Admitting how I feel/breaking his heart

I missed my counseling appointment on Tuesday.  I have rebooked for next Tuesday.  It’ll be my first appointment.  Tom had his first yesterday.  We were talking after that and he wanted the truth about how I feel, so I told him.  I told him the truth which was hard for me and I’m sure much harder for him.

I told him that I’m pretty sure I was starting to fall in love with the other guy.  He was questioning why I was still hung up on it.  That’s why.  I also told him that I’m not sure I’m in love with him anymore.  I love him, don’t get me wrong.  I will always love him.  I’m just not sure I’m in love with him.

I think when I went through whatever I went through in October, when I stopped caring and was so angry at him, maybe I stopped then.  Or maybe I never actually did and had been “in love” with the idea of making him into a better person; fixing him.  Now that he is, it’s just too late or something.  I’m trying my best to fall back in love with him.  He’s being such a great husband now.  He’s being everything I’ve hoped he’d be, so I’m confused.  I guess just the 16 years of trying.  I’m not sure.  But there’s also the other guy and I do have some very strong feelings for that man that I can’t seem to push aside.

Some of the last things he said to me go through my mind often.  “I’ll miss you…”  “It would be impossible to forget you.”  “I have feelings for you.”  And then the hard things that we talked about too, like not being able to talk to each other because we have feelings for each other, and that we’d never leave our spouses for each other.

Him and I can’t be together and even if I left Tom and he left his girl, it just wouldn’t be a good thing I think, to have a relationship based on an emotional affair.  Maybe I’m wrong, no idea.  But I also don’t know if I should stay here with my husband not being in love with him.  We talk, we get along and all that stuff, that’s not a problem.  But the “in love” part is missing on my part.  I need to at least give him a chance and try.  I feel like I owe him that and also for the kids.  At the same time, what I wanted when I was 14 when we got together, isn’t what I want now.  And the past is hard to get over too.  The feelings of the words are still there.  I’m still affected by them.

I really need to talk to the counselor.  I need to try to figure out my crap and I’m hoping she can help me with it .  I just don’t know what to do.  I feel like Tom deserves better than me now.  I told him he shouldn’t be comforting me while my heart aches over another guy and he said if that’s what it takes for me to stay, he wants to do it.  He deserves better than me.

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Counseling & abuse effects on children – Advice Please!

After a week of calling twice and having them tell me they’d return my call, I finally heard back from the Community Counseling Center.  Tom and I have been trying to get in with them since the beginning of the month!  We were originally going to go with a licensed professional, but at $100 plus taxes every week, we just can’t afford that.  Plus I wanted individual counseling as well.  We’ve been struggling financial as is and as importnant as I feel it is, it just wasn’t a possibility at this time.  I ended up calling the Northern Heath board and asking if they could point me in the right direction for free or cheap marriage counseling and she told me to call the Community Counseling Center.  This is run the the UNBC (University of Northern British Columbia) and is psychology students.  We’re both okay with that!  The students need to learn and we need the help.  It’s $10 per 1 hour session.  It’s a good start regardless in my opinion, and we have our intake appointments on Thursday next week.

I had recieved a call from my sons school on Wednesday.  I thought it was to confirm our meeting on Thursday but she said she wanted to talk about Adam and that she was concerned.  He has a weather and calendar booklet in his desk.  It’s a stapled together paper book and he doodles on it.  His teacher took a look at it on Wednesday and noticed some disturbing drawings.  I’ll also mention at home, adam doesn’t draw or colour what so ever, so to hear that he was doodling was quite a shock all on its own!

Here’s the picture:

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I hope you can make out the drawings.  There are a bunch of hearts crossed out, a broken heart, a tear drop and when asked about the drawing in the bottom left corner, he explained that it’s the gun  he used to commit suicide and that’s his grave.
The school psychologist was at the meeting yesterday who said it isn’t normal for kids his age (8) to know what death is and what not.  He does though.  We’ve had some people pass away as well as some animals.  In order to help him cope, I told him Heaven and Rainbow Bridge is where our souls go until we’re all back together again.  That it’s never goodbye, it’s just see you later.  And that helped him, both my kids.  Not only this, but my mom is on the transplant list for lungs.  If something were to happen to her, I need him to have that belief that it’s only a temporary goodbye.  They are too young and innocent to believe anything else.  as for knowing about suicide and what not, he watches a lot of youtube which now has a filter on it, as does the entire computer.

So when he got home from school Wednesday, I had Grace play in the livingroom and I spoke to Adam in private.  He said he’s in pain all the time; his brain, his hands…  I asked if it had anything to do with his favorite song Pain by Three Days Grace.  He said no but that ever since he heard it, he’s always in pain.  Okay, possibly fabricated a little bit.  But then I asked about the broken hearts and he got a bit teary and said “I hate the way Hun blames you for everything.”  Yes, they caught on to calling him hun, because I do.  I’ve tried to get them to call him dad, doesn’t work.  I asked about the arguing and what not and he said that makes him want to commit suicide and go to Heaven.

I can’t help but feel responsible.  That by feeling so stuck and trapped and unable to leave in the past, that I stayed with all the emotional, mental and verbal abuse and the kids were around it, that I’ve fucked up my children for lack of better words.  They heard and saw so much go on, they felt so much!  Tom was driving them to school the other day and they were blaming him for everything.  I can’t say it was all him, I’m no where near perfect myself, but they see what they see.  He would come home and as soon as he’d walk through the door, was angry at me.  Or he wouldn’t come home until late and those nights, all the kids wanted was to say goodnight to him.  But he’d be too busy out drinking and they’d cry and ask why he didn’t love them.  I’d have to explain that he was just going through some things…  Always made excuses for him but I think it’s important for the kids.  Too young for grown up problems.

There was just so so much that they were there for and now, I’m not sure what to do!
I could sure use some advice right now!

Not all blood is family! (drama entry)

I apologize for the lack of entries lately.  I’ve been fighting a bad chest cold for 3 weeks now, just can’t seem to get rid of it.  Mixed with my asthma, it’s been hell!  Also, this is full of drama, a heads up in advance.

Today, I’d like to talk about family.  My little girl and I were going through pictures the other day and we came across a picture of my uncle Bill and my dad at his wedding, the wedding I attended even after he refused to attend mine because my half sisters mom was going to be there.  My half sister was part of the wedding party.  Anyway, Gracie asked me why I don’t talk to my dad.  I told her the truth.  My dad wasn’t a good dad, isn’t a good dad, he doesn’t want to be my dad and I left it at that.  I posted on facebook something on the lines of “Grace asked me why I don’t talk to my dad.  How to you explain to an almost 6 year old that your dad threatened to kill you and tried to find you when you were little?”  I did get some comments, some said they understood, that they’d went through it too, others said they were sorry, some gave me some advice.  I appreciated it.  And then my aunt Cindy had to voice her opinion.  Cindy and I don’t know each other well at all.  My dads side of the family didn’t attend my wedding, we don’t talk much, etc.  It was only his parents and one of my cousins who attended the wedding.  It’s fine though.

So Cindy starts going off cursing saying something about how my mom has fed me crap about my dad and that it was her who was a bad mom.  Yes, my mom had a drug problem when my brother, sister and I were little.  She doesn’t deny that at all.  The fact that she sent my brother and sister to live with my grandparents and I so she could go detox was a big step on her part.  It made her a better person obviously.  The will power to know that you’re messing up, regardless of the addiction, takes an amazing amount of strength.  I admire my mom for that!  My mom saw that post before I did, called and was very angry.  She asked me to delete the whole thing, which I did out of respect for her.  Not before I replied to Cindy though.  I pretty much told her that I wasn’t fed anything.  Sure, I’ve heard stories about when I was little, but I haven’t said anything about them on facebook.  What I posted was what my dad put me through personally.  What I remember clearly…who forgets their dad trying to kill them?  Or all the birthdays passing with not even a phone call?  The broken promises?  How about when his parents and my brother and sister were hit by a drunk driver?  My siblings almost died and both went in for emergency surgery.  He couldn’t even be bothered to see them in the hospital!  Tell me again how wonderful my father is.  When someone tries and tries for many years to form a relationship with their father just to have him refuse you, yeah, it makes a huge impact on a person!  Cindy’s opinions don’t matter.  She doesn’t know me, I don’t know her, but I definitely felt the need to defend what I felt was my right, to post what I want.  The part that bothered me most was that my 3 cousins (2 are her daughters) “liked” the post about my mom.  Now tell me who’s been feeding who crap.

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Cindy posted this sticker on my wall after the nasty post about my mom.  The funny thing is, I post about my marriage all the time.  I have called Tom an asshat and even explained my definition of it.  Not once has anyone said anything about posting too much information on facebook.  I’m going to post the conversation we had on that sticker in here.  I’m not trying to welcome drama or anything, but this is something I’d like to keep, and this is where I vent.

Alicia – Cynthia, considering my account is full of my friends and family, even though in some cases, the distance is there, I will vent all I want to.  That is my release.  If people choose to ignore the post, that’s perfectly fine with me.  It’s not a public post for a reason.  Yes, feedback is wonderful!  I love my dad but he’s a fucking asshole Cindy.  It’s not just about back then, it’s from when him and Laurie got together when he played the daddy roll wonderfully while he lived in town and can’t be bothered to pick up the phone and call, or even pick up the phone when I call, stop by when he’s in town, hell I haven’t seen him in 7 years!  I tried to see him when I was there last but do you think the phone got answered when I called?  My mom has made some mistakes, yes.  I know I was raised by Nan and Pop, not my mom or dad.  But, my mom has worked her ass off to reform that relationship we were missing and it’s an amazing one!  No one is perfect, I get that.  But the amount of hurt I feel and have felt in the past caused by my father is something that not even time can heal simply because I have yet to fully give up wanting a relationship with him!  What I judged that post on had NOTHING to do with what anyone has told me but with what I’ve experienced from him personally.
I love you Cindy, but if you can’t stand hearing that kind of thing, I suggest you take me off your friends list because my opinion about my dad and the experiences I’ve went through with him are not going to change!
My family has been my grandparents, aunt Nee, uncle Vin, Daryl, Amanda, mom and Gran and Gramps.  Please explain to me where you fit in in the past 19 years between my mom, dad and I to be placing judgement like you have?
You think your hands are clean Cindy?  I didn’t place judgement on a situation I don’t know or understand, those were my personal experiences.

As for this wall sticker…the only person saying anything is you.
I apologize for this post, but that was bullshit and completely uncalled for!

  • Cynthia – You seem to forget, he may be your dad, but he is uncle to a lot of others who do not feel the way you do. And if you are all about feeling comfortable saying whatever you want and having people read it ten what is the difference for me? There isn’t one. So if you post it, I guess its fair shootin!   Move on Alicia and quit putting yourself in a bad situation. Where is your self respect???

  • Alicia – My self respect?  I should ask you the same thing.  Hmm, I guess I lost that when my dad stopped respecting me.  I agree, Denae, Dallas, Kasey, etc might consider him a wonderful guy!  And that’s great if they do, I’m glad he’s a good uncle but he’s a terrible father, that’s all I’m saying.  I will not “move on” because what I have experienced is up to me to share or not.  You’re also right about everyone being entitled to their opinions, I’m with you on that.  Like I said, that post was about the things dad and I have went through together, personally, nothing that anyone has “fed me.”  No bullshit in there.  Dad is no hero, nor is he a dad…ask any of us 4 kids.  I’m glad he’s an uncle though, maybe that makes up for it.
    Also, I’m in a perfectly fine situation right here where I am, thank you.

  • Cynthia – but all your rants say different Alicia. You are obviously unhappy and searching for something to blame it on.

  • Cynthia – Just don’t pass your negativity on to your kids, its not fair

  • Alicia – Do they now?  I said dad was a terrible dad to all 4 of us, I’m taking your word he’s a great uncle.  I guess that makes up for all the lost years past and to come without talking to his own children right?
    There’s that judgement again.  Obviously I must be unhappy to be unhappy and speak the truth about my own dad.  Yep, that has to be the case.  Or, maybe I’m tired of hurting and feeling like I’ve never been enough for him?  Every birthday gone by that he didn’t call, even though I’d call him on his.  Oh that’s right, he doesn’t know my birthday.
    You have no idea who I am unfortunately and my parenting skills…be careful bringing parenting into the picture Cindy, especially if we’re speaking freely with our opinions.
    Keep making excuses for him though.  You are, after all, closer to him than I am!

Cindy is and always has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember which is what I meant by bringing parenting into the picture.  After bringing my kids into the conversation, she’s lucky I didn’t spill everything I know about her.  She must forget I was there a few times.  But it wasn’t my intention to cause drama, just to get opinions on how to explain things to your child when you have so much hurt caused by that person.
My cousin then posted a status about people airing their dirty laundry on facebook.
It’s horrible.  I mean, if my cousins think so highly f him, than I have no doubts that he’s a good uncle to them.  Why can’t he be a good dad to me?

Homeschool & heart strings

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Wow.  It has been a week to say the least!  The beginning of the week was quite difficult.  My last entry, I mentioned I spoke with the school my little guy will be going through and about the special needs class.  He did start regular grade 1 and is doing good.  On Monday, I received a call around 10am from the principal of the kids school saying the other school had called.  I hadn’t had the chance to call that morning.  She was definitely shocked and tried her hardest to convince me to let him stay.  She then offered to have someone call about in town activities, so of course I agreed.  This lady called later that day saying she’s the support worker for the school and she’d look into the types of activities I mentioned to her, and then spent 15 minutes telling me why I need to keep my son in public school.  Things like “he might think he’s dumb because his sister is going to school and he isn’t” and something along the lines of the lack of socialization will corrupt his adulthood.  I called my sister who then called her ministry support worker.  I was honestly afraid that worker would have called the ministry because I was choosing to homeschool.  My sisters worker told me to call the principal and school board and place a complaint against her.  I didn’t, I couldn’t.  I don’t want the drama or the battle that could cause.  I also feel that everyone is entitled to their opinions.  The ministry worker also said the school would have no grounds to go on as homeschooling is a very acceptable option these days.  I was so stressed out that day trying to figure out what to do.  The schools worker said we could get my son into the split 1/2 class where the EA spends most of her time so he would get the extra help.  If that’s the case, why wasn’t he already in that class?  Her second option for me was half days.  I don’t see a point in that.  He’s able to do the work, but with the trouble people have understanding him, it’s been tough for him trying to get the help he needs.  I felt he needs one on one time with someone who understands his speech.

Tuesday my daughter had her health circuit; she had two needles, her sight checked, hearing checked, and her teeth checked.  She didn’t even flinch getting her needles.  She did amazingly!  After that, we drove up to the school to get my son and his things.  We had planned to take him out on Wednesday, but after the talk with the support worker, and the fact that he was enrolled with a different school, I chose to take him out.  Hubby and I get there, and automatically end up in a “meeting” with the teacher and principal…which is why we showed up early.  My poor little man cried saying bye to his friends, especially his girlfriend.  Of course, I was on the verge of tears.  The teacher and principal were also on the verge of tears.  That was one thing I never took into consideration; the bond between the staff and the students.  Once home, I was in a dark hole.  I was extremely depressed the entire day and was questioning if I did the right thing for Adam.  I’m still wondering to be honest.
On Wednesday Adam and I went to the doctor.  Adam will be going to see a pediatrician for his speech and also possible depression which was another reason I chose to pull him out.  He was coming home so sad and depressed.  It was heartwrenching.

Today, Gracie came home from school with a thick stack of papers.  The kids from Adams class had drawn pictures for him.  On the top was the drawing from his girlfriend.  In the picture, they were holding hands, happy, and hearts all over.  It said “I mes you.”  Yes, I mes you.  As we’re going through them, he starts crying…and so did I.  I know he’s hurting and that hurts me.  I can feel it.  I just hope I’m doing the right thing here for him.  I’m lost right now.

Onto the actual homeschooling topic.  I’m out of ink for my printer now; both color and black.  I’ve printed off a lot of things so far.  I had to print off this test and application to get Adam to see the speech pathologist online, I haven’t heard back yet though.  A lot of printing out school work and what not as well.  I have had to bookmark so many different websites, each have different login information, as does his online classroom.  I’ve spent a while trying to figure out different activities for him to do in school and have found some.  The Art Museum has a homeschooler program, as does The Exploration Place.  I’m looking into an art class, he’s very interested in dance and martial arts, as well as swimming.  Saturdays are going to be our library day.  I plan to take both kids to the observatory, everyone in this house has a love and fascination with the stars and planets.  I’ve also found a bunch of place to take him for field trips such as the train museum, Barkerville, roller skating, art drop in, etc.  Both kids will be able to attend a lot of the classes and field trips, so that will be great.

It’s hard though.  Just being a mom and trying to figure out what’s best for him.

Catching up on the past month

My last posts were about my grandparents birthdays.  I meant to post about my grandpas passing on November 24th, but the depression kicked into high gear, unfortunately.  I become very anti-social around November and December because of the heartache I continue to feel from losing them.  Christmas was my grandmas favorite holiday, it’s still very hard for me but I do the best I can to make it wonderful for my kids.  They deserve at least an amazing Christmas!   Of course, hubby had to turn it all to crap.  It’s what he does.  I’m not sure what he was so angry about, but he ended up telling my little guy that he didn’t care when Adam was trying to talk to him.  I ended up whispering “some fucking father you are” thinking the kids couldn’t hear me through the music in the car and the muffler noise (wonderful roads here tore it off, along with the bumper of the car!), Adam turned and said “yeah, some fucking dad you are.”  I know it’s terrible of me, but I burst out laughing.  Tom made a threat saying something about tearing a strip off him had he known what he said, the thing is, Adam may have a bad speech problem, but he knows what the words mean.
Before Christmas, Adam accidently knelt on my tablet he was using and cracked the LCD screen inside.  I have no picture on it at all.  I have yet to tell Tom.  I figure when I do, I’ll be blaming it on myself to save Adam from the shit storm.  He doesn’t deserve it, it was an accident, he told me right away and apologized numerous times.  He honestly felt terrible.  Tom won’t see it that way though.  He says he can’t own anything nice because the kids ruin everything.  It’s heartbreaking.  He shouldn’t have been a dad…shouldn’t be a dad.  I don’t regret my kids, but I regret who I had them with.

The kids had a decent Christmas.  Unfortunately, we all had the flu.  It started with Gracie, moved to Adam, then to me, and then to Tom.  Once we were better, Tom ended up getting it again, and then I got it again.  It was just a 24 hour flu, but the second time I got it, it lasted nearly a week.  I was worried though because the Norwalk virus and H1N1 have been spreading like wild fire lately.  H1N1 has over 30 people on ventilators from what I’ve read, and has killed 10 people in this province already.  H1N1 is especially dangerous to those with lung problems such as myself and my asthma.  It’s scary for me to think of getting a flu that could take me away from my kids and leave them with Tom.  It’s not an option for me.  I’ve been sanitizing my house like a mad woman.

December 31st marked 4 years since the passing of my 23 year old cousin Felicia.  Felicia was an amazing person with the most beautiful soul.  She had developed brain cancer in her chest as a teen.  She was in remission twice prior to relapsing the third time which eventually killed her.  Too young.

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Adam is failing grade 1.  For this, I partially blame his teacher.  She can’t understand him with his speech problems.  He had gotten bullied in the bathroom one day; a couple kids told him “no Adams allowed” and that he wasn’t allowed to pee.  He threw his coat at them after they were wiping him with their coats and Adam was the one who got in trouble.  Oh, talk about an angry mama!  His teacher has been telling me he isn’t doing much work at school.  Monday, he brought work home.  As I looked it over, I noticed he was doing the work but in the wrong places, wrong order, etc.  Adam said he did ask her for help, but she couldn’t understand him.  It’s so sad to hear that.  As teachers, they should know better than to just leave a 6 year old to suffer like that not being understood.  The one day, he felt sick.  No one could understand him so they just pushed him throughout the day.  He had tonsillitis.  I’m just not happy with his teacher at all!  Because he’s failing, they’re definitely going to want to hold him back.  They wanted to in kindergarten too, but he started to do better.  If he is held back, he’ll again be in Mrs Bymans class not being understood and obviously continuing to fail.  I’m not about to let that happen.  So, I’m thinking of home schooling him next year.  He does his work perfectly fine at home for me, but then again, I understand his jibberish.  I don’t like the fact that he’ll be away from his friends.  I feel school is where they learn most of their social skills and what not.  However, at this point, I need to work on his education…you know, his future.  I won’t home school him forever, just until he’s ready to be put back in school.  I want to give him a fair shot at this.  I know what I went through in elementary school, not getting the help I need and why I dropped out (after getting expelled) in the middle of grade 8.  That is a future I do not want for my son and I will do anything I have to to make sure it won’t be his future!

Speaking of tonsillitis, Adam had his appointment with the ENT.  He’s going to go ahead and give him a tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy.  He did leave the choice up to me though, I chose yes.  Considering he ended up admitted to pediatrics last time, I want to get rid of the problem.  Also, they tend not to remove tonsils in adults.  My brother is proof of this.  He’s had tonsillitis so often that he’s immune to antibiotics and they won’t remove his tonsils.  That is something else that’s not an option.  I will not leave him to suffer like that.  Take those things out and be done with it.

On another note, I just made a doctors appointment for myself today.  It normally takes about 2 weeks to get in to see him, but she said I need to come in tomorrow only because she had no room to squeeze me in today.  I have silicone breast implants.  I had my breast augmentation in February 2009 after having my kids and going from a D/DD to barely filling an A cup.  I have noticed some shooting pains here and there for the past year or so, but figured since I tend to get breast cysts and also because I lost sensation from nipple down in both breasts, it was normal pain.  Apparently my silicone implant may have ruptured.  Once silicone gets to your lungs or lymph nodes, there’s no removing it from those places.  This could be a very bad thing and of course, I’m a bit nervous now.  I will keep the updates coming on that.  I’m also worried that if that is the case and I have to have that implant removed, I don’t have money to get it replaced.  I’m a 34G/H, can you imagine how that will look?  Health first of course, but I’m worried about a few different things with this.  Positive vibes needed please!

Also would like to ask for prayers, love and light to be sent to a friend of mine who has recently found to have abnormalities in the tissue in her breast, has had a biopsy and is awaiting the results.
Please send her healing thoughts!

Tom has been so confusing these days.  One day he loves me, the next, I’m his worst enemy and can’t do anything right.  This last episode of “I hate you’s” started Monday.  He came home from work talking about Crissy.  Crissy is the ex stripper who works there who’s sleeping with 3 married men who also work there.  She’s trying to sleep with my friends husband as well.  So he comes home telling me about how short her skirt is and what not.  I’m tired of hearing about her, she’s all I hear about.  I try not to be a jealous person, but he has cheated on me in the past, what makes an ex stripper less appealing than an average woman?  Since then, he’s been distant, hasn’t wanted to touch me at all or even have a conversation. 😦

It never ends!

I’m slacking on my posts.  I’m finding it hard to keep up on my blog with everything, especially dealing with my son!  It was actually his 6th birthday yesterday!  Unfortunately, we were too broke to even get him a birthday present.  That has caused me a lot of guilt inside.  I’m feeling like a horrible parent these days.  Not only because of the lack of birthday presents, but because financially, we’re so far behind, I can’t even afford winter gloves for the kids right now, and we got a good foot of snow the other day; snowing again today as well.  I just feel terrible and very useless as a parent.  I can’t even provide what my children absolutely need.  I’m ashamed.

So my poor little guy was hospitalized not long ago for tonsillitis.  He had a doctor appointment a couple weeks after for a referral to the ENT.  While he was there, the doctor checked his throat and said his tonsils were still swollen and gave him a prescription for another dose of Dexamethasone.  He then proceeded to tell me he also has croup.  So he was again at home from school.  Thursday the 7th, he started complaining his eye was sore.  I figured he had something in it, or it was irritated from the wood stove we have.  Friday, his eye is leaking the puss stuff and dripping clear fluid.  It would roll down his cheek like a tear, drip off and land on his chest.  I went to the pharmacy to get him something for pink eye.  A few days later there was absolutely no improvement, it had spread to both eyes, he was waking up numerous times a night for a warm wet cloth so I could get his eyes unglued together (which would take 1.5 hours per eye sometimes), the eyelids were so swollen they were overlapping the eyelashes!  His eyelids were also very purple.  He looked horrible.  On Monday, I ended up taking him to the ER after that clear fluid that was leaking from his eyes ended up blood leaking from his eyes.  Scariest thing ever to see your child literally crying blood.  The ER doctor gave him an antibiotic ointment which I have to put inside his bottom eyelids, and eye drops to help with the pain and swelling.  Today is day 6 of that and though there’s still some pink, it’s a lot better.

He did miss all last week of school though, plus what he missed when he had croup, plus what he missed with his tonsillitis.  He’s missed nearly a month of school and it’s only the middle of November.  It’s hard to deal with all of this because he’s so far behind with school.  Not necessarily with school, but with learning.  Prior to all this medical stuff, I had a meeting with his teacher who told me at this rate, he will fail.  I am doing everything I can to make sure that doesn’t happen, but it just isn’t enough!  It’s hard trying to teach him without my little girl thinking she knows the answers and what not, they end up trying to play.  Plus all the other stuff, the house, trying to deal with my useless husband, dealing with my own health problems…and dental problems for that matter.  I am just so beyond stressed these days.

Traumatic past week

I have a couple things to write about, just to get things off my chest.

I’m going to start with my son Adam.  Adam started with a cough and a runny nose.  On Monday the 7th (my daughter Grace’s 5th birthday), he came home from school complaining of a sore throat.  Adam doesn’t complain about feeling ill, so I knew it had to be serious.  As I went to feel the glands in his neck to check for swelling, I realized both sides looked like there were golf balls sticking out.  Upon looking into his throat, I noticed his extremely swollen tonsils.  I got him into the doctor the next day.  The doctor confirmed tonsillitis for the 3rd time this year and gave him another prescription for antibiotics.  Come Thursday, Adam had been home all week except Monday.  The swelling hadn’t gone down at all.  In fact, it had gotten worse.  I checked inside his throat again and it was covered with a white film and the sides of his throat were touching.  I decided then to take him to the hospital.

Upon registering Adam at the ER check-in, my brain was mush at this point.  So when asked if he was still in diapers or if he could pee in the cup by himself, I ended up telling the nurse he’s house broken rather than potty trained.  We had a good laugh about that.  We were the 3rd family in the ER, however, the ambulances kept coming, some came together, some back to back.  It was horrible to see.  There was a man who ran in saying his wife was having a seizure and the Ativan wasn’t working.  The kids and I were still registering Adam so still up at the desk when he brought her in on a stretchers.  I did my best to keep the kids heads turned.  I felt so terrible for the woman…she was so scared.

We got called into a room where the ER doctor looked at Adam’s throat and did his exam.  Maybe 3 minutes worth of exam then turned to me and said he wanted to admit him to Paediatrics.  Okay.  If that’s what he needs, let’s do it.  At this point, I couldn’t even remember how much Adam weighed at birth.  It had been days since I had slept due to the sleep apnea he was experiencing at home as well as the fact that he was waking up every half hour.  Mixed with the worry I was feeling, I just wasn’t all there.
Adam was given a dose of Dexamethasone to help with the swelling of his lymph nodes.  At this point, it was about 11:30pm.  The Pediatrician decided to hold off on the antibiotic IV, but did give him Tylenol for his fever.  We went to sleep.  I should say he went to sleep.  He was hooked up to a monitor to track his oxygen level and heart rate.  That monitor would go off every 20 minutes, give or take.  The nurses were constantly in the room.  They had his in isolation so when they decided on another dose of Dexamethasone, 2 Pediatricians and a nurse came in wearing the masks, gowns and gloves.  They gave him the medicine (his throat was still touching and his oxygen level was dropping to about 81), they also decided to suction out his nose, give him another dose of Tylenol and give him a medicine through the nebulizer machine.  After they left the room, he was crying a bit and told me he was scared.  When I asked why, he told me he’s dying.  It broke my heart as I reassured him he’s not dying.

When we left, the Paediatric nurses gave Adam a teddy bear, which is actually a grey elephant with a lot of hair (who he named Super Hair) and a bag full of goodies.  These were all supplied by the Starlight Children’s Foundation.  Please click the graphic to view their site.
He’s doing okay now but has a referral to see an ENT to have his tonsils removed, and is being tested for sleep apnea.  He still has a bit of a sore throat, but he’s doing great and was even excited to get back to school.
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The next thing I’d like to write about today is October 15th and what it represents.
October 15th of every year is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  This is a day when all parents and families of angel babies come together to remember their children and honor the other angel babies.
We light a candle at 7pm (in all time zones) to have a candle burning for our babies throughout the entire 24 hour day.  A light constantly shines for them.
I have been having a very hard time dealing with this this year, I can’t figure out why.  My heart aches.  Actually yesterday, my abdomen was in a lot of pain.  Empty womb syndrome. :/  I miss my babies.  There are so many what if’s and how come’s.  To think of the ages my angels would be…  The oldest would be 15 years old had I not miscarried.
I do hope if you knew of this day, you lit your candles to honor those gone too soon.

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