I missed my counseling appointment on Tuesday. I have rebooked for next Tuesday. It’ll be my first appointment. Tom had his first yesterday. We were talking after that and he wanted the truth about how I feel, so I told him. I told him the truth which was hard for me and I’m sure much harder for him.
I told him that I’m pretty sure I was starting to fall in love with the other guy. He was questioning why I was still hung up on it. That’s why. I also told him that I’m not sure I’m in love with him anymore. I love him, don’t get me wrong. I will always love him. I’m just not sure I’m in love with him.
I think when I went through whatever I went through in October, when I stopped caring and was so angry at him, maybe I stopped then. Or maybe I never actually did and had been “in love” with the idea of making him into a better person; fixing him. Now that he is, it’s just too late or something. I’m trying my best to fall back in love with him. He’s being such a great husband now. He’s being everything I’ve hoped he’d be, so I’m confused. I guess just the 16 years of trying. I’m not sure. But there’s also the other guy and I do have some very strong feelings for that man that I can’t seem to push aside.
Some of the last things he said to me go through my mind often. “I’ll miss you…” “It would be impossible to forget you.” “I have feelings for you.” And then the hard things that we talked about too, like not being able to talk to each other because we have feelings for each other, and that we’d never leave our spouses for each other.
Him and I can’t be together and even if I left Tom and he left his girl, it just wouldn’t be a good thing I think, to have a relationship based on an emotional affair. Maybe I’m wrong, no idea. But I also don’t know if I should stay here with my husband not being in love with him. We talk, we get along and all that stuff, that’s not a problem. But the “in love” part is missing on my part. I need to at least give him a chance and try. I feel like I owe him that and also for the kids. At the same time, what I wanted when I was 14 when we got together, isn’t what I want now. And the past is hard to get over too. The feelings of the words are still there. I’m still affected by them.
I really need to talk to the counselor. I need to try to figure out my crap and I’m hoping she can help me with it . I just don’t know what to do. I feel like Tom deserves better than me now. I told him he shouldn’t be comforting me while my heart aches over another guy and he said if that’s what it takes for me to stay, he wants to do it. He deserves better than me.