Is it over?

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It has been yet another year “nearly” since the last time I’ve been in here.
I need this as an outlet right now though.  Actually, I should’ve came back 6 months ago.

I was doing counselling through the University here, the students doing their practicum.  It turned out to be a horrible experience.  Well, not horrible, but she was encouraging the emotional affair I had had.  So wrong.  I stopped going, as did hubby.  She was talking about his mom, nothing else.

We separated for a while after that, after we moved.  It wasn’t long, only about a month or 6 weeks.  But when we got back together, he was everything I’d ever hoped for.  It was amazing.  In my mind though, I couldn’t help but feel like it was a show, so I kept him at a distance.  I was afraid to get close to him again, but I did, eventually, and things were great!  Unfortunately, as time went on, he slowly stopped doing things, and started to be angry with me again over nothing.  He was still far from being the ass he was before, but I still felt it.

We had our 11th wedding anniversary (and 17 years together) on August 6th.  At the end of August, everything changed.  He came home from work one day and just seemed off.  After so long together, I can read him pretty clearly.  His facial expressions, his movements, his eyes and their movements, the tone in his voice and the words he uses.  He seemed like he wasn’t telling me something.  I didn’t know if it was a good thing or a bad thing but considering we had been arguing again, I figured it couldn’t be good.  He swore there was nothing and we went to bed.  When he got home the next day, we went for a drive and he said he had something to tell me.  I said “are you sleeping with someone else?”  Huge grin on his face and he said “no, but…”

He had gotten an email from this woman and had planned to have an affair with her, but because I could tell something was wrong, he decided to tell me what was going on.  From then on, he pushed for a triad. (a 3 person relationship)  My answer was always no.  So then he pushed for an open marriage (married but allowed to sleep with other people) which I of course said no to, at first.  I ended up giving in when I thought I was going to lose him.  He went to meet her in the parking lot at the theater.  He grabbed two condoms and left.  It was heartwrenching.  She ended up not showing up.

The whole time, he’s complimenting me, telling me how I’m his everything and how much he loves me and wants to be with me, blah blah blah.  Even our sex life changed, which turns out was because of her telling him what she liked.  He then drops a bomb on me and says he’s done with us.  He said he couldn’t stand the thought of me with another man (though I hadn’t planned to see any other men), so he wanted out because he wanted to hook up with her.
Turned out that she was fake.  Then he wanted to stay.  All the apologies in the world after that.

He still wanted the open marriage, so we talked to other people but for me personally, it isn’t what I wanted.  I don’t need that.  That wasn’t working well, so he decided swinging would be best. (couples swapping)  On to that.  We met a couple and her and I turned into too good of friends to do anything that could possibly jeopardize our friendship.
Back to an open marriage.  He was talking to another woman and crossed the lines.  No dates.  He asked her for coffee, and then asked her to burlesque with him, which is our monthly date night.
I told him we need to stop and get our marriage back on track, he agreed.

A couple weeks later, he got a message from another woman.  This is a couple weeks before Christmas.  He asked me if it was okay and I looked at him like he was stupid.  It had only been a couple weeks and we hadn’t talked about anything.  At all.  A week goes by of him telling me he’s going to stop.
January comes and he almost went to have an affair with her.
End of January/very beginning of February, he’s telling me, yet again, that he wants to leave me to go hook up.  I told him to go this time…but he changed his mind.

Saturday, a week ago, we went to burlesque.  We saw a bunch of the people we met at a party while doing the “swinging” thing. (No, neither of us hooked up with anyone)  I asked if we could go sit with them, but he had a bit of a fit and said he wanted it to be just us, which I found ridiculous because we were sitting there in silence.  One of the girls came over and asked why we didn’t join them, then another, and then the girl who he had tried to date.  After she came over, he wanted to go join them.  Go figure.  After the burlesque show, they all asked if we were going to head to the gala with them.  Bars of any kind aren’t his thing.  Never have been, so when he said yes, I automatically thought the reason was her.  We got there and didn’t see anyone.  He grabbed his phone and asked me if he wanted me to text her, I asked who, and he said her name.  I didn’t realize he kept her number.  He has her number and the most recents number.
Anyway, he stared at her the whole night and when I said I was going to go get a drink, he damn near pushed me back into my seat and took off for the line.  She was waiting in line.  He ended up standing there talking to her for a good 15 minutes or so, comes back over and tried to put his hands all over me.  Yeah right, buddy!

I’m doing my best to get past everything, but I just can’t.  He’s expecting me just to move on and put it behind me, but I have no trust in him.  How could I?  The trust was compromised the very first time!  He can’t take this back and can’t make it better.
Tomorrow, we’re supposed to start marriage counselling.  $105 per session, going to need financial counselling after this too!  But this is the last straw for me.  If this doesn’t help with something, with anything, I’m out.  I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t stand feeling like this and never once have I been a crazy jealous person and now?  I’m ridiculous.  I’m back to not recognizing myself.  I hate that somehow I keep ending up in this situation, having this stranger staring back at me in the mirror.  I’m still not allowed out by myself and he doesn’t lift a damn finger at home.  I can barely get him to bring his dish to the sink, never mind rinse it out…or lift the toilet seat!

I’m just so lost right now.

Battered Woman/Wife Syndrome

I apologize for the lack of entries in not only this blog, but all of them!  I’ve set a goal to write at least one entry per week, per blog.

I have been struggling again lately.  I’m doing my best to homeschool my son, which is proving difficult due to his lack of interest unless the work is done on the computer.  It’s stressful for me and I just don’t know how to get him interested.  Hubby said he was bringing home a whiteboard from work, so maybe I can get Adam to write on the whiteboard.  He isn’t doing terrible with schooling, but is still a bit behind in some things.  The speech therapy is going great!

On Friday, my house flooded.  Thank you Mother Nature for making it obvious Spring has arrived!  Hubby was still at work, so I started to move everything myself.  The kids had toys all over the place, a lot of crafting things, PS3 remotes, etc.  Everything was under water.  It came in so quickly!  Hubby came home after half an hour with a gas powered water pump from work, thankfully.  He set that up and the water was gone just as fast as it came in.  However, my entire main floor is fully carpeted.  All I have is a shampooer which really doesn’t suck up that much water as that’s not what it’s for.  I spent 5 hours straight cleaning up and moving things.  He just stood there saying he didn’t know where to start, and never did do anything at all.  I can’t move the 46″ TV, I’m 4’10”, my arm span just isn’t very big.  I was afraid I’d drop it in the water.  He wouldn’t even do that.  He got up Saturday at noon, rearranged the pump, and was sleeping by 5:15 PM.  He did get some of the water out of the kitchen and hall, but the worst is the living room, nothing’s been done in there and it’s starting to smell musty.  I sent the kids off on Friday, but they’re coming back today.  This is no place for the kids to be and I have nowhere to go with them.  I have been trying to borrow a shop vac, but the 2 people I know who have one, currently have broken ones.

I feel like hubby’s been hiding something from me lately.  He’s constantly on his cell phone texting.  He pays absolutely no attention to me when he’s on that thing which is funny because at work, he can be on the phone, computer and speaking to someone in person.  He’s been distant and I thought there was no conversation before, now we don’t even talk.  I try, but he doesn’t say anything back or gives me a one or two word reply.  He’s been coming home just to leave again, half the time, I have to remind him to say bye to the kids.  Sometimes he doesn’t.  He came home mad at me the other day and left right away, the poor kids actually cried and asked me if he was going to come back!

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Last night, I was talking to an online friend who told me she’s sure I have “Battered Woman Syndrome.”  I cried.  I didn’t know she could see that just in our chats!  And we don’t speak very often!  Very observant she is.  I was stunned though that this woman online could point it out, never being in an abusive relationship herself.  I felt ashamed though.  This had me awake for hours last night when I should have been sleeping.  Which something that comes in small amounts these days.  I need to go back to E. Fry and start seeing Cindy again.  I need to get to those appointments.  She’s a worker at one of the domestic abuse places and though I only had one appointment, she was a huge help with resources, phone numbers, information, etc.  I need to go back.  So I’m going to work on trying to get a ride once a week.  I’ll also need this person to watch Adam while I’m in there though.  Might be tough, but I don’t have a choice.  Maybe I should get him back into school so I can work on getting us out of here?  Ugh, no idea what to do.  I’ll figure it out though, I’m determined on this!

After googling a lot of different websites on Battered Woman Syndrome, I’ve come to realize this fits me perfectly, unfortunately.  This is me.  Though I’m not physically battered, I may as well be, I hurt just the same, except it doesn’t heal and the scabs keep getting torn off.  The bruises don’t fade and the breaks don’t heal.  Oh course, the words seem to get louder rather than fade away.  It’s like a PTSD thing.  It feels that way for me personally.  I can’t turn it off and even good days can turn into bad days as soon as those unwanted memories come flashing back, unable to shake them from my head.
I need to do something here.  I’m trying to do something, even if it’s small steps.  I can’t keep saying I will, and don’t.  My kids deserve better….I deserve better.