Admitting how I feel/breaking his heart

I missed my counseling appointment on Tuesday.  I have rebooked for next Tuesday.  It’ll be my first appointment.  Tom had his first yesterday.  We were talking after that and he wanted the truth about how I feel, so I told him.  I told him the truth which was hard for me and I’m sure much harder for him.

I told him that I’m pretty sure I was starting to fall in love with the other guy.  He was questioning why I was still hung up on it.  That’s why.  I also told him that I’m not sure I’m in love with him anymore.  I love him, don’t get me wrong.  I will always love him.  I’m just not sure I’m in love with him.

I think when I went through whatever I went through in October, when I stopped caring and was so angry at him, maybe I stopped then.  Or maybe I never actually did and had been “in love” with the idea of making him into a better person; fixing him.  Now that he is, it’s just too late or something.  I’m trying my best to fall back in love with him.  He’s being such a great husband now.  He’s being everything I’ve hoped he’d be, so I’m confused.  I guess just the 16 years of trying.  I’m not sure.  But there’s also the other guy and I do have some very strong feelings for that man that I can’t seem to push aside.

Some of the last things he said to me go through my mind often.  “I’ll miss you…”  “It would be impossible to forget you.”  “I have feelings for you.”  And then the hard things that we talked about too, like not being able to talk to each other because we have feelings for each other, and that we’d never leave our spouses for each other.

Him and I can’t be together and even if I left Tom and he left his girl, it just wouldn’t be a good thing I think, to have a relationship based on an emotional affair.  Maybe I’m wrong, no idea.  But I also don’t know if I should stay here with my husband not being in love with him.  We talk, we get along and all that stuff, that’s not a problem.  But the “in love” part is missing on my part.  I need to at least give him a chance and try.  I feel like I owe him that and also for the kids.  At the same time, what I wanted when I was 14 when we got together, isn’t what I want now.  And the past is hard to get over too.  The feelings of the words are still there.  I’m still affected by them.

I really need to talk to the counselor.  I need to try to figure out my crap and I’m hoping she can help me with it .  I just don’t know what to do.  I feel like Tom deserves better than me now.  I told him he shouldn’t be comforting me while my heart aches over another guy and he said if that’s what it takes for me to stay, he wants to do it.  He deserves better than me.

Counseling & abuse effects on children – Advice Please!

After a week of calling twice and having them tell me they’d return my call, I finally heard back from the Community Counseling Center.  Tom and I have been trying to get in with them since the beginning of the month!  We were originally going to go with a licensed professional, but at $100 plus taxes every week, we just can’t afford that.  Plus I wanted individual counseling as well.  We’ve been struggling financial as is and as importnant as I feel it is, it just wasn’t a possibility at this time.  I ended up calling the Northern Heath board and asking if they could point me in the right direction for free or cheap marriage counseling and she told me to call the Community Counseling Center.  This is run the the UNBC (University of Northern British Columbia) and is psychology students.  We’re both okay with that!  The students need to learn and we need the help.  It’s $10 per 1 hour session.  It’s a good start regardless in my opinion, and we have our intake appointments on Thursday next week.

I had recieved a call from my sons school on Wednesday.  I thought it was to confirm our meeting on Thursday but she said she wanted to talk about Adam and that she was concerned.  He has a weather and calendar booklet in his desk.  It’s a stapled together paper book and he doodles on it.  His teacher took a look at it on Wednesday and noticed some disturbing drawings.  I’ll also mention at home, adam doesn’t draw or colour what so ever, so to hear that he was doodling was quite a shock all on its own!

Here’s the picture:

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I hope you can make out the drawings.  There are a bunch of hearts crossed out, a broken heart, a tear drop and when asked about the drawing in the bottom left corner, he explained that it’s the gun  he used to commit suicide and that’s his grave.
The school psychologist was at the meeting yesterday who said it isn’t normal for kids his age (8) to know what death is and what not.  He does though.  We’ve had some people pass away as well as some animals.  In order to help him cope, I told him Heaven and Rainbow Bridge is where our souls go until we’re all back together again.  That it’s never goodbye, it’s just see you later.  And that helped him, both my kids.  Not only this, but my mom is on the transplant list for lungs.  If something were to happen to her, I need him to have that belief that it’s only a temporary goodbye.  They are too young and innocent to believe anything else.  as for knowing about suicide and what not, he watches a lot of youtube which now has a filter on it, as does the entire computer.

So when he got home from school Wednesday, I had Grace play in the livingroom and I spoke to Adam in private.  He said he’s in pain all the time; his brain, his hands…  I asked if it had anything to do with his favorite song Pain by Three Days Grace.  He said no but that ever since he heard it, he’s always in pain.  Okay, possibly fabricated a little bit.  But then I asked about the broken hearts and he got a bit teary and said “I hate the way Hun blames you for everything.”  Yes, they caught on to calling him hun, because I do.  I’ve tried to get them to call him dad, doesn’t work.  I asked about the arguing and what not and he said that makes him want to commit suicide and go to Heaven.

I can’t help but feel responsible.  That by feeling so stuck and trapped and unable to leave in the past, that I stayed with all the emotional, mental and verbal abuse and the kids were around it, that I’ve fucked up my children for lack of better words.  They heard and saw so much go on, they felt so much!  Tom was driving them to school the other day and they were blaming him for everything.  I can’t say it was all him, I’m no where near perfect myself, but they see what they see.  He would come home and as soon as he’d walk through the door, was angry at me.  Or he wouldn’t come home until late and those nights, all the kids wanted was to say goodnight to him.  But he’d be too busy out drinking and they’d cry and ask why he didn’t love them.  I’d have to explain that he was just going through some things…  Always made excuses for him but I think it’s important for the kids.  Too young for grown up problems.

There was just so so much that they were there for and now, I’m not sure what to do!
I could sure use some advice right now!

Battered Woman/Wife Syndrome

I apologize for the lack of entries in not only this blog, but all of them!  I’ve set a goal to write at least one entry per week, per blog.

I have been struggling again lately.  I’m doing my best to homeschool my son, which is proving difficult due to his lack of interest unless the work is done on the computer.  It’s stressful for me and I just don’t know how to get him interested.  Hubby said he was bringing home a whiteboard from work, so maybe I can get Adam to write on the whiteboard.  He isn’t doing terrible with schooling, but is still a bit behind in some things.  The speech therapy is going great!

On Friday, my house flooded.  Thank you Mother Nature for making it obvious Spring has arrived!  Hubby was still at work, so I started to move everything myself.  The kids had toys all over the place, a lot of crafting things, PS3 remotes, etc.  Everything was under water.  It came in so quickly!  Hubby came home after half an hour with a gas powered water pump from work, thankfully.  He set that up and the water was gone just as fast as it came in.  However, my entire main floor is fully carpeted.  All I have is a shampooer which really doesn’t suck up that much water as that’s not what it’s for.  I spent 5 hours straight cleaning up and moving things.  He just stood there saying he didn’t know where to start, and never did do anything at all.  I can’t move the 46″ TV, I’m 4’10”, my arm span just isn’t very big.  I was afraid I’d drop it in the water.  He wouldn’t even do that.  He got up Saturday at noon, rearranged the pump, and was sleeping by 5:15 PM.  He did get some of the water out of the kitchen and hall, but the worst is the living room, nothing’s been done in there and it’s starting to smell musty.  I sent the kids off on Friday, but they’re coming back today.  This is no place for the kids to be and I have nowhere to go with them.  I have been trying to borrow a shop vac, but the 2 people I know who have one, currently have broken ones.

I feel like hubby’s been hiding something from me lately.  He’s constantly on his cell phone texting.  He pays absolutely no attention to me when he’s on that thing which is funny because at work, he can be on the phone, computer and speaking to someone in person.  He’s been distant and I thought there was no conversation before, now we don’t even talk.  I try, but he doesn’t say anything back or gives me a one or two word reply.  He’s been coming home just to leave again, half the time, I have to remind him to say bye to the kids.  Sometimes he doesn’t.  He came home mad at me the other day and left right away, the poor kids actually cried and asked me if he was going to come back!

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Last night, I was talking to an online friend who told me she’s sure I have “Battered Woman Syndrome.”  I cried.  I didn’t know she could see that just in our chats!  And we don’t speak very often!  Very observant she is.  I was stunned though that this woman online could point it out, never being in an abusive relationship herself.  I felt ashamed though.  This had me awake for hours last night when I should have been sleeping.  Which something that comes in small amounts these days.  I need to go back to E. Fry and start seeing Cindy again.  I need to get to those appointments.  She’s a worker at one of the domestic abuse places and though I only had one appointment, she was a huge help with resources, phone numbers, information, etc.  I need to go back.  So I’m going to work on trying to get a ride once a week.  I’ll also need this person to watch Adam while I’m in there though.  Might be tough, but I don’t have a choice.  Maybe I should get him back into school so I can work on getting us out of here?  Ugh, no idea what to do.  I’ll figure it out though, I’m determined on this!

After googling a lot of different websites on Battered Woman Syndrome, I’ve come to realize this fits me perfectly, unfortunately.  This is me.  Though I’m not physically battered, I may as well be, I hurt just the same, except it doesn’t heal and the scabs keep getting torn off.  The bruises don’t fade and the breaks don’t heal.  Oh course, the words seem to get louder rather than fade away.  It’s like a PTSD thing.  It feels that way for me personally.  I can’t turn it off and even good days can turn into bad days as soon as those unwanted memories come flashing back, unable to shake them from my head.
I need to do something here.  I’m trying to do something, even if it’s small steps.  I can’t keep saying I will, and don’t.  My kids deserve better….I deserve better.

Changes and marriage

I’ve decided to make some changes to my blog.
I’ve created a few other blogs; one for Wicca which will have books and information, as well as my experiences and teaching my daughter who is very interested. (My son, not so much so I of course, will not push him)  I’ve created one based on homeschooling, my experiences teaching Adam, and will have resources.  The third is based on domestic abuse in general.  Not much in regards to myself, but resources to help those who need it.  For the homeschooling blog, and the abuse blog, I’ll be posting resources for Canada as that’s where I’m located, but I’m also going to do my best to post resources for the US and over seas as well.  No one needs to suffer, and sometimes asking for help is the strongest thing you can do!
I’m just trying to get them all straightened out right now.  I really don’t like the free layouts, but I can’t afford to purchase any so I’m struggling a bit with how I want it.  I suppose in the long run, it’s the information that matters most.
I’m also thinking of transferring my old blog here which is based on making money at home, sites I personally use/used, no scams.
I’ll have links to these blogs at the top once they’re ready for publicity.

On the marriage front, I just need to vent about last night.  Hubby’s been working a lot of overtime putting in 13 hour days sometimes and he’s worked the past 12 days straight putting in between 12 and 13 hours each day.  I do feel for him, he’s tired and exhausted.  I don’t complain about him working or how much he works.  I understand and being a stay at home mom, I can’t say anything.

Yesterday, he called at 7:30 pm saying he was on his way.  He’s about 15 minutes away.  He was complaining about how tired he was and that he just wanted to come home, have a shower, and go to sleep.  I called him at 8:30 pm since he still wasn’t home.  The roads are terrible, the car’s even worse.  No answer though.  I called him again at 9 pm and he was at the neighbors having a few beer.  He ended up getting home around 10 pm.  I was very disappointed in him.  He’s constantly complaining about never seeing the kids and never having time to be at home…or to sleep.
He walks in the door (the neighbor is literally next door) and is drunk.  I was so hurt.  I was angry yes, but I was more hurt.  He never seems to have time for me.  He’s too busy playing Minecraft when he is home, or just goes to bed.  I feel really alone these days.  I tried to talk to him about how I felt without a reply at all, then he started talking about work.  It’s pointless to try to work on something when the other doesn’t care and doesn’t see anything wrong in the marriage.  My words fall on deaf ears and my actions go unnoticed.  My heart aches so much and after reading about the “heart strings” (tendons in the heart), the pain I literally got in my heart when I’m stressed emotionally makes sense.  The migraines are no fun either.

I have my plan to go in and get my L, which here in BC Canada, is the learners license.  I don’t have my license.  This was my plan last month, but financially it wasn’t possible.  I’m hoping this summer I’ll have enough confidence driving to go get my N. (Novice)  I need this to be able to continue homeschooling Adam.  I’m also thinking the kids and I will be heading to my brothers again, for the whole summer this time.  I may not return though.  My brother is about 7 hours south of here.  At least for a couple weeks though, I need a break.

Why do I do this to myself?  I know it’s not going to change.  I know he’s all about materials rather than, well anything else.  I’m an object to him.  He’s the kind of person who thinks he’s superior to everyone else and in order to be in his life, you have to show him what you can do for him.  Narcissist.
I have to have a breaking point don’t I?  Maybe I’m just so far past that point that I’ve given up.  I really need to get my license so I can go back to seeing the worker at the abuse outreach center.  I think that will help!

Oh, I also received a lot of comments regarding hubby finding this blog.  He doesn’t use the internet.  He knows how to check his email on his cell, knows how to play Minecraft, and that’s it.  His family knows what’s going on here for the most part.  His aunt actually told me to call her if I need out and to “leave the asshole” that she knows he’s all about himself.  I’m not worried at all.  I’ve tried explaining to him that what he does is abuse, you should hear that argument! 😦

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New day, same struggles

1551556_10152216857517495_374650644_nFirst of all, thank you readers for all the comments.  I am definitely trying my best!

I’ll start with homeschooling and move to marriage.  It’s going okay this week.  Adam has finished 20 books online that he has had to listen to, do a 5 question quiz for each, and then read each book back to me.  It took him just a couple days to get through all of them!  He has moved up a level and there are only 5 levels I believe!  He’s doing great with that!  His language arts he shows no interest in at all, but will do it with a bit of complaining.  I’m not sure how to make it fun for him.  I do have games and what not he can do online, but that does nothing for his writing skills at all.  I need him to do the print outs.  I did get the packages of Hooked On Phonics for grade 1 and grade 2, so hopefully that will help.  They’re used and the one package is missing a disk.  I’m on a hunt now.  Ebay maybe.  Math is going good as well, though it’s all online and I’m not sure I like that.  He needs to practice his numbers as well.  I’m thinking of getting him the JUMPMath books.  He will also be starting IXL Math as well.

I’ve started  falling off the track of the work the school has given him.  I’ve heard the school is very flexible though; I hope so, otherwise I may look into actually homeschooling him, getting my own curriculum, etc.  I’ve been thinking about a bit and looking at a site called SelfDesign which is based here in BC Canada.  I’ve also been hearing about “unschooling” but I have no idea what that actually is.  I imagine it’s everything that school isn’t?

Yesterday, I received an email from TinyEYE which is the site he’ll be receiving his speech therapy through.  They said they’d call this week to set up his assessment over skype.  Hopefully soon because he hasn’t had anything in a week now, and I don’t like that at all.
I’ve been posting on some freecycling groups on facebook for school/homeschool supplies.  When I took him out, I didn’t consider anything I would need, just how he was feeling and what I felt I needed to do for my son.  That was number one on my list.  The community has really come together for me though, I am so grateful!  Of course, the fact that the car is broke and I live out of city limits is no help.  People have actually delivered the items.  The one today brought me out a chalkboard with a ledge.  Someone was asking $20 for it and decided I could take it for free.  A random lady offered to deliver it to me.  Simply amazing.  You just don’t see people like that very often anymore.  Not here at least. (Prince George is also known as “Little Detroit” with higher crime rates than Vancouver given it’s size)  This is no place to raise children.  There’s also a man/men going around trying to get children from schools.  I haven’t seen it happen so often as it has this school year.  It really has my paranoia going.  Especially now that it’s only Grace in school.  I’m tempted to pack the kids up, move down south to the small town my brother, aunt, and mom live in, and homeschool the kids!  I’m becoming such a hermit.  For that, I blame my marriage.  Speaking of marriage…

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There must be a special secret school that men go to as young boys to learn exactly what to say to emotionally scar a woman for life.
Just the other day my husband told me I haven’t done anything for him in the 15 years (in August) that we’ve been together.  Considering I sit here in this house, out of city limits, not allowed to have friends or go anywhere without him, and especially considering that I don’t know who I am, I would say I’ve given him my life…my very existence as an individual, and a human being.  Perhaps if I knew who I was, I’d be able to stand up for myself and scream “STOP!”  That I need an end to this abuse, to this pain, to the constant storm raging inside.  But I sit here, quietly, or not so quietly, while he takes his frustrations out on me as if I were able to control them; like the weather for example.  Um, I’m sorry I made it rain.  Pardon me while I go call on the Sun Goddess to make YOUR life happier.

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That being said, I’ve come to the point, again, where I’m not even interested in voicing my opinions or expressing how I feel.  I hate being brushed off and I hate having every word I say get turned on me and turn into a screaming match.  I am sure as hell not perfect, but I don’t deserve this.  My kids don’t deserve to feel that tension in the air.  My dog doesn’t deserve the fear she feels during our arguments!  This is also another reason I’d like to homeschool both children; no need to worry about transferring schools if/when I do decide I’ve had enough.
I’m hoping my form will be here soon so we can go do our taxes.  Not that I get anything back and do have to ask for everything; I plan to get get my learner license again and see what I can do to afford driving lessons.  My uncle said he’s set me up with a car.  If that happens, I’d be able to pack up and get out one day while he’s still at work.  Fill the tank and never look back.  Though I guess with kids, it’s never that easy.  But then again, he says he doesn’t want contact with the kids if I leave.  That’s fine.  If he decides that, than obviously he doesn’t deserve the kids time anyway!  I’ve put over half my life in trying to make something toxic work.  I love this guy with all my heart and I know my heart strings will burn with pain, but I’d rather go through the heart break rather than all of this I think.
My problem is sticking to the plan I made.  He says what I want to hear and treats me good, and I change my mind.  I need to work on myself…a lot.  I need to remember those words are empty.

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Catching up on the past month

My last posts were about my grandparents birthdays.  I meant to post about my grandpas passing on November 24th, but the depression kicked into high gear, unfortunately.  I become very anti-social around November and December because of the heartache I continue to feel from losing them.  Christmas was my grandmas favorite holiday, it’s still very hard for me but I do the best I can to make it wonderful for my kids.  They deserve at least an amazing Christmas!   Of course, hubby had to turn it all to crap.  It’s what he does.  I’m not sure what he was so angry about, but he ended up telling my little guy that he didn’t care when Adam was trying to talk to him.  I ended up whispering “some fucking father you are” thinking the kids couldn’t hear me through the music in the car and the muffler noise (wonderful roads here tore it off, along with the bumper of the car!), Adam turned and said “yeah, some fucking dad you are.”  I know it’s terrible of me, but I burst out laughing.  Tom made a threat saying something about tearing a strip off him had he known what he said, the thing is, Adam may have a bad speech problem, but he knows what the words mean.
Before Christmas, Adam accidently knelt on my tablet he was using and cracked the LCD screen inside.  I have no picture on it at all.  I have yet to tell Tom.  I figure when I do, I’ll be blaming it on myself to save Adam from the shit storm.  He doesn’t deserve it, it was an accident, he told me right away and apologized numerous times.  He honestly felt terrible.  Tom won’t see it that way though.  He says he can’t own anything nice because the kids ruin everything.  It’s heartbreaking.  He shouldn’t have been a dad…shouldn’t be a dad.  I don’t regret my kids, but I regret who I had them with.

The kids had a decent Christmas.  Unfortunately, we all had the flu.  It started with Gracie, moved to Adam, then to me, and then to Tom.  Once we were better, Tom ended up getting it again, and then I got it again.  It was just a 24 hour flu, but the second time I got it, it lasted nearly a week.  I was worried though because the Norwalk virus and H1N1 have been spreading like wild fire lately.  H1N1 has over 30 people on ventilators from what I’ve read, and has killed 10 people in this province already.  H1N1 is especially dangerous to those with lung problems such as myself and my asthma.  It’s scary for me to think of getting a flu that could take me away from my kids and leave them with Tom.  It’s not an option for me.  I’ve been sanitizing my house like a mad woman.

December 31st marked 4 years since the passing of my 23 year old cousin Felicia.  Felicia was an amazing person with the most beautiful soul.  She had developed brain cancer in her chest as a teen.  She was in remission twice prior to relapsing the third time which eventually killed her.  Too young.

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Adam is failing grade 1.  For this, I partially blame his teacher.  She can’t understand him with his speech problems.  He had gotten bullied in the bathroom one day; a couple kids told him “no Adams allowed” and that he wasn’t allowed to pee.  He threw his coat at them after they were wiping him with their coats and Adam was the one who got in trouble.  Oh, talk about an angry mama!  His teacher has been telling me he isn’t doing much work at school.  Monday, he brought work home.  As I looked it over, I noticed he was doing the work but in the wrong places, wrong order, etc.  Adam said he did ask her for help, but she couldn’t understand him.  It’s so sad to hear that.  As teachers, they should know better than to just leave a 6 year old to suffer like that not being understood.  The one day, he felt sick.  No one could understand him so they just pushed him throughout the day.  He had tonsillitis.  I’m just not happy with his teacher at all!  Because he’s failing, they’re definitely going to want to hold him back.  They wanted to in kindergarten too, but he started to do better.  If he is held back, he’ll again be in Mrs Bymans class not being understood and obviously continuing to fail.  I’m not about to let that happen.  So, I’m thinking of home schooling him next year.  He does his work perfectly fine at home for me, but then again, I understand his jibberish.  I don’t like the fact that he’ll be away from his friends.  I feel school is where they learn most of their social skills and what not.  However, at this point, I need to work on his education…you know, his future.  I won’t home school him forever, just until he’s ready to be put back in school.  I want to give him a fair shot at this.  I know what I went through in elementary school, not getting the help I need and why I dropped out (after getting expelled) in the middle of grade 8.  That is a future I do not want for my son and I will do anything I have to to make sure it won’t be his future!

Speaking of tonsillitis, Adam had his appointment with the ENT.  He’s going to go ahead and give him a tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy.  He did leave the choice up to me though, I chose yes.  Considering he ended up admitted to pediatrics last time, I want to get rid of the problem.  Also, they tend not to remove tonsils in adults.  My brother is proof of this.  He’s had tonsillitis so often that he’s immune to antibiotics and they won’t remove his tonsils.  That is something else that’s not an option.  I will not leave him to suffer like that.  Take those things out and be done with it.

On another note, I just made a doctors appointment for myself today.  It normally takes about 2 weeks to get in to see him, but she said I need to come in tomorrow only because she had no room to squeeze me in today.  I have silicone breast implants.  I had my breast augmentation in February 2009 after having my kids and going from a D/DD to barely filling an A cup.  I have noticed some shooting pains here and there for the past year or so, but figured since I tend to get breast cysts and also because I lost sensation from nipple down in both breasts, it was normal pain.  Apparently my silicone implant may have ruptured.  Once silicone gets to your lungs or lymph nodes, there’s no removing it from those places.  This could be a very bad thing and of course, I’m a bit nervous now.  I will keep the updates coming on that.  I’m also worried that if that is the case and I have to have that implant removed, I don’t have money to get it replaced.  I’m a 34G/H, can you imagine how that will look?  Health first of course, but I’m worried about a few different things with this.  Positive vibes needed please!

Also would like to ask for prayers, love and light to be sent to a friend of mine who has recently found to have abnormalities in the tissue in her breast, has had a biopsy and is awaiting the results.
Please send her healing thoughts!

Tom has been so confusing these days.  One day he loves me, the next, I’m his worst enemy and can’t do anything right.  This last episode of “I hate you’s” started Monday.  He came home from work talking about Crissy.  Crissy is the ex stripper who works there who’s sleeping with 3 married men who also work there.  She’s trying to sleep with my friends husband as well.  So he comes home telling me about how short her skirt is and what not.  I’m tired of hearing about her, she’s all I hear about.  I try not to be a jealous person, but he has cheated on me in the past, what makes an ex stripper less appealing than an average woman?  Since then, he’s been distant, hasn’t wanted to touch me at all or even have a conversation. 😦

2nd entry of the day – Regarding my husband

Due to my grandparents birthdays, and my grandpas angel date coming up, I’ve been pretty anti-social.  I tend to avoid the phone, and even avoid conversations online with my online friends.  I also get very depressed and emotional.  This is normal for me though.  My husband isn’t helping at all.
He had all last week off work, he took his weeks holiday.  It was a terrible week.  Between yelling at the kids and I, getting drunk, and being out until all hours of the night, the kids didn’t even get to say good night to him.  That is one of my biggest pet peeves, that he doesn’t put the kids first.  I don’t care where I am on that list, but the kids deserve to be first priority, regardless.  Last week, Adam was home from school too with the double pink eye which ended up so bad he was crying blood.  Not once did he even get him a tissue or a warm wet cloth for his eyes.  He didn’t give him his medicine once.  Adam was waking at least 3 times a night asking for a cloth because his eyes were glued shut from the gunk which seemed more like a cement mix.  I have insomnia, and once I wake up, it normally takes at least an hour to fall back to sleep again.  Then I’m up at 6:45am to get the kids ready for school.  Tom was walking Grace to the bus last week, which I did appreciate, but he couldn’t make her lunch and let Adam and I sleep in a bit.  I had to wake him up, and once he was back home, he would go back to sleep.

Tuesday this week, Tom came home from work and immediately started yelling at the kids and I for any reason he could find.  I told him to leave, but he kept yelling.  I don’t think he heard me.  Finally he said “maybe I should just leave!”  And I replied “yes, that would be nice!”  He left but only for an hour and a half.  He didn’t even say bye to the kids.  Poor Adam was crying his little eyes out.  When Tom got home, I tried explaining that the kids and I, we don’t deserve to live this way.  We didn’t do anything wrong.  In fact, he wouldn’t know what had went on that day because he was too angry with one of the guys at work to see anything else.  It’s hard to keep doing this and the kids obviously don’t deserve it!  He did end up saying he knows we don’t deserve it, but that actually frustrated me even more simply because it happens so often.  If he knows, why doesn’t he try to change it?  Does he want to push us out?  Every time I’ve mentioned leaving, he says he will not want to see the kids, would rather go to jail than pay child support, he’ll leave the country, or will commit suicide.  In fact, the week before last, he came home from work talking about shooting himself in the head, loud enough that both kids heard him in the bedroom.  He kept talking about killing himself to get away from the stress.  I handed him a knife and pretty much told him to shut up and do it.  The suicide talk is getting old.  The kids though, they asked me why he wanted to shoot himself in the head.  Very disappointed and angry with Tom for having even said that knowing there are kids in the house!

That entry I had written, I think it’s the third or fourth one back, about the stripper who started working where hubby works and is sleeping with all these married men there, and is trying to sleep with my friends husband.  Chrissy.  If you haven’t read that entry, hubby always tells me who gets hired or fired, who gets in trouble, etc etc.  I’m his work outlet. :/  Anyway, one day, he started talking about a girl named Chrissy at work.  He said she had been there for a couple months when I asked.  A couple months and he had never mentioned her name.  Yesterday he comes home and it’s Chrissy this and Chrissy that.  I said he sure seems to have her on his mind a lot and he just giggled.  Tom has cheated on me before, so I’ll never trust him 100%.  However, he’s never been in a situation where someone’s throwing her cat all over the place.  Another thing is that she was a stripper.  She’s thin, not ugly, but not my type personally.  But the skinniness is definitely hubby’s type and I’m not skinny.  I’m not obese or anything, but skinny I am not.  He has told me I need to lose weight before, a bunch of times, I know his feelings on my weight, and I know his type.  Hasn’t changed since he was a teenager.
I suppose the positive side is that if he were to have an affair, it would give me that push I need to get the hell out of this prison I call home!