Admitting how I feel/breaking his heart

I missed my counseling appointment on Tuesday.  I have rebooked for next Tuesday.  It’ll be my first appointment.  Tom had his first yesterday.  We were talking after that and he wanted the truth about how I feel, so I told him.  I told him the truth which was hard for me and I’m sure much harder for him.

I told him that I’m pretty sure I was starting to fall in love with the other guy.  He was questioning why I was still hung up on it.  That’s why.  I also told him that I’m not sure I’m in love with him anymore.  I love him, don’t get me wrong.  I will always love him.  I’m just not sure I’m in love with him.

I think when I went through whatever I went through in October, when I stopped caring and was so angry at him, maybe I stopped then.  Or maybe I never actually did and had been “in love” with the idea of making him into a better person; fixing him.  Now that he is, it’s just too late or something.  I’m trying my best to fall back in love with him.  He’s being such a great husband now.  He’s being everything I’ve hoped he’d be, so I’m confused.  I guess just the 16 years of trying.  I’m not sure.  But there’s also the other guy and I do have some very strong feelings for that man that I can’t seem to push aside.

Some of the last things he said to me go through my mind often.  “I’ll miss you…”  “It would be impossible to forget you.”  “I have feelings for you.”  And then the hard things that we talked about too, like not being able to talk to each other because we have feelings for each other, and that we’d never leave our spouses for each other.

Him and I can’t be together and even if I left Tom and he left his girl, it just wouldn’t be a good thing I think, to have a relationship based on an emotional affair.  Maybe I’m wrong, no idea.  But I also don’t know if I should stay here with my husband not being in love with him.  We talk, we get along and all that stuff, that’s not a problem.  But the “in love” part is missing on my part.  I need to at least give him a chance and try.  I feel like I owe him that and also for the kids.  At the same time, what I wanted when I was 14 when we got together, isn’t what I want now.  And the past is hard to get over too.  The feelings of the words are still there.  I’m still affected by them.

I really need to talk to the counselor.  I need to try to figure out my crap and I’m hoping she can help me with it .  I just don’t know what to do.  I feel like Tom deserves better than me now.  I told him he shouldn’t be comforting me while my heart aches over another guy and he said if that’s what it takes for me to stay, he wants to do it.  He deserves better than me.

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Counseling & abuse effects on children – Advice Please!

After a week of calling twice and having them tell me they’d return my call, I finally heard back from the Community Counseling Center.  Tom and I have been trying to get in with them since the beginning of the month!  We were originally going to go with a licensed professional, but at $100 plus taxes every week, we just can’t afford that.  Plus I wanted individual counseling as well.  We’ve been struggling financial as is and as importnant as I feel it is, it just wasn’t a possibility at this time.  I ended up calling the Northern Heath board and asking if they could point me in the right direction for free or cheap marriage counseling and she told me to call the Community Counseling Center.  This is run the the UNBC (University of Northern British Columbia) and is psychology students.  We’re both okay with that!  The students need to learn and we need the help.  It’s $10 per 1 hour session.  It’s a good start regardless in my opinion, and we have our intake appointments on Thursday next week.

I had recieved a call from my sons school on Wednesday.  I thought it was to confirm our meeting on Thursday but she said she wanted to talk about Adam and that she was concerned.  He has a weather and calendar booklet in his desk.  It’s a stapled together paper book and he doodles on it.  His teacher took a look at it on Wednesday and noticed some disturbing drawings.  I’ll also mention at home, adam doesn’t draw or colour what so ever, so to hear that he was doodling was quite a shock all on its own!

Here’s the picture:

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I hope you can make out the drawings.  There are a bunch of hearts crossed out, a broken heart, a tear drop and when asked about the drawing in the bottom left corner, he explained that it’s the gun  he used to commit suicide and that’s his grave.
The school psychologist was at the meeting yesterday who said it isn’t normal for kids his age (8) to know what death is and what not.  He does though.  We’ve had some people pass away as well as some animals.  In order to help him cope, I told him Heaven and Rainbow Bridge is where our souls go until we’re all back together again.  That it’s never goodbye, it’s just see you later.  And that helped him, both my kids.  Not only this, but my mom is on the transplant list for lungs.  If something were to happen to her, I need him to have that belief that it’s only a temporary goodbye.  They are too young and innocent to believe anything else.  as for knowing about suicide and what not, he watches a lot of youtube which now has a filter on it, as does the entire computer.

So when he got home from school Wednesday, I had Grace play in the livingroom and I spoke to Adam in private.  He said he’s in pain all the time; his brain, his hands…  I asked if it had anything to do with his favorite song Pain by Three Days Grace.  He said no but that ever since he heard it, he’s always in pain.  Okay, possibly fabricated a little bit.  But then I asked about the broken hearts and he got a bit teary and said “I hate the way Hun blames you for everything.”  Yes, they caught on to calling him hun, because I do.  I’ve tried to get them to call him dad, doesn’t work.  I asked about the arguing and what not and he said that makes him want to commit suicide and go to Heaven.

I can’t help but feel responsible.  That by feeling so stuck and trapped and unable to leave in the past, that I stayed with all the emotional, mental and verbal abuse and the kids were around it, that I’ve fucked up my children for lack of better words.  They heard and saw so much go on, they felt so much!  Tom was driving them to school the other day and they were blaming him for everything.  I can’t say it was all him, I’m no where near perfect myself, but they see what they see.  He would come home and as soon as he’d walk through the door, was angry at me.  Or he wouldn’t come home until late and those nights, all the kids wanted was to say goodnight to him.  But he’d be too busy out drinking and they’d cry and ask why he didn’t love them.  I’d have to explain that he was just going through some things…  Always made excuses for him but I think it’s important for the kids.  Too young for grown up problems.

There was just so so much that they were there for and now, I’m not sure what to do!
I could sure use some advice right now!

It’s been a year since I last wrote

So much has changed.  I have changed.
In fact, I’m unrecognizable these days, especially to myself.

Let’s start with my very last post regarding breast cancer.
I went in to see the specialist who said it was nothing.  Strangest thing.  It didn’t show up on the ultrasound or anything, yet you could feel them with your fingers.  I still can; they’re still there.  I’m keeping an eye on them just in case they start to get bigger.  Cancer scares me a bit given my family history and the people I’ve lost to it.

It was a tough year last year.  Tom and I went through a lot.  Though it was slightly better where we were staying, it was still very tough.  We had our 10th wedding anniversary on August 6th.  We had dinner reservations, a hotel booked and planned to go to a movie.  His cousin was getting married the weekend we had that planned, of course we went.  I brought my camera to get some extra experience.  Unfortunately, Tom ended up drunk.  We had to stay at his other cousins house after he wanted to drive home drunk with the kids in the car.  That was obviously not okay with me!  So that hurt to say the least.

We moved into an apartment the 1st of October.  Shortly after that, I met a lady who lived on the bottom floor with her 3 sons.  We have become very good friends, as are our children.  I started to spend a lot of time with her and then it was like the fog cleared from my brain and I was finally able to see what exactly Tom had been doing to me over the past 16 years.  All the words, the actions, the control, the gas lighting, etc.  It was having a strong, confident friend that made me realize he was treating me like I was worthless.

I got angry.  By angry, I don’t mean yell about it and take some time to breathe.  I mean angry like treating him like complete shit, not staying home and simply not caring at all about his wants and needs.  At this point, he started changing his ways and is who I needed him to be when we started this relationship.  He’s caring, he listens, he’s helpful, thoughtful, etc.  But regardless of all this, I couldn’t help but be that angry with him.  How could he do that to me?  How dare he show our kids that that was a normal, healthy marriage?!

The end of October, I started talking to another man.  We had met by showing him and his girlfriend our house that we’re selling.
Anyway, it was just friends.  We had coffee a couple times.  We spoke all the time though.  All the time as in from about 8am to anywhere between 2-4pm on and off while he was at work, 5 days a week.  We formed quite the friendship and of course, feelings formed there.  More strongly for me than for him.  He says he cares about me more than he should, but I think I might have fallen for him a little bit.  Which was never my intention.

We last spoke at the end of December, and it was heartbreaking.  I can’t believe how sad I was to have lost someone who wasn’t mine to begin with!  We hadn’t spoken since the end of November but closer to Christmas, we spoke for 2 days.  The last day, he had text me and we talked about our feelings and how we needed to stop.
The next day, Tom went into my phone and saw texts between him and I.  I will not get into detail about what things he read, but it was enough to give him the thought that I was sleeping with the other guy.

He kept saying he doesn’t want to lose me and he wants to make it work.  It actually felt good to see him fall apart on the kitchen floor.  I know that sounds completely bitchy, but it showed me that he really did care about me.  Rather than kicking me out, he dropped and cried and even hugged me as he cried hard.  I feel like I at least owe him the chance for us to right our wrongs.

My problem is that I honestly don’t know if I can get over the past.  And now he doesn’t trust me.  He goes through my facebook, my texts, the call display on the phone, etc.  He doesn’t want me going out with anyone which triggers memories of the past.  He’s so clingy now too.  It’s like he needs to have a hand on me at all times; my knee, hand, something.  I’m used to getting the cold shoulder, for years, so now I feel smothered.

I’m just not sure how to deal with all this.  I can tell you one thing, I’m never going to be that weak person I was before.  He may not like me going out but I’m not about to be his prisoner again.  If I didn’t want to try, I wouldn’t have stayed!  I also still care about the other guy and I have no idea how to turn off those emotions.  Don’t really want to say much about him.  He has a girlfriend, we said we wouldn’t leave our spouses for each other, especially considering this was all accidental to begin with.  Besides, if I were to leave, it would be to be on my own, not to jump into another relationship.

I’m trying really hard to figure out who I am, get to know myself because I don’t.  I’ve been too busy trying to be who Tom wants me to be that I’ve completely lost myself.

We’re moving at the end of the month.  This apartment is just too small for the 4 of us.  It’s supposed to be our new start.  We’ll see how this goes I guess.
We’re both going to start individual counselling, and move to marriage counselling after that.
Besides that, I’m going to go back to school!

Separation & court

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Well, I’m not too sure where to start.  My life has been extremely stressful and I feel it physically.  Even taking the time to write this, just thinking about everything is giving me a headache.

So here’s what’s been happening here.
I turned 29 on the 29th of May.  Hubby came home and surprised me by taking me out for dinner at our favorite restaurant.  Yes, that was great.  However, the days, weeks, prior to that had been more terrible than wonderful.  He’s been spending a lot of time away from home (I have no idea where he ends up), has no regard for the kids or my feelings, comes home really late and drunk.  I’ve said it before to him, that it’s disrespectful and sure makes us feel like he doesn’t give a damn at all.

Long story short though, on the 30th, I had the support worker from Graces school drop Adam off for a visit at the school (he got to see his girlfriend!) so we could head down to the courthouse.
I filed for sole custody and guardianship, and placed a protection order for my kids simply because he has made the threat in the past that he’d take the kids to Yakima WA where his mom lives.  The protection order says he cannot leave BC without written and verbal consent, cannot pick up the kids at school etc without written and verbal consent, etc.
It was the first time I’ve had to admit out loud and to complete strangers that yes, my marriage is emotionally and verbally abusive.  I swear for cases like that, they should offer an Ativan.  I had to get the support worker (Kathleen) to write some of it, I was just too shaky.  I honestly thought I may have a heart attack, but I’m assuming it was just a big anxiety attack.

Once we left, she bought me a coffee and we went to hubby’s place of employment so Kathleen could serve him the papers.  I was so nervous I thought I might vomit.  It was horrid!  He didn’t come out though, which is what I was afraid of.  We went back to the school to pick up Adam, gave Grace a big hug, all that good stuff, and went home.
A couple of hours later, hubby asked why I still went to the courthouse, that he thought things were getting better and he’s confused.  Two good days in a row does not mean things have gotten better.  At all.

When he got home, he was extremely angry.  We came to the conclusion though that he was angry because he was hurt, and then the anger stopped.  I gave him an option though.  No pressure to him for it, it’s completely his choice.  I know his opinion on counsellors and what not, it hasn’t changed in the 15 years we’ve been together.  They put words in your mouth, they do more harm than good, etc.  Bottom line, that he would never again go see one.  He went through anger management two or three times before we met and I guess had a terrible experience.  I have tried to explain to him counselling isn’t like anger management, especially between youth and adults.  Things are different.  He wouldn’t accept that answer though.  Anyway, he has decided to go to counselling through the John Howard Society, through the S.T.O.P program. (Stop Taking It Out On Your Partner).  I figured if he’s actually willing, I’m going to make sure it counts, that this counsellor is going to understand situations like ours etc.  I’m also going to start seeing Cindy again at the Elizabeth Fry Society for abused women.  If hubby is willing to try, I am too and I know I’m far from perfect, I’ll do my part too.  I need to learn how to place boundaries and see what exactly is abuse compared to just having a bad day and what not.  Plus, I have yet to deal with a lot of things from the past.

Last night, he came home at 11:30pm completely drunk and ended up spending half the night on the bathroom floor.  It’s things like that I just can’t handle.  It’s disrespectful to me and to the kids.  It’s also a lot more than that, such as brushing off anything I see as a problem, or all my feelings in general.  But then again, his grandma (who raised him) told me straight out the other day that she didn’t have time for him when he was growing up so she just gave him money.  At least I know there’s a reason behind his actions and I do have a little hope the counselling will help.  But!  In order to know that he wants to try and he’s not just saying his constant empty words, I’m going to ask him to call and book the appointment.  He can start making an effort and showing me he’s all in by doing that, by going completely out of his comfort zone.  If he won’t, than I at least know where we stand.  That’s actually the advice from Kathleen.

Kathleen is the one who I thought was pressuring me to keep Adam in school in January.  I still feel like she was, but I quite like her now.  I’m very comfortable with her and can talk to her.  She has also offered to take me to the appointments at E. Fry and Adam can spend that hour at the school with his friends.

At this point, I haven’t cancelled the court date yet, which is the 19th.  I’m still on the fence.  I need to see some effort before then.  Actions speak louder than words and his actions just confirm my reasons for wanting to leave.

So there you have it, my current life situation in a few paragraphs.

Battered Woman/Wife Syndrome

I apologize for the lack of entries in not only this blog, but all of them!  I’ve set a goal to write at least one entry per week, per blog.

I have been struggling again lately.  I’m doing my best to homeschool my son, which is proving difficult due to his lack of interest unless the work is done on the computer.  It’s stressful for me and I just don’t know how to get him interested.  Hubby said he was bringing home a whiteboard from work, so maybe I can get Adam to write on the whiteboard.  He isn’t doing terrible with schooling, but is still a bit behind in some things.  The speech therapy is going great!

On Friday, my house flooded.  Thank you Mother Nature for making it obvious Spring has arrived!  Hubby was still at work, so I started to move everything myself.  The kids had toys all over the place, a lot of crafting things, PS3 remotes, etc.  Everything was under water.  It came in so quickly!  Hubby came home after half an hour with a gas powered water pump from work, thankfully.  He set that up and the water was gone just as fast as it came in.  However, my entire main floor is fully carpeted.  All I have is a shampooer which really doesn’t suck up that much water as that’s not what it’s for.  I spent 5 hours straight cleaning up and moving things.  He just stood there saying he didn’t know where to start, and never did do anything at all.  I can’t move the 46″ TV, I’m 4’10”, my arm span just isn’t very big.  I was afraid I’d drop it in the water.  He wouldn’t even do that.  He got up Saturday at noon, rearranged the pump, and was sleeping by 5:15 PM.  He did get some of the water out of the kitchen and hall, but the worst is the living room, nothing’s been done in there and it’s starting to smell musty.  I sent the kids off on Friday, but they’re coming back today.  This is no place for the kids to be and I have nowhere to go with them.  I have been trying to borrow a shop vac, but the 2 people I know who have one, currently have broken ones.

I feel like hubby’s been hiding something from me lately.  He’s constantly on his cell phone texting.  He pays absolutely no attention to me when he’s on that thing which is funny because at work, he can be on the phone, computer and speaking to someone in person.  He’s been distant and I thought there was no conversation before, now we don’t even talk.  I try, but he doesn’t say anything back or gives me a one or two word reply.  He’s been coming home just to leave again, half the time, I have to remind him to say bye to the kids.  Sometimes he doesn’t.  He came home mad at me the other day and left right away, the poor kids actually cried and asked me if he was going to come back!

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Last night, I was talking to an online friend who told me she’s sure I have “Battered Woman Syndrome.”  I cried.  I didn’t know she could see that just in our chats!  And we don’t speak very often!  Very observant she is.  I was stunned though that this woman online could point it out, never being in an abusive relationship herself.  I felt ashamed though.  This had me awake for hours last night when I should have been sleeping.  Which something that comes in small amounts these days.  I need to go back to E. Fry and start seeing Cindy again.  I need to get to those appointments.  She’s a worker at one of the domestic abuse places and though I only had one appointment, she was a huge help with resources, phone numbers, information, etc.  I need to go back.  So I’m going to work on trying to get a ride once a week.  I’ll also need this person to watch Adam while I’m in there though.  Might be tough, but I don’t have a choice.  Maybe I should get him back into school so I can work on getting us out of here?  Ugh, no idea what to do.  I’ll figure it out though, I’m determined on this!

After googling a lot of different websites on Battered Woman Syndrome, I’ve come to realize this fits me perfectly, unfortunately.  This is me.  Though I’m not physically battered, I may as well be, I hurt just the same, except it doesn’t heal and the scabs keep getting torn off.  The bruises don’t fade and the breaks don’t heal.  Oh course, the words seem to get louder rather than fade away.  It’s like a PTSD thing.  It feels that way for me personally.  I can’t turn it off and even good days can turn into bad days as soon as those unwanted memories come flashing back, unable to shake them from my head.
I need to do something here.  I’m trying to do something, even if it’s small steps.  I can’t keep saying I will, and don’t.  My kids deserve better….I deserve better.

Child abuse….

I received a phone call today from my sister who was livid and not knowing what to do.  Her son is going to be 7 next month and her and the father take turns with my nephew weekly.  This week was the fathers turn.  His girlfriend had appointments and asked my sister to pick him up from school, which she did.  Then she noticed bruises around his neck.  When asked, he told her the fathers girlfriend did it and has been pushing him around, physically.

She said she couldn’t get a hold of the social worker, I told her to call the cops!  She asked if she could do that!  It’s physical abuse, it’s child abuse, yes, you can do that!

I’m outraged right now!!  My kids are supposed to be spending the weekend at my sisters with my nephew, maybe it will help him feel like the kid he’s supposed to feel like at his age.  I told her not to let him go back there.  The social worker and/or police had better do something about this!  They were supposed to investigate the father after my nephew told the social worker “bad things are happening at my dads house.”  But he wouldn’t tell anyone except the social worker.  So at court, he said he lied about it.  Obviously he wasn’t.  I can just imagine the crap she’s been feeding to that poor kid to scare him the way he is!!

So angry right now!

Changes and marriage

I’ve decided to make some changes to my blog.
I’ve created a few other blogs; one for Wicca which will have books and information, as well as my experiences and teaching my daughter who is very interested. (My son, not so much so I of course, will not push him)  I’ve created one based on homeschooling, my experiences teaching Adam, and will have resources.  The third is based on domestic abuse in general.  Not much in regards to myself, but resources to help those who need it.  For the homeschooling blog, and the abuse blog, I’ll be posting resources for Canada as that’s where I’m located, but I’m also going to do my best to post resources for the US and over seas as well.  No one needs to suffer, and sometimes asking for help is the strongest thing you can do!
I’m just trying to get them all straightened out right now.  I really don’t like the free layouts, but I can’t afford to purchase any so I’m struggling a bit with how I want it.  I suppose in the long run, it’s the information that matters most.
I’m also thinking of transferring my old blog here which is based on making money at home, sites I personally use/used, no scams.
I’ll have links to these blogs at the top once they’re ready for publicity.

On the marriage front, I just need to vent about last night.  Hubby’s been working a lot of overtime putting in 13 hour days sometimes and he’s worked the past 12 days straight putting in between 12 and 13 hours each day.  I do feel for him, he’s tired and exhausted.  I don’t complain about him working or how much he works.  I understand and being a stay at home mom, I can’t say anything.

Yesterday, he called at 7:30 pm saying he was on his way.  He’s about 15 minutes away.  He was complaining about how tired he was and that he just wanted to come home, have a shower, and go to sleep.  I called him at 8:30 pm since he still wasn’t home.  The roads are terrible, the car’s even worse.  No answer though.  I called him again at 9 pm and he was at the neighbors having a few beer.  He ended up getting home around 10 pm.  I was very disappointed in him.  He’s constantly complaining about never seeing the kids and never having time to be at home…or to sleep.
He walks in the door (the neighbor is literally next door) and is drunk.  I was so hurt.  I was angry yes, but I was more hurt.  He never seems to have time for me.  He’s too busy playing Minecraft when he is home, or just goes to bed.  I feel really alone these days.  I tried to talk to him about how I felt without a reply at all, then he started talking about work.  It’s pointless to try to work on something when the other doesn’t care and doesn’t see anything wrong in the marriage.  My words fall on deaf ears and my actions go unnoticed.  My heart aches so much and after reading about the “heart strings” (tendons in the heart), the pain I literally got in my heart when I’m stressed emotionally makes sense.  The migraines are no fun either.

I have my plan to go in and get my L, which here in BC Canada, is the learners license.  I don’t have my license.  This was my plan last month, but financially it wasn’t possible.  I’m hoping this summer I’ll have enough confidence driving to go get my N. (Novice)  I need this to be able to continue homeschooling Adam.  I’m also thinking the kids and I will be heading to my brothers again, for the whole summer this time.  I may not return though.  My brother is about 7 hours south of here.  At least for a couple weeks though, I need a break.

Why do I do this to myself?  I know it’s not going to change.  I know he’s all about materials rather than, well anything else.  I’m an object to him.  He’s the kind of person who thinks he’s superior to everyone else and in order to be in his life, you have to show him what you can do for him.  Narcissist.
I have to have a breaking point don’t I?  Maybe I’m just so far past that point that I’ve given up.  I really need to get my license so I can go back to seeing the worker at the abuse outreach center.  I think that will help!

Oh, I also received a lot of comments regarding hubby finding this blog.  He doesn’t use the internet.  He knows how to check his email on his cell, knows how to play Minecraft, and that’s it.  His family knows what’s going on here for the most part.  His aunt actually told me to call her if I need out and to “leave the asshole” that she knows he’s all about himself.  I’m not worried at all.  I’ve tried explaining to him that what he does is abuse, you should hear that argument! 😦

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