Counseling & abuse effects on children – Advice Please!

After a week of calling twice and having them tell me they’d return my call, I finally heard back from the Community Counseling Center.  Tom and I have been trying to get in with them since the beginning of the month!  We were originally going to go with a licensed professional, but at $100 plus taxes every week, we just can’t afford that.  Plus I wanted individual counseling as well.  We’ve been struggling financial as is and as importnant as I feel it is, it just wasn’t a possibility at this time.  I ended up calling the Northern Heath board and asking if they could point me in the right direction for free or cheap marriage counseling and she told me to call the Community Counseling Center.  This is run the the UNBC (University of Northern British Columbia) and is psychology students.  We’re both okay with that!  The students need to learn and we need the help.  It’s $10 per 1 hour session.  It’s a good start regardless in my opinion, and we have our intake appointments on Thursday next week.

I had recieved a call from my sons school on Wednesday.  I thought it was to confirm our meeting on Thursday but she said she wanted to talk about Adam and that she was concerned.  He has a weather and calendar booklet in his desk.  It’s a stapled together paper book and he doodles on it.  His teacher took a look at it on Wednesday and noticed some disturbing drawings.  I’ll also mention at home, adam doesn’t draw or colour what so ever, so to hear that he was doodling was quite a shock all on its own!

Here’s the picture:

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I hope you can make out the drawings.  There are a bunch of hearts crossed out, a broken heart, a tear drop and when asked about the drawing in the bottom left corner, he explained that it’s the gun  he used to commit suicide and that’s his grave.
The school psychologist was at the meeting yesterday who said it isn’t normal for kids his age (8) to know what death is and what not.  He does though.  We’ve had some people pass away as well as some animals.  In order to help him cope, I told him Heaven and Rainbow Bridge is where our souls go until we’re all back together again.  That it’s never goodbye, it’s just see you later.  And that helped him, both my kids.  Not only this, but my mom is on the transplant list for lungs.  If something were to happen to her, I need him to have that belief that it’s only a temporary goodbye.  They are too young and innocent to believe anything else.  as for knowing about suicide and what not, he watches a lot of youtube which now has a filter on it, as does the entire computer.

So when he got home from school Wednesday, I had Grace play in the livingroom and I spoke to Adam in private.  He said he’s in pain all the time; his brain, his hands…  I asked if it had anything to do with his favorite song Pain by Three Days Grace.  He said no but that ever since he heard it, he’s always in pain.  Okay, possibly fabricated a little bit.  But then I asked about the broken hearts and he got a bit teary and said “I hate the way Hun blames you for everything.”  Yes, they caught on to calling him hun, because I do.  I’ve tried to get them to call him dad, doesn’t work.  I asked about the arguing and what not and he said that makes him want to commit suicide and go to Heaven.

I can’t help but feel responsible.  That by feeling so stuck and trapped and unable to leave in the past, that I stayed with all the emotional, mental and verbal abuse and the kids were around it, that I’ve fucked up my children for lack of better words.  They heard and saw so much go on, they felt so much!  Tom was driving them to school the other day and they were blaming him for everything.  I can’t say it was all him, I’m no where near perfect myself, but they see what they see.  He would come home and as soon as he’d walk through the door, was angry at me.  Or he wouldn’t come home until late and those nights, all the kids wanted was to say goodnight to him.  But he’d be too busy out drinking and they’d cry and ask why he didn’t love them.  I’d have to explain that he was just going through some things…  Always made excuses for him but I think it’s important for the kids.  Too young for grown up problems.

There was just so so much that they were there for and now, I’m not sure what to do!
I could sure use some advice right now!

Child abuse….

I received a phone call today from my sister who was livid and not knowing what to do.  Her son is going to be 7 next month and her and the father take turns with my nephew weekly.  This week was the fathers turn.  His girlfriend had appointments and asked my sister to pick him up from school, which she did.  Then she noticed bruises around his neck.  When asked, he told her the fathers girlfriend did it and has been pushing him around, physically.

She said she couldn’t get a hold of the social worker, I told her to call the cops!  She asked if she could do that!  It’s physical abuse, it’s child abuse, yes, you can do that!

I’m outraged right now!!  My kids are supposed to be spending the weekend at my sisters with my nephew, maybe it will help him feel like the kid he’s supposed to feel like at his age.  I told her not to let him go back there.  The social worker and/or police had better do something about this!  They were supposed to investigate the father after my nephew told the social worker “bad things are happening at my dads house.”  But he wouldn’t tell anyone except the social worker.  So at court, he said he lied about it.  Obviously he wasn’t.  I can just imagine the crap she’s been feeding to that poor kid to scare him the way he is!!

So angry right now!

New day, same struggles

1551556_10152216857517495_374650644_nFirst of all, thank you readers for all the comments.  I am definitely trying my best!

I’ll start with homeschooling and move to marriage.  It’s going okay this week.  Adam has finished 20 books online that he has had to listen to, do a 5 question quiz for each, and then read each book back to me.  It took him just a couple days to get through all of them!  He has moved up a level and there are only 5 levels I believe!  He’s doing great with that!  His language arts he shows no interest in at all, but will do it with a bit of complaining.  I’m not sure how to make it fun for him.  I do have games and what not he can do online, but that does nothing for his writing skills at all.  I need him to do the print outs.  I did get the packages of Hooked On Phonics for grade 1 and grade 2, so hopefully that will help.  They’re used and the one package is missing a disk.  I’m on a hunt now.  Ebay maybe.  Math is going good as well, though it’s all online and I’m not sure I like that.  He needs to practice his numbers as well.  I’m thinking of getting him the JUMPMath books.  He will also be starting IXL Math as well.

I’ve started  falling off the track of the work the school has given him.  I’ve heard the school is very flexible though; I hope so, otherwise I may look into actually homeschooling him, getting my own curriculum, etc.  I’ve been thinking about a bit and looking at a site called SelfDesign which is based here in BC Canada.  I’ve also been hearing about “unschooling” but I have no idea what that actually is.  I imagine it’s everything that school isn’t?

Yesterday, I received an email from TinyEYE which is the site he’ll be receiving his speech therapy through.  They said they’d call this week to set up his assessment over skype.  Hopefully soon because he hasn’t had anything in a week now, and I don’t like that at all.
I’ve been posting on some freecycling groups on facebook for school/homeschool supplies.  When I took him out, I didn’t consider anything I would need, just how he was feeling and what I felt I needed to do for my son.  That was number one on my list.  The community has really come together for me though, I am so grateful!  Of course, the fact that the car is broke and I live out of city limits is no help.  People have actually delivered the items.  The one today brought me out a chalkboard with a ledge.  Someone was asking $20 for it and decided I could take it for free.  A random lady offered to deliver it to me.  Simply amazing.  You just don’t see people like that very often anymore.  Not here at least. (Prince George is also known as “Little Detroit” with higher crime rates than Vancouver given it’s size)  This is no place to raise children.  There’s also a man/men going around trying to get children from schools.  I haven’t seen it happen so often as it has this school year.  It really has my paranoia going.  Especially now that it’s only Grace in school.  I’m tempted to pack the kids up, move down south to the small town my brother, aunt, and mom live in, and homeschool the kids!  I’m becoming such a hermit.  For that, I blame my marriage.  Speaking of marriage…

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There must be a special secret school that men go to as young boys to learn exactly what to say to emotionally scar a woman for life.
Just the other day my husband told me I haven’t done anything for him in the 15 years (in August) that we’ve been together.  Considering I sit here in this house, out of city limits, not allowed to have friends or go anywhere without him, and especially considering that I don’t know who I am, I would say I’ve given him my life…my very existence as an individual, and a human being.  Perhaps if I knew who I was, I’d be able to stand up for myself and scream “STOP!”  That I need an end to this abuse, to this pain, to the constant storm raging inside.  But I sit here, quietly, or not so quietly, while he takes his frustrations out on me as if I were able to control them; like the weather for example.  Um, I’m sorry I made it rain.  Pardon me while I go call on the Sun Goddess to make YOUR life happier.

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That being said, I’ve come to the point, again, where I’m not even interested in voicing my opinions or expressing how I feel.  I hate being brushed off and I hate having every word I say get turned on me and turn into a screaming match.  I am sure as hell not perfect, but I don’t deserve this.  My kids don’t deserve to feel that tension in the air.  My dog doesn’t deserve the fear she feels during our arguments!  This is also another reason I’d like to homeschool both children; no need to worry about transferring schools if/when I do decide I’ve had enough.
I’m hoping my form will be here soon so we can go do our taxes.  Not that I get anything back and do have to ask for everything; I plan to get get my learner license again and see what I can do to afford driving lessons.  My uncle said he’s set me up with a car.  If that happens, I’d be able to pack up and get out one day while he’s still at work.  Fill the tank and never look back.  Though I guess with kids, it’s never that easy.  But then again, he says he doesn’t want contact with the kids if I leave.  That’s fine.  If he decides that, than obviously he doesn’t deserve the kids time anyway!  I’ve put over half my life in trying to make something toxic work.  I love this guy with all my heart and I know my heart strings will burn with pain, but I’d rather go through the heart break rather than all of this I think.
My problem is sticking to the plan I made.  He says what I want to hear and treats me good, and I change my mind.  I need to work on myself…a lot.  I need to remember those words are empty.

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Homeschool & heart strings

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Wow.  It has been a week to say the least!  The beginning of the week was quite difficult.  My last entry, I mentioned I spoke with the school my little guy will be going through and about the special needs class.  He did start regular grade 1 and is doing good.  On Monday, I received a call around 10am from the principal of the kids school saying the other school had called.  I hadn’t had the chance to call that morning.  She was definitely shocked and tried her hardest to convince me to let him stay.  She then offered to have someone call about in town activities, so of course I agreed.  This lady called later that day saying she’s the support worker for the school and she’d look into the types of activities I mentioned to her, and then spent 15 minutes telling me why I need to keep my son in public school.  Things like “he might think he’s dumb because his sister is going to school and he isn’t” and something along the lines of the lack of socialization will corrupt his adulthood.  I called my sister who then called her ministry support worker.  I was honestly afraid that worker would have called the ministry because I was choosing to homeschool.  My sisters worker told me to call the principal and school board and place a complaint against her.  I didn’t, I couldn’t.  I don’t want the drama or the battle that could cause.  I also feel that everyone is entitled to their opinions.  The ministry worker also said the school would have no grounds to go on as homeschooling is a very acceptable option these days.  I was so stressed out that day trying to figure out what to do.  The schools worker said we could get my son into the split 1/2 class where the EA spends most of her time so he would get the extra help.  If that’s the case, why wasn’t he already in that class?  Her second option for me was half days.  I don’t see a point in that.  He’s able to do the work, but with the trouble people have understanding him, it’s been tough for him trying to get the help he needs.  I felt he needs one on one time with someone who understands his speech.

Tuesday my daughter had her health circuit; she had two needles, her sight checked, hearing checked, and her teeth checked.  She didn’t even flinch getting her needles.  She did amazingly!  After that, we drove up to the school to get my son and his things.  We had planned to take him out on Wednesday, but after the talk with the support worker, and the fact that he was enrolled with a different school, I chose to take him out.  Hubby and I get there, and automatically end up in a “meeting” with the teacher and principal…which is why we showed up early.  My poor little man cried saying bye to his friends, especially his girlfriend.  Of course, I was on the verge of tears.  The teacher and principal were also on the verge of tears.  That was one thing I never took into consideration; the bond between the staff and the students.  Once home, I was in a dark hole.  I was extremely depressed the entire day and was questioning if I did the right thing for Adam.  I’m still wondering to be honest.
On Wednesday Adam and I went to the doctor.  Adam will be going to see a pediatrician for his speech and also possible depression which was another reason I chose to pull him out.  He was coming home so sad and depressed.  It was heartwrenching.

Today, Gracie came home from school with a thick stack of papers.  The kids from Adams class had drawn pictures for him.  On the top was the drawing from his girlfriend.  In the picture, they were holding hands, happy, and hearts all over.  It said “I mes you.”  Yes, I mes you.  As we’re going through them, he starts crying…and so did I.  I know he’s hurting and that hurts me.  I can feel it.  I just hope I’m doing the right thing here for him.  I’m lost right now.

Onto the actual homeschooling topic.  I’m out of ink for my printer now; both color and black.  I’ve printed off a lot of things so far.  I had to print off this test and application to get Adam to see the speech pathologist online, I haven’t heard back yet though.  A lot of printing out school work and what not as well.  I have had to bookmark so many different websites, each have different login information, as does his online classroom.  I’ve spent a while trying to figure out different activities for him to do in school and have found some.  The Art Museum has a homeschooler program, as does The Exploration Place.  I’m looking into an art class, he’s very interested in dance and martial arts, as well as swimming.  Saturdays are going to be our library day.  I plan to take both kids to the observatory, everyone in this house has a love and fascination with the stars and planets.  I’ve also found a bunch of place to take him for field trips such as the train museum, Barkerville, roller skating, art drop in, etc.  Both kids will be able to attend a lot of the classes and field trips, so that will be great.

It’s hard though.  Just being a mom and trying to figure out what’s best for him.

Traumatic past week

I have a couple things to write about, just to get things off my chest.

I’m going to start with my son Adam.  Adam started with a cough and a runny nose.  On Monday the 7th (my daughter Grace’s 5th birthday), he came home from school complaining of a sore throat.  Adam doesn’t complain about feeling ill, so I knew it had to be serious.  As I went to feel the glands in his neck to check for swelling, I realized both sides looked like there were golf balls sticking out.  Upon looking into his throat, I noticed his extremely swollen tonsils.  I got him into the doctor the next day.  The doctor confirmed tonsillitis for the 3rd time this year and gave him another prescription for antibiotics.  Come Thursday, Adam had been home all week except Monday.  The swelling hadn’t gone down at all.  In fact, it had gotten worse.  I checked inside his throat again and it was covered with a white film and the sides of his throat were touching.  I decided then to take him to the hospital.

Upon registering Adam at the ER check-in, my brain was mush at this point.  So when asked if he was still in diapers or if he could pee in the cup by himself, I ended up telling the nurse he’s house broken rather than potty trained.  We had a good laugh about that.  We were the 3rd family in the ER, however, the ambulances kept coming, some came together, some back to back.  It was horrible to see.  There was a man who ran in saying his wife was having a seizure and the Ativan wasn’t working.  The kids and I were still registering Adam so still up at the desk when he brought her in on a stretchers.  I did my best to keep the kids heads turned.  I felt so terrible for the woman…she was so scared.

We got called into a room where the ER doctor looked at Adam’s throat and did his exam.  Maybe 3 minutes worth of exam then turned to me and said he wanted to admit him to Paediatrics.  Okay.  If that’s what he needs, let’s do it.  At this point, I couldn’t even remember how much Adam weighed at birth.  It had been days since I had slept due to the sleep apnea he was experiencing at home as well as the fact that he was waking up every half hour.  Mixed with the worry I was feeling, I just wasn’t all there.
Adam was given a dose of Dexamethasone to help with the swelling of his lymph nodes.  At this point, it was about 11:30pm.  The Pediatrician decided to hold off on the antibiotic IV, but did give him Tylenol for his fever.  We went to sleep.  I should say he went to sleep.  He was hooked up to a monitor to track his oxygen level and heart rate.  That monitor would go off every 20 minutes, give or take.  The nurses were constantly in the room.  They had his in isolation so when they decided on another dose of Dexamethasone, 2 Pediatricians and a nurse came in wearing the masks, gowns and gloves.  They gave him the medicine (his throat was still touching and his oxygen level was dropping to about 81), they also decided to suction out his nose, give him another dose of Tylenol and give him a medicine through the nebulizer machine.  After they left the room, he was crying a bit and told me he was scared.  When I asked why, he told me he’s dying.  It broke my heart as I reassured him he’s not dying.

When we left, the Paediatric nurses gave Adam a teddy bear, which is actually a grey elephant with a lot of hair (who he named Super Hair) and a bag full of goodies.  These were all supplied by the Starlight Children’s Foundation.  Please click the graphic to view their site.
He’s doing okay now but has a referral to see an ENT to have his tonsils removed, and is being tested for sleep apnea.  He still has a bit of a sore throat, but he’s doing great and was even excited to get back to school.
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The next thing I’d like to write about today is October 15th and what it represents.
October 15th of every year is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  This is a day when all parents and families of angel babies come together to remember their children and honor the other angel babies.
We light a candle at 7pm (in all time zones) to have a candle burning for our babies throughout the entire 24 hour day.  A light constantly shines for them.
I have been having a very hard time dealing with this this year, I can’t figure out why.  My heart aches.  Actually yesterday, my abdomen was in a lot of pain.  Empty womb syndrome. :/  I miss my babies.  There are so many what if’s and how come’s.  To think of the ages my angels would be…  The oldest would be 15 years old had I not miscarried.
I do hope if you knew of this day, you lit your candles to honor those gone too soon.

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First Steps To Leaving An Emotionally Abusive Marriage

I had started this blog to blog about my marriage and parenting.  The good and bad of everything in my life, but it seems it has changed course.  This blog will now consist of my life, starting with my emotionally abusive marriage, and what I’m currently going through to get the help my children and I need.  That being said, welcome to my blog.

I’ll start off by saying my husband has been emotionally abusive for years.  Yes, including before we were married; however it wasn’t as bad as it is now.  We’ve been together since I was 14 years old and at that time, I was blinded by love.  I figured with time, things would change.  We were both teenagers and both had a lot of growing up to do.  I guess in some ways, I did know he was emotionally abusive, though I didn’t understand what it was.  I just knew it wasn’t supposed to be that way.  None of my friends boyfriends told them they were not allowed to have friends, or would leave with his friends with the demands to stay home, clean the house and have dinner ready whenever/if he decided to come home that night.  Actually, it’s still pretty much that case.  He told me last year I was allowed to have friends.  I got a job and went to dinner with a bunch of the ladies from work.  He dropped me off at my friend’s house and left.  We took off to the restaurant right away.  I soon received a text from my husband accusing me of convincing him to drop me off at a guy’s house so I could have an affair.  He said there were no tire tracks in the snow.  I literally had to take a picture of my friends and me under the logo of the restaurant and text it to him.  I quit my job and stayed home with the kids after that.

So, the other night, hubby comes in the house.  My daughter wanted to sleep in my son’s room with him, his bedroom is upstairs.  Okay, no problem as long as they go to sleep at a half decent time.  Hubby comes in and automatically snaps at my daughter, yelling at her to get downstairs into bed.  I told hubby she was sleeping in my son’s room and I went to comfort my kids.  They were both in tears.  When I got them settled and tucked in, I came out to the living room where he snapped on me!  The house is a mess, the kids don’t pick up their toys, we don’t have any money, he works for nothing, the dog made him angry, work is stressing him out, the bronco still won’t start, he’s tired of supporting the kids and I, I’m useless, I’m a burden to everyone…  You name it, he went off about it! He also said he expected to be first in not only my life, but everyone’s lives!  Voices were definitely raised.  At about 11:30pm, I assumed the kids were asleep.  I went into my room in tears and there sat both kids, wide awake.  My daughter came up to me, gave me a big hug and asked if my hubby made me cry again, and that she was going to tell him to stop yelling at me.  It was heart wrenching to know they heard everything.  I felt like such a horrible parent!

The next morning, he left for work at 7:30am and I did some research.  I sent an email to one of the places that help women get out of abusive relationships.  I had my mind made up, enough is enough.  Especially now that I knew my children were being affected.  This morning, I received an email back saying the particular person I emailed was out of the office but she was transferring me to someone in “Victim Services.”  I read that and though “victim?”  I had never once thought of myself as a victim, but I suppose it’s the truth; that alone had me in tears.  I am a victim of my own husband, and the children, victims of their father.  It was quite a shock for me to read that, to think about it that way.  It was something I never considered and to have it said to me, even via email, it made my head spin.  For my kids, she’s suggested a program called “Children Who Witness Abuse.”  This will be good for them.  It will help them a lot.

I spoke to my sister after that who told me to call them instead, but I just couldn’t do it.  I was in tears and couldn’t talk about it because I’d start crying.  So she called down there and got me some information.  They wanted me to either call the women’s shelters they have, or call them.  I waited a couple hours, but I did call them.  She went on to explain what they do, and what abuse is.  She hit everything dead on.  I was shocked again.  I had no idea I was in a “typical” abusive relationship.  I have booked an appointment with my new worker for Thursday morning.  She said she has tons of things to show me and what not, I’m happy to have her even at this point.

I plan to speak to my husband sometime this weekend.  Fingers crossed things stay civil!