After a week of calling twice and having them tell me they’d return my call, I finally heard back from the Community Counseling Center. Tom and I have been trying to get in with them since the beginning of the month! We were originally going to go with a licensed professional, but at $100 plus taxes every week, we just can’t afford that. Plus I wanted individual counseling as well. We’ve been struggling financial as is and as importnant as I feel it is, it just wasn’t a possibility at this time. I ended up calling the Northern Heath board and asking if they could point me in the right direction for free or cheap marriage counseling and she told me to call the Community Counseling Center. This is run the the UNBC (University of Northern British Columbia) and is psychology students. We’re both okay with that! The students need to learn and we need the help. It’s $10 per 1 hour session. It’s a good start regardless in my opinion, and we have our intake appointments on Thursday next week.
I had recieved a call from my sons school on Wednesday. I thought it was to confirm our meeting on Thursday but she said she wanted to talk about Adam and that she was concerned. He has a weather and calendar booklet in his desk. It’s a stapled together paper book and he doodles on it. His teacher took a look at it on Wednesday and noticed some disturbing drawings. I’ll also mention at home, adam doesn’t draw or colour what so ever, so to hear that he was doodling was quite a shock all on its own!
Here’s the picture:
I hope you can make out the drawings. There are a bunch of hearts crossed out, a broken heart, a tear drop and when asked about the drawing in the bottom left corner, he explained that it’s the gun he used to commit suicide and that’s his grave.
The school psychologist was at the meeting yesterday who said it isn’t normal for kids his age (8) to know what death is and what not. He does though. We’ve had some people pass away as well as some animals. In order to help him cope, I told him Heaven and Rainbow Bridge is where our souls go until we’re all back together again. That it’s never goodbye, it’s just see you later. And that helped him, both my kids. Not only this, but my mom is on the transplant list for lungs. If something were to happen to her, I need him to have that belief that it’s only a temporary goodbye. They are too young and innocent to believe anything else. as for knowing about suicide and what not, he watches a lot of youtube which now has a filter on it, as does the entire computer.
So when he got home from school Wednesday, I had Grace play in the livingroom and I spoke to Adam in private. He said he’s in pain all the time; his brain, his hands… I asked if it had anything to do with his favorite song Pain by Three Days Grace. He said no but that ever since he heard it, he’s always in pain. Okay, possibly fabricated a little bit. But then I asked about the broken hearts and he got a bit teary and said “I hate the way Hun blames you for everything.” Yes, they caught on to calling him hun, because I do. I’ve tried to get them to call him dad, doesn’t work. I asked about the arguing and what not and he said that makes him want to commit suicide and go to Heaven.
I can’t help but feel responsible. That by feeling so stuck and trapped and unable to leave in the past, that I stayed with all the emotional, mental and verbal abuse and the kids were around it, that I’ve fucked up my children for lack of better words. They heard and saw so much go on, they felt so much! Tom was driving them to school the other day and they were blaming him for everything. I can’t say it was all him, I’m no where near perfect myself, but they see what they see. He would come home and as soon as he’d walk through the door, was angry at me. Or he wouldn’t come home until late and those nights, all the kids wanted was to say goodnight to him. But he’d be too busy out drinking and they’d cry and ask why he didn’t love them. I’d have to explain that he was just going through some things… Always made excuses for him but I think it’s important for the kids. Too young for grown up problems.
There was just so so much that they were there for and now, I’m not sure what to do!
I could sure use some advice right now!