Counseling & abuse effects on children – Advice Please!

After a week of calling twice and having them tell me they’d return my call, I finally heard back from the Community Counseling Center.  Tom and I have been trying to get in with them since the beginning of the month!  We were originally going to go with a licensed professional, but at $100 plus taxes every week, we just can’t afford that.  Plus I wanted individual counseling as well.  We’ve been struggling financial as is and as importnant as I feel it is, it just wasn’t a possibility at this time.  I ended up calling the Northern Heath board and asking if they could point me in the right direction for free or cheap marriage counseling and she told me to call the Community Counseling Center.  This is run the the UNBC (University of Northern British Columbia) and is psychology students.  We’re both okay with that!  The students need to learn and we need the help.  It’s $10 per 1 hour session.  It’s a good start regardless in my opinion, and we have our intake appointments on Thursday next week.

I had recieved a call from my sons school on Wednesday.  I thought it was to confirm our meeting on Thursday but she said she wanted to talk about Adam and that she was concerned.  He has a weather and calendar booklet in his desk.  It’s a stapled together paper book and he doodles on it.  His teacher took a look at it on Wednesday and noticed some disturbing drawings.  I’ll also mention at home, adam doesn’t draw or colour what so ever, so to hear that he was doodling was quite a shock all on its own!

Here’s the picture:


I hope you can make out the drawings.  There are a bunch of hearts crossed out, a broken heart, a tear drop and when asked about the drawing in the bottom left corner, he explained that it’s the gun  he used to commit suicide and that’s his grave.
The school psychologist was at the meeting yesterday who said it isn’t normal for kids his age (8) to know what death is and what not.  He does though.  We’ve had some people pass away as well as some animals.  In order to help him cope, I told him Heaven and Rainbow Bridge is where our souls go until we’re all back together again.  That it’s never goodbye, it’s just see you later.  And that helped him, both my kids.  Not only this, but my mom is on the transplant list for lungs.  If something were to happen to her, I need him to have that belief that it’s only a temporary goodbye.  They are too young and innocent to believe anything else.  as for knowing about suicide and what not, he watches a lot of youtube which now has a filter on it, as does the entire computer.

So when he got home from school Wednesday, I had Grace play in the livingroom and I spoke to Adam in private.  He said he’s in pain all the time; his brain, his hands…  I asked if it had anything to do with his favorite song Pain by Three Days Grace.  He said no but that ever since he heard it, he’s always in pain.  Okay, possibly fabricated a little bit.  But then I asked about the broken hearts and he got a bit teary and said “I hate the way Hun blames you for everything.”  Yes, they caught on to calling him hun, because I do.  I’ve tried to get them to call him dad, doesn’t work.  I asked about the arguing and what not and he said that makes him want to commit suicide and go to Heaven.

I can’t help but feel responsible.  That by feeling so stuck and trapped and unable to leave in the past, that I stayed with all the emotional, mental and verbal abuse and the kids were around it, that I’ve fucked up my children for lack of better words.  They heard and saw so much go on, they felt so much!  Tom was driving them to school the other day and they were blaming him for everything.  I can’t say it was all him, I’m no where near perfect myself, but they see what they see.  He would come home and as soon as he’d walk through the door, was angry at me.  Or he wouldn’t come home until late and those nights, all the kids wanted was to say goodnight to him.  But he’d be too busy out drinking and they’d cry and ask why he didn’t love them.  I’d have to explain that he was just going through some things…  Always made excuses for him but I think it’s important for the kids.  Too young for grown up problems.

There was just so so much that they were there for and now, I’m not sure what to do!
I could sure use some advice right now!


Battered Woman/Wife Syndrome

I apologize for the lack of entries in not only this blog, but all of them!  I’ve set a goal to write at least one entry per week, per blog.

I have been struggling again lately.  I’m doing my best to homeschool my son, which is proving difficult due to his lack of interest unless the work is done on the computer.  It’s stressful for me and I just don’t know how to get him interested.  Hubby said he was bringing home a whiteboard from work, so maybe I can get Adam to write on the whiteboard.  He isn’t doing terrible with schooling, but is still a bit behind in some things.  The speech therapy is going great!

On Friday, my house flooded.  Thank you Mother Nature for making it obvious Spring has arrived!  Hubby was still at work, so I started to move everything myself.  The kids had toys all over the place, a lot of crafting things, PS3 remotes, etc.  Everything was under water.  It came in so quickly!  Hubby came home after half an hour with a gas powered water pump from work, thankfully.  He set that up and the water was gone just as fast as it came in.  However, my entire main floor is fully carpeted.  All I have is a shampooer which really doesn’t suck up that much water as that’s not what it’s for.  I spent 5 hours straight cleaning up and moving things.  He just stood there saying he didn’t know where to start, and never did do anything at all.  I can’t move the 46″ TV, I’m 4’10”, my arm span just isn’t very big.  I was afraid I’d drop it in the water.  He wouldn’t even do that.  He got up Saturday at noon, rearranged the pump, and was sleeping by 5:15 PM.  He did get some of the water out of the kitchen and hall, but the worst is the living room, nothing’s been done in there and it’s starting to smell musty.  I sent the kids off on Friday, but they’re coming back today.  This is no place for the kids to be and I have nowhere to go with them.  I have been trying to borrow a shop vac, but the 2 people I know who have one, currently have broken ones.

I feel like hubby’s been hiding something from me lately.  He’s constantly on his cell phone texting.  He pays absolutely no attention to me when he’s on that thing which is funny because at work, he can be on the phone, computer and speaking to someone in person.  He’s been distant and I thought there was no conversation before, now we don’t even talk.  I try, but he doesn’t say anything back or gives me a one or two word reply.  He’s been coming home just to leave again, half the time, I have to remind him to say bye to the kids.  Sometimes he doesn’t.  He came home mad at me the other day and left right away, the poor kids actually cried and asked me if he was going to come back!

Last night, I was talking to an online friend who told me she’s sure I have “Battered Woman Syndrome.”  I cried.  I didn’t know she could see that just in our chats!  And we don’t speak very often!  Very observant she is.  I was stunned though that this woman online could point it out, never being in an abusive relationship herself.  I felt ashamed though.  This had me awake for hours last night when I should have been sleeping.  Which something that comes in small amounts these days.  I need to go back to E. Fry and start seeing Cindy again.  I need to get to those appointments.  She’s a worker at one of the domestic abuse places and though I only had one appointment, she was a huge help with resources, phone numbers, information, etc.  I need to go back.  So I’m going to work on trying to get a ride once a week.  I’ll also need this person to watch Adam while I’m in there though.  Might be tough, but I don’t have a choice.  Maybe I should get him back into school so I can work on getting us out of here?  Ugh, no idea what to do.  I’ll figure it out though, I’m determined on this!

After googling a lot of different websites on Battered Woman Syndrome, I’ve come to realize this fits me perfectly, unfortunately.  This is me.  Though I’m not physically battered, I may as well be, I hurt just the same, except it doesn’t heal and the scabs keep getting torn off.  The bruises don’t fade and the breaks don’t heal.  Oh course, the words seem to get louder rather than fade away.  It’s like a PTSD thing.  It feels that way for me personally.  I can’t turn it off and even good days can turn into bad days as soon as those unwanted memories come flashing back, unable to shake them from my head.
I need to do something here.  I’m trying to do something, even if it’s small steps.  I can’t keep saying I will, and don’t.  My kids deserve better….I deserve better.

Not all blood is family! (drama entry)

I apologize for the lack of entries lately.  I’ve been fighting a bad chest cold for 3 weeks now, just can’t seem to get rid of it.  Mixed with my asthma, it’s been hell!  Also, this is full of drama, a heads up in advance.

Today, I’d like to talk about family.  My little girl and I were going through pictures the other day and we came across a picture of my uncle Bill and my dad at his wedding, the wedding I attended even after he refused to attend mine because my half sisters mom was going to be there.  My half sister was part of the wedding party.  Anyway, Gracie asked me why I don’t talk to my dad.  I told her the truth.  My dad wasn’t a good dad, isn’t a good dad, he doesn’t want to be my dad and I left it at that.  I posted on facebook something on the lines of “Grace asked me why I don’t talk to my dad.  How to you explain to an almost 6 year old that your dad threatened to kill you and tried to find you when you were little?”  I did get some comments, some said they understood, that they’d went through it too, others said they were sorry, some gave me some advice.  I appreciated it.  And then my aunt Cindy had to voice her opinion.  Cindy and I don’t know each other well at all.  My dads side of the family didn’t attend my wedding, we don’t talk much, etc.  It was only his parents and one of my cousins who attended the wedding.  It’s fine though.

So Cindy starts going off cursing saying something about how my mom has fed me crap about my dad and that it was her who was a bad mom.  Yes, my mom had a drug problem when my brother, sister and I were little.  She doesn’t deny that at all.  The fact that she sent my brother and sister to live with my grandparents and I so she could go detox was a big step on her part.  It made her a better person obviously.  The will power to know that you’re messing up, regardless of the addiction, takes an amazing amount of strength.  I admire my mom for that!  My mom saw that post before I did, called and was very angry.  She asked me to delete the whole thing, which I did out of respect for her.  Not before I replied to Cindy though.  I pretty much told her that I wasn’t fed anything.  Sure, I’ve heard stories about when I was little, but I haven’t said anything about them on facebook.  What I posted was what my dad put me through personally.  What I remember clearly…who forgets their dad trying to kill them?  Or all the birthdays passing with not even a phone call?  The broken promises?  How about when his parents and my brother and sister were hit by a drunk driver?  My siblings almost died and both went in for emergency surgery.  He couldn’t even be bothered to see them in the hospital!  Tell me again how wonderful my father is.  When someone tries and tries for many years to form a relationship with their father just to have him refuse you, yeah, it makes a huge impact on a person!  Cindy’s opinions don’t matter.  She doesn’t know me, I don’t know her, but I definitely felt the need to defend what I felt was my right, to post what I want.  The part that bothered me most was that my 3 cousins (2 are her daughters) “liked” the post about my mom.  Now tell me who’s been feeding who crap.

Cindy posted this sticker on my wall after the nasty post about my mom.  The funny thing is, I post about my marriage all the time.  I have called Tom an asshat and even explained my definition of it.  Not once has anyone said anything about posting too much information on facebook.  I’m going to post the conversation we had on that sticker in here.  I’m not trying to welcome drama or anything, but this is something I’d like to keep, and this is where I vent.

Alicia – Cynthia, considering my account is full of my friends and family, even though in some cases, the distance is there, I will vent all I want to.  That is my release.  If people choose to ignore the post, that’s perfectly fine with me.  It’s not a public post for a reason.  Yes, feedback is wonderful!  I love my dad but he’s a fucking asshole Cindy.  It’s not just about back then, it’s from when him and Laurie got together when he played the daddy roll wonderfully while he lived in town and can’t be bothered to pick up the phone and call, or even pick up the phone when I call, stop by when he’s in town, hell I haven’t seen him in 7 years!  I tried to see him when I was there last but do you think the phone got answered when I called?  My mom has made some mistakes, yes.  I know I was raised by Nan and Pop, not my mom or dad.  But, my mom has worked her ass off to reform that relationship we were missing and it’s an amazing one!  No one is perfect, I get that.  But the amount of hurt I feel and have felt in the past caused by my father is something that not even time can heal simply because I have yet to fully give up wanting a relationship with him!  What I judged that post on had NOTHING to do with what anyone has told me but with what I’ve experienced from him personally.
I love you Cindy, but if you can’t stand hearing that kind of thing, I suggest you take me off your friends list because my opinion about my dad and the experiences I’ve went through with him are not going to change!
My family has been my grandparents, aunt Nee, uncle Vin, Daryl, Amanda, mom and Gran and Gramps.  Please explain to me where you fit in in the past 19 years between my mom, dad and I to be placing judgement like you have?
You think your hands are clean Cindy?  I didn’t place judgement on a situation I don’t know or understand, those were my personal experiences.

As for this wall sticker…the only person saying anything is you.
I apologize for this post, but that was bullshit and completely uncalled for!

  • Cynthia – You seem to forget, he may be your dad, but he is uncle to a lot of others who do not feel the way you do. And if you are all about feeling comfortable saying whatever you want and having people read it ten what is the difference for me? There isn’t one. So if you post it, I guess its fair shootin!   Move on Alicia and quit putting yourself in a bad situation. Where is your self respect???

  • Alicia – My self respect?  I should ask you the same thing.  Hmm, I guess I lost that when my dad stopped respecting me.  I agree, Denae, Dallas, Kasey, etc might consider him a wonderful guy!  And that’s great if they do, I’m glad he’s a good uncle but he’s a terrible father, that’s all I’m saying.  I will not “move on” because what I have experienced is up to me to share or not.  You’re also right about everyone being entitled to their opinions, I’m with you on that.  Like I said, that post was about the things dad and I have went through together, personally, nothing that anyone has “fed me.”  No bullshit in there.  Dad is no hero, nor is he a dad…ask any of us 4 kids.  I’m glad he’s an uncle though, maybe that makes up for it.
    Also, I’m in a perfectly fine situation right here where I am, thank you.

  • Cynthia – but all your rants say different Alicia. You are obviously unhappy and searching for something to blame it on.

  • Cynthia – Just don’t pass your negativity on to your kids, its not fair

  • Alicia – Do they now?  I said dad was a terrible dad to all 4 of us, I’m taking your word he’s a great uncle.  I guess that makes up for all the lost years past and to come without talking to his own children right?
    There’s that judgement again.  Obviously I must be unhappy to be unhappy and speak the truth about my own dad.  Yep, that has to be the case.  Or, maybe I’m tired of hurting and feeling like I’ve never been enough for him?  Every birthday gone by that he didn’t call, even though I’d call him on his.  Oh that’s right, he doesn’t know my birthday.
    You have no idea who I am unfortunately and my parenting skills…be careful bringing parenting into the picture Cindy, especially if we’re speaking freely with our opinions.
    Keep making excuses for him though.  You are, after all, closer to him than I am!

Cindy is and always has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember which is what I meant by bringing parenting into the picture.  After bringing my kids into the conversation, she’s lucky I didn’t spill everything I know about her.  She must forget I was there a few times.  But it wasn’t my intention to cause drama, just to get opinions on how to explain things to your child when you have so much hurt caused by that person.
My cousin then posted a status about people airing their dirty laundry on facebook.
It’s horrible.  I mean, if my cousins think so highly f him, than I have no doubts that he’s a good uncle to them.  Why can’t he be a good dad to me?

Lonely + Drama

First of all, my son is still sick.  I took him for his appointment on Tuesday to get the referral to the ENT for the tonsillectomy.  At that time, he was diagnosed with Croup and given a prescription for more Dexamethasone.  Just doesn’t seem to end for him.  He also lost a tooth on Halloween night while he was asleep and ended up swallowing it.  It was his first tooth!  The second, beside it, will be out any day as well.  He turns 6 on the 16th.  I can’t believe how fast they’ve grown.  Tugs at my heart strings!

On the marriage front, there hasn’t been too much arguing or anything.  But there’s a reason for this.  He seems completely oblivious to us, to his surrounding except work.  He gets home, does his own thing, sometimes that’s out cutting wood and then on to the computer to play Minecraft, or straight to the computer, or sometimes he leaves to go to a buddy’s house.  It’s been hard for me, I feel so lonely.  All I do is sit here in my house, not allowed friends, so that’s out of the question.  Put bars on the windows and I have my own personal prison.  He was threatening to cut off the phone and internet (and TV, same bill) but he hasn’t yet.  I don’t drive, I live out of city limits.  This is a prison to me.  I never thought I’d be spending my married life alone.  I thought I would have this marriage with a loving husband, of course with some problems because in my opinion, a marriage isn’t healthy if there are absolutely no problems at all.  I thought we’d be able to communicate our problems to each other and talk about them to help resolve them.  I thought I’d have a happy marriage, but I don’t.  I don’t have any of that.  I have the marriage certificate and a wedding ring that I don’t even wear.  I’ve worn it a few days out of the past, I’d say a good year and a half.  That doesn’t bother him, he doesn’t even notice.  But it’s not like I go out anywhere alone, except to the doctor or dentist, etc.

Where hubby works, there’s also been a lot of drama going on.  He has always told me when someone gets hired and gives me his opinion on them.  Some good, that they’ll make a great addition, some negative, some that I understand why they’re negative after meeting them. :/  We were talking about work a couple days ago and he mentions this girls name.  I asked who she was and he said a girl that started recently in the office.  I figured maybe a couple weeks since I had never heard of her, but she’s been there a good 2 months!  Not only this, but she used to be a stripper, which I’m not holding against her, but I had stripper friends and well, there was nothing monogamous about them to say the least.  This “new” girl is already sleeping with 2 of the married men there and trying to sleep with a friend of mines husband.  Why must women throw their cat around at married men?  Why give them the option?  They’re married, they’ve made a dedicated commitment.  Hubby keeps saying she’s ugly and he doesn’t talk to her, and I do try hard to believe him, though I know he doesn’t think she’s ugly, at least her body.  I’m not hubby’s type.  I’m not skinny.  I’m not obese, but I’m about 30lbs heavier than I’d like to be for my 4’10” frame.  I’m not fat, I’m fluffy.  She is thin, the type of woman he likes.  In fact, when hubby and I met, he told me if I had been 20lbs heavier, he wouldn’t have went out with me.  I was 118lbs then compared to the 135 – 140lbs I can’t seem to get below and keep bouncing to and from.  Makes me insecure.  He’s not attracted to me and that shows in our non existent sex life…our non existent marriage in general.  The fact that he didn’t tell me she was hired has me curious to know if he’s maybe hiding something.  Especially since his sex drive has dropped the past couple months or so.

His work is having a Christmas party next month and I’m honestly afraid of what could happen.  I’m not a violent person.  I admit I used to fight a lot as a teen, but I’ve grown up, I’m also not addicted to drugs anymore like I was back then.  However, when it comes to women sleeping with married men, I take it personally.  My friends slept with my hubby, though he was my boyfriend at the time.  I have never had a boyfriend who hasn’t cheated on me.  Regardless, it’s personal for me when someone comes in and attempts to ruin a happy home with children!  My poor friend there too, she’s having problems in her marriage like hubby and I do and this stupid girl is trying to sleep with her husband.  That is personal for me because she’s my friend.  She doesn’t deserve that, their son doesn’t deserve that!  So the Christmas party, I’m afraid shes going to hit on my friends hubby, or even my hubby and I won’t be able to control my anger.  I’ve been holding a lot of emotion in lately, I feel like a time bomb at this point.  I’m quiet and reserved, laid back for the most part.  I have no problem going with the flow to see how things turn out.  I’m good with finding positives in negative situations.  That’s me, it’s who I am.  Though the positive in this is knowing that perhaps there are a few husbands who’s wives can be freed of their bullshit and move on with their lives before the men bring home an STD or something.  The positive is knowing what the husband has done and being able to walk away from an unhealthy marriage.  On the other hand, would it happen if this girl didn’t try so hard to get together with these married men?

Like I was saying, I’m not violent, I’m quiet, etc.  However, I will not let people walk all over me or any friends I may have, even if I only get to talk to those friends online or at Christmas parties.  I may let hubby walk all over me, it’s a different situation though.  I’m afraid I will at the very least, make a big scene by telling her exactly what I think of her, what she’s doing, and tell her where to go and how to get there.  I’m more afraid I’ll hit her if she does try anything with my husband or my friends husband.  Don’t get me wrong, if they don’t push her away, she would be the last one I dealt with.  She is, after all, just another girl.  These men are married and should be able to control those urges.  If they can’t, that’s not this girls fault or problem.  I’m just worried this is all going to be a bad situation in general.  You know, thinking about it, if it were my husband and he didn’t push her away or something, I don’t think I’d bother doing anything.  I’m not sure my marriage is worth fighting for.  My friend on the other hand, she’s still fighting for hers.  I’m very protective of my friends and family, I can’t help myself.  I hate seeing people hurt!

Psychological Outcomes From Abuse

To start off, I’m going to say it’s 1:30am and here I am awake, as usual.  I have had another bad night with my husband.  We were fighting though he didn’t call me names this time or tell me I’m a useless burden, he still said hurtful words.  It was calm for a bit, no words were spoken.  I broke the silence by asking if he could put the cushions back on the car seats because I was struggling with them.  They have been sitting in the kitchen for weeks now.  He said he was going to give them to a buddy at work.  His reply was that he would get around to it one of these days.  That made me angry, so I was going to put them away.  Somewhere other than in the kitchen at least.  He ended up getting up off the couch (he was laying there while I was cleaning), storming across the floor, taking both car seats and all the cushions and threw it all out the living room window.   Great, now I get to clean them up from my yard too! 😦

Okay, what I wanted to get into though, was emotional/psychological/verbal abuse causing things like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Acute Stress Disorder (or Reaction).
I’ve been reading that it’s not that common, but it does happen.  I was reading what someone who was experiencing PTSD was going through and it started to hit home a bit.  I went to MayoClinic and took a look at the symptom list, which is as follows:

Post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms are generally grouped into three types: intrusive memories, avoidance and numbing, and increased anxiety or emotional arousal (hyperarousal).

Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:

  • Flashbacks, or reliving the traumatic event for minutes or even days at a time
  • Upsetting dreams about the traumatic event

Symptoms of avoidance and emotional numbing may include:

  • Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
  • Feeling emotionally numb
  • Avoiding activities you once enjoyed
  • Hopelessness about the future
  • Memory problems
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Difficulty maintaining close relationships

Symptoms of anxiety and increased emotional arousal may include:

  • Irritability or anger
  • Overwhelming guilt or shame
  • Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Being easily startled or frightened
  • Hearing or seeing things that aren’t there

I have made the symptoms I currently experience are italic.  This is bad.  The flashbacks I get do not last days, but they last long enough to upset me.  It’s not seeing the events in my head, it’s hearing the words spoken to me/screamed at me.  This is one reason I can’t sleep.  I also have nightmares of my children dying…all the time.  I wake up in tears more nights than I don’t.  I think it has something to do with wanting to keep them safe though.  I’ve started sleeping with an Amethyst to ward off the bad dreams, it has been helping, thank Goddess!  The activity thing, well that’s been since the beginning, since he told me I wasn’t allowed friends.  My life was drained I guess.  My memory is shot.  I can barely remember what someone says minutes after they say it.  I mess up making coffee a lot of mornings; no filter, no coffee, no water, etc.  I actually forgot to put the pot back under a few times.  Irritability and anger.  Check!  I’m even irritable with my kids which makes me really upset, and then I feel guilty.  I do my best just to go take a 2 minute breather though.  It helps.  My nerves are also shot.  I am extremely jumpy.  For example, I got scared of a frog yesterday; the tiny little noise beside me.  When hubby comes home from work, when he opens the door, I jump damn near 10 feet.  Even if I know he’s on his way, I still jump.  My heart beats super hard and fast.  It’s terrible.  The hearing things and seeing things has increased.  Please do not think I’m crazy here.  This has been happening since I was a little girl.  Seeing visions and hearing people, having prophetic dreams, etc.  It’s a gift.  (Speaking of which, after dinner the other night, I was thinking to myself that my teeth felt gross and I should brush them.  My son who was still eating at the table turns to me and asks me why I want to brush my teeth!  It runs in the family!)  However, what I’m seeing and hearing is different.  This has been happening since I was young.  I believe since my great grandfather molested me.  More so after a family friend molested me and after my dad tried to kill me. (This is when I ended up in seclusion on the psych ward of the hospital.)  I was tested for Schizophrenia among a number of other things.

I’d also like to add the “When To See A Doctor” bit as well:

It’s normal to have a wide range of feelings and emotions after a traumatic event. You might experience fear and anxiety, a lack of focus, sadness, changes in how well you sleep or how much you eat, or crying spells that catch you off guard. You may have nightmares or be unable to stop thinking about the event. This doesn’t mean you have post-traumatic stress disorder.

But if you have these disturbing thoughts and feelings for more than a month, if they’re severe, or if you feel you’re having trouble getting your life back under control, talk to your health care professional. Getting treatment as soon as possible can help prevent PTSD symptoms from getting worse.

In some cases, post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms may be so severe that you need emergency help, especially if you’re thinking about harming yourself or someone else. If this happens, call 911 or other emergency medical service, or ask a supportive family member or friend for help.



My abusive biological father

I was raised by my grandparents and had the best Daddy in the world.  Both my grandparents passed away in 2006 though, something I struggle with on a daily basis.  That will be a different entry.  It’s time to write about my father.  Hubby and I were actually talking about dads in general last night.  His dad, well he doesn’t know his dad.  He’s never met him, but does know he has half brothers and half sisters.  It’s been tough for him, but I feel he’s lucky to have never met him; to avoid the pain of trying too hard to form and keep a relationship with someone who doesn’t really care.  I could never personally deny my children.  I gave them life sure, but in turn, they gave me life!

As a small with a little brother and a little sister, my dad left.  We watched as he drove away in anger.  This was the best thing that could have happened to my mom though, in my opinion.  My father pushed my mom so hard that she nearly went through the glass balcony door of her apartment.  He pushed her into the bathtub at 6 months pregnant with my sister, causing her to go into labor which they couldn’t stop.  He would make promises to us, tell us he would come this day or that day and never show up.  When he left, that day he drove away, I looked at my mom and asked “Is daddy a fucking asshole?”  She decided to answer honestly and told me yes, sometimes he is.  Little did I know, she meant yes, yes he is, all the time.

When I was 10, my dad lived not far from me.  I’d go and see him and spent a lot of time over there.  I loved his girlfriend’s sons, it was great to have step brothers, or older siblings in general.  I spent more days than I didn’t spending time with my step brother Tommy.  It was just wonderful to have my whole family together in this town.  Then, my dad and his girlfriend moved.  It was a few years later when my dad asked if I’d like to move in with him.  I told him maybe.  Eventually, I did say yes.  They made a trip to come see family, and to come and get me.  The problem was, I had changed my mind.  I couldn’t leave my grandparents.  I was a very bad, rebellious pre-teen and teen, but I knew where home was.  When I told him this over the phone, he blew up.  By that, I mean went completely crazy.  He started yelling at me, calling me names and calling me down, and told me he was going to kill me.

It was a while before I started talking to him again, but I did.  I don’t know why.  Blood is thicker than the tears I had cried I suppose.  Throughout the rest of my teen years up until now at 28 years old, all I’ve wanted is a relationship with my father, but it has proven to be impossible.  He has said so many things, made so many promises; broken all the promises and never stuck to his word.  He lives 8 hours away, so I’d call just to say hi and see how he was doing.  But he told me he wasn’t a phone person.  I only spoke to him every few months or half a year.  He was invited to my wedding in 2005, but he said he wasn’t coming because my half-sister (his daughter) and her mom would be there.  The following year, hubby and I attended his wedding.  For me, I was showing him that I was the bigger person.

Since then, I’ve spoken to him maybe 5 times total.  I speak to his wife more often than I do him.  A few years ago, he told me he would prefer to text, so we text back and for often for a couple of months.  Then he just stopped, and stopped replying.  So one day, I sent him a text telling him exactly how I felt about the whole situation, it wasn’t pretty.  He ended up getting mad at me, telling me that he was not having this conversation right now.  He went off on me about being at his parents house.  Gran was in the hospital for knee surgery.  They’re in their 80’s.  He said they’re getting old, etc and that they’re going to die soon.  I told him I understood that because I lost my parents in 2006!  Hell, when my grandpa was dying, he asked “How is your dad doing?”  He knows he’s never been my Dad.  I haven’t spoken to him since that text, he won’t even reply.

Now for me, regardless of all the hurt he’s caused me, I still have this longing to be his daughter.  I still hurt so deeply every time I don’t hear anything back, every time my birthday goes by and I hear nothing (he doesn’t know my birthday), the fact that when he comes to town, he can’t stop by for even two minutes.  It hurts me, a lot.  Why do I keep trying?  Why can’t I just push this man out of my life, out of my heart and far away from my emotions?  He doesn’t want anything to do with me anyway!  Yet I sit here and hurt, and hope that one day he’ll decided he wants to be my dad.  I’ve never been good enough for him…my first wrong in his eyes was being female.  He wanted a son.  It hasn’t stopped since then.  He actually made me give him a car (a ’66 Comet) I got as a wedding present from my grandpa, he made me give it to him.  He went off about how it was technically his and to do the right thing and to not cause drama.  So I said fine, and gave him the car.  Even though my grandpa had already passed away.  I was so beyond hurt he even brought it up!  They live in a huge house and have many old classic muscle cars, and new cars, etc.  I have a house that’s falling apart, and not even one running vehicle right now, no classic cars.  How could he be so selfish?

It Hurts Tonight

I’m feeling very hurt tonight.  It’s been a long, long time since I’ve felt wanted, loved, even respected in this marriage and tonight, it’s really bothering me.  It wasn’t necessarily a bad day, but he woke up, he went outside to work on the vehicles, went to his buddy’s house and spent a few hours there.  He came home to work on a different vehicle, than had a shower, played solitaire on his phone, then passed out on the couch.  He then got mad at me for asking him to move to the bed.  I have a pet peeve of people sleeping on couches, not sure why.  I guess in a way, he works 8am until 6pm or so Monday to Friday, then he’s usually outside or not home and by the time he comes home, he either has a shower and passes out, or just passes out.  So to see him sleeping on the couch, it pisses me off in a way because I think we should have just a little time to spend together a day.  But it doesn’t matter to him.  I’m invisible to him unless I haven’t done whatever he’s asked me to do, or what he expects me to do.  It hurts.  It hurts a lot, all the time.

What makes it worse is that I try to talk to him.  I try to talk calmly and simply and smile while I’m talking at times, just try to make it as much of a civilized conversation as possible, but he blows it out of proportion.  I always say something that somehow offends him and he gets mad at me.  He did manage to tell me that the words he says (calling me a burden for example) is out of anger.  He said this while getting mad at me for bringing up what he’s said in the past. (like calling me a burden)  The thing with that kind of stuff is that it still hurts me.  I don’t care if he meant it or not, he’s my husband.  I trust the words that come out of his mouth.  Or some of them now, but things like that, they stick.  They open a new wound, plus peel the scabs off old wounds that have yet to heal simply because he has never given me the chance to resolve them.  I think at this point, there’s been too much said in the 14 years to have a conversation and get over everything.  I look at him and I can predict how the conversation will go.  I avoid certain topics because I’m not up for the argument.  Or I try to talk about things but always end up being the bad guy.  I just don’t understand it!

He’s always so distant and cold until I voice that I want to leave.  Then his attitude is different; he loves me, he hugs me, he holds me, he’s nice…  It’s all just a game to him.  It’s the “cycle of abuse” that I’ve been learning about.  Regardless, I like that guy.  That sweet guy who has a heart.  I’m so happy during that time; it’s too bad it only lasts about a week or two.  Actually, after that last big fight, it was great between us.  He was that sweet guy, but since then, it slowly starts to wear off and his true colors come into action.  I again see that man who I despise.  I see the reasons I wanted to leave in the first place and of course, the feelings and words spoken in the past arise in my head.  I wish he would leave me.  Just walk away.  It would make it an easy choice for me to leave simply because I wouldn’t have one!

I hurt tonight because I know what I need to do.  I’ve known for years.  I’m angry at myself for not being strong enough to do it.  I feel like a failure to keep my children in this situation.  I feel like a failure in general.  I don’t know who I am, I don’t have any friends, my family lives 8 hours away, I don’t drive, and I don’t work.  What am I?  Oh that’s right.  Over the years, I’ve turned into a verbal and emotional punching bag for him to use as he pleases.  I have nothing, I own nothing, if it weren’t for my kids, I’d be alone in this world.  Sometimes I wish I were more materialistic like he is, maybe I could see things from his point of view.  It’s too bad he can’t be more, what is the word I’m looking for here…human?  I’m tempted to use human.  I just wish he could have a heart.  Why did he marry me if he honestly doesn’t care about me, the way I feel, or when I’m hurting?  Why doesn’t he care?

Marriage and relationships are about compromise.  I have compromised so much to be with him.  I’ve given up everything to be with him.  I’ve given up my friends, I’ve given up any self-confidence and self-worth I had and I had a lot!  I was the one who always had her head up high.  On that note, I’ve also given up myself as a person.  I’ve been too busy struggle through the hurt and trying to mould myself into who he thinks I should be, which in my opinion is a stepford wife, that it’s been years, many years since I was that girl with the confidence and worth.

It hurts tonight.