Admitting how I feel/breaking his heart

I missed my counseling appointment on Tuesday.  I have rebooked for next Tuesday.  It’ll be my first appointment.  Tom had his first yesterday.  We were talking after that and he wanted the truth about how I feel, so I told him.  I told him the truth which was hard for me and I’m sure much harder for him.

I told him that I’m pretty sure I was starting to fall in love with the other guy.  He was questioning why I was still hung up on it.  That’s why.  I also told him that I’m not sure I’m in love with him anymore.  I love him, don’t get me wrong.  I will always love him.  I’m just not sure I’m in love with him.

I think when I went through whatever I went through in October, when I stopped caring and was so angry at him, maybe I stopped then.  Or maybe I never actually did and had been “in love” with the idea of making him into a better person; fixing him.  Now that he is, it’s just too late or something.  I’m trying my best to fall back in love with him.  He’s being such a great husband now.  He’s being everything I’ve hoped he’d be, so I’m confused.  I guess just the 16 years of trying.  I’m not sure.  But there’s also the other guy and I do have some very strong feelings for that man that I can’t seem to push aside.

Some of the last things he said to me go through my mind often.  “I’ll miss you…”  “It would be impossible to forget you.”  “I have feelings for you.”  And then the hard things that we talked about too, like not being able to talk to each other because we have feelings for each other, and that we’d never leave our spouses for each other.

Him and I can’t be together and even if I left Tom and he left his girl, it just wouldn’t be a good thing I think, to have a relationship based on an emotional affair.  Maybe I’m wrong, no idea.  But I also don’t know if I should stay here with my husband not being in love with him.  We talk, we get along and all that stuff, that’s not a problem.  But the “in love” part is missing on my part.  I need to at least give him a chance and try.  I feel like I owe him that and also for the kids.  At the same time, what I wanted when I was 14 when we got together, isn’t what I want now.  And the past is hard to get over too.  The feelings of the words are still there.  I’m still affected by them.

I really need to talk to the counselor.  I need to try to figure out my crap and I’m hoping she can help me with it .  I just don’t know what to do.  I feel like Tom deserves better than me now.  I told him he shouldn’t be comforting me while my heart aches over another guy and he said if that’s what it takes for me to stay, he wants to do it.  He deserves better than me.

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Counseling & abuse effects on children – Advice Please!

After a week of calling twice and having them tell me they’d return my call, I finally heard back from the Community Counseling Center.  Tom and I have been trying to get in with them since the beginning of the month!  We were originally going to go with a licensed professional, but at $100 plus taxes every week, we just can’t afford that.  Plus I wanted individual counseling as well.  We’ve been struggling financial as is and as importnant as I feel it is, it just wasn’t a possibility at this time.  I ended up calling the Northern Heath board and asking if they could point me in the right direction for free or cheap marriage counseling and she told me to call the Community Counseling Center.  This is run the the UNBC (University of Northern British Columbia) and is psychology students.  We’re both okay with that!  The students need to learn and we need the help.  It’s $10 per 1 hour session.  It’s a good start regardless in my opinion, and we have our intake appointments on Thursday next week.

I had recieved a call from my sons school on Wednesday.  I thought it was to confirm our meeting on Thursday but she said she wanted to talk about Adam and that she was concerned.  He has a weather and calendar booklet in his desk.  It’s a stapled together paper book and he doodles on it.  His teacher took a look at it on Wednesday and noticed some disturbing drawings.  I’ll also mention at home, adam doesn’t draw or colour what so ever, so to hear that he was doodling was quite a shock all on its own!

Here’s the picture:

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I hope you can make out the drawings.  There are a bunch of hearts crossed out, a broken heart, a tear drop and when asked about the drawing in the bottom left corner, he explained that it’s the gun  he used to commit suicide and that’s his grave.
The school psychologist was at the meeting yesterday who said it isn’t normal for kids his age (8) to know what death is and what not.  He does though.  We’ve had some people pass away as well as some animals.  In order to help him cope, I told him Heaven and Rainbow Bridge is where our souls go until we’re all back together again.  That it’s never goodbye, it’s just see you later.  And that helped him, both my kids.  Not only this, but my mom is on the transplant list for lungs.  If something were to happen to her, I need him to have that belief that it’s only a temporary goodbye.  They are too young and innocent to believe anything else.  as for knowing about suicide and what not, he watches a lot of youtube which now has a filter on it, as does the entire computer.

So when he got home from school Wednesday, I had Grace play in the livingroom and I spoke to Adam in private.  He said he’s in pain all the time; his brain, his hands…  I asked if it had anything to do with his favorite song Pain by Three Days Grace.  He said no but that ever since he heard it, he’s always in pain.  Okay, possibly fabricated a little bit.  But then I asked about the broken hearts and he got a bit teary and said “I hate the way Hun blames you for everything.”  Yes, they caught on to calling him hun, because I do.  I’ve tried to get them to call him dad, doesn’t work.  I asked about the arguing and what not and he said that makes him want to commit suicide and go to Heaven.

I can’t help but feel responsible.  That by feeling so stuck and trapped and unable to leave in the past, that I stayed with all the emotional, mental and verbal abuse and the kids were around it, that I’ve fucked up my children for lack of better words.  They heard and saw so much go on, they felt so much!  Tom was driving them to school the other day and they were blaming him for everything.  I can’t say it was all him, I’m no where near perfect myself, but they see what they see.  He would come home and as soon as he’d walk through the door, was angry at me.  Or he wouldn’t come home until late and those nights, all the kids wanted was to say goodnight to him.  But he’d be too busy out drinking and they’d cry and ask why he didn’t love them.  I’d have to explain that he was just going through some things…  Always made excuses for him but I think it’s important for the kids.  Too young for grown up problems.

There was just so so much that they were there for and now, I’m not sure what to do!
I could sure use some advice right now!

Separation & court

its-really-hard-to-decide-when-youre-too-tired-to-hold-on-yet-youre-too-in-love-to-let-go

Well, I’m not too sure where to start.  My life has been extremely stressful and I feel it physically.  Even taking the time to write this, just thinking about everything is giving me a headache.

So here’s what’s been happening here.
I turned 29 on the 29th of May.  Hubby came home and surprised me by taking me out for dinner at our favorite restaurant.  Yes, that was great.  However, the days, weeks, prior to that had been more terrible than wonderful.  He’s been spending a lot of time away from home (I have no idea where he ends up), has no regard for the kids or my feelings, comes home really late and drunk.  I’ve said it before to him, that it’s disrespectful and sure makes us feel like he doesn’t give a damn at all.

Long story short though, on the 30th, I had the support worker from Graces school drop Adam off for a visit at the school (he got to see his girlfriend!) so we could head down to the courthouse.
I filed for sole custody and guardianship, and placed a protection order for my kids simply because he has made the threat in the past that he’d take the kids to Yakima WA where his mom lives.  The protection order says he cannot leave BC without written and verbal consent, cannot pick up the kids at school etc without written and verbal consent, etc.
It was the first time I’ve had to admit out loud and to complete strangers that yes, my marriage is emotionally and verbally abusive.  I swear for cases like that, they should offer an Ativan.  I had to get the support worker (Kathleen) to write some of it, I was just too shaky.  I honestly thought I may have a heart attack, but I’m assuming it was just a big anxiety attack.

Once we left, she bought me a coffee and we went to hubby’s place of employment so Kathleen could serve him the papers.  I was so nervous I thought I might vomit.  It was horrid!  He didn’t come out though, which is what I was afraid of.  We went back to the school to pick up Adam, gave Grace a big hug, all that good stuff, and went home.
A couple of hours later, hubby asked why I still went to the courthouse, that he thought things were getting better and he’s confused.  Two good days in a row does not mean things have gotten better.  At all.

When he got home, he was extremely angry.  We came to the conclusion though that he was angry because he was hurt, and then the anger stopped.  I gave him an option though.  No pressure to him for it, it’s completely his choice.  I know his opinion on counsellors and what not, it hasn’t changed in the 15 years we’ve been together.  They put words in your mouth, they do more harm than good, etc.  Bottom line, that he would never again go see one.  He went through anger management two or three times before we met and I guess had a terrible experience.  I have tried to explain to him counselling isn’t like anger management, especially between youth and adults.  Things are different.  He wouldn’t accept that answer though.  Anyway, he has decided to go to counselling through the John Howard Society, through the S.T.O.P program. (Stop Taking It Out On Your Partner).  I figured if he’s actually willing, I’m going to make sure it counts, that this counsellor is going to understand situations like ours etc.  I’m also going to start seeing Cindy again at the Elizabeth Fry Society for abused women.  If hubby is willing to try, I am too and I know I’m far from perfect, I’ll do my part too.  I need to learn how to place boundaries and see what exactly is abuse compared to just having a bad day and what not.  Plus, I have yet to deal with a lot of things from the past.

Last night, he came home at 11:30pm completely drunk and ended up spending half the night on the bathroom floor.  It’s things like that I just can’t handle.  It’s disrespectful to me and to the kids.  It’s also a lot more than that, such as brushing off anything I see as a problem, or all my feelings in general.  But then again, his grandma (who raised him) told me straight out the other day that she didn’t have time for him when he was growing up so she just gave him money.  At least I know there’s a reason behind his actions and I do have a little hope the counselling will help.  But!  In order to know that he wants to try and he’s not just saying his constant empty words, I’m going to ask him to call and book the appointment.  He can start making an effort and showing me he’s all in by doing that, by going completely out of his comfort zone.  If he won’t, than I at least know where we stand.  That’s actually the advice from Kathleen.

Kathleen is the one who I thought was pressuring me to keep Adam in school in January.  I still feel like she was, but I quite like her now.  I’m very comfortable with her and can talk to her.  She has also offered to take me to the appointments at E. Fry and Adam can spend that hour at the school with his friends.

At this point, I haven’t cancelled the court date yet, which is the 19th.  I’m still on the fence.  I need to see some effort before then.  Actions speak louder than words and his actions just confirm my reasons for wanting to leave.

So there you have it, my current life situation in a few paragraphs.

Psychological Outcomes From Abuse

To start off, I’m going to say it’s 1:30am and here I am awake, as usual.  I have had another bad night with my husband.  We were fighting though he didn’t call me names this time or tell me I’m a useless burden, he still said hurtful words.  It was calm for a bit, no words were spoken.  I broke the silence by asking if he could put the cushions back on the car seats because I was struggling with them.  They have been sitting in the kitchen for weeks now.  He said he was going to give them to a buddy at work.  His reply was that he would get around to it one of these days.  That made me angry, so I was going to put them away.  Somewhere other than in the kitchen at least.  He ended up getting up off the couch (he was laying there while I was cleaning), storming across the floor, taking both car seats and all the cushions and threw it all out the living room window.   Great, now I get to clean them up from my yard too! 😦

Okay, what I wanted to get into though, was emotional/psychological/verbal abuse causing things like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Acute Stress Disorder (or Reaction).
I’ve been reading that it’s not that common, but it does happen.  I was reading what someone who was experiencing PTSD was going through and it started to hit home a bit.  I went to MayoClinic and took a look at the symptom list, which is as follows:

Post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms are generally grouped into three types: intrusive memories, avoidance and numbing, and increased anxiety or emotional arousal (hyperarousal).

Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:

  • Flashbacks, or reliving the traumatic event for minutes or even days at a time
  • Upsetting dreams about the traumatic event

Symptoms of avoidance and emotional numbing may include:

  • Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
  • Feeling emotionally numb
  • Avoiding activities you once enjoyed
  • Hopelessness about the future
  • Memory problems
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Difficulty maintaining close relationships

Symptoms of anxiety and increased emotional arousal may include:

  • Irritability or anger
  • Overwhelming guilt or shame
  • Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Being easily startled or frightened
  • Hearing or seeing things that aren’t there

I have made the symptoms I currently experience are italic.  This is bad.  The flashbacks I get do not last days, but they last long enough to upset me.  It’s not seeing the events in my head, it’s hearing the words spoken to me/screamed at me.  This is one reason I can’t sleep.  I also have nightmares of my children dying…all the time.  I wake up in tears more nights than I don’t.  I think it has something to do with wanting to keep them safe though.  I’ve started sleeping with an Amethyst to ward off the bad dreams, it has been helping, thank Goddess!  The activity thing, well that’s been since the beginning, since he told me I wasn’t allowed friends.  My life was drained I guess.  My memory is shot.  I can barely remember what someone says minutes after they say it.  I mess up making coffee a lot of mornings; no filter, no coffee, no water, etc.  I actually forgot to put the pot back under a few times.  Irritability and anger.  Check!  I’m even irritable with my kids which makes me really upset, and then I feel guilty.  I do my best just to go take a 2 minute breather though.  It helps.  My nerves are also shot.  I am extremely jumpy.  For example, I got scared of a frog yesterday; the tiny little noise beside me.  When hubby comes home from work, when he opens the door, I jump damn near 10 feet.  Even if I know he’s on his way, I still jump.  My heart beats super hard and fast.  It’s terrible.  The hearing things and seeing things has increased.  Please do not think I’m crazy here.  This has been happening since I was a little girl.  Seeing visions and hearing people, having prophetic dreams, etc.  It’s a gift.  (Speaking of which, after dinner the other night, I was thinking to myself that my teeth felt gross and I should brush them.  My son who was still eating at the table turns to me and asks me why I want to brush my teeth!  It runs in the family!)  However, what I’m seeing and hearing is different.  This has been happening since I was young.  I believe since my great grandfather molested me.  More so after a family friend molested me and after my dad tried to kill me. (This is when I ended up in seclusion on the psych ward of the hospital.)  I was tested for Schizophrenia among a number of other things.

I’d also like to add the “When To See A Doctor” bit as well:

It’s normal to have a wide range of feelings and emotions after a traumatic event. You might experience fear and anxiety, a lack of focus, sadness, changes in how well you sleep or how much you eat, or crying spells that catch you off guard. You may have nightmares or be unable to stop thinking about the event. This doesn’t mean you have post-traumatic stress disorder.

But if you have these disturbing thoughts and feelings for more than a month, if they’re severe, or if you feel you’re having trouble getting your life back under control, talk to your health care professional. Getting treatment as soon as possible can help prevent PTSD symptoms from getting worse.

In some cases, post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms may be so severe that you need emergency help, especially if you’re thinking about harming yourself or someone else. If this happens, call 911 or other emergency medical service, or ask a supportive family member or friend for help.


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The “Honeymoon” Phase of the Abusive Relationship

Reconciliation Stage

In the reconciliation stage, the abuser apologizes for harming his victim, is overly affectionate and caring, or chooses to ignore the incidents of abuse or blame them on the victim in some way. These events are often classified as the honeymoon phase. In this stage, the abuser will make it seem as though the violence is finished, assuring the victim that such incidents will never occur again or that the abuser will change. The abuser often feels overwhelming emotions of sadness and remorse, or at least he pretends to. Some abusers even threaten suicide to prevent the victim from leaving. Most abusers shower victims with love, purchasing them expensive gifts and treating them with extra kindness.

Calm Stage

The calm stage is thought to be an extension of the reconciliation stage. During the calm stage, the abuser tries really hard to be kind to the victim and does his best to restrain himself from harming this person. The abusive relationship becomes relatively peaceful and calm during this phase, which often convinces the victim that the abuser has indeed changed. Conflicts inevitably arise, however, which lead again into the tension-building stage of the relationship.

Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/100480-four-stages-abusive-relationship/#ixzz2e9MzsI6r

Yes, I do believe this is where my husband and I have been for the past few weeks.  Or somewhere around this phase of the pattern at least since he has blown up a couple of times since the initial blow up causing the creation of this blog.  However, they weren’t nearly as bad as the initial blow up.  Normally, it doesn’t go this long without more blow ups that this, so this is new for me.  I also feel like it’s a terrible thing.  I’m much more confident to leave when he’s being mean that having him be nice to me.  It’s times like this that I change my mind about leaving.  It’s the false hope I end up with from the “nice guy” phase he’s in right now.  I hate this phase.  I feel so much love and passion for him when he’s like this, and it seems he does too.  He appreciates me and it feels like he cares.  But deep inside, I know the truth and in all honesty, I’ve been waiting for the storm to hit since a few days after the last big one.

I did come across a song that really hit home.  Actually, it hit home so much that it felt like it was my words; my story.  So I’d like to share that.

Home by Sheryl Crow

I woke up this morning and now I understand
What it means to give your life to just one man
Afraid of feeling nothing, no bees or butterflies
My head is full of voices and my house is full of lies

This is home, home
And this is home, home
This is home

I saw him standing there when I was seventeen
Now I’m thirty-two and I can’t remember what I’d seen in you
When I made a promise, said it everyday
Now I’m reading romance novels and I’m dreaming of yesterday

This is home, home
And this is home and this is home
This is home

I’d like to see The Riviera
And slow dance underneath the stars
I’d like to watch the sun come up
In a stranger’s arms

And this is home, home
And this is home, home
Home, home

I’m going crazy a little every day
And everything I wanted is now driving me away
I woke this morning to the sound of breaking hearts
Mine is full of questions and it’s tearing yours apart, tearing yours apart
And it’s tearing yours apart, it’s tearing yours apart
And it’s tearing us apart

 

 

Answering A Question Regarding My Abuser…My Husband

I have a couple of things to write about tonight. 🙂

A Group Application

I applied to join a private group on a website today.  This group is based around domestic abuse and offer a lot of support.  However, I hadn’t done anything with my privacy settings, so everything was public. (I did fix this issue)  The Admin sent me a message though asking why I wasn’t afraid of my husband or his family finding my blogs and posts.  Honestly, I just didn’t know to change the settings on that site.  However, my blogs (this one and the one at the top “The Girl In The Mirror”) are public.  I didn’t even think about him or his family finding anything.  It just didn’t even phase me.  Creating these blogs were for me, a coping mechanism and a place to vent.  Writing helps me and is a wonderful release for me.  For once I was only thinking about myself and not him.  I did think about making the blogs private for a few minutes, but my husband is computer illiterate, thankfully, and his family that he does have, they’re amazing people.  I’ve even spoken to a couple of them about my current situation.  Not in as much detail as I do here, but in some detail.  It’s only his aunt who uses the computer, and she only uses facebook, and only through her cell phone.  She’s also one of his family members I have spoken to.  No, I do not fear that he will find out.  Not only this, but everything I write in here, well it’s nothing that he doesn’t already know.  If he had been listening, he would know the exact emotions I’m feeling and have felt for years now.  He does know that I’m not happy here and does know I want to leave.  We have been down this road so many times though (me preparing to leave, but end up staying) that he doesn’t believe me.  It’s not that I just give in and decide I have nowhere to go, it’s the “honeymoon phase” of it that sucks me back in.  I am so deeply in love with that person.

Not only this, but I want to keep my blogs, my twitter, my instagram, and my facebook page for this blog public (for the most part) simply because I know for a fact there are many other women and girls who are going through this thinking they’re absolutely alone.  I know because I was one of them.  If I can help someone, even just one person, escape their abuser, than I would be forever thankful for having the chance to voice my experiences.  I am not ashamed of what’s going on, and my husband is not physically abusive.  I do not fear for my safety…sanity maybe, but not safety.  I’m quite aware this could change at anytime, but for now, no.

Entry For Today

Today was a pretty decent day.  Better than they have been, much better than last night.  I did a good thing today.  There’s a couple my husband and I know.  Older couple in their late 50’s and early 60’s, both who are on disability.  In turn, they get next to nothing for income.  They’re struggling just to buy food, never mind pay bills and what not.  So today, even though we’re financially behind, we’re still better off than they are, so I went through my cupboards and filled 4 grocery bags full of canned foods, mac and cheese, a cake mix, just a bunch of food.  I also decided to send over the turkey I had in the deep freeze.  They need it more than we do.  So that was my good deed for the day.  I also sent someone a message on facebook.  She does a lot of helping people, low-income families, families who are starting over, etc.  I would really like to donate all the baby stuff I have.  I was thinking of having a yard sale, but I would really like to donate it.  I have been getting a lot of help from random people lately, the least I can do is pay it forward.  She actually is going to bring me out a space heater and a fan on Thursday, at the same time, we’re going to pack her car full of baby stuff.  It’s good to be able to help people.  It feels good.

Today, I didn’t do too much.  I listened to music as I always do.  Oh, I did check the mail today and received a cheque for $75 from the college I attended.  I had spoken to a woman online a while ago about the college and the course.  She just wanted to know what my experience was like with the staff, and with the course.  I guess she decided to enroll and when she did so, said I referred her.  I received a cheque for referring her!  I’m hoping to be allowed to keep this money.  I’m not sure what I’d do with it, but it would just be nice to have so if I did see something I liked, for me or for the kids, I could grab it.  Or, I could almost pay off my cell phone bill.  Regardless, it was a nice surprise for me.

Other than that, my feelings today have been relatively happy.  I tried yet again to bring up the topic of emotional abuse with my husband.  He actually listened today.  We didn’t have much of a conversation about it, but I did tell him that I know it’s not him, it’s how he was raised.  I think it might have shocked him.  I always pushed that fact away that he was raised around all of that.  I didn’t take it into consideration that he was watching the emotional abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse and the physical abuse take place.  Also witnessing all the alcoholism taking place within his family, and in his home.  As well as having his mom move away when he was 7 years old.  And not just move away, but move 16 hours away to a different country.  I imagine that would be quite devastating and confusing for a 7 year old, or a child of any age for that matter!  After reading all the information Cindy gave me, as well as this one book I have, I realized it wasn’t just him being, well, rude to put it nicely.  I’m hoping to be able to get him to open his eyes and see that it is a problem and that maybe he could get some help to deal with his past, in turn, help him deal with his current issues.  There’s also a men’s shelter here who offers support and counselling for men who are abusers.  Not only that, but counselling for the couples.  I really feel like he would benefit from this program.  But, if he isn’t willing to do so by the time I’m strong enough to leave, then he isn’t willing and I will know I had tried everything I could to help him better himself.  Can’t help someone if they don’t want the help, right?

So here I am, 8:40PM.  I think tonight I’ll relax and watch a movie.  My kids are in bed already, hubby’s making a late night snack of pancakes for himself.  I have 4 week old kittens running all over the house.  Unfortunately, I have this allergy to animal dander.  My 2 cats are indoor/outdoor cats, I have an outdoor dog, and a small indoor dog.  The added 3 kittens have my allergies going crazy.  Especially my eyes.
A song to finish off today’s post as well.  I love this song and this woman sings it beautifully!  I was nearly in tears.  So powerful!

 

It Hurts Tonight

I’m feeling very hurt tonight.  It’s been a long, long time since I’ve felt wanted, loved, even respected in this marriage and tonight, it’s really bothering me.  It wasn’t necessarily a bad day, but he woke up, he went outside to work on the vehicles, went to his buddy’s house and spent a few hours there.  He came home to work on a different vehicle, than had a shower, played solitaire on his phone, then passed out on the couch.  He then got mad at me for asking him to move to the bed.  I have a pet peeve of people sleeping on couches, not sure why.  I guess in a way, he works 8am until 6pm or so Monday to Friday, then he’s usually outside or not home and by the time he comes home, he either has a shower and passes out, or just passes out.  So to see him sleeping on the couch, it pisses me off in a way because I think we should have just a little time to spend together a day.  But it doesn’t matter to him.  I’m invisible to him unless I haven’t done whatever he’s asked me to do, or what he expects me to do.  It hurts.  It hurts a lot, all the time.

What makes it worse is that I try to talk to him.  I try to talk calmly and simply and smile while I’m talking at times, just try to make it as much of a civilized conversation as possible, but he blows it out of proportion.  I always say something that somehow offends him and he gets mad at me.  He did manage to tell me that the words he says (calling me a burden for example) is out of anger.  He said this while getting mad at me for bringing up what he’s said in the past. (like calling me a burden)  The thing with that kind of stuff is that it still hurts me.  I don’t care if he meant it or not, he’s my husband.  I trust the words that come out of his mouth.  Or some of them now, but things like that, they stick.  They open a new wound, plus peel the scabs off old wounds that have yet to heal simply because he has never given me the chance to resolve them.  I think at this point, there’s been too much said in the 14 years to have a conversation and get over everything.  I look at him and I can predict how the conversation will go.  I avoid certain topics because I’m not up for the argument.  Or I try to talk about things but always end up being the bad guy.  I just don’t understand it!

He’s always so distant and cold until I voice that I want to leave.  Then his attitude is different; he loves me, he hugs me, he holds me, he’s nice…  It’s all just a game to him.  It’s the “cycle of abuse” that I’ve been learning about.  Regardless, I like that guy.  That sweet guy who has a heart.  I’m so happy during that time; it’s too bad it only lasts about a week or two.  Actually, after that last big fight, it was great between us.  He was that sweet guy, but since then, it slowly starts to wear off and his true colors come into action.  I again see that man who I despise.  I see the reasons I wanted to leave in the first place and of course, the feelings and words spoken in the past arise in my head.  I wish he would leave me.  Just walk away.  It would make it an easy choice for me to leave simply because I wouldn’t have one!

I hurt tonight because I know what I need to do.  I’ve known for years.  I’m angry at myself for not being strong enough to do it.  I feel like a failure to keep my children in this situation.  I feel like a failure in general.  I don’t know who I am, I don’t have any friends, my family lives 8 hours away, I don’t drive, and I don’t work.  What am I?  Oh that’s right.  Over the years, I’ve turned into a verbal and emotional punching bag for him to use as he pleases.  I have nothing, I own nothing, if it weren’t for my kids, I’d be alone in this world.  Sometimes I wish I were more materialistic like he is, maybe I could see things from his point of view.  It’s too bad he can’t be more, what is the word I’m looking for here…human?  I’m tempted to use human.  I just wish he could have a heart.  Why did he marry me if he honestly doesn’t care about me, the way I feel, or when I’m hurting?  Why doesn’t he care?

Marriage and relationships are about compromise.  I have compromised so much to be with him.  I’ve given up everything to be with him.  I’ve given up my friends, I’ve given up any self-confidence and self-worth I had and I had a lot!  I was the one who always had her head up high.  On that note, I’ve also given up myself as a person.  I’ve been too busy struggle through the hurt and trying to mould myself into who he thinks I should be, which in my opinion is a stepford wife, that it’s been years, many years since I was that girl with the confidence and worth.

It hurts tonight.