Is it over?

pins

It has been yet another year “nearly” since the last time I’ve been in here.
I need this as an outlet right now though.  Actually, I should’ve came back 6 months ago.

I was doing counselling through the University here, the students doing their practicum.  It turned out to be a horrible experience.  Well, not horrible, but she was encouraging the emotional affair I had had.  So wrong.  I stopped going, as did hubby.  She was talking about his mom, nothing else.

We separated for a while after that, after we moved.  It wasn’t long, only about a month or 6 weeks.  But when we got back together, he was everything I’d ever hoped for.  It was amazing.  In my mind though, I couldn’t help but feel like it was a show, so I kept him at a distance.  I was afraid to get close to him again, but I did, eventually, and things were great!  Unfortunately, as time went on, he slowly stopped doing things, and started to be angry with me again over nothing.  He was still far from being the ass he was before, but I still felt it.

We had our 11th wedding anniversary (and 17 years together) on August 6th.  At the end of August, everything changed.  He came home from work one day and just seemed off.  After so long together, I can read him pretty clearly.  His facial expressions, his movements, his eyes and their movements, the tone in his voice and the words he uses.  He seemed like he wasn’t telling me something.  I didn’t know if it was a good thing or a bad thing but considering we had been arguing again, I figured it couldn’t be good.  He swore there was nothing and we went to bed.  When he got home the next day, we went for a drive and he said he had something to tell me.  I said “are you sleeping with someone else?”  Huge grin on his face and he said “no, but…”

He had gotten an email from this woman and had planned to have an affair with her, but because I could tell something was wrong, he decided to tell me what was going on.  From then on, he pushed for a triad. (a 3 person relationship)  My answer was always no.  So then he pushed for an open marriage (married but allowed to sleep with other people) which I of course said no to, at first.  I ended up giving in when I thought I was going to lose him.  He went to meet her in the parking lot at the theater.  He grabbed two condoms and left.  It was heartwrenching.  She ended up not showing up.

The whole time, he’s complimenting me, telling me how I’m his everything and how much he loves me and wants to be with me, blah blah blah.  Even our sex life changed, which turns out was because of her telling him what she liked.  He then drops a bomb on me and says he’s done with us.  He said he couldn’t stand the thought of me with another man (though I hadn’t planned to see any other men), so he wanted out because he wanted to hook up with her.
Turned out that she was fake.  Then he wanted to stay.  All the apologies in the world after that.

He still wanted the open marriage, so we talked to other people but for me personally, it isn’t what I wanted.  I don’t need that.  That wasn’t working well, so he decided swinging would be best. (couples swapping)  On to that.  We met a couple and her and I turned into too good of friends to do anything that could possibly jeopardize our friendship.
Back to an open marriage.  He was talking to another woman and crossed the lines.  No dates.  He asked her for coffee, and then asked her to burlesque with him, which is our monthly date night.
I told him we need to stop and get our marriage back on track, he agreed.

A couple weeks later, he got a message from another woman.  This is a couple weeks before Christmas.  He asked me if it was okay and I looked at him like he was stupid.  It had only been a couple weeks and we hadn’t talked about anything.  At all.  A week goes by of him telling me he’s going to stop.
January comes and he almost went to have an affair with her.
End of January/very beginning of February, he’s telling me, yet again, that he wants to leave me to go hook up.  I told him to go this time…but he changed his mind.

Saturday, a week ago, we went to burlesque.  We saw a bunch of the people we met at a party while doing the “swinging” thing. (No, neither of us hooked up with anyone)  I asked if we could go sit with them, but he had a bit of a fit and said he wanted it to be just us, which I found ridiculous because we were sitting there in silence.  One of the girls came over and asked why we didn’t join them, then another, and then the girl who he had tried to date.  After she came over, he wanted to go join them.  Go figure.  After the burlesque show, they all asked if we were going to head to the gala with them.  Bars of any kind aren’t his thing.  Never have been, so when he said yes, I automatically thought the reason was her.  We got there and didn’t see anyone.  He grabbed his phone and asked me if he wanted me to text her, I asked who, and he said her name.  I didn’t realize he kept her number.  He has her number and the most recents number.
Anyway, he stared at her the whole night and when I said I was going to go get a drink, he damn near pushed me back into my seat and took off for the line.  She was waiting in line.  He ended up standing there talking to her for a good 15 minutes or so, comes back over and tried to put his hands all over me.  Yeah right, buddy!

I’m doing my best to get past everything, but I just can’t.  He’s expecting me just to move on and put it behind me, but I have no trust in him.  How could I?  The trust was compromised the very first time!  He can’t take this back and can’t make it better.
Tomorrow, we’re supposed to start marriage counselling.  $105 per session, going to need financial counselling after this too!  But this is the last straw for me.  If this doesn’t help with something, with anything, I’m out.  I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t stand feeling like this and never once have I been a crazy jealous person and now?  I’m ridiculous.  I’m back to not recognizing myself.  I hate that somehow I keep ending up in this situation, having this stranger staring back at me in the mirror.  I’m still not allowed out by myself and he doesn’t lift a damn finger at home.  I can barely get him to bring his dish to the sink, never mind rinse it out…or lift the toilet seat!

I’m just so lost right now.

2nd entry of the day – Regarding my husband

Due to my grandparents birthdays, and my grandpas angel date coming up, I’ve been pretty anti-social.  I tend to avoid the phone, and even avoid conversations online with my online friends.  I also get very depressed and emotional.  This is normal for me though.  My husband isn’t helping at all.
He had all last week off work, he took his weeks holiday.  It was a terrible week.  Between yelling at the kids and I, getting drunk, and being out until all hours of the night, the kids didn’t even get to say good night to him.  That is one of my biggest pet peeves, that he doesn’t put the kids first.  I don’t care where I am on that list, but the kids deserve to be first priority, regardless.  Last week, Adam was home from school too with the double pink eye which ended up so bad he was crying blood.  Not once did he even get him a tissue or a warm wet cloth for his eyes.  He didn’t give him his medicine once.  Adam was waking at least 3 times a night asking for a cloth because his eyes were glued shut from the gunk which seemed more like a cement mix.  I have insomnia, and once I wake up, it normally takes at least an hour to fall back to sleep again.  Then I’m up at 6:45am to get the kids ready for school.  Tom was walking Grace to the bus last week, which I did appreciate, but he couldn’t make her lunch and let Adam and I sleep in a bit.  I had to wake him up, and once he was back home, he would go back to sleep.

Tuesday this week, Tom came home from work and immediately started yelling at the kids and I for any reason he could find.  I told him to leave, but he kept yelling.  I don’t think he heard me.  Finally he said “maybe I should just leave!”  And I replied “yes, that would be nice!”  He left but only for an hour and a half.  He didn’t even say bye to the kids.  Poor Adam was crying his little eyes out.  When Tom got home, I tried explaining that the kids and I, we don’t deserve to live this way.  We didn’t do anything wrong.  In fact, he wouldn’t know what had went on that day because he was too angry with one of the guys at work to see anything else.  It’s hard to keep doing this and the kids obviously don’t deserve it!  He did end up saying he knows we don’t deserve it, but that actually frustrated me even more simply because it happens so often.  If he knows, why doesn’t he try to change it?  Does he want to push us out?  Every time I’ve mentioned leaving, he says he will not want to see the kids, would rather go to jail than pay child support, he’ll leave the country, or will commit suicide.  In fact, the week before last, he came home from work talking about shooting himself in the head, loud enough that both kids heard him in the bedroom.  He kept talking about killing himself to get away from the stress.  I handed him a knife and pretty much told him to shut up and do it.  The suicide talk is getting old.  The kids though, they asked me why he wanted to shoot himself in the head.  Very disappointed and angry with Tom for having even said that knowing there are kids in the house!

That entry I had written, I think it’s the third or fourth one back, about the stripper who started working where hubby works and is sleeping with all these married men there, and is trying to sleep with my friends husband.  Chrissy.  If you haven’t read that entry, hubby always tells me who gets hired or fired, who gets in trouble, etc etc.  I’m his work outlet. :/  Anyway, one day, he started talking about a girl named Chrissy at work.  He said she had been there for a couple months when I asked.  A couple months and he had never mentioned her name.  Yesterday he comes home and it’s Chrissy this and Chrissy that.  I said he sure seems to have her on his mind a lot and he just giggled.  Tom has cheated on me before, so I’ll never trust him 100%.  However, he’s never been in a situation where someone’s throwing her cat all over the place.  Another thing is that she was a stripper.  She’s thin, not ugly, but not my type personally.  But the skinniness is definitely hubby’s type and I’m not skinny.  I’m not obese or anything, but skinny I am not.  He has told me I need to lose weight before, a bunch of times, I know his feelings on my weight, and I know his type.  Hasn’t changed since he was a teenager.
I suppose the positive side is that if he were to have an affair, it would give me that push I need to get the hell out of this prison I call home!

Lonely + Drama

First of all, my son is still sick.  I took him for his appointment on Tuesday to get the referral to the ENT for the tonsillectomy.  At that time, he was diagnosed with Croup and given a prescription for more Dexamethasone.  Just doesn’t seem to end for him.  He also lost a tooth on Halloween night while he was asleep and ended up swallowing it.  It was his first tooth!  The second, beside it, will be out any day as well.  He turns 6 on the 16th.  I can’t believe how fast they’ve grown.  Tugs at my heart strings!

On the marriage front, there hasn’t been too much arguing or anything.  But there’s a reason for this.  He seems completely oblivious to us, to his surrounding except work.  He gets home, does his own thing, sometimes that’s out cutting wood and then on to the computer to play Minecraft, or straight to the computer, or sometimes he leaves to go to a buddy’s house.  It’s been hard for me, I feel so lonely.  All I do is sit here in my house, not allowed friends, so that’s out of the question.  Put bars on the windows and I have my own personal prison.  He was threatening to cut off the phone and internet (and TV, same bill) but he hasn’t yet.  I don’t drive, I live out of city limits.  This is a prison to me.  I never thought I’d be spending my married life alone.  I thought I would have this marriage with a loving husband, of course with some problems because in my opinion, a marriage isn’t healthy if there are absolutely no problems at all.  I thought we’d be able to communicate our problems to each other and talk about them to help resolve them.  I thought I’d have a happy marriage, but I don’t.  I don’t have any of that.  I have the marriage certificate and a wedding ring that I don’t even wear.  I’ve worn it a few days out of the past, I’d say a good year and a half.  That doesn’t bother him, he doesn’t even notice.  But it’s not like I go out anywhere alone, except to the doctor or dentist, etc.

Where hubby works, there’s also been a lot of drama going on.  He has always told me when someone gets hired and gives me his opinion on them.  Some good, that they’ll make a great addition, some negative, some that I understand why they’re negative after meeting them. :/  We were talking about work a couple days ago and he mentions this girls name.  I asked who she was and he said a girl that started recently in the office.  I figured maybe a couple weeks since I had never heard of her, but she’s been there a good 2 months!  Not only this, but she used to be a stripper, which I’m not holding against her, but I had stripper friends and well, there was nothing monogamous about them to say the least.  This “new” girl is already sleeping with 2 of the married men there and trying to sleep with a friend of mines husband.  Why must women throw their cat around at married men?  Why give them the option?  They’re married, they’ve made a dedicated commitment.  Hubby keeps saying she’s ugly and he doesn’t talk to her, and I do try hard to believe him, though I know he doesn’t think she’s ugly, at least her body.  I’m not hubby’s type.  I’m not skinny.  I’m not obese, but I’m about 30lbs heavier than I’d like to be for my 4’10” frame.  I’m not fat, I’m fluffy.  She is thin, the type of woman he likes.  In fact, when hubby and I met, he told me if I had been 20lbs heavier, he wouldn’t have went out with me.  I was 118lbs then compared to the 135 – 140lbs I can’t seem to get below and keep bouncing to and from.  Makes me insecure.  He’s not attracted to me and that shows in our non existent sex life…our non existent marriage in general.  The fact that he didn’t tell me she was hired has me curious to know if he’s maybe hiding something.  Especially since his sex drive has dropped the past couple months or so.

His work is having a Christmas party next month and I’m honestly afraid of what could happen.  I’m not a violent person.  I admit I used to fight a lot as a teen, but I’ve grown up, I’m also not addicted to drugs anymore like I was back then.  However, when it comes to women sleeping with married men, I take it personally.  My friends slept with my hubby, though he was my boyfriend at the time.  I have never had a boyfriend who hasn’t cheated on me.  Regardless, it’s personal for me when someone comes in and attempts to ruin a happy home with children!  My poor friend there too, she’s having problems in her marriage like hubby and I do and this stupid girl is trying to sleep with her husband.  That is personal for me because she’s my friend.  She doesn’t deserve that, their son doesn’t deserve that!  So the Christmas party, I’m afraid shes going to hit on my friends hubby, or even my hubby and I won’t be able to control my anger.  I’ve been holding a lot of emotion in lately, I feel like a time bomb at this point.  I’m quiet and reserved, laid back for the most part.  I have no problem going with the flow to see how things turn out.  I’m good with finding positives in negative situations.  That’s me, it’s who I am.  Though the positive in this is knowing that perhaps there are a few husbands who’s wives can be freed of their bullshit and move on with their lives before the men bring home an STD or something.  The positive is knowing what the husband has done and being able to walk away from an unhealthy marriage.  On the other hand, would it happen if this girl didn’t try so hard to get together with these married men?

Like I was saying, I’m not violent, I’m quiet, etc.  However, I will not let people walk all over me or any friends I may have, even if I only get to talk to those friends online or at Christmas parties.  I may let hubby walk all over me, it’s a different situation though.  I’m afraid I will at the very least, make a big scene by telling her exactly what I think of her, what she’s doing, and tell her where to go and how to get there.  I’m more afraid I’ll hit her if she does try anything with my husband or my friends husband.  Don’t get me wrong, if they don’t push her away, she would be the last one I dealt with.  She is, after all, just another girl.  These men are married and should be able to control those urges.  If they can’t, that’s not this girls fault or problem.  I’m just worried this is all going to be a bad situation in general.  You know, thinking about it, if it were my husband and he didn’t push her away or something, I don’t think I’d bother doing anything.  I’m not sure my marriage is worth fighting for.  My friend on the other hand, she’s still fighting for hers.  I’m very protective of my friends and family, I can’t help myself.  I hate seeing people hurt!