Is it over?

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It has been yet another year “nearly” since the last time I’ve been in here.
I need this as an outlet right now though.  Actually, I should’ve came back 6 months ago.

I was doing counselling through the University here, the students doing their practicum.  It turned out to be a horrible experience.  Well, not horrible, but she was encouraging the emotional affair I had had.  So wrong.  I stopped going, as did hubby.  She was talking about his mom, nothing else.

We separated for a while after that, after we moved.  It wasn’t long, only about a month or 6 weeks.  But when we got back together, he was everything I’d ever hoped for.  It was amazing.  In my mind though, I couldn’t help but feel like it was a show, so I kept him at a distance.  I was afraid to get close to him again, but I did, eventually, and things were great!  Unfortunately, as time went on, he slowly stopped doing things, and started to be angry with me again over nothing.  He was still far from being the ass he was before, but I still felt it.

We had our 11th wedding anniversary (and 17 years together) on August 6th.  At the end of August, everything changed.  He came home from work one day and just seemed off.  After so long together, I can read him pretty clearly.  His facial expressions, his movements, his eyes and their movements, the tone in his voice and the words he uses.  He seemed like he wasn’t telling me something.  I didn’t know if it was a good thing or a bad thing but considering we had been arguing again, I figured it couldn’t be good.  He swore there was nothing and we went to bed.  When he got home the next day, we went for a drive and he said he had something to tell me.  I said “are you sleeping with someone else?”  Huge grin on his face and he said “no, but…”

He had gotten an email from this woman and had planned to have an affair with her, but because I could tell something was wrong, he decided to tell me what was going on.  From then on, he pushed for a triad. (a 3 person relationship)  My answer was always no.  So then he pushed for an open marriage (married but allowed to sleep with other people) which I of course said no to, at first.  I ended up giving in when I thought I was going to lose him.  He went to meet her in the parking lot at the theater.  He grabbed two condoms and left.  It was heartwrenching.  She ended up not showing up.

The whole time, he’s complimenting me, telling me how I’m his everything and how much he loves me and wants to be with me, blah blah blah.  Even our sex life changed, which turns out was because of her telling him what she liked.  He then drops a bomb on me and says he’s done with us.  He said he couldn’t stand the thought of me with another man (though I hadn’t planned to see any other men), so he wanted out because he wanted to hook up with her.
Turned out that she was fake.  Then he wanted to stay.  All the apologies in the world after that.

He still wanted the open marriage, so we talked to other people but for me personally, it isn’t what I wanted.  I don’t need that.  That wasn’t working well, so he decided swinging would be best. (couples swapping)  On to that.  We met a couple and her and I turned into too good of friends to do anything that could possibly jeopardize our friendship.
Back to an open marriage.  He was talking to another woman and crossed the lines.  No dates.  He asked her for coffee, and then asked her to burlesque with him, which is our monthly date night.
I told him we need to stop and get our marriage back on track, he agreed.

A couple weeks later, he got a message from another woman.  This is a couple weeks before Christmas.  He asked me if it was okay and I looked at him like he was stupid.  It had only been a couple weeks and we hadn’t talked about anything.  At all.  A week goes by of him telling me he’s going to stop.
January comes and he almost went to have an affair with her.
End of January/very beginning of February, he’s telling me, yet again, that he wants to leave me to go hook up.  I told him to go this time…but he changed his mind.

Saturday, a week ago, we went to burlesque.  We saw a bunch of the people we met at a party while doing the “swinging” thing. (No, neither of us hooked up with anyone)  I asked if we could go sit with them, but he had a bit of a fit and said he wanted it to be just us, which I found ridiculous because we were sitting there in silence.  One of the girls came over and asked why we didn’t join them, then another, and then the girl who he had tried to date.  After she came over, he wanted to go join them.  Go figure.  After the burlesque show, they all asked if we were going to head to the gala with them.  Bars of any kind aren’t his thing.  Never have been, so when he said yes, I automatically thought the reason was her.  We got there and didn’t see anyone.  He grabbed his phone and asked me if he wanted me to text her, I asked who, and he said her name.  I didn’t realize he kept her number.  He has her number and the most recents number.
Anyway, he stared at her the whole night and when I said I was going to go get a drink, he damn near pushed me back into my seat and took off for the line.  She was waiting in line.  He ended up standing there talking to her for a good 15 minutes or so, comes back over and tried to put his hands all over me.  Yeah right, buddy!

I’m doing my best to get past everything, but I just can’t.  He’s expecting me just to move on and put it behind me, but I have no trust in him.  How could I?  The trust was compromised the very first time!  He can’t take this back and can’t make it better.
Tomorrow, we’re supposed to start marriage counselling.  $105 per session, going to need financial counselling after this too!  But this is the last straw for me.  If this doesn’t help with something, with anything, I’m out.  I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t stand feeling like this and never once have I been a crazy jealous person and now?  I’m ridiculous.  I’m back to not recognizing myself.  I hate that somehow I keep ending up in this situation, having this stranger staring back at me in the mirror.  I’m still not allowed out by myself and he doesn’t lift a damn finger at home.  I can barely get him to bring his dish to the sink, never mind rinse it out…or lift the toilet seat!

I’m just so lost right now.

It’s been a year since I last wrote

So much has changed.  I have changed.
In fact, I’m unrecognizable these days, especially to myself.

Let’s start with my very last post regarding breast cancer.
I went in to see the specialist who said it was nothing.  Strangest thing.  It didn’t show up on the ultrasound or anything, yet you could feel them with your fingers.  I still can; they’re still there.  I’m keeping an eye on them just in case they start to get bigger.  Cancer scares me a bit given my family history and the people I’ve lost to it.

It was a tough year last year.  Tom and I went through a lot.  Though it was slightly better where we were staying, it was still very tough.  We had our 10th wedding anniversary on August 6th.  We had dinner reservations, a hotel booked and planned to go to a movie.  His cousin was getting married the weekend we had that planned, of course we went.  I brought my camera to get some extra experience.  Unfortunately, Tom ended up drunk.  We had to stay at his other cousins house after he wanted to drive home drunk with the kids in the car.  That was obviously not okay with me!  So that hurt to say the least.

We moved into an apartment the 1st of October.  Shortly after that, I met a lady who lived on the bottom floor with her 3 sons.  We have become very good friends, as are our children.  I started to spend a lot of time with her and then it was like the fog cleared from my brain and I was finally able to see what exactly Tom had been doing to me over the past 16 years.  All the words, the actions, the control, the gas lighting, etc.  It was having a strong, confident friend that made me realize he was treating me like I was worthless.

I got angry.  By angry, I don’t mean yell about it and take some time to breathe.  I mean angry like treating him like complete shit, not staying home and simply not caring at all about his wants and needs.  At this point, he started changing his ways and is who I needed him to be when we started this relationship.  He’s caring, he listens, he’s helpful, thoughtful, etc.  But regardless of all this, I couldn’t help but be that angry with him.  How could he do that to me?  How dare he show our kids that that was a normal, healthy marriage?!

The end of October, I started talking to another man.  We had met by showing him and his girlfriend our house that we’re selling.
Anyway, it was just friends.  We had coffee a couple times.  We spoke all the time though.  All the time as in from about 8am to anywhere between 2-4pm on and off while he was at work, 5 days a week.  We formed quite the friendship and of course, feelings formed there.  More strongly for me than for him.  He says he cares about me more than he should, but I think I might have fallen for him a little bit.  Which was never my intention.

We last spoke at the end of December, and it was heartbreaking.  I can’t believe how sad I was to have lost someone who wasn’t mine to begin with!  We hadn’t spoken since the end of November but closer to Christmas, we spoke for 2 days.  The last day, he had text me and we talked about our feelings and how we needed to stop.
The next day, Tom went into my phone and saw texts between him and I.  I will not get into detail about what things he read, but it was enough to give him the thought that I was sleeping with the other guy.

He kept saying he doesn’t want to lose me and he wants to make it work.  It actually felt good to see him fall apart on the kitchen floor.  I know that sounds completely bitchy, but it showed me that he really did care about me.  Rather than kicking me out, he dropped and cried and even hugged me as he cried hard.  I feel like I at least owe him the chance for us to right our wrongs.

My problem is that I honestly don’t know if I can get over the past.  And now he doesn’t trust me.  He goes through my facebook, my texts, the call display on the phone, etc.  He doesn’t want me going out with anyone which triggers memories of the past.  He’s so clingy now too.  It’s like he needs to have a hand on me at all times; my knee, hand, something.  I’m used to getting the cold shoulder, for years, so now I feel smothered.

I’m just not sure how to deal with all this.  I can tell you one thing, I’m never going to be that weak person I was before.  He may not like me going out but I’m not about to be his prisoner again.  If I didn’t want to try, I wouldn’t have stayed!  I also still care about the other guy and I have no idea how to turn off those emotions.  Don’t really want to say much about him.  He has a girlfriend, we said we wouldn’t leave our spouses for each other, especially considering this was all accidental to begin with.  Besides, if I were to leave, it would be to be on my own, not to jump into another relationship.

I’m trying really hard to figure out who I am, get to know myself because I don’t.  I’ve been too busy trying to be who Tom wants me to be that I’ve completely lost myself.

We’re moving at the end of the month.  This apartment is just too small for the 4 of us.  It’s supposed to be our new start.  We’ll see how this goes I guess.
We’re both going to start individual counselling, and move to marriage counselling after that.
Besides that, I’m going to go back to school!

Lonely + Drama

First of all, my son is still sick.  I took him for his appointment on Tuesday to get the referral to the ENT for the tonsillectomy.  At that time, he was diagnosed with Croup and given a prescription for more Dexamethasone.  Just doesn’t seem to end for him.  He also lost a tooth on Halloween night while he was asleep and ended up swallowing it.  It was his first tooth!  The second, beside it, will be out any day as well.  He turns 6 on the 16th.  I can’t believe how fast they’ve grown.  Tugs at my heart strings!

On the marriage front, there hasn’t been too much arguing or anything.  But there’s a reason for this.  He seems completely oblivious to us, to his surrounding except work.  He gets home, does his own thing, sometimes that’s out cutting wood and then on to the computer to play Minecraft, or straight to the computer, or sometimes he leaves to go to a buddy’s house.  It’s been hard for me, I feel so lonely.  All I do is sit here in my house, not allowed friends, so that’s out of the question.  Put bars on the windows and I have my own personal prison.  He was threatening to cut off the phone and internet (and TV, same bill) but he hasn’t yet.  I don’t drive, I live out of city limits.  This is a prison to me.  I never thought I’d be spending my married life alone.  I thought I would have this marriage with a loving husband, of course with some problems because in my opinion, a marriage isn’t healthy if there are absolutely no problems at all.  I thought we’d be able to communicate our problems to each other and talk about them to help resolve them.  I thought I’d have a happy marriage, but I don’t.  I don’t have any of that.  I have the marriage certificate and a wedding ring that I don’t even wear.  I’ve worn it a few days out of the past, I’d say a good year and a half.  That doesn’t bother him, he doesn’t even notice.  But it’s not like I go out anywhere alone, except to the doctor or dentist, etc.

Where hubby works, there’s also been a lot of drama going on.  He has always told me when someone gets hired and gives me his opinion on them.  Some good, that they’ll make a great addition, some negative, some that I understand why they’re negative after meeting them. :/  We were talking about work a couple days ago and he mentions this girls name.  I asked who she was and he said a girl that started recently in the office.  I figured maybe a couple weeks since I had never heard of her, but she’s been there a good 2 months!  Not only this, but she used to be a stripper, which I’m not holding against her, but I had stripper friends and well, there was nothing monogamous about them to say the least.  This “new” girl is already sleeping with 2 of the married men there and trying to sleep with a friend of mines husband.  Why must women throw their cat around at married men?  Why give them the option?  They’re married, they’ve made a dedicated commitment.  Hubby keeps saying she’s ugly and he doesn’t talk to her, and I do try hard to believe him, though I know he doesn’t think she’s ugly, at least her body.  I’m not hubby’s type.  I’m not skinny.  I’m not obese, but I’m about 30lbs heavier than I’d like to be for my 4’10” frame.  I’m not fat, I’m fluffy.  She is thin, the type of woman he likes.  In fact, when hubby and I met, he told me if I had been 20lbs heavier, he wouldn’t have went out with me.  I was 118lbs then compared to the 135 – 140lbs I can’t seem to get below and keep bouncing to and from.  Makes me insecure.  He’s not attracted to me and that shows in our non existent sex life…our non existent marriage in general.  The fact that he didn’t tell me she was hired has me curious to know if he’s maybe hiding something.  Especially since his sex drive has dropped the past couple months or so.

His work is having a Christmas party next month and I’m honestly afraid of what could happen.  I’m not a violent person.  I admit I used to fight a lot as a teen, but I’ve grown up, I’m also not addicted to drugs anymore like I was back then.  However, when it comes to women sleeping with married men, I take it personally.  My friends slept with my hubby, though he was my boyfriend at the time.  I have never had a boyfriend who hasn’t cheated on me.  Regardless, it’s personal for me when someone comes in and attempts to ruin a happy home with children!  My poor friend there too, she’s having problems in her marriage like hubby and I do and this stupid girl is trying to sleep with her husband.  That is personal for me because she’s my friend.  She doesn’t deserve that, their son doesn’t deserve that!  So the Christmas party, I’m afraid shes going to hit on my friends hubby, or even my hubby and I won’t be able to control my anger.  I’ve been holding a lot of emotion in lately, I feel like a time bomb at this point.  I’m quiet and reserved, laid back for the most part.  I have no problem going with the flow to see how things turn out.  I’m good with finding positives in negative situations.  That’s me, it’s who I am.  Though the positive in this is knowing that perhaps there are a few husbands who’s wives can be freed of their bullshit and move on with their lives before the men bring home an STD or something.  The positive is knowing what the husband has done and being able to walk away from an unhealthy marriage.  On the other hand, would it happen if this girl didn’t try so hard to get together with these married men?

Like I was saying, I’m not violent, I’m quiet, etc.  However, I will not let people walk all over me or any friends I may have, even if I only get to talk to those friends online or at Christmas parties.  I may let hubby walk all over me, it’s a different situation though.  I’m afraid I will at the very least, make a big scene by telling her exactly what I think of her, what she’s doing, and tell her where to go and how to get there.  I’m more afraid I’ll hit her if she does try anything with my husband or my friends husband.  Don’t get me wrong, if they don’t push her away, she would be the last one I dealt with.  She is, after all, just another girl.  These men are married and should be able to control those urges.  If they can’t, that’s not this girls fault or problem.  I’m just worried this is all going to be a bad situation in general.  You know, thinking about it, if it were my husband and he didn’t push her away or something, I don’t think I’d bother doing anything.  I’m not sure my marriage is worth fighting for.  My friend on the other hand, she’s still fighting for hers.  I’m very protective of my friends and family, I can’t help myself.  I hate seeing people hurt!