Counseling & abuse effects on children – Advice Please!

After a week of calling twice and having them tell me they’d return my call, I finally heard back from the Community Counseling Center.  Tom and I have been trying to get in with them since the beginning of the month!  We were originally going to go with a licensed professional, but at $100 plus taxes every week, we just can’t afford that.  Plus I wanted individual counseling as well.  We’ve been struggling financial as is and as importnant as I feel it is, it just wasn’t a possibility at this time.  I ended up calling the Northern Heath board and asking if they could point me in the right direction for free or cheap marriage counseling and she told me to call the Community Counseling Center.  This is run the the UNBC (University of Northern British Columbia) and is psychology students.  We’re both okay with that!  The students need to learn and we need the help.  It’s $10 per 1 hour session.  It’s a good start regardless in my opinion, and we have our intake appointments on Thursday next week.

I had recieved a call from my sons school on Wednesday.  I thought it was to confirm our meeting on Thursday but she said she wanted to talk about Adam and that she was concerned.  He has a weather and calendar booklet in his desk.  It’s a stapled together paper book and he doodles on it.  His teacher took a look at it on Wednesday and noticed some disturbing drawings.  I’ll also mention at home, adam doesn’t draw or colour what so ever, so to hear that he was doodling was quite a shock all on its own!

Here’s the picture:

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I hope you can make out the drawings.  There are a bunch of hearts crossed out, a broken heart, a tear drop and when asked about the drawing in the bottom left corner, he explained that it’s the gun  he used to commit suicide and that’s his grave.
The school psychologist was at the meeting yesterday who said it isn’t normal for kids his age (8) to know what death is and what not.  He does though.  We’ve had some people pass away as well as some animals.  In order to help him cope, I told him Heaven and Rainbow Bridge is where our souls go until we’re all back together again.  That it’s never goodbye, it’s just see you later.  And that helped him, both my kids.  Not only this, but my mom is on the transplant list for lungs.  If something were to happen to her, I need him to have that belief that it’s only a temporary goodbye.  They are too young and innocent to believe anything else.  as for knowing about suicide and what not, he watches a lot of youtube which now has a filter on it, as does the entire computer.

So when he got home from school Wednesday, I had Grace play in the livingroom and I spoke to Adam in private.  He said he’s in pain all the time; his brain, his hands…  I asked if it had anything to do with his favorite song Pain by Three Days Grace.  He said no but that ever since he heard it, he’s always in pain.  Okay, possibly fabricated a little bit.  But then I asked about the broken hearts and he got a bit teary and said “I hate the way Hun blames you for everything.”  Yes, they caught on to calling him hun, because I do.  I’ve tried to get them to call him dad, doesn’t work.  I asked about the arguing and what not and he said that makes him want to commit suicide and go to Heaven.

I can’t help but feel responsible.  That by feeling so stuck and trapped and unable to leave in the past, that I stayed with all the emotional, mental and verbal abuse and the kids were around it, that I’ve fucked up my children for lack of better words.  They heard and saw so much go on, they felt so much!  Tom was driving them to school the other day and they were blaming him for everything.  I can’t say it was all him, I’m no where near perfect myself, but they see what they see.  He would come home and as soon as he’d walk through the door, was angry at me.  Or he wouldn’t come home until late and those nights, all the kids wanted was to say goodnight to him.  But he’d be too busy out drinking and they’d cry and ask why he didn’t love them.  I’d have to explain that he was just going through some things…  Always made excuses for him but I think it’s important for the kids.  Too young for grown up problems.

There was just so so much that they were there for and now, I’m not sure what to do!
I could sure use some advice right now!

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It’s been a year since I last wrote

So much has changed.  I have changed.
In fact, I’m unrecognizable these days, especially to myself.

Let’s start with my very last post regarding breast cancer.
I went in to see the specialist who said it was nothing.  Strangest thing.  It didn’t show up on the ultrasound or anything, yet you could feel them with your fingers.  I still can; they’re still there.  I’m keeping an eye on them just in case they start to get bigger.  Cancer scares me a bit given my family history and the people I’ve lost to it.

It was a tough year last year.  Tom and I went through a lot.  Though it was slightly better where we were staying, it was still very tough.  We had our 10th wedding anniversary on August 6th.  We had dinner reservations, a hotel booked and planned to go to a movie.  His cousin was getting married the weekend we had that planned, of course we went.  I brought my camera to get some extra experience.  Unfortunately, Tom ended up drunk.  We had to stay at his other cousins house after he wanted to drive home drunk with the kids in the car.  That was obviously not okay with me!  So that hurt to say the least.

We moved into an apartment the 1st of October.  Shortly after that, I met a lady who lived on the bottom floor with her 3 sons.  We have become very good friends, as are our children.  I started to spend a lot of time with her and then it was like the fog cleared from my brain and I was finally able to see what exactly Tom had been doing to me over the past 16 years.  All the words, the actions, the control, the gas lighting, etc.  It was having a strong, confident friend that made me realize he was treating me like I was worthless.

I got angry.  By angry, I don’t mean yell about it and take some time to breathe.  I mean angry like treating him like complete shit, not staying home and simply not caring at all about his wants and needs.  At this point, he started changing his ways and is who I needed him to be when we started this relationship.  He’s caring, he listens, he’s helpful, thoughtful, etc.  But regardless of all this, I couldn’t help but be that angry with him.  How could he do that to me?  How dare he show our kids that that was a normal, healthy marriage?!

The end of October, I started talking to another man.  We had met by showing him and his girlfriend our house that we’re selling.
Anyway, it was just friends.  We had coffee a couple times.  We spoke all the time though.  All the time as in from about 8am to anywhere between 2-4pm on and off while he was at work, 5 days a week.  We formed quite the friendship and of course, feelings formed there.  More strongly for me than for him.  He says he cares about me more than he should, but I think I might have fallen for him a little bit.  Which was never my intention.

We last spoke at the end of December, and it was heartbreaking.  I can’t believe how sad I was to have lost someone who wasn’t mine to begin with!  We hadn’t spoken since the end of November but closer to Christmas, we spoke for 2 days.  The last day, he had text me and we talked about our feelings and how we needed to stop.
The next day, Tom went into my phone and saw texts between him and I.  I will not get into detail about what things he read, but it was enough to give him the thought that I was sleeping with the other guy.

He kept saying he doesn’t want to lose me and he wants to make it work.  It actually felt good to see him fall apart on the kitchen floor.  I know that sounds completely bitchy, but it showed me that he really did care about me.  Rather than kicking me out, he dropped and cried and even hugged me as he cried hard.  I feel like I at least owe him the chance for us to right our wrongs.

My problem is that I honestly don’t know if I can get over the past.  And now he doesn’t trust me.  He goes through my facebook, my texts, the call display on the phone, etc.  He doesn’t want me going out with anyone which triggers memories of the past.  He’s so clingy now too.  It’s like he needs to have a hand on me at all times; my knee, hand, something.  I’m used to getting the cold shoulder, for years, so now I feel smothered.

I’m just not sure how to deal with all this.  I can tell you one thing, I’m never going to be that weak person I was before.  He may not like me going out but I’m not about to be his prisoner again.  If I didn’t want to try, I wouldn’t have stayed!  I also still care about the other guy and I have no idea how to turn off those emotions.  Don’t really want to say much about him.  He has a girlfriend, we said we wouldn’t leave our spouses for each other, especially considering this was all accidental to begin with.  Besides, if I were to leave, it would be to be on my own, not to jump into another relationship.

I’m trying really hard to figure out who I am, get to know myself because I don’t.  I’ve been too busy trying to be who Tom wants me to be that I’ve completely lost myself.

We’re moving at the end of the month.  This apartment is just too small for the 4 of us.  It’s supposed to be our new start.  We’ll see how this goes I guess.
We’re both going to start individual counselling, and move to marriage counselling after that.
Besides that, I’m going to go back to school!

Is love in the air?

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Not here, not usually anyway.  Though lately, he hasn’t been too terrible.  He did have an outburst about clothes the other day.  We live out of city limits, so no city sewer.  We have a holding tank that needs to be emptied when the alarm goes off; when it’s full, we can’t do laundry or have baths, etc.  We leave the little bit of room to be able to flush the toilet.  The holding tank was full so I was unable to do laundry and he got angry at me, then as usual, brought everything else I’ve ever done or not done into the picture.  I don’t understand how his brain works to think that he’s the only one effected by anything, and that he should be first priority on everyone’s list.  I have children, he’ll never be my first priority again.  My kids will always come before anything and everything including myself.

What I have noticed though, more now and not sure why, is that he’s distant.  It’s not really anything that’s different, things are pretty much the same.  His work (he’s management) took on a bunch of accounts a couple weeks ago after a different company closed down.  They ended up getting all the clientele, which is a great thing for Toms company.  It’s great to see this company doing so well considering it started as a family company.  The owners still own it and attend the Christmas parties here in town and all that good stuff, wonderful bunch of men they are and they really do value Tom as an employee there.  I haven’t met many people with the work ethic he has, that’s one great thing I can say about him.  His job matters to him.

Sometimes though, he puts in 12, 13, even 14 hour shifts.  When they first took on the new accounts, he worked those long hours and didn’t take a day off for 16 days!  Up by 6:45, shower, make a lunch, get ready and leave to start at 8am to get home by 9 or 10pm sometimes.  And then he’s also on call throughout the night.  I understand it’s stressful and obviously he must be very tired sometimes!
But he comes home even after his normal 10 hours and sits on minecraft until midnight or so and then goes to bed.  The only conversations we have are mainly about work, a little about the kids, and a little about this POS house.  All I hear about is work though, that’s the only topic he brings up and yes, I do listen and even remember the things he tells me, but ugh!  I don’t want to hear it all the time!  There’s been a few times that he calls to say he’s on his way, and doesn’t show up for hours; comes home drunk…which is also usually when he wants to be intimate, though half the time, ends up hugging the toilet instead or passing out…or passing out in the bathroom which is a huge pet peeve of mine.

It goes back to not wanting to talk about our marriage though.  He told the guys at work he doesn’t have to get me anything for Valentine’s Day because I know he loves me.  But the truth is, I don’t feel that love at all!  Though he knows I’d prefer a small bouquet of wild flowers over a bouquet or roses, and right now, we still have a good 4 feet of snow, and it’s currently snowing.  But even just a card to say thank you for everything would be great.  But I get nothing.  I never hear “happy valentine’s day”, “happy mothers day”, “happy birthday”…none of it.  They’re just days that pass.

I need the words, I need a small amount of effort and I need to know I’m appreciated.  I need something.

Not all blood is family! (drama entry)

I apologize for the lack of entries lately.  I’ve been fighting a bad chest cold for 3 weeks now, just can’t seem to get rid of it.  Mixed with my asthma, it’s been hell!  Also, this is full of drama, a heads up in advance.

Today, I’d like to talk about family.  My little girl and I were going through pictures the other day and we came across a picture of my uncle Bill and my dad at his wedding, the wedding I attended even after he refused to attend mine because my half sisters mom was going to be there.  My half sister was part of the wedding party.  Anyway, Gracie asked me why I don’t talk to my dad.  I told her the truth.  My dad wasn’t a good dad, isn’t a good dad, he doesn’t want to be my dad and I left it at that.  I posted on facebook something on the lines of “Grace asked me why I don’t talk to my dad.  How to you explain to an almost 6 year old that your dad threatened to kill you and tried to find you when you were little?”  I did get some comments, some said they understood, that they’d went through it too, others said they were sorry, some gave me some advice.  I appreciated it.  And then my aunt Cindy had to voice her opinion.  Cindy and I don’t know each other well at all.  My dads side of the family didn’t attend my wedding, we don’t talk much, etc.  It was only his parents and one of my cousins who attended the wedding.  It’s fine though.

So Cindy starts going off cursing saying something about how my mom has fed me crap about my dad and that it was her who was a bad mom.  Yes, my mom had a drug problem when my brother, sister and I were little.  She doesn’t deny that at all.  The fact that she sent my brother and sister to live with my grandparents and I so she could go detox was a big step on her part.  It made her a better person obviously.  The will power to know that you’re messing up, regardless of the addiction, takes an amazing amount of strength.  I admire my mom for that!  My mom saw that post before I did, called and was very angry.  She asked me to delete the whole thing, which I did out of respect for her.  Not before I replied to Cindy though.  I pretty much told her that I wasn’t fed anything.  Sure, I’ve heard stories about when I was little, but I haven’t said anything about them on facebook.  What I posted was what my dad put me through personally.  What I remember clearly…who forgets their dad trying to kill them?  Or all the birthdays passing with not even a phone call?  The broken promises?  How about when his parents and my brother and sister were hit by a drunk driver?  My siblings almost died and both went in for emergency surgery.  He couldn’t even be bothered to see them in the hospital!  Tell me again how wonderful my father is.  When someone tries and tries for many years to form a relationship with their father just to have him refuse you, yeah, it makes a huge impact on a person!  Cindy’s opinions don’t matter.  She doesn’t know me, I don’t know her, but I definitely felt the need to defend what I felt was my right, to post what I want.  The part that bothered me most was that my 3 cousins (2 are her daughters) “liked” the post about my mom.  Now tell me who’s been feeding who crap.

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Cindy posted this sticker on my wall after the nasty post about my mom.  The funny thing is, I post about my marriage all the time.  I have called Tom an asshat and even explained my definition of it.  Not once has anyone said anything about posting too much information on facebook.  I’m going to post the conversation we had on that sticker in here.  I’m not trying to welcome drama or anything, but this is something I’d like to keep, and this is where I vent.

Alicia – Cynthia, considering my account is full of my friends and family, even though in some cases, the distance is there, I will vent all I want to.  That is my release.  If people choose to ignore the post, that’s perfectly fine with me.  It’s not a public post for a reason.  Yes, feedback is wonderful!  I love my dad but he’s a fucking asshole Cindy.  It’s not just about back then, it’s from when him and Laurie got together when he played the daddy roll wonderfully while he lived in town and can’t be bothered to pick up the phone and call, or even pick up the phone when I call, stop by when he’s in town, hell I haven’t seen him in 7 years!  I tried to see him when I was there last but do you think the phone got answered when I called?  My mom has made some mistakes, yes.  I know I was raised by Nan and Pop, not my mom or dad.  But, my mom has worked her ass off to reform that relationship we were missing and it’s an amazing one!  No one is perfect, I get that.  But the amount of hurt I feel and have felt in the past caused by my father is something that not even time can heal simply because I have yet to fully give up wanting a relationship with him!  What I judged that post on had NOTHING to do with what anyone has told me but with what I’ve experienced from him personally.
I love you Cindy, but if you can’t stand hearing that kind of thing, I suggest you take me off your friends list because my opinion about my dad and the experiences I’ve went through with him are not going to change!
My family has been my grandparents, aunt Nee, uncle Vin, Daryl, Amanda, mom and Gran and Gramps.  Please explain to me where you fit in in the past 19 years between my mom, dad and I to be placing judgement like you have?
You think your hands are clean Cindy?  I didn’t place judgement on a situation I don’t know or understand, those were my personal experiences.

As for this wall sticker…the only person saying anything is you.
I apologize for this post, but that was bullshit and completely uncalled for!

  • Cynthia – You seem to forget, he may be your dad, but he is uncle to a lot of others who do not feel the way you do. And if you are all about feeling comfortable saying whatever you want and having people read it ten what is the difference for me? There isn’t one. So if you post it, I guess its fair shootin!   Move on Alicia and quit putting yourself in a bad situation. Where is your self respect???

  • Alicia – My self respect?  I should ask you the same thing.  Hmm, I guess I lost that when my dad stopped respecting me.  I agree, Denae, Dallas, Kasey, etc might consider him a wonderful guy!  And that’s great if they do, I’m glad he’s a good uncle but he’s a terrible father, that’s all I’m saying.  I will not “move on” because what I have experienced is up to me to share or not.  You’re also right about everyone being entitled to their opinions, I’m with you on that.  Like I said, that post was about the things dad and I have went through together, personally, nothing that anyone has “fed me.”  No bullshit in there.  Dad is no hero, nor is he a dad…ask any of us 4 kids.  I’m glad he’s an uncle though, maybe that makes up for it.
    Also, I’m in a perfectly fine situation right here where I am, thank you.

  • Cynthia – but all your rants say different Alicia. You are obviously unhappy and searching for something to blame it on.

  • Cynthia – Just don’t pass your negativity on to your kids, its not fair

  • Alicia – Do they now?  I said dad was a terrible dad to all 4 of us, I’m taking your word he’s a great uncle.  I guess that makes up for all the lost years past and to come without talking to his own children right?
    There’s that judgement again.  Obviously I must be unhappy to be unhappy and speak the truth about my own dad.  Yep, that has to be the case.  Or, maybe I’m tired of hurting and feeling like I’ve never been enough for him?  Every birthday gone by that he didn’t call, even though I’d call him on his.  Oh that’s right, he doesn’t know my birthday.
    You have no idea who I am unfortunately and my parenting skills…be careful bringing parenting into the picture Cindy, especially if we’re speaking freely with our opinions.
    Keep making excuses for him though.  You are, after all, closer to him than I am!

Cindy is and always has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember which is what I meant by bringing parenting into the picture.  After bringing my kids into the conversation, she’s lucky I didn’t spill everything I know about her.  She must forget I was there a few times.  But it wasn’t my intention to cause drama, just to get opinions on how to explain things to your child when you have so much hurt caused by that person.
My cousin then posted a status about people airing their dirty laundry on facebook.
It’s horrible.  I mean, if my cousins think so highly f him, than I have no doubts that he’s a good uncle to them.  Why can’t he be a good dad to me?

Catching up on the past month

My last posts were about my grandparents birthdays.  I meant to post about my grandpas passing on November 24th, but the depression kicked into high gear, unfortunately.  I become very anti-social around November and December because of the heartache I continue to feel from losing them.  Christmas was my grandmas favorite holiday, it’s still very hard for me but I do the best I can to make it wonderful for my kids.  They deserve at least an amazing Christmas!   Of course, hubby had to turn it all to crap.  It’s what he does.  I’m not sure what he was so angry about, but he ended up telling my little guy that he didn’t care when Adam was trying to talk to him.  I ended up whispering “some fucking father you are” thinking the kids couldn’t hear me through the music in the car and the muffler noise (wonderful roads here tore it off, along with the bumper of the car!), Adam turned and said “yeah, some fucking dad you are.”  I know it’s terrible of me, but I burst out laughing.  Tom made a threat saying something about tearing a strip off him had he known what he said, the thing is, Adam may have a bad speech problem, but he knows what the words mean.
Before Christmas, Adam accidently knelt on my tablet he was using and cracked the LCD screen inside.  I have no picture on it at all.  I have yet to tell Tom.  I figure when I do, I’ll be blaming it on myself to save Adam from the shit storm.  He doesn’t deserve it, it was an accident, he told me right away and apologized numerous times.  He honestly felt terrible.  Tom won’t see it that way though.  He says he can’t own anything nice because the kids ruin everything.  It’s heartbreaking.  He shouldn’t have been a dad…shouldn’t be a dad.  I don’t regret my kids, but I regret who I had them with.

The kids had a decent Christmas.  Unfortunately, we all had the flu.  It started with Gracie, moved to Adam, then to me, and then to Tom.  Once we were better, Tom ended up getting it again, and then I got it again.  It was just a 24 hour flu, but the second time I got it, it lasted nearly a week.  I was worried though because the Norwalk virus and H1N1 have been spreading like wild fire lately.  H1N1 has over 30 people on ventilators from what I’ve read, and has killed 10 people in this province already.  H1N1 is especially dangerous to those with lung problems such as myself and my asthma.  It’s scary for me to think of getting a flu that could take me away from my kids and leave them with Tom.  It’s not an option for me.  I’ve been sanitizing my house like a mad woman.

December 31st marked 4 years since the passing of my 23 year old cousin Felicia.  Felicia was an amazing person with the most beautiful soul.  She had developed brain cancer in her chest as a teen.  She was in remission twice prior to relapsing the third time which eventually killed her.  Too young.

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Adam is failing grade 1.  For this, I partially blame his teacher.  She can’t understand him with his speech problems.  He had gotten bullied in the bathroom one day; a couple kids told him “no Adams allowed” and that he wasn’t allowed to pee.  He threw his coat at them after they were wiping him with their coats and Adam was the one who got in trouble.  Oh, talk about an angry mama!  His teacher has been telling me he isn’t doing much work at school.  Monday, he brought work home.  As I looked it over, I noticed he was doing the work but in the wrong places, wrong order, etc.  Adam said he did ask her for help, but she couldn’t understand him.  It’s so sad to hear that.  As teachers, they should know better than to just leave a 6 year old to suffer like that not being understood.  The one day, he felt sick.  No one could understand him so they just pushed him throughout the day.  He had tonsillitis.  I’m just not happy with his teacher at all!  Because he’s failing, they’re definitely going to want to hold him back.  They wanted to in kindergarten too, but he started to do better.  If he is held back, he’ll again be in Mrs Bymans class not being understood and obviously continuing to fail.  I’m not about to let that happen.  So, I’m thinking of home schooling him next year.  He does his work perfectly fine at home for me, but then again, I understand his jibberish.  I don’t like the fact that he’ll be away from his friends.  I feel school is where they learn most of their social skills and what not.  However, at this point, I need to work on his education…you know, his future.  I won’t home school him forever, just until he’s ready to be put back in school.  I want to give him a fair shot at this.  I know what I went through in elementary school, not getting the help I need and why I dropped out (after getting expelled) in the middle of grade 8.  That is a future I do not want for my son and I will do anything I have to to make sure it won’t be his future!

Speaking of tonsillitis, Adam had his appointment with the ENT.  He’s going to go ahead and give him a tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy.  He did leave the choice up to me though, I chose yes.  Considering he ended up admitted to pediatrics last time, I want to get rid of the problem.  Also, they tend not to remove tonsils in adults.  My brother is proof of this.  He’s had tonsillitis so often that he’s immune to antibiotics and they won’t remove his tonsils.  That is something else that’s not an option.  I will not leave him to suffer like that.  Take those things out and be done with it.

On another note, I just made a doctors appointment for myself today.  It normally takes about 2 weeks to get in to see him, but she said I need to come in tomorrow only because she had no room to squeeze me in today.  I have silicone breast implants.  I had my breast augmentation in February 2009 after having my kids and going from a D/DD to barely filling an A cup.  I have noticed some shooting pains here and there for the past year or so, but figured since I tend to get breast cysts and also because I lost sensation from nipple down in both breasts, it was normal pain.  Apparently my silicone implant may have ruptured.  Once silicone gets to your lungs or lymph nodes, there’s no removing it from those places.  This could be a very bad thing and of course, I’m a bit nervous now.  I will keep the updates coming on that.  I’m also worried that if that is the case and I have to have that implant removed, I don’t have money to get it replaced.  I’m a 34G/H, can you imagine how that will look?  Health first of course, but I’m worried about a few different things with this.  Positive vibes needed please!

Also would like to ask for prayers, love and light to be sent to a friend of mine who has recently found to have abnormalities in the tissue in her breast, has had a biopsy and is awaiting the results.
Please send her healing thoughts!

Tom has been so confusing these days.  One day he loves me, the next, I’m his worst enemy and can’t do anything right.  This last episode of “I hate you’s” started Monday.  He came home from work talking about Crissy.  Crissy is the ex stripper who works there who’s sleeping with 3 married men who also work there.  She’s trying to sleep with my friends husband as well.  So he comes home telling me about how short her skirt is and what not.  I’m tired of hearing about her, she’s all I hear about.  I try not to be a jealous person, but he has cheated on me in the past, what makes an ex stripper less appealing than an average woman?  Since then, he’s been distant, hasn’t wanted to touch me at all or even have a conversation. 😦

It Hurts Tonight

I’m feeling very hurt tonight.  It’s been a long, long time since I’ve felt wanted, loved, even respected in this marriage and tonight, it’s really bothering me.  It wasn’t necessarily a bad day, but he woke up, he went outside to work on the vehicles, went to his buddy’s house and spent a few hours there.  He came home to work on a different vehicle, than had a shower, played solitaire on his phone, then passed out on the couch.  He then got mad at me for asking him to move to the bed.  I have a pet peeve of people sleeping on couches, not sure why.  I guess in a way, he works 8am until 6pm or so Monday to Friday, then he’s usually outside or not home and by the time he comes home, he either has a shower and passes out, or just passes out.  So to see him sleeping on the couch, it pisses me off in a way because I think we should have just a little time to spend together a day.  But it doesn’t matter to him.  I’m invisible to him unless I haven’t done whatever he’s asked me to do, or what he expects me to do.  It hurts.  It hurts a lot, all the time.

What makes it worse is that I try to talk to him.  I try to talk calmly and simply and smile while I’m talking at times, just try to make it as much of a civilized conversation as possible, but he blows it out of proportion.  I always say something that somehow offends him and he gets mad at me.  He did manage to tell me that the words he says (calling me a burden for example) is out of anger.  He said this while getting mad at me for bringing up what he’s said in the past. (like calling me a burden)  The thing with that kind of stuff is that it still hurts me.  I don’t care if he meant it or not, he’s my husband.  I trust the words that come out of his mouth.  Or some of them now, but things like that, they stick.  They open a new wound, plus peel the scabs off old wounds that have yet to heal simply because he has never given me the chance to resolve them.  I think at this point, there’s been too much said in the 14 years to have a conversation and get over everything.  I look at him and I can predict how the conversation will go.  I avoid certain topics because I’m not up for the argument.  Or I try to talk about things but always end up being the bad guy.  I just don’t understand it!

He’s always so distant and cold until I voice that I want to leave.  Then his attitude is different; he loves me, he hugs me, he holds me, he’s nice…  It’s all just a game to him.  It’s the “cycle of abuse” that I’ve been learning about.  Regardless, I like that guy.  That sweet guy who has a heart.  I’m so happy during that time; it’s too bad it only lasts about a week or two.  Actually, after that last big fight, it was great between us.  He was that sweet guy, but since then, it slowly starts to wear off and his true colors come into action.  I again see that man who I despise.  I see the reasons I wanted to leave in the first place and of course, the feelings and words spoken in the past arise in my head.  I wish he would leave me.  Just walk away.  It would make it an easy choice for me to leave simply because I wouldn’t have one!

I hurt tonight because I know what I need to do.  I’ve known for years.  I’m angry at myself for not being strong enough to do it.  I feel like a failure to keep my children in this situation.  I feel like a failure in general.  I don’t know who I am, I don’t have any friends, my family lives 8 hours away, I don’t drive, and I don’t work.  What am I?  Oh that’s right.  Over the years, I’ve turned into a verbal and emotional punching bag for him to use as he pleases.  I have nothing, I own nothing, if it weren’t for my kids, I’d be alone in this world.  Sometimes I wish I were more materialistic like he is, maybe I could see things from his point of view.  It’s too bad he can’t be more, what is the word I’m looking for here…human?  I’m tempted to use human.  I just wish he could have a heart.  Why did he marry me if he honestly doesn’t care about me, the way I feel, or when I’m hurting?  Why doesn’t he care?

Marriage and relationships are about compromise.  I have compromised so much to be with him.  I’ve given up everything to be with him.  I’ve given up my friends, I’ve given up any self-confidence and self-worth I had and I had a lot!  I was the one who always had her head up high.  On that note, I’ve also given up myself as a person.  I’ve been too busy struggle through the hurt and trying to mould myself into who he thinks I should be, which in my opinion is a stepford wife, that it’s been years, many years since I was that girl with the confidence and worth.

It hurts tonight.

First Steps To Leaving An Emotionally Abusive Marriage

I had started this blog to blog about my marriage and parenting.  The good and bad of everything in my life, but it seems it has changed course.  This blog will now consist of my life, starting with my emotionally abusive marriage, and what I’m currently going through to get the help my children and I need.  That being said, welcome to my blog.

I’ll start off by saying my husband has been emotionally abusive for years.  Yes, including before we were married; however it wasn’t as bad as it is now.  We’ve been together since I was 14 years old and at that time, I was blinded by love.  I figured with time, things would change.  We were both teenagers and both had a lot of growing up to do.  I guess in some ways, I did know he was emotionally abusive, though I didn’t understand what it was.  I just knew it wasn’t supposed to be that way.  None of my friends boyfriends told them they were not allowed to have friends, or would leave with his friends with the demands to stay home, clean the house and have dinner ready whenever/if he decided to come home that night.  Actually, it’s still pretty much that case.  He told me last year I was allowed to have friends.  I got a job and went to dinner with a bunch of the ladies from work.  He dropped me off at my friend’s house and left.  We took off to the restaurant right away.  I soon received a text from my husband accusing me of convincing him to drop me off at a guy’s house so I could have an affair.  He said there were no tire tracks in the snow.  I literally had to take a picture of my friends and me under the logo of the restaurant and text it to him.  I quit my job and stayed home with the kids after that.

So, the other night, hubby comes in the house.  My daughter wanted to sleep in my son’s room with him, his bedroom is upstairs.  Okay, no problem as long as they go to sleep at a half decent time.  Hubby comes in and automatically snaps at my daughter, yelling at her to get downstairs into bed.  I told hubby she was sleeping in my son’s room and I went to comfort my kids.  They were both in tears.  When I got them settled and tucked in, I came out to the living room where he snapped on me!  The house is a mess, the kids don’t pick up their toys, we don’t have any money, he works for nothing, the dog made him angry, work is stressing him out, the bronco still won’t start, he’s tired of supporting the kids and I, I’m useless, I’m a burden to everyone…  You name it, he went off about it! He also said he expected to be first in not only my life, but everyone’s lives!  Voices were definitely raised.  At about 11:30pm, I assumed the kids were asleep.  I went into my room in tears and there sat both kids, wide awake.  My daughter came up to me, gave me a big hug and asked if my hubby made me cry again, and that she was going to tell him to stop yelling at me.  It was heart wrenching to know they heard everything.  I felt like such a horrible parent!

The next morning, he left for work at 7:30am and I did some research.  I sent an email to one of the places that help women get out of abusive relationships.  I had my mind made up, enough is enough.  Especially now that I knew my children were being affected.  This morning, I received an email back saying the particular person I emailed was out of the office but she was transferring me to someone in “Victim Services.”  I read that and though “victim?”  I had never once thought of myself as a victim, but I suppose it’s the truth; that alone had me in tears.  I am a victim of my own husband, and the children, victims of their father.  It was quite a shock for me to read that, to think about it that way.  It was something I never considered and to have it said to me, even via email, it made my head spin.  For my kids, she’s suggested a program called “Children Who Witness Abuse.”  This will be good for them.  It will help them a lot.

I spoke to my sister after that who told me to call them instead, but I just couldn’t do it.  I was in tears and couldn’t talk about it because I’d start crying.  So she called down there and got me some information.  They wanted me to either call the women’s shelters they have, or call them.  I waited a couple hours, but I did call them.  She went on to explain what they do, and what abuse is.  She hit everything dead on.  I was shocked again.  I had no idea I was in a “typical” abusive relationship.  I have booked an appointment with my new worker for Thursday morning.  She said she has tons of things to show me and what not, I’m happy to have her even at this point.

I plan to speak to my husband sometime this weekend.  Fingers crossed things stay civil!