It’s been a year since I last wrote

So much has changed.  I have changed.
In fact, I’m unrecognizable these days, especially to myself.

Let’s start with my very last post regarding breast cancer.
I went in to see the specialist who said it was nothing.  Strangest thing.  It didn’t show up on the ultrasound or anything, yet you could feel them with your fingers.  I still can; they’re still there.  I’m keeping an eye on them just in case they start to get bigger.  Cancer scares me a bit given my family history and the people I’ve lost to it.

It was a tough year last year.  Tom and I went through a lot.  Though it was slightly better where we were staying, it was still very tough.  We had our 10th wedding anniversary on August 6th.  We had dinner reservations, a hotel booked and planned to go to a movie.  His cousin was getting married the weekend we had that planned, of course we went.  I brought my camera to get some extra experience.  Unfortunately, Tom ended up drunk.  We had to stay at his other cousins house after he wanted to drive home drunk with the kids in the car.  That was obviously not okay with me!  So that hurt to say the least.

We moved into an apartment the 1st of October.  Shortly after that, I met a lady who lived on the bottom floor with her 3 sons.  We have become very good friends, as are our children.  I started to spend a lot of time with her and then it was like the fog cleared from my brain and I was finally able to see what exactly Tom had been doing to me over the past 16 years.  All the words, the actions, the control, the gas lighting, etc.  It was having a strong, confident friend that made me realize he was treating me like I was worthless.

I got angry.  By angry, I don’t mean yell about it and take some time to breathe.  I mean angry like treating him like complete shit, not staying home and simply not caring at all about his wants and needs.  At this point, he started changing his ways and is who I needed him to be when we started this relationship.  He’s caring, he listens, he’s helpful, thoughtful, etc.  But regardless of all this, I couldn’t help but be that angry with him.  How could he do that to me?  How dare he show our kids that that was a normal, healthy marriage?!

The end of October, I started talking to another man.  We had met by showing him and his girlfriend our house that we’re selling.
Anyway, it was just friends.  We had coffee a couple times.  We spoke all the time though.  All the time as in from about 8am to anywhere between 2-4pm on and off while he was at work, 5 days a week.  We formed quite the friendship and of course, feelings formed there.  More strongly for me than for him.  He says he cares about me more than he should, but I think I might have fallen for him a little bit.  Which was never my intention.

We last spoke at the end of December, and it was heartbreaking.  I can’t believe how sad I was to have lost someone who wasn’t mine to begin with!  We hadn’t spoken since the end of November but closer to Christmas, we spoke for 2 days.  The last day, he had text me and we talked about our feelings and how we needed to stop.
The next day, Tom went into my phone and saw texts between him and I.  I will not get into detail about what things he read, but it was enough to give him the thought that I was sleeping with the other guy.

He kept saying he doesn’t want to lose me and he wants to make it work.  It actually felt good to see him fall apart on the kitchen floor.  I know that sounds completely bitchy, but it showed me that he really did care about me.  Rather than kicking me out, he dropped and cried and even hugged me as he cried hard.  I feel like I at least owe him the chance for us to right our wrongs.

My problem is that I honestly don’t know if I can get over the past.  And now he doesn’t trust me.  He goes through my facebook, my texts, the call display on the phone, etc.  He doesn’t want me going out with anyone which triggers memories of the past.  He’s so clingy now too.  It’s like he needs to have a hand on me at all times; my knee, hand, something.  I’m used to getting the cold shoulder, for years, so now I feel smothered.

I’m just not sure how to deal with all this.  I can tell you one thing, I’m never going to be that weak person I was before.  He may not like me going out but I’m not about to be his prisoner again.  If I didn’t want to try, I wouldn’t have stayed!  I also still care about the other guy and I have no idea how to turn off those emotions.  Don’t really want to say much about him.  He has a girlfriend, we said we wouldn’t leave our spouses for each other, especially considering this was all accidental to begin with.  Besides, if I were to leave, it would be to be on my own, not to jump into another relationship.

I’m trying really hard to figure out who I am, get to know myself because I don’t.  I’ve been too busy trying to be who Tom wants me to be that I’ve completely lost myself.

We’re moving at the end of the month.  This apartment is just too small for the 4 of us.  It’s supposed to be our new start.  We’ll see how this goes I guess.
We’re both going to start individual counselling, and move to marriage counselling after that.
Besides that, I’m going to go back to school!

Advertisements

Separation & court

its-really-hard-to-decide-when-youre-too-tired-to-hold-on-yet-youre-too-in-love-to-let-go

Well, I’m not too sure where to start.  My life has been extremely stressful and I feel it physically.  Even taking the time to write this, just thinking about everything is giving me a headache.

So here’s what’s been happening here.
I turned 29 on the 29th of May.  Hubby came home and surprised me by taking me out for dinner at our favorite restaurant.  Yes, that was great.  However, the days, weeks, prior to that had been more terrible than wonderful.  He’s been spending a lot of time away from home (I have no idea where he ends up), has no regard for the kids or my feelings, comes home really late and drunk.  I’ve said it before to him, that it’s disrespectful and sure makes us feel like he doesn’t give a damn at all.

Long story short though, on the 30th, I had the support worker from Graces school drop Adam off for a visit at the school (he got to see his girlfriend!) so we could head down to the courthouse.
I filed for sole custody and guardianship, and placed a protection order for my kids simply because he has made the threat in the past that he’d take the kids to Yakima WA where his mom lives.  The protection order says he cannot leave BC without written and verbal consent, cannot pick up the kids at school etc without written and verbal consent, etc.
It was the first time I’ve had to admit out loud and to complete strangers that yes, my marriage is emotionally and verbally abusive.  I swear for cases like that, they should offer an Ativan.  I had to get the support worker (Kathleen) to write some of it, I was just too shaky.  I honestly thought I may have a heart attack, but I’m assuming it was just a big anxiety attack.

Once we left, she bought me a coffee and we went to hubby’s place of employment so Kathleen could serve him the papers.  I was so nervous I thought I might vomit.  It was horrid!  He didn’t come out though, which is what I was afraid of.  We went back to the school to pick up Adam, gave Grace a big hug, all that good stuff, and went home.
A couple of hours later, hubby asked why I still went to the courthouse, that he thought things were getting better and he’s confused.  Two good days in a row does not mean things have gotten better.  At all.

When he got home, he was extremely angry.  We came to the conclusion though that he was angry because he was hurt, and then the anger stopped.  I gave him an option though.  No pressure to him for it, it’s completely his choice.  I know his opinion on counsellors and what not, it hasn’t changed in the 15 years we’ve been together.  They put words in your mouth, they do more harm than good, etc.  Bottom line, that he would never again go see one.  He went through anger management two or three times before we met and I guess had a terrible experience.  I have tried to explain to him counselling isn’t like anger management, especially between youth and adults.  Things are different.  He wouldn’t accept that answer though.  Anyway, he has decided to go to counselling through the John Howard Society, through the S.T.O.P program. (Stop Taking It Out On Your Partner).  I figured if he’s actually willing, I’m going to make sure it counts, that this counsellor is going to understand situations like ours etc.  I’m also going to start seeing Cindy again at the Elizabeth Fry Society for abused women.  If hubby is willing to try, I am too and I know I’m far from perfect, I’ll do my part too.  I need to learn how to place boundaries and see what exactly is abuse compared to just having a bad day and what not.  Plus, I have yet to deal with a lot of things from the past.

Last night, he came home at 11:30pm completely drunk and ended up spending half the night on the bathroom floor.  It’s things like that I just can’t handle.  It’s disrespectful to me and to the kids.  It’s also a lot more than that, such as brushing off anything I see as a problem, or all my feelings in general.  But then again, his grandma (who raised him) told me straight out the other day that she didn’t have time for him when he was growing up so she just gave him money.  At least I know there’s a reason behind his actions and I do have a little hope the counselling will help.  But!  In order to know that he wants to try and he’s not just saying his constant empty words, I’m going to ask him to call and book the appointment.  He can start making an effort and showing me he’s all in by doing that, by going completely out of his comfort zone.  If he won’t, than I at least know where we stand.  That’s actually the advice from Kathleen.

Kathleen is the one who I thought was pressuring me to keep Adam in school in January.  I still feel like she was, but I quite like her now.  I’m very comfortable with her and can talk to her.  She has also offered to take me to the appointments at E. Fry and Adam can spend that hour at the school with his friends.

At this point, I haven’t cancelled the court date yet, which is the 19th.  I’m still on the fence.  I need to see some effort before then.  Actions speak louder than words and his actions just confirm my reasons for wanting to leave.

So there you have it, my current life situation in a few paragraphs.

First Steps To Leaving An Emotionally Abusive Marriage

I had started this blog to blog about my marriage and parenting.  The good and bad of everything in my life, but it seems it has changed course.  This blog will now consist of my life, starting with my emotionally abusive marriage, and what I’m currently going through to get the help my children and I need.  That being said, welcome to my blog.

I’ll start off by saying my husband has been emotionally abusive for years.  Yes, including before we were married; however it wasn’t as bad as it is now.  We’ve been together since I was 14 years old and at that time, I was blinded by love.  I figured with time, things would change.  We were both teenagers and both had a lot of growing up to do.  I guess in some ways, I did know he was emotionally abusive, though I didn’t understand what it was.  I just knew it wasn’t supposed to be that way.  None of my friends boyfriends told them they were not allowed to have friends, or would leave with his friends with the demands to stay home, clean the house and have dinner ready whenever/if he decided to come home that night.  Actually, it’s still pretty much that case.  He told me last year I was allowed to have friends.  I got a job and went to dinner with a bunch of the ladies from work.  He dropped me off at my friend’s house and left.  We took off to the restaurant right away.  I soon received a text from my husband accusing me of convincing him to drop me off at a guy’s house so I could have an affair.  He said there were no tire tracks in the snow.  I literally had to take a picture of my friends and me under the logo of the restaurant and text it to him.  I quit my job and stayed home with the kids after that.

So, the other night, hubby comes in the house.  My daughter wanted to sleep in my son’s room with him, his bedroom is upstairs.  Okay, no problem as long as they go to sleep at a half decent time.  Hubby comes in and automatically snaps at my daughter, yelling at her to get downstairs into bed.  I told hubby she was sleeping in my son’s room and I went to comfort my kids.  They were both in tears.  When I got them settled and tucked in, I came out to the living room where he snapped on me!  The house is a mess, the kids don’t pick up their toys, we don’t have any money, he works for nothing, the dog made him angry, work is stressing him out, the bronco still won’t start, he’s tired of supporting the kids and I, I’m useless, I’m a burden to everyone…  You name it, he went off about it! He also said he expected to be first in not only my life, but everyone’s lives!  Voices were definitely raised.  At about 11:30pm, I assumed the kids were asleep.  I went into my room in tears and there sat both kids, wide awake.  My daughter came up to me, gave me a big hug and asked if my hubby made me cry again, and that she was going to tell him to stop yelling at me.  It was heart wrenching to know they heard everything.  I felt like such a horrible parent!

The next morning, he left for work at 7:30am and I did some research.  I sent an email to one of the places that help women get out of abusive relationships.  I had my mind made up, enough is enough.  Especially now that I knew my children were being affected.  This morning, I received an email back saying the particular person I emailed was out of the office but she was transferring me to someone in “Victim Services.”  I read that and though “victim?”  I had never once thought of myself as a victim, but I suppose it’s the truth; that alone had me in tears.  I am a victim of my own husband, and the children, victims of their father.  It was quite a shock for me to read that, to think about it that way.  It was something I never considered and to have it said to me, even via email, it made my head spin.  For my kids, she’s suggested a program called “Children Who Witness Abuse.”  This will be good for them.  It will help them a lot.

I spoke to my sister after that who told me to call them instead, but I just couldn’t do it.  I was in tears and couldn’t talk about it because I’d start crying.  So she called down there and got me some information.  They wanted me to either call the women’s shelters they have, or call them.  I waited a couple hours, but I did call them.  She went on to explain what they do, and what abuse is.  She hit everything dead on.  I was shocked again.  I had no idea I was in a “typical” abusive relationship.  I have booked an appointment with my new worker for Thursday morning.  She said she has tons of things to show me and what not, I’m happy to have her even at this point.

I plan to speak to my husband sometime this weekend.  Fingers crossed things stay civil!