Counseling & abuse effects on children – Advice Please!

After a week of calling twice and having them tell me they’d return my call, I finally heard back from the Community Counseling Center.  Tom and I have been trying to get in with them since the beginning of the month!  We were originally going to go with a licensed professional, but at $100 plus taxes every week, we just can’t afford that.  Plus I wanted individual counseling as well.  We’ve been struggling financial as is and as importnant as I feel it is, it just wasn’t a possibility at this time.  I ended up calling the Northern Heath board and asking if they could point me in the right direction for free or cheap marriage counseling and she told me to call the Community Counseling Center.  This is run the the UNBC (University of Northern British Columbia) and is psychology students.  We’re both okay with that!  The students need to learn and we need the help.  It’s $10 per 1 hour session.  It’s a good start regardless in my opinion, and we have our intake appointments on Thursday next week.

I had recieved a call from my sons school on Wednesday.  I thought it was to confirm our meeting on Thursday but she said she wanted to talk about Adam and that she was concerned.  He has a weather and calendar booklet in his desk.  It’s a stapled together paper book and he doodles on it.  His teacher took a look at it on Wednesday and noticed some disturbing drawings.  I’ll also mention at home, adam doesn’t draw or colour what so ever, so to hear that he was doodling was quite a shock all on its own!

Here’s the picture:

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I hope you can make out the drawings.  There are a bunch of hearts crossed out, a broken heart, a tear drop and when asked about the drawing in the bottom left corner, he explained that it’s the gun  he used to commit suicide and that’s his grave.
The school psychologist was at the meeting yesterday who said it isn’t normal for kids his age (8) to know what death is and what not.  He does though.  We’ve had some people pass away as well as some animals.  In order to help him cope, I told him Heaven and Rainbow Bridge is where our souls go until we’re all back together again.  That it’s never goodbye, it’s just see you later.  And that helped him, both my kids.  Not only this, but my mom is on the transplant list for lungs.  If something were to happen to her, I need him to have that belief that it’s only a temporary goodbye.  They are too young and innocent to believe anything else.  as for knowing about suicide and what not, he watches a lot of youtube which now has a filter on it, as does the entire computer.

So when he got home from school Wednesday, I had Grace play in the livingroom and I spoke to Adam in private.  He said he’s in pain all the time; his brain, his hands…  I asked if it had anything to do with his favorite song Pain by Three Days Grace.  He said no but that ever since he heard it, he’s always in pain.  Okay, possibly fabricated a little bit.  But then I asked about the broken hearts and he got a bit teary and said “I hate the way Hun blames you for everything.”  Yes, they caught on to calling him hun, because I do.  I’ve tried to get them to call him dad, doesn’t work.  I asked about the arguing and what not and he said that makes him want to commit suicide and go to Heaven.

I can’t help but feel responsible.  That by feeling so stuck and trapped and unable to leave in the past, that I stayed with all the emotional, mental and verbal abuse and the kids were around it, that I’ve fucked up my children for lack of better words.  They heard and saw so much go on, they felt so much!  Tom was driving them to school the other day and they were blaming him for everything.  I can’t say it was all him, I’m no where near perfect myself, but they see what they see.  He would come home and as soon as he’d walk through the door, was angry at me.  Or he wouldn’t come home until late and those nights, all the kids wanted was to say goodnight to him.  But he’d be too busy out drinking and they’d cry and ask why he didn’t love them.  I’d have to explain that he was just going through some things…  Always made excuses for him but I think it’s important for the kids.  Too young for grown up problems.

There was just so so much that they were there for and now, I’m not sure what to do!
I could sure use some advice right now!

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It’s been a year since I last wrote

So much has changed.  I have changed.
In fact, I’m unrecognizable these days, especially to myself.

Let’s start with my very last post regarding breast cancer.
I went in to see the specialist who said it was nothing.  Strangest thing.  It didn’t show up on the ultrasound or anything, yet you could feel them with your fingers.  I still can; they’re still there.  I’m keeping an eye on them just in case they start to get bigger.  Cancer scares me a bit given my family history and the people I’ve lost to it.

It was a tough year last year.  Tom and I went through a lot.  Though it was slightly better where we were staying, it was still very tough.  We had our 10th wedding anniversary on August 6th.  We had dinner reservations, a hotel booked and planned to go to a movie.  His cousin was getting married the weekend we had that planned, of course we went.  I brought my camera to get some extra experience.  Unfortunately, Tom ended up drunk.  We had to stay at his other cousins house after he wanted to drive home drunk with the kids in the car.  That was obviously not okay with me!  So that hurt to say the least.

We moved into an apartment the 1st of October.  Shortly after that, I met a lady who lived on the bottom floor with her 3 sons.  We have become very good friends, as are our children.  I started to spend a lot of time with her and then it was like the fog cleared from my brain and I was finally able to see what exactly Tom had been doing to me over the past 16 years.  All the words, the actions, the control, the gas lighting, etc.  It was having a strong, confident friend that made me realize he was treating me like I was worthless.

I got angry.  By angry, I don’t mean yell about it and take some time to breathe.  I mean angry like treating him like complete shit, not staying home and simply not caring at all about his wants and needs.  At this point, he started changing his ways and is who I needed him to be when we started this relationship.  He’s caring, he listens, he’s helpful, thoughtful, etc.  But regardless of all this, I couldn’t help but be that angry with him.  How could he do that to me?  How dare he show our kids that that was a normal, healthy marriage?!

The end of October, I started talking to another man.  We had met by showing him and his girlfriend our house that we’re selling.
Anyway, it was just friends.  We had coffee a couple times.  We spoke all the time though.  All the time as in from about 8am to anywhere between 2-4pm on and off while he was at work, 5 days a week.  We formed quite the friendship and of course, feelings formed there.  More strongly for me than for him.  He says he cares about me more than he should, but I think I might have fallen for him a little bit.  Which was never my intention.

We last spoke at the end of December, and it was heartbreaking.  I can’t believe how sad I was to have lost someone who wasn’t mine to begin with!  We hadn’t spoken since the end of November but closer to Christmas, we spoke for 2 days.  The last day, he had text me and we talked about our feelings and how we needed to stop.
The next day, Tom went into my phone and saw texts between him and I.  I will not get into detail about what things he read, but it was enough to give him the thought that I was sleeping with the other guy.

He kept saying he doesn’t want to lose me and he wants to make it work.  It actually felt good to see him fall apart on the kitchen floor.  I know that sounds completely bitchy, but it showed me that he really did care about me.  Rather than kicking me out, he dropped and cried and even hugged me as he cried hard.  I feel like I at least owe him the chance for us to right our wrongs.

My problem is that I honestly don’t know if I can get over the past.  And now he doesn’t trust me.  He goes through my facebook, my texts, the call display on the phone, etc.  He doesn’t want me going out with anyone which triggers memories of the past.  He’s so clingy now too.  It’s like he needs to have a hand on me at all times; my knee, hand, something.  I’m used to getting the cold shoulder, for years, so now I feel smothered.

I’m just not sure how to deal with all this.  I can tell you one thing, I’m never going to be that weak person I was before.  He may not like me going out but I’m not about to be his prisoner again.  If I didn’t want to try, I wouldn’t have stayed!  I also still care about the other guy and I have no idea how to turn off those emotions.  Don’t really want to say much about him.  He has a girlfriend, we said we wouldn’t leave our spouses for each other, especially considering this was all accidental to begin with.  Besides, if I were to leave, it would be to be on my own, not to jump into another relationship.

I’m trying really hard to figure out who I am, get to know myself because I don’t.  I’ve been too busy trying to be who Tom wants me to be that I’ve completely lost myself.

We’re moving at the end of the month.  This apartment is just too small for the 4 of us.  It’s supposed to be our new start.  We’ll see how this goes I guess.
We’re both going to start individual counselling, and move to marriage counselling after that.
Besides that, I’m going to go back to school!

Child abuse….

I received a phone call today from my sister who was livid and not knowing what to do.  Her son is going to be 7 next month and her and the father take turns with my nephew weekly.  This week was the fathers turn.  His girlfriend had appointments and asked my sister to pick him up from school, which she did.  Then she noticed bruises around his neck.  When asked, he told her the fathers girlfriend did it and has been pushing him around, physically.

She said she couldn’t get a hold of the social worker, I told her to call the cops!  She asked if she could do that!  It’s physical abuse, it’s child abuse, yes, you can do that!

I’m outraged right now!!  My kids are supposed to be spending the weekend at my sisters with my nephew, maybe it will help him feel like the kid he’s supposed to feel like at his age.  I told her not to let him go back there.  The social worker and/or police had better do something about this!  They were supposed to investigate the father after my nephew told the social worker “bad things are happening at my dads house.”  But he wouldn’t tell anyone except the social worker.  So at court, he said he lied about it.  Obviously he wasn’t.  I can just imagine the crap she’s been feeding to that poor kid to scare him the way he is!!

So angry right now!

Not all blood is family! (drama entry)

I apologize for the lack of entries lately.  I’ve been fighting a bad chest cold for 3 weeks now, just can’t seem to get rid of it.  Mixed with my asthma, it’s been hell!  Also, this is full of drama, a heads up in advance.

Today, I’d like to talk about family.  My little girl and I were going through pictures the other day and we came across a picture of my uncle Bill and my dad at his wedding, the wedding I attended even after he refused to attend mine because my half sisters mom was going to be there.  My half sister was part of the wedding party.  Anyway, Gracie asked me why I don’t talk to my dad.  I told her the truth.  My dad wasn’t a good dad, isn’t a good dad, he doesn’t want to be my dad and I left it at that.  I posted on facebook something on the lines of “Grace asked me why I don’t talk to my dad.  How to you explain to an almost 6 year old that your dad threatened to kill you and tried to find you when you were little?”  I did get some comments, some said they understood, that they’d went through it too, others said they were sorry, some gave me some advice.  I appreciated it.  And then my aunt Cindy had to voice her opinion.  Cindy and I don’t know each other well at all.  My dads side of the family didn’t attend my wedding, we don’t talk much, etc.  It was only his parents and one of my cousins who attended the wedding.  It’s fine though.

So Cindy starts going off cursing saying something about how my mom has fed me crap about my dad and that it was her who was a bad mom.  Yes, my mom had a drug problem when my brother, sister and I were little.  She doesn’t deny that at all.  The fact that she sent my brother and sister to live with my grandparents and I so she could go detox was a big step on her part.  It made her a better person obviously.  The will power to know that you’re messing up, regardless of the addiction, takes an amazing amount of strength.  I admire my mom for that!  My mom saw that post before I did, called and was very angry.  She asked me to delete the whole thing, which I did out of respect for her.  Not before I replied to Cindy though.  I pretty much told her that I wasn’t fed anything.  Sure, I’ve heard stories about when I was little, but I haven’t said anything about them on facebook.  What I posted was what my dad put me through personally.  What I remember clearly…who forgets their dad trying to kill them?  Or all the birthdays passing with not even a phone call?  The broken promises?  How about when his parents and my brother and sister were hit by a drunk driver?  My siblings almost died and both went in for emergency surgery.  He couldn’t even be bothered to see them in the hospital!  Tell me again how wonderful my father is.  When someone tries and tries for many years to form a relationship with their father just to have him refuse you, yeah, it makes a huge impact on a person!  Cindy’s opinions don’t matter.  She doesn’t know me, I don’t know her, but I definitely felt the need to defend what I felt was my right, to post what I want.  The part that bothered me most was that my 3 cousins (2 are her daughters) “liked” the post about my mom.  Now tell me who’s been feeding who crap.

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Cindy posted this sticker on my wall after the nasty post about my mom.  The funny thing is, I post about my marriage all the time.  I have called Tom an asshat and even explained my definition of it.  Not once has anyone said anything about posting too much information on facebook.  I’m going to post the conversation we had on that sticker in here.  I’m not trying to welcome drama or anything, but this is something I’d like to keep, and this is where I vent.

Alicia – Cynthia, considering my account is full of my friends and family, even though in some cases, the distance is there, I will vent all I want to.  That is my release.  If people choose to ignore the post, that’s perfectly fine with me.  It’s not a public post for a reason.  Yes, feedback is wonderful!  I love my dad but he’s a fucking asshole Cindy.  It’s not just about back then, it’s from when him and Laurie got together when he played the daddy roll wonderfully while he lived in town and can’t be bothered to pick up the phone and call, or even pick up the phone when I call, stop by when he’s in town, hell I haven’t seen him in 7 years!  I tried to see him when I was there last but do you think the phone got answered when I called?  My mom has made some mistakes, yes.  I know I was raised by Nan and Pop, not my mom or dad.  But, my mom has worked her ass off to reform that relationship we were missing and it’s an amazing one!  No one is perfect, I get that.  But the amount of hurt I feel and have felt in the past caused by my father is something that not even time can heal simply because I have yet to fully give up wanting a relationship with him!  What I judged that post on had NOTHING to do with what anyone has told me but with what I’ve experienced from him personally.
I love you Cindy, but if you can’t stand hearing that kind of thing, I suggest you take me off your friends list because my opinion about my dad and the experiences I’ve went through with him are not going to change!
My family has been my grandparents, aunt Nee, uncle Vin, Daryl, Amanda, mom and Gran and Gramps.  Please explain to me where you fit in in the past 19 years between my mom, dad and I to be placing judgement like you have?
You think your hands are clean Cindy?  I didn’t place judgement on a situation I don’t know or understand, those were my personal experiences.

As for this wall sticker…the only person saying anything is you.
I apologize for this post, but that was bullshit and completely uncalled for!

  • Cynthia – You seem to forget, he may be your dad, but he is uncle to a lot of others who do not feel the way you do. And if you are all about feeling comfortable saying whatever you want and having people read it ten what is the difference for me? There isn’t one. So if you post it, I guess its fair shootin!   Move on Alicia and quit putting yourself in a bad situation. Where is your self respect???

  • Alicia – My self respect?  I should ask you the same thing.  Hmm, I guess I lost that when my dad stopped respecting me.  I agree, Denae, Dallas, Kasey, etc might consider him a wonderful guy!  And that’s great if they do, I’m glad he’s a good uncle but he’s a terrible father, that’s all I’m saying.  I will not “move on” because what I have experienced is up to me to share or not.  You’re also right about everyone being entitled to their opinions, I’m with you on that.  Like I said, that post was about the things dad and I have went through together, personally, nothing that anyone has “fed me.”  No bullshit in there.  Dad is no hero, nor is he a dad…ask any of us 4 kids.  I’m glad he’s an uncle though, maybe that makes up for it.
    Also, I’m in a perfectly fine situation right here where I am, thank you.

  • Cynthia – but all your rants say different Alicia. You are obviously unhappy and searching for something to blame it on.

  • Cynthia – Just don’t pass your negativity on to your kids, its not fair

  • Alicia – Do they now?  I said dad was a terrible dad to all 4 of us, I’m taking your word he’s a great uncle.  I guess that makes up for all the lost years past and to come without talking to his own children right?
    There’s that judgement again.  Obviously I must be unhappy to be unhappy and speak the truth about my own dad.  Yep, that has to be the case.  Or, maybe I’m tired of hurting and feeling like I’ve never been enough for him?  Every birthday gone by that he didn’t call, even though I’d call him on his.  Oh that’s right, he doesn’t know my birthday.
    You have no idea who I am unfortunately and my parenting skills…be careful bringing parenting into the picture Cindy, especially if we’re speaking freely with our opinions.
    Keep making excuses for him though.  You are, after all, closer to him than I am!

Cindy is and always has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember which is what I meant by bringing parenting into the picture.  After bringing my kids into the conversation, she’s lucky I didn’t spill everything I know about her.  She must forget I was there a few times.  But it wasn’t my intention to cause drama, just to get opinions on how to explain things to your child when you have so much hurt caused by that person.
My cousin then posted a status about people airing their dirty laundry on facebook.
It’s horrible.  I mean, if my cousins think so highly f him, than I have no doubts that he’s a good uncle to them.  Why can’t he be a good dad to me?

I’m late…Happy 70th birthday to Heaven

Nan…  My grandma, my mother.  She was born November 20th, 1943 and passed away in June 2006.  It would’ve been her 70th birthday on the 20th.  My grandpas just passed on the 18th, he passed away November 2006.  My grandma took very good care of me.  My grandpa, or Pop as I used to call him (Nana & Papa), he was the strong one, the disciplinary of the household.  He stood up for what he believed in and though he was tough, because he was such a strong man, he made me feel safe in any situation.  While my grandma, she was soft.  She had a heart of gold.  She was the one who would keep my secrets and give me the emotional support I needed.  Having my grandparents, I suppose was like having parents.  They were my safety net, especially through my pregnancy losses and my marriage.  Since they’ve been gone, it’s been extremely hard for me.  I know I could’ve left this marriage by now had they been here…but, that’s selfish to even think.

My grandma loved Christmas.  It was her favorite holiday.  She would be trying to get the tree up while Pop was telling her to wait until at least December 1st.  She had the most amazing manger and Christmas town all that plugged in.  It was beautiful.  When my grandma passed away, no one even recognized that I too lost my mom.  I didn’t really get to know my mom until I was 13.  I thought she didn’t love me, different story though.  It was tough to see everyone giving their sympathy to my mom, aunt and my uncle.  I just wanted to scream “I lost my parents too!”

I miss her so much.  I miss them both more than words could ever say.  The feeling of loss is still so new, even after 7 years.  What I would give to spend another birthday with them.
This is the last Christmas we spent together, 2005.

Happy 70th birthday Nan.  I love you.

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A 72nd birthday wish to Heaven

I’m feeling about a million different things today.  For example, I feel I should have cut my nails prior to starting this post.  They’re so long it’s making typing very hard! lol  In all seriousness though, I’m feeling completely overwhelmed with emotions today.  I can feel it more because both kids are at school today, so I’m home alone.  If you’ve been reading my blog or have read any of the pages at the top, you’ll know that my grandparents raised me from 3 weeks old.  They were my parents up until 2006 when they both passed away.  My grandpa walked me down the aisle and gave me away in 2005.  He passed away November 24th, 2006 from lung cancer and my grandma on June 10th, 2006 after a brain injury.

Today would be my grandpas 72nd birthday.  He was just 65 years old when he passed away.  My grandma was only 62.  I suppose their ages play a roll in why I feel my life is half over at only 28 years old.
I remember sitting with him on his 65th birthday.  He was the kind of man that stayed strong until the end.  He never once wanted to show that he was, in fact, going to die.  He smiled.  He laughed.  He carried on normal conversations.  He also said “I love you” much more often though.  That day, that birthday meant so much to me.  That day was also the last time he ate anything…which was his cake.

Happy 72nd birthday Pop.  I miss you. (This is my mom, grandpa and my nephew Josh, November 18th, 2006, 65th birthday)

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While we’re on the topic of dads right now, I’d like to write a little about my actual father.  This summer, my grandparents (my dads parents) have been very ill and have had surgeries.  I had went off on my dad a while back simply because I’m tired of the mind games.  He basically told me he doesn’t have time to deal with me and he hasn’t replied to a single thing I’ve said since.  Including when I text him to ask how Gran and Gramps are doing considering he was there.  He would not answer.  I had to text his wife, who did answer, which is also amazing.  I have tried numerous times to call and text, left messages (Laurie always said to leave a message and she’d call back) and noting, in over a year.  I’m done.  I can’t keep doing this to myself.  So the other day when I say Laurie update her facebook status to something about finally going on their honeymoon to the Riviera, I comment and said “Enjoy” and removed her as a friend.  They can’t even stop by when they’re in town seeing Laurie’s family…so no.  I’m sorry for the language, but I just don’t need that bullshit!  I had my dad.  He’s the one who tucked me in at night, who protected me and fought for my safety.  He’s the one who smacked my butt when I did something wrong, the one who taught me life isn’t about money and material items, it’s about family, love and loyalty.  You can be poor and happy with your family because you have each other, or you can be rich and alone trying to buy friendships and love.  I’d much rather be poor with my family because I won’t lie, I do need someone to lean on at times.  All the times my dad tried to kidnap me when I was little, all the lies, the time he tried to kill me because I didn’t want to live with him, all the heartbreak I felt, the broken promises which lead to empty words, for not even knowing my birthday…or age!  I’ll be honest and say I don’t even wish him the best, I just wish him away.  This will be the first and last time I post a photo of my father and his wife Laurie.  Clearing out the negativity in my life!

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Those are my two big ones currently.  On the 20th, there will be an entry on my grandma as it is her birthday, and another entry on the 24th regarding my grandpa as that will mark 7 years since his passing.  There will be a lot of photos and music.  I’m giving you a heads up so you’re aware of what you’re stepping into.

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Answering A Question Regarding My Abuser…My Husband

I have a couple of things to write about tonight. 🙂

A Group Application

I applied to join a private group on a website today.  This group is based around domestic abuse and offer a lot of support.  However, I hadn’t done anything with my privacy settings, so everything was public. (I did fix this issue)  The Admin sent me a message though asking why I wasn’t afraid of my husband or his family finding my blogs and posts.  Honestly, I just didn’t know to change the settings on that site.  However, my blogs (this one and the one at the top “The Girl In The Mirror”) are public.  I didn’t even think about him or his family finding anything.  It just didn’t even phase me.  Creating these blogs were for me, a coping mechanism and a place to vent.  Writing helps me and is a wonderful release for me.  For once I was only thinking about myself and not him.  I did think about making the blogs private for a few minutes, but my husband is computer illiterate, thankfully, and his family that he does have, they’re amazing people.  I’ve even spoken to a couple of them about my current situation.  Not in as much detail as I do here, but in some detail.  It’s only his aunt who uses the computer, and she only uses facebook, and only through her cell phone.  She’s also one of his family members I have spoken to.  No, I do not fear that he will find out.  Not only this, but everything I write in here, well it’s nothing that he doesn’t already know.  If he had been listening, he would know the exact emotions I’m feeling and have felt for years now.  He does know that I’m not happy here and does know I want to leave.  We have been down this road so many times though (me preparing to leave, but end up staying) that he doesn’t believe me.  It’s not that I just give in and decide I have nowhere to go, it’s the “honeymoon phase” of it that sucks me back in.  I am so deeply in love with that person.

Not only this, but I want to keep my blogs, my twitter, my instagram, and my facebook page for this blog public (for the most part) simply because I know for a fact there are many other women and girls who are going through this thinking they’re absolutely alone.  I know because I was one of them.  If I can help someone, even just one person, escape their abuser, than I would be forever thankful for having the chance to voice my experiences.  I am not ashamed of what’s going on, and my husband is not physically abusive.  I do not fear for my safety…sanity maybe, but not safety.  I’m quite aware this could change at anytime, but for now, no.

Entry For Today

Today was a pretty decent day.  Better than they have been, much better than last night.  I did a good thing today.  There’s a couple my husband and I know.  Older couple in their late 50’s and early 60’s, both who are on disability.  In turn, they get next to nothing for income.  They’re struggling just to buy food, never mind pay bills and what not.  So today, even though we’re financially behind, we’re still better off than they are, so I went through my cupboards and filled 4 grocery bags full of canned foods, mac and cheese, a cake mix, just a bunch of food.  I also decided to send over the turkey I had in the deep freeze.  They need it more than we do.  So that was my good deed for the day.  I also sent someone a message on facebook.  She does a lot of helping people, low-income families, families who are starting over, etc.  I would really like to donate all the baby stuff I have.  I was thinking of having a yard sale, but I would really like to donate it.  I have been getting a lot of help from random people lately, the least I can do is pay it forward.  She actually is going to bring me out a space heater and a fan on Thursday, at the same time, we’re going to pack her car full of baby stuff.  It’s good to be able to help people.  It feels good.

Today, I didn’t do too much.  I listened to music as I always do.  Oh, I did check the mail today and received a cheque for $75 from the college I attended.  I had spoken to a woman online a while ago about the college and the course.  She just wanted to know what my experience was like with the staff, and with the course.  I guess she decided to enroll and when she did so, said I referred her.  I received a cheque for referring her!  I’m hoping to be allowed to keep this money.  I’m not sure what I’d do with it, but it would just be nice to have so if I did see something I liked, for me or for the kids, I could grab it.  Or, I could almost pay off my cell phone bill.  Regardless, it was a nice surprise for me.

Other than that, my feelings today have been relatively happy.  I tried yet again to bring up the topic of emotional abuse with my husband.  He actually listened today.  We didn’t have much of a conversation about it, but I did tell him that I know it’s not him, it’s how he was raised.  I think it might have shocked him.  I always pushed that fact away that he was raised around all of that.  I didn’t take it into consideration that he was watching the emotional abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse and the physical abuse take place.  Also witnessing all the alcoholism taking place within his family, and in his home.  As well as having his mom move away when he was 7 years old.  And not just move away, but move 16 hours away to a different country.  I imagine that would be quite devastating and confusing for a 7 year old, or a child of any age for that matter!  After reading all the information Cindy gave me, as well as this one book I have, I realized it wasn’t just him being, well, rude to put it nicely.  I’m hoping to be able to get him to open his eyes and see that it is a problem and that maybe he could get some help to deal with his past, in turn, help him deal with his current issues.  There’s also a men’s shelter here who offers support and counselling for men who are abusers.  Not only that, but counselling for the couples.  I really feel like he would benefit from this program.  But, if he isn’t willing to do so by the time I’m strong enough to leave, then he isn’t willing and I will know I had tried everything I could to help him better himself.  Can’t help someone if they don’t want the help, right?

So here I am, 8:40PM.  I think tonight I’ll relax and watch a movie.  My kids are in bed already, hubby’s making a late night snack of pancakes for himself.  I have 4 week old kittens running all over the house.  Unfortunately, I have this allergy to animal dander.  My 2 cats are indoor/outdoor cats, I have an outdoor dog, and a small indoor dog.  The added 3 kittens have my allergies going crazy.  Especially my eyes.
A song to finish off today’s post as well.  I love this song and this woman sings it beautifully!  I was nearly in tears.  So powerful!