Counseling & abuse effects on children – Advice Please!

After a week of calling twice and having them tell me they’d return my call, I finally heard back from the Community Counseling Center.  Tom and I have been trying to get in with them since the beginning of the month!  We were originally going to go with a licensed professional, but at $100 plus taxes every week, we just can’t afford that.  Plus I wanted individual counseling as well.  We’ve been struggling financial as is and as importnant as I feel it is, it just wasn’t a possibility at this time.  I ended up calling the Northern Heath board and asking if they could point me in the right direction for free or cheap marriage counseling and she told me to call the Community Counseling Center.  This is run the the UNBC (University of Northern British Columbia) and is psychology students.  We’re both okay with that!  The students need to learn and we need the help.  It’s $10 per 1 hour session.  It’s a good start regardless in my opinion, and we have our intake appointments on Thursday next week.

I had recieved a call from my sons school on Wednesday.  I thought it was to confirm our meeting on Thursday but she said she wanted to talk about Adam and that she was concerned.  He has a weather and calendar booklet in his desk.  It’s a stapled together paper book and he doodles on it.  His teacher took a look at it on Wednesday and noticed some disturbing drawings.  I’ll also mention at home, adam doesn’t draw or colour what so ever, so to hear that he was doodling was quite a shock all on its own!

Here’s the picture:


I hope you can make out the drawings.  There are a bunch of hearts crossed out, a broken heart, a tear drop and when asked about the drawing in the bottom left corner, he explained that it’s the gun  he used to commit suicide and that’s his grave.
The school psychologist was at the meeting yesterday who said it isn’t normal for kids his age (8) to know what death is and what not.  He does though.  We’ve had some people pass away as well as some animals.  In order to help him cope, I told him Heaven and Rainbow Bridge is where our souls go until we’re all back together again.  That it’s never goodbye, it’s just see you later.  And that helped him, both my kids.  Not only this, but my mom is on the transplant list for lungs.  If something were to happen to her, I need him to have that belief that it’s only a temporary goodbye.  They are too young and innocent to believe anything else.  as for knowing about suicide and what not, he watches a lot of youtube which now has a filter on it, as does the entire computer.

So when he got home from school Wednesday, I had Grace play in the livingroom and I spoke to Adam in private.  He said he’s in pain all the time; his brain, his hands…  I asked if it had anything to do with his favorite song Pain by Three Days Grace.  He said no but that ever since he heard it, he’s always in pain.  Okay, possibly fabricated a little bit.  But then I asked about the broken hearts and he got a bit teary and said “I hate the way Hun blames you for everything.”  Yes, they caught on to calling him hun, because I do.  I’ve tried to get them to call him dad, doesn’t work.  I asked about the arguing and what not and he said that makes him want to commit suicide and go to Heaven.

I can’t help but feel responsible.  That by feeling so stuck and trapped and unable to leave in the past, that I stayed with all the emotional, mental and verbal abuse and the kids were around it, that I’ve fucked up my children for lack of better words.  They heard and saw so much go on, they felt so much!  Tom was driving them to school the other day and they were blaming him for everything.  I can’t say it was all him, I’m no where near perfect myself, but they see what they see.  He would come home and as soon as he’d walk through the door, was angry at me.  Or he wouldn’t come home until late and those nights, all the kids wanted was to say goodnight to him.  But he’d be too busy out drinking and they’d cry and ask why he didn’t love them.  I’d have to explain that he was just going through some things…  Always made excuses for him but I think it’s important for the kids.  Too young for grown up problems.

There was just so so much that they were there for and now, I’m not sure what to do!
I could sure use some advice right now!


Catching up on the past month

My last posts were about my grandparents birthdays.  I meant to post about my grandpas passing on November 24th, but the depression kicked into high gear, unfortunately.  I become very anti-social around November and December because of the heartache I continue to feel from losing them.  Christmas was my grandmas favorite holiday, it’s still very hard for me but I do the best I can to make it wonderful for my kids.  They deserve at least an amazing Christmas!   Of course, hubby had to turn it all to crap.  It’s what he does.  I’m not sure what he was so angry about, but he ended up telling my little guy that he didn’t care when Adam was trying to talk to him.  I ended up whispering “some fucking father you are” thinking the kids couldn’t hear me through the music in the car and the muffler noise (wonderful roads here tore it off, along with the bumper of the car!), Adam turned and said “yeah, some fucking dad you are.”  I know it’s terrible of me, but I burst out laughing.  Tom made a threat saying something about tearing a strip off him had he known what he said, the thing is, Adam may have a bad speech problem, but he knows what the words mean.
Before Christmas, Adam accidently knelt on my tablet he was using and cracked the LCD screen inside.  I have no picture on it at all.  I have yet to tell Tom.  I figure when I do, I’ll be blaming it on myself to save Adam from the shit storm.  He doesn’t deserve it, it was an accident, he told me right away and apologized numerous times.  He honestly felt terrible.  Tom won’t see it that way though.  He says he can’t own anything nice because the kids ruin everything.  It’s heartbreaking.  He shouldn’t have been a dad…shouldn’t be a dad.  I don’t regret my kids, but I regret who I had them with.

The kids had a decent Christmas.  Unfortunately, we all had the flu.  It started with Gracie, moved to Adam, then to me, and then to Tom.  Once we were better, Tom ended up getting it again, and then I got it again.  It was just a 24 hour flu, but the second time I got it, it lasted nearly a week.  I was worried though because the Norwalk virus and H1N1 have been spreading like wild fire lately.  H1N1 has over 30 people on ventilators from what I’ve read, and has killed 10 people in this province already.  H1N1 is especially dangerous to those with lung problems such as myself and my asthma.  It’s scary for me to think of getting a flu that could take me away from my kids and leave them with Tom.  It’s not an option for me.  I’ve been sanitizing my house like a mad woman.

December 31st marked 4 years since the passing of my 23 year old cousin Felicia.  Felicia was an amazing person with the most beautiful soul.  She had developed brain cancer in her chest as a teen.  She was in remission twice prior to relapsing the third time which eventually killed her.  Too young.

Adam is failing grade 1.  For this, I partially blame his teacher.  She can’t understand him with his speech problems.  He had gotten bullied in the bathroom one day; a couple kids told him “no Adams allowed” and that he wasn’t allowed to pee.  He threw his coat at them after they were wiping him with their coats and Adam was the one who got in trouble.  Oh, talk about an angry mama!  His teacher has been telling me he isn’t doing much work at school.  Monday, he brought work home.  As I looked it over, I noticed he was doing the work but in the wrong places, wrong order, etc.  Adam said he did ask her for help, but she couldn’t understand him.  It’s so sad to hear that.  As teachers, they should know better than to just leave a 6 year old to suffer like that not being understood.  The one day, he felt sick.  No one could understand him so they just pushed him throughout the day.  He had tonsillitis.  I’m just not happy with his teacher at all!  Because he’s failing, they’re definitely going to want to hold him back.  They wanted to in kindergarten too, but he started to do better.  If he is held back, he’ll again be in Mrs Bymans class not being understood and obviously continuing to fail.  I’m not about to let that happen.  So, I’m thinking of home schooling him next year.  He does his work perfectly fine at home for me, but then again, I understand his jibberish.  I don’t like the fact that he’ll be away from his friends.  I feel school is where they learn most of their social skills and what not.  However, at this point, I need to work on his education…you know, his future.  I won’t home school him forever, just until he’s ready to be put back in school.  I want to give him a fair shot at this.  I know what I went through in elementary school, not getting the help I need and why I dropped out (after getting expelled) in the middle of grade 8.  That is a future I do not want for my son and I will do anything I have to to make sure it won’t be his future!

Speaking of tonsillitis, Adam had his appointment with the ENT.  He’s going to go ahead and give him a tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy.  He did leave the choice up to me though, I chose yes.  Considering he ended up admitted to pediatrics last time, I want to get rid of the problem.  Also, they tend not to remove tonsils in adults.  My brother is proof of this.  He’s had tonsillitis so often that he’s immune to antibiotics and they won’t remove his tonsils.  That is something else that’s not an option.  I will not leave him to suffer like that.  Take those things out and be done with it.

On another note, I just made a doctors appointment for myself today.  It normally takes about 2 weeks to get in to see him, but she said I need to come in tomorrow only because she had no room to squeeze me in today.  I have silicone breast implants.  I had my breast augmentation in February 2009 after having my kids and going from a D/DD to barely filling an A cup.  I have noticed some shooting pains here and there for the past year or so, but figured since I tend to get breast cysts and also because I lost sensation from nipple down in both breasts, it was normal pain.  Apparently my silicone implant may have ruptured.  Once silicone gets to your lungs or lymph nodes, there’s no removing it from those places.  This could be a very bad thing and of course, I’m a bit nervous now.  I will keep the updates coming on that.  I’m also worried that if that is the case and I have to have that implant removed, I don’t have money to get it replaced.  I’m a 34G/H, can you imagine how that will look?  Health first of course, but I’m worried about a few different things with this.  Positive vibes needed please!

Also would like to ask for prayers, love and light to be sent to a friend of mine who has recently found to have abnormalities in the tissue in her breast, has had a biopsy and is awaiting the results.
Please send her healing thoughts!

Tom has been so confusing these days.  One day he loves me, the next, I’m his worst enemy and can’t do anything right.  This last episode of “I hate you’s” started Monday.  He came home from work talking about Crissy.  Crissy is the ex stripper who works there who’s sleeping with 3 married men who also work there.  She’s trying to sleep with my friends husband as well.  So he comes home telling me about how short her skirt is and what not.  I’m tired of hearing about her, she’s all I hear about.  I try not to be a jealous person, but he has cheated on me in the past, what makes an ex stripper less appealing than an average woman?  Since then, he’s been distant, hasn’t wanted to touch me at all or even have a conversation. 😦

I’m late…Happy 70th birthday to Heaven

Nan…  My grandma, my mother.  She was born November 20th, 1943 and passed away in June 2006.  It would’ve been her 70th birthday on the 20th.  My grandpas just passed on the 18th, he passed away November 2006.  My grandma took very good care of me.  My grandpa, or Pop as I used to call him (Nana & Papa), he was the strong one, the disciplinary of the household.  He stood up for what he believed in and though he was tough, because he was such a strong man, he made me feel safe in any situation.  While my grandma, she was soft.  She had a heart of gold.  She was the one who would keep my secrets and give me the emotional support I needed.  Having my grandparents, I suppose was like having parents.  They were my safety net, especially through my pregnancy losses and my marriage.  Since they’ve been gone, it’s been extremely hard for me.  I know I could’ve left this marriage by now had they been here…but, that’s selfish to even think.

My grandma loved Christmas.  It was her favorite holiday.  She would be trying to get the tree up while Pop was telling her to wait until at least December 1st.  She had the most amazing manger and Christmas town all that plugged in.  It was beautiful.  When my grandma passed away, no one even recognized that I too lost my mom.  I didn’t really get to know my mom until I was 13.  I thought she didn’t love me, different story though.  It was tough to see everyone giving their sympathy to my mom, aunt and my uncle.  I just wanted to scream “I lost my parents too!”

I miss her so much.  I miss them both more than words could ever say.  The feeling of loss is still so new, even after 7 years.  What I would give to spend another birthday with them.
This is the last Christmas we spent together, 2005.

Happy 70th birthday Nan.  I love you.


A 72nd birthday wish to Heaven

I’m feeling about a million different things today.  For example, I feel I should have cut my nails prior to starting this post.  They’re so long it’s making typing very hard! lol  In all seriousness though, I’m feeling completely overwhelmed with emotions today.  I can feel it more because both kids are at school today, so I’m home alone.  If you’ve been reading my blog or have read any of the pages at the top, you’ll know that my grandparents raised me from 3 weeks old.  They were my parents up until 2006 when they both passed away.  My grandpa walked me down the aisle and gave me away in 2005.  He passed away November 24th, 2006 from lung cancer and my grandma on June 10th, 2006 after a brain injury.

Today would be my grandpas 72nd birthday.  He was just 65 years old when he passed away.  My grandma was only 62.  I suppose their ages play a roll in why I feel my life is half over at only 28 years old.
I remember sitting with him on his 65th birthday.  He was the kind of man that stayed strong until the end.  He never once wanted to show that he was, in fact, going to die.  He smiled.  He laughed.  He carried on normal conversations.  He also said “I love you” much more often though.  That day, that birthday meant so much to me.  That day was also the last time he ate anything…which was his cake.

Happy 72nd birthday Pop.  I miss you. (This is my mom, grandpa and my nephew Josh, November 18th, 2006, 65th birthday)

While we’re on the topic of dads right now, I’d like to write a little about my actual father.  This summer, my grandparents (my dads parents) have been very ill and have had surgeries.  I had went off on my dad a while back simply because I’m tired of the mind games.  He basically told me he doesn’t have time to deal with me and he hasn’t replied to a single thing I’ve said since.  Including when I text him to ask how Gran and Gramps are doing considering he was there.  He would not answer.  I had to text his wife, who did answer, which is also amazing.  I have tried numerous times to call and text, left messages (Laurie always said to leave a message and she’d call back) and noting, in over a year.  I’m done.  I can’t keep doing this to myself.  So the other day when I say Laurie update her facebook status to something about finally going on their honeymoon to the Riviera, I comment and said “Enjoy” and removed her as a friend.  They can’t even stop by when they’re in town seeing Laurie’s family…so no.  I’m sorry for the language, but I just don’t need that bullshit!  I had my dad.  He’s the one who tucked me in at night, who protected me and fought for my safety.  He’s the one who smacked my butt when I did something wrong, the one who taught me life isn’t about money and material items, it’s about family, love and loyalty.  You can be poor and happy with your family because you have each other, or you can be rich and alone trying to buy friendships and love.  I’d much rather be poor with my family because I won’t lie, I do need someone to lean on at times.  All the times my dad tried to kidnap me when I was little, all the lies, the time he tried to kill me because I didn’t want to live with him, all the heartbreak I felt, the broken promises which lead to empty words, for not even knowing my birthday…or age!  I’ll be honest and say I don’t even wish him the best, I just wish him away.  This will be the first and last time I post a photo of my father and his wife Laurie.  Clearing out the negativity in my life!

dave and laurie
Those are my two big ones currently.  On the 20th, there will be an entry on my grandma as it is her birthday, and another entry on the 24th regarding my grandpa as that will mark 7 years since his passing.  There will be a lot of photos and music.  I’m giving you a heads up so you’re aware of what you’re stepping into.


It never ends!

I’m slacking on my posts.  I’m finding it hard to keep up on my blog with everything, especially dealing with my son!  It was actually his 6th birthday yesterday!  Unfortunately, we were too broke to even get him a birthday present.  That has caused me a lot of guilt inside.  I’m feeling like a horrible parent these days.  Not only because of the lack of birthday presents, but because financially, we’re so far behind, I can’t even afford winter gloves for the kids right now, and we got a good foot of snow the other day; snowing again today as well.  I just feel terrible and very useless as a parent.  I can’t even provide what my children absolutely need.  I’m ashamed.

So my poor little guy was hospitalized not long ago for tonsillitis.  He had a doctor appointment a couple weeks after for a referral to the ENT.  While he was there, the doctor checked his throat and said his tonsils were still swollen and gave him a prescription for another dose of Dexamethasone.  He then proceeded to tell me he also has croup.  So he was again at home from school.  Thursday the 7th, he started complaining his eye was sore.  I figured he had something in it, or it was irritated from the wood stove we have.  Friday, his eye is leaking the puss stuff and dripping clear fluid.  It would roll down his cheek like a tear, drip off and land on his chest.  I went to the pharmacy to get him something for pink eye.  A few days later there was absolutely no improvement, it had spread to both eyes, he was waking up numerous times a night for a warm wet cloth so I could get his eyes unglued together (which would take 1.5 hours per eye sometimes), the eyelids were so swollen they were overlapping the eyelashes!  His eyelids were also very purple.  He looked horrible.  On Monday, I ended up taking him to the ER after that clear fluid that was leaking from his eyes ended up blood leaking from his eyes.  Scariest thing ever to see your child literally crying blood.  The ER doctor gave him an antibiotic ointment which I have to put inside his bottom eyelids, and eye drops to help with the pain and swelling.  Today is day 6 of that and though there’s still some pink, it’s a lot better.

He did miss all last week of school though, plus what he missed when he had croup, plus what he missed with his tonsillitis.  He’s missed nearly a month of school and it’s only the middle of November.  It’s hard to deal with all of this because he’s so far behind with school.  Not necessarily with school, but with learning.  Prior to all this medical stuff, I had a meeting with his teacher who told me at this rate, he will fail.  I am doing everything I can to make sure that doesn’t happen, but it just isn’t enough!  It’s hard trying to teach him without my little girl thinking she knows the answers and what not, they end up trying to play.  Plus all the other stuff, the house, trying to deal with my useless husband, dealing with my own health problems…and dental problems for that matter.  I am just so beyond stressed these days.

Recent Events (A family thing)

Between my husband and I, I don’t have much to report.  It really hasn’t been too terrible at all since I’ve started this blog.  I am however, waiting for the poop to hit the fan.  It’s bound to happen, it always does.
I had started an entry a few days ago, but didn’t get the chance to finish.  My kids brought home a nasty cold from school and for some reason, it kicked my butt.  I’m still fighting it.  It’s mostly in my lungs now, which is hard with Asthma, but I’ll make it.  The entry was going to be about my past and the effects it’s had on me, and still have on me to this day.  I’ll save that for a future entry.  This one is just going to be personal life venting I believe.  I just need a space to get things on paper (so to speak) and out of my head.

My kids go up to my husbands grandparents on the weekends.  It gives me a chance to clean without a Tasmanian devil (or two in my case) going behind me, and also to sleep.  I have insomnia, simply because my brain doesn’t turn off at night.  My whole day and even life flashes through my brain along with many what if’s, hopes, fears, you name it!  On average, it takes me hours to get to sleep.  I’m also a night person, this can be a huge downfall.  Especially when you’re waking up at 6:30am to get your children ready for school.  I literally made a pot of coffee yesterday morning and forgot to put the pot underneath.  So, I had a huge mess all over my counter and my floor…which is carpet.  Wonderful.  Also mixed with the anemia I suffer from which causes fatigue, I’m just exhausted all the time.  Usually nauseated on and off throughout the day as well, more so in the mornings though which I believe is the anemia too.  Nausea is a symptom of low iron.  I’ve tried and tried to avoid the supplements, but it looks like I’m going to have no choice but to start taking them.  In liquid form too because I just can’t swallow pills!

So, the kids walked in the door on Sunday.  My son came over to me, jumped up onto my lap and just held onto me for 20 minutes.  He was sad.  He told me “Nanny smacked me here and here.”  Across both cheeks.  Nanny is my husbands grandma.  Hubby starts telling me that my son had smacked her first, but he was playing when he did it.  Regardless of meaning to smack her or not, you don’t hit kids, especially kids who aren’t yours!  I was furious!  And what made it was is that she is always telling the kids to hit the other one back if one of them hit the other.  Hitting is acceptable in that house, so why start being a hypocrite and smacking my son for doing something she’s been telling him is okay to do!  She was out of line there.  I know the things she lets them do, things I would never let them do and they tell me.  Not only did she smack my son, but she cut 5 inches of hair off my daughters head!  Her hair was almost to her bum!  I was livid!  That’s at least 5 times she’s cut her hair without my consent!  Not once has she even asked for my consent though.  Why would she…I’m just the Mom!

** Girly topics below this point **

I went to see the doctor a couple of weeks ago.  I was given a prescription for pain killers; Naproxen which is apparently very hard on your stomach.  You have to eat with it because it can cause bleeding ulcers and other tummy problems.  I’m afraid to take them.  My stomach feels horrible on a good day, never mind with something that very well may make me sick.  I haven’t come across a pain-killer (prescription, not Advil or Tylenol) that hasn’t made me vomit.  My body is very sensitive to any chemicals.  But I have them in case.   My doctor said it’s safer than taking 6 Advil every hour like I was doing.  Advil thins the blood which is a very bad thing to mix with anemia which also thins the blood.  The Naproxen is for abdominal pain.  I have Endometriosis, multiple ovarian cysts, I’m prone to uterus infections and I have IBS as well.  I have my two children, my girl and my boy.  I don’t plan to have more children, so I’m fighting to have a partial hysterectomy.  My mom had a partial hysterectomy at my current age due to cervical cancer.  They left her ovaries and fallopian tubes so she wouldn’t go through menopause.  I’d like the same procedure done not only to decrease the amount of pain, but also to reduce my chances of cervical cancer.  I have to be honest, it freaks me out a little bit.

I was also given birth control pills.  Not to stop a future pregnancy since hubby had a vasectomy 5 years ago, but to try to get me regular.  This experience was horrible.  If you’ve taken birth control pills, you know you start the day everything stops.  I did, I followed the instructions.  I took this tiny pill for 4 days.  For 4 days, my stomach was in my throat, I was dizzy, tired, my breasts were sore, I had a bad headache; I felt pregnant.  No thank you.  I stopped taking them.  A day later, I started a new cycle.  I will never make this mistake again.  These pills are called Marvelon and where I live, cost $30.  I paid $30 to feel like hell.  Back to the doctor I go.  He had mentioned something called an endometrial ablation.  This is hot water in a balloon which literally burns the inside of the uterus.  This sounds very painful to me.  My mom also had this and it didn’t help her at all, just caused pain.

Okay, tomorrow a post on my past and present and the effects it’s had on me.

Psychological Outcomes From Abuse

To start off, I’m going to say it’s 1:30am and here I am awake, as usual.  I have had another bad night with my husband.  We were fighting though he didn’t call me names this time or tell me I’m a useless burden, he still said hurtful words.  It was calm for a bit, no words were spoken.  I broke the silence by asking if he could put the cushions back on the car seats because I was struggling with them.  They have been sitting in the kitchen for weeks now.  He said he was going to give them to a buddy at work.  His reply was that he would get around to it one of these days.  That made me angry, so I was going to put them away.  Somewhere other than in the kitchen at least.  He ended up getting up off the couch (he was laying there while I was cleaning), storming across the floor, taking both car seats and all the cushions and threw it all out the living room window.   Great, now I get to clean them up from my yard too! 😦

Okay, what I wanted to get into though, was emotional/psychological/verbal abuse causing things like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Acute Stress Disorder (or Reaction).
I’ve been reading that it’s not that common, but it does happen.  I was reading what someone who was experiencing PTSD was going through and it started to hit home a bit.  I went to MayoClinic and took a look at the symptom list, which is as follows:

Post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms are generally grouped into three types: intrusive memories, avoidance and numbing, and increased anxiety or emotional arousal (hyperarousal).

Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:

  • Flashbacks, or reliving the traumatic event for minutes or even days at a time
  • Upsetting dreams about the traumatic event

Symptoms of avoidance and emotional numbing may include:

  • Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
  • Feeling emotionally numb
  • Avoiding activities you once enjoyed
  • Hopelessness about the future
  • Memory problems
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Difficulty maintaining close relationships

Symptoms of anxiety and increased emotional arousal may include:

  • Irritability or anger
  • Overwhelming guilt or shame
  • Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Being easily startled or frightened
  • Hearing or seeing things that aren’t there

I have made the symptoms I currently experience are italic.  This is bad.  The flashbacks I get do not last days, but they last long enough to upset me.  It’s not seeing the events in my head, it’s hearing the words spoken to me/screamed at me.  This is one reason I can’t sleep.  I also have nightmares of my children dying…all the time.  I wake up in tears more nights than I don’t.  I think it has something to do with wanting to keep them safe though.  I’ve started sleeping with an Amethyst to ward off the bad dreams, it has been helping, thank Goddess!  The activity thing, well that’s been since the beginning, since he told me I wasn’t allowed friends.  My life was drained I guess.  My memory is shot.  I can barely remember what someone says minutes after they say it.  I mess up making coffee a lot of mornings; no filter, no coffee, no water, etc.  I actually forgot to put the pot back under a few times.  Irritability and anger.  Check!  I’m even irritable with my kids which makes me really upset, and then I feel guilty.  I do my best just to go take a 2 minute breather though.  It helps.  My nerves are also shot.  I am extremely jumpy.  For example, I got scared of a frog yesterday; the tiny little noise beside me.  When hubby comes home from work, when he opens the door, I jump damn near 10 feet.  Even if I know he’s on his way, I still jump.  My heart beats super hard and fast.  It’s terrible.  The hearing things and seeing things has increased.  Please do not think I’m crazy here.  This has been happening since I was a little girl.  Seeing visions and hearing people, having prophetic dreams, etc.  It’s a gift.  (Speaking of which, after dinner the other night, I was thinking to myself that my teeth felt gross and I should brush them.  My son who was still eating at the table turns to me and asks me why I want to brush my teeth!  It runs in the family!)  However, what I’m seeing and hearing is different.  This has been happening since I was young.  I believe since my great grandfather molested me.  More so after a family friend molested me and after my dad tried to kill me. (This is when I ended up in seclusion on the psych ward of the hospital.)  I was tested for Schizophrenia among a number of other things.

I’d also like to add the “When To See A Doctor” bit as well:

It’s normal to have a wide range of feelings and emotions after a traumatic event. You might experience fear and anxiety, a lack of focus, sadness, changes in how well you sleep or how much you eat, or crying spells that catch you off guard. You may have nightmares or be unable to stop thinking about the event. This doesn’t mean you have post-traumatic stress disorder.

But if you have these disturbing thoughts and feelings for more than a month, if they’re severe, or if you feel you’re having trouble getting your life back under control, talk to your health care professional. Getting treatment as soon as possible can help prevent PTSD symptoms from getting worse.

In some cases, post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms may be so severe that you need emergency help, especially if you’re thinking about harming yourself or someone else. If this happens, call 911 or other emergency medical service, or ask a supportive family member or friend for help.