My 500 Words – #5

I have missed a lot of days.  There has been so much going on.  My house flooded…twice!  And of course, the main floor that flooded is completely carpeted.  My daughter has also had the flu, so I’ve been running around the house with Lysol disinfecting wipes.  The engine also seized in the car.  It’s been wonderful here!  Oh, apparently the public school my little girl goes to may be going on strike.  Actually, it may be a province wide strike.  If this is the case, I will be starting to homeschool her.  At least that way if they strike, she won’t miss school or speech therapy.

I do however have a photo I’d like to share with you!
My little guy has been asking for a “mohog” for months now.  I finally gave him one.  This photo is almost strange simply because he’s such a calm little boy!

1907608_831882070160012_1508601892_n

So, what I wanted to write about today is something I’m watching called the Mom Conference.  There are a bunch of interviews you can watch and so far, it’s wonderful for some helpful tips.  Take a look:
The Mom Conference.

I’m currently listening to Amy McCready’s interview.  My problem, which I already know, is that I’m too protective, or paranoid depending how you look at it.  I’ve been through a lot in my life.  So so much.  I try my best to keep the kids safe.  I don’t want them to play outside alone.  I don’t want them to walk to the bus alone.  I don’t want them to get hurt.  I don’t want them to do so many things or be away from me because it scares me.  I am so afraid that something will happen to them and the need to protect them is so strong.  This world is a hard, painful place.  There is so much negativity that happens.  I don’t watch the news because of this.  This city I live in has been called “Little Detroit” (though I’ve never been to Detroit, is it that bad?) and that there is more crime based on size, compared to Vancouver BC.  That is scary to me.  There is a lot that happens in Vancouver that I do see just on facebook alone!  I try my best to keep them germ free and healthy.  But I know that all the worrying plus what I deal with just in my everyday life, it takes a toll on me.

As for the conference and what Amy is saying here.

Separation & court

its-really-hard-to-decide-when-youre-too-tired-to-hold-on-yet-youre-too-in-love-to-let-go

Well, I’m not too sure where to start.  My life has been extremely stressful and I feel it physically.  Even taking the time to write this, just thinking about everything is giving me a headache.

So here’s what’s been happening here.
I turned 29 on the 29th of May.  Hubby came home and surprised me by taking me out for dinner at our favorite restaurant.  Yes, that was great.  However, the days, weeks, prior to that had been more terrible than wonderful.  He’s been spending a lot of time away from home (I have no idea where he ends up), has no regard for the kids or my feelings, comes home really late and drunk.  I’ve said it before to him, that it’s disrespectful and sure makes us feel like he doesn’t give a damn at all.

Long story short though, on the 30th, I had the support worker from Graces school drop Adam off for a visit at the school (he got to see his girlfriend!) so we could head down to the courthouse.
I filed for sole custody and guardianship, and placed a protection order for my kids simply because he has made the threat in the past that he’d take the kids to Yakima WA where his mom lives.  The protection order says he cannot leave BC without written and verbal consent, cannot pick up the kids at school etc without written and verbal consent, etc.
It was the first time I’ve had to admit out loud and to complete strangers that yes, my marriage is emotionally and verbally abusive.  I swear for cases like that, they should offer an Ativan.  I had to get the support worker (Kathleen) to write some of it, I was just too shaky.  I honestly thought I may have a heart attack, but I’m assuming it was just a big anxiety attack.

Once we left, she bought me a coffee and we went to hubby’s place of employment so Kathleen could serve him the papers.  I was so nervous I thought I might vomit.  It was horrid!  He didn’t come out though, which is what I was afraid of.  We went back to the school to pick up Adam, gave Grace a big hug, all that good stuff, and went home.
A couple of hours later, hubby asked why I still went to the courthouse, that he thought things were getting better and he’s confused.  Two good days in a row does not mean things have gotten better.  At all.

When he got home, he was extremely angry.  We came to the conclusion though that he was angry because he was hurt, and then the anger stopped.  I gave him an option though.  No pressure to him for it, it’s completely his choice.  I know his opinion on counsellors and what not, it hasn’t changed in the 15 years we’ve been together.  They put words in your mouth, they do more harm than good, etc.  Bottom line, that he would never again go see one.  He went through anger management two or three times before we met and I guess had a terrible experience.  I have tried to explain to him counselling isn’t like anger management, especially between youth and adults.  Things are different.  He wouldn’t accept that answer though.  Anyway, he has decided to go to counselling through the John Howard Society, through the S.T.O.P program. (Stop Taking It Out On Your Partner).  I figured if he’s actually willing, I’m going to make sure it counts, that this counsellor is going to understand situations like ours etc.  I’m also going to start seeing Cindy again at the Elizabeth Fry Society for abused women.  If hubby is willing to try, I am too and I know I’m far from perfect, I’ll do my part too.  I need to learn how to place boundaries and see what exactly is abuse compared to just having a bad day and what not.  Plus, I have yet to deal with a lot of things from the past.

Last night, he came home at 11:30pm completely drunk and ended up spending half the night on the bathroom floor.  It’s things like that I just can’t handle.  It’s disrespectful to me and to the kids.  It’s also a lot more than that, such as brushing off anything I see as a problem, or all my feelings in general.  But then again, his grandma (who raised him) told me straight out the other day that she didn’t have time for him when he was growing up so she just gave him money.  At least I know there’s a reason behind his actions and I do have a little hope the counselling will help.  But!  In order to know that he wants to try and he’s not just saying his constant empty words, I’m going to ask him to call and book the appointment.  He can start making an effort and showing me he’s all in by doing that, by going completely out of his comfort zone.  If he won’t, than I at least know where we stand.  That’s actually the advice from Kathleen.

Kathleen is the one who I thought was pressuring me to keep Adam in school in January.  I still feel like she was, but I quite like her now.  I’m very comfortable with her and can talk to her.  She has also offered to take me to the appointments at E. Fry and Adam can spend that hour at the school with his friends.

At this point, I haven’t cancelled the court date yet, which is the 19th.  I’m still on the fence.  I need to see some effort before then.  Actions speak louder than words and his actions just confirm my reasons for wanting to leave.

So there you have it, my current life situation in a few paragraphs.

My 500 Words – #4 Free write

500
Todays challenge is to free write.  Free write means writing off the top of your head without any editing and what not.  I think I have this challenge down pat as that’s my current blogging style.
I have been using the prompts as the topic of my blog entry for the day, however I’m not sure I could get at least 500 words on why I free write.  So today I’m just going to write on a single subject.  One of my goals is to stick to one subject per blog entry, and eventually per blog.  I need to get creative to do so though.  (Just wanted to mention, that to the end of this sentence is exactly 130 words, 500 is easy to do if you’re thinking of doing the challenge.)

I have been a member of a website called Care2 for 9 years now.  Care2 is all about raising awareness, helping those in need which includes people as well as animals, etc.  They have a daily “click to donate” area and when you click on them, they do actually make a donation for that cause.  There are many petitions there as well and you are able to create your own for the cause of your choice.  They have groups  as well.  Care2 is full of wonderful, caring people who are standing up for those who cannot stand up or speak for themselves, and those trying to help save the planet.  Helping nature is something I strongly believe in.  It may be my Wiccan path, or perhaps it’s seeing the differences in the world in my 29 years living on it, but it’s changing.  It’s not a good change either and something needs to be done for possibly our own children, our grandchildren, their children, and so on.

The reason I bring up Care2 is simply because they help protect the “big cats.”  By big cats, I mean cougars, bobcats, lynx, panthers, etc.  I don;t know about you, but I absolutely love wild animals, especially the big cats!  They are gorgeous!  My personal favorites would be the white leopard and the white tiger.  Beautiful creatures.  However beautiful, also vicious, especially when hungry or when they have cubs.

snow leopard   white siberian tiger pictures1

Yesterday as my Pug was sitting in my bay window, she started barking a lot.  I looked out the window to see a lynx in my yard.  We’ve been having a lot of wild big cats around here lately.  Two cougars over by the bus stop where I have to walk my daughter and pick her up.  This is over a block away from home and no one’s home near by after school.  This is what a lynx and cougar look like:

lynx   o-COUGAR-facebook

Those paws are enough for me to fear for mine and my daughters safety.  I spoke with my uncle about this and he is going to see if he has a pellet gun laying around that he’s not using.  I think it’s a good idea, however, I don’t want to hurt them!  I know these are big animals and it would be more of a sting than actually hurting them, but in my head, I’d be hurting them.  I’ve also been thinking of getting a fog horn, but I’m not sure just how effective that would be.  I have lived out here out of city limits for 8 years now, but it’s just this year that there has been a very large amount of wild animals.  Even moose.  There was a moose just a couple weeks ago.  This was a huge moose though, it looked like he got into steroids.  The moose and deer tend to stick to themselves as they aren’t carnivorous.  These cats most definitely eat meat and it’s mating seasons!  The bears are also starting to come out of hibrination now.  The bus stop is along a greenbelt area.

I’d love to hear from you if you have any experience or suggestions for me.  I’m all ears on this one!

My 500 Words – #3 Wake up early

500

 

Today’s prompt is “wake up early.”  Unfortunately, I was woken up earlier than I planned to get up at.  I have this dog.  She’s a little cute Pug/Terrier with a curly tail, her nose is a bit pushed in, and she has the jaw strength of a tiny pit bull.  She’s a great dog and full of energy.  Obviously the energy is from the Boston Terrier, not the Pug in her.  However, she likes to bark, and barks at almost anything.  This morning, she was looking out the window and saw a jogger with a Black Lab go by and barked for a good half an hour.  She woke up the kids who proceeded to yell at the dog.  The kids were up late, so I was pretty disappointed with the dog.

This is my dog Luna:

IMG_20130813_104110
I was trying to think of times I had to wake up early for specific reasons.  I can think of a few that stand out in my head very well.
In 2008, my little guy had to be at the hospital super early in the morning.  He was born with a bilateral hernia in the groin area.  When I first took him in to the doctor for it, it looked like he had grown a third testicle.  I wasn’t sure what to think.  We saw a doctor who was new(ish) to the office, he got on the phone with a specialist saying he had no idea what it could be and sent in the referral to the urologist.  The doctor saying that scared me a bit though.  Now, my little minion has a scar to remind him (and me) of this surgery.  Unfortunately, I’m waiting on a call from the hospital for his second surgery.  This is to remove his tonsils and adenoids.  He was hospitalized in October for his tonsillitis which was so bad, his throat was nearly closed off and his oxygen would drop dangerously low.  The nurses and pediatricians were in every 20 minutes, give or take.  It was that often that his oxygen level would fall.

Another time I’m thinking of that stands out isn’t really waking up early, but being woken up accidentally.  I remember everything about this one.  It was June 4th, 2006.  I woke up to the sound of something falling.  Something had fallen and hit the floor very hard.  Hubby and I were living with my grandparents at the time after our house had been broken into it.  I didn’t feel safe, and it didn’t feel like home anymore.  My grandma had an accident in 1998; she stood on a computer chair which rolled out from under her causing her to fall.  She hit her head on the thin border along the wall and the floor.  She said she was okay, but it turned out that her brain turned completely sideways in her skull.  The doctors told us to start preparing her funeral and what not.  I was 13 at the time and though I was heartbroken, I had hope that she’d be okay.  They did brain surgery, had remove a chunk of her skull and tried to screw it back on, but it would stay.  It floated around on that spot.
Fast forward to June 2006.  It was my grandma who had fallen.  I opened my bedroom door to see her feet outside the bathroom door.  My heart sunk.  She was unconscious.  I ran up to her and she came to, asked me to help her up and change her shirt for her as I called my uncle to take her to the hospital.  And I did.  She was okay and they let her go home.

The next day, I wasn’t woken up early, but I did wake up early.  It was that morning (june 5th) that she fell a second time.  Within 2 hours, she was in a stage 4 coma and on life support.  That night, she was sent in an air ambulance 8 hours south where the brain surgeon told us he could do anything, that she was already “brain-dead.”  I didn’t sleep at all that night.  She passed away on June 10th, 2006 at 62 years old.

Another time was the last day I spent with my grandpa.  November 24th, 2006.  He was diagnosed with lung cancer on July 10th, 2006, exactly a month after my grandma passed away.  This cancer however, had already metastasized to his brain and covered 3/4’s of it.  The chemo and radiation did shrink some of the tumors in his lungs, but it did nothing for the cancer on his brain.
Hubby and I had purchased a new home at this point.  That morning, hubby had to work, so I had him drop me off at 4:30am.  At this point, my grandpa wasn’t coherent at all.  If you’ve ever seen anyone deal with lung cancer, you’ll know the end stage can be horrifying.  The noises, choking on the fluids in the lungs because the lungs pull all the fluids from the other organs in the body.
My grandpa sounded like a loud coffee maker.  Near the end though, the sound went away and it was like a calm had come over the house.  He passed away that night.

My early mornings on purpose are not the best memories, but they’re what I have, and sometimes it’s good to talk about those things as they still bother me.  Yes, I still have things from my past to work through.

My 500 Words #2 – Goals

500
Todays blogging prompt for the 500 words challenge is to write about my goals regarding blogging.  I feel like I’ll be repeating myself though as I did state my goals yesterday.  I’ll give this a try though.

My goals for the end of this challenge is to be able to write on any given topic.  I have no problem venting about my personal life, but who would?  When it comes to writing something on a given subject, I’m more like a deer in headlights with a confused look on my face.  The prompts for the challenge aren’t necessary, but I plan to use simply for this reason.  I’d like to better my skills of writing, since I don’t have any. 😉  I’m hoping to work on my many grammar mistakes.  I did get a A+ in English 12 and you’d think with my background in medical transcription, my grammar would be much better than it is.  Which reminds me.  The name of that Android app I was speaking of yesterday is called “English Grammar.”  I also have another called “En Grammar” and a dictionary.

Another goal I have is to start pre writing my entries.  I’d like to have meaningful entries that keep you wonderful people coming back to read more.  Of course, my crazy life seems to be doing a decent job.  I have yet to figure out if that’s good or bad.  A bit of both perhaps.  I have tried pre writing once and ended up changing almost the entire entry, a few times.  By the time I’m done editing, I have a completely different entry.  So I gave up on that and just write “in the moment.”  I do the same thing when I write poetry.  It’s while I’m writing that current poem that I go back and change words.  I never save the poem and go back later to edit.  I’ve had poetry published, so I don’t think it’s done any harm, but I do know it could definitely be better.

A goal I have for the future is to write a book.  Actually, I’d like to write a couple of books.  One would be a poetry book.  I just need to get over feeling the need to keep my poetry to myself.  I had a close friend try to steal my poetry, it devastated me.  My poetry, my writings in general are mine.  My experiences.  I have no fictions writings at all.  My poetry is true, it’s real, and it’s straight forward in some cases.  Some is very depressing from when I was a young teen going through depression and fighting suicidal thoughts, some were from when I was put into seclusion in the psych ward.  Pregnancy and infant loss is another big category I have, as is heart-break.  My words may not be very mature, but at this point, I can edit those!

The other book would be a book about my life.  I’ve been through so much in my nearly 29 years.  More than most go through in my opinion.  Regardless, I have a lot of experience in a lot of bad situations.  That means I have a lot of experience dealing with these bad and/or hard situations.  I think my story could possibly be someone elses story, at least parts of it, and could hopefully help them deal with whatever circumstances they may be going through.  Life is hard.  Sometimes all we need is that one person to notice and give us a hand to gain our balance again.  That is something I love to do; help people.  It’s something that makes me feel like a good person and gives my life added meaning.  If I can help one person, especially overcome something like sexual abuse, an abusive parent or spouse, a pregnancy or infant loss, my life gains that much more value to me because I know that person will rise to be all that they can be.

My short-term goal is to do this challenge!  I’m really hoping to make it through this!  I have so much going on at home though.  At this point, hubby is taking the day off work tomorrow so we can lift the carpet on the main floor.  It’s entirely carpeted and the house flooded now that spring has arrived.  We’ve been busy trying to move everything upstairs, but with two children, it’s hard work!  Both kids are on spring break right now, but my little guy has his speech therapy on Tuesdays.  The week after next, they start school again.  My son is currently home schooled due to his severe speech problems.  I’m taking an online course also.  A lot of things that need to be done around the house as well.  My cat is about to have kittens too!  My daughter let her out the window while she was in heat, so kittens it shall be!

Tomorrow prompt says “get up early.”  Here’s the deal.  I am not getting up earlier than I already do, which is 7am.  I have what feels like chronic fatigue syndrome due to the anemia I have.  I also have a best friend named insomnia.  I will be up at 7am, unless my kids wake me up prior to that.  There is nothing in particular the challenge says to write about, so I’m going to have to think of something.  I’m aiming for one topic, rather than many topics, however I haven’t written about life in general for a while.  Tempting!  Let’s see what I come up with.

Feel free to leave some ideas for me!  I’ll use them in future days!

My 500 Word Challenge – #1 Commit to the plan

500

 

As the title says, I’ve decided to join this challenge where you write a blog entry per day, minimum 500 words per entry.  I’ll post links and what not at the end of this entry for you to take a look at in case you’re interested in giving this challenge a try!  To start, I thought I’d share some information on this.
I think this would be a great start for any blogger or writer out there who’s just beginning, like I am.  I have been writing in online journals and what not for at least 15 years, but never about a certain subject, etc.  It’s always been regarding my life, the current events, ups and downs, my animals, family, friends, etc.  My life in general.  I’m hoping this will help me at least get some thoughts flowing so I can juice my brain of all its goodness.

My 500 word challenge is a 31 day challenge.  Like I said, you are to try your best to write a minimum of 500 words per day.  If you’re new to wordpress, right blow your text box when you’re adding a new entry, there’s a word counter.  You can also use something like MS Word, or OpenOffice which is very similar to MS Word and even opens Word documents, except it’s completely free.  This is a super handy program when you’re on a tight budget.  Another wonderful program for blogging is Evernote.  You can download this program completely free as well.  Take a look at the websites to see the differences and see what would work best for you.  I personally just “wing it” when it comes to my entries.  I have no set subject or length and just write what’s on my mind.  I’d like to start creating blog entries through one of these programs so I can get a start on editing them to make them better.  I would like to try having that rough draft first.

Writing is very important to me.  It’s a form of releasing my emotions and built up feelings in a healthy way.  I’ve been writing poetry since I was a little girl, so journaling, and then blogging, seemed wonderful.  This is where I can write what I’ve been going through and be open about everything.  I may not be the best with words, or with grammar in general, but I’ll learn.  What I’ve done to help myself in that area is download a free app on my Android phone where you can study different grammar lessons, and take tests once you’re done.  There are a lot of free resources online as well that are very helpful.

There are a couple places for information on this particular challenge.  Both offer writing prompts to help you out in case you’re drawing a blank.  That little bit of help can be a big thing if you’re like me and struggle with subjects.  I know of two websites that are dedicated to this challenge.  This first is the actual website hosting it: My 500 Words.  The other is a Facebook group.  It also has 31 days, but rather than stopping there, the creator of the group decided to keep moving forward and has nearly 80 different writings prompts and adds a new one everyday.  The people are also very kind and supportive!  The group is: My 500 Words.

This is my first step to the challenge.  Day one is to commit to the plan.  So here I am telling you about it and telling you my plan.
My plan is to write.  I may not post in this blog daily, but I will post in one of my 4 blogs everyday for at least 31 days.  I will at least give it my best!
You can find my other blogs by clicking “Other blogs & links” up at the top.

Battered Woman/Wife Syndrome

I apologize for the lack of entries in not only this blog, but all of them!  I’ve set a goal to write at least one entry per week, per blog.

I have been struggling again lately.  I’m doing my best to homeschool my son, which is proving difficult due to his lack of interest unless the work is done on the computer.  It’s stressful for me and I just don’t know how to get him interested.  Hubby said he was bringing home a whiteboard from work, so maybe I can get Adam to write on the whiteboard.  He isn’t doing terrible with schooling, but is still a bit behind in some things.  The speech therapy is going great!

On Friday, my house flooded.  Thank you Mother Nature for making it obvious Spring has arrived!  Hubby was still at work, so I started to move everything myself.  The kids had toys all over the place, a lot of crafting things, PS3 remotes, etc.  Everything was under water.  It came in so quickly!  Hubby came home after half an hour with a gas powered water pump from work, thankfully.  He set that up and the water was gone just as fast as it came in.  However, my entire main floor is fully carpeted.  All I have is a shampooer which really doesn’t suck up that much water as that’s not what it’s for.  I spent 5 hours straight cleaning up and moving things.  He just stood there saying he didn’t know where to start, and never did do anything at all.  I can’t move the 46″ TV, I’m 4’10”, my arm span just isn’t very big.  I was afraid I’d drop it in the water.  He wouldn’t even do that.  He got up Saturday at noon, rearranged the pump, and was sleeping by 5:15 PM.  He did get some of the water out of the kitchen and hall, but the worst is the living room, nothing’s been done in there and it’s starting to smell musty.  I sent the kids off on Friday, but they’re coming back today.  This is no place for the kids to be and I have nowhere to go with them.  I have been trying to borrow a shop vac, but the 2 people I know who have one, currently have broken ones.

I feel like hubby’s been hiding something from me lately.  He’s constantly on his cell phone texting.  He pays absolutely no attention to me when he’s on that thing which is funny because at work, he can be on the phone, computer and speaking to someone in person.  He’s been distant and I thought there was no conversation before, now we don’t even talk.  I try, but he doesn’t say anything back or gives me a one or two word reply.  He’s been coming home just to leave again, half the time, I have to remind him to say bye to the kids.  Sometimes he doesn’t.  He came home mad at me the other day and left right away, the poor kids actually cried and asked me if he was going to come back!

2e4081180f8702295a0b9a76a644c849
Last night, I was talking to an online friend who told me she’s sure I have “Battered Woman Syndrome.”  I cried.  I didn’t know she could see that just in our chats!  And we don’t speak very often!  Very observant she is.  I was stunned though that this woman online could point it out, never being in an abusive relationship herself.  I felt ashamed though.  This had me awake for hours last night when I should have been sleeping.  Which something that comes in small amounts these days.  I need to go back to E. Fry and start seeing Cindy again.  I need to get to those appointments.  She’s a worker at one of the domestic abuse places and though I only had one appointment, she was a huge help with resources, phone numbers, information, etc.  I need to go back.  So I’m going to work on trying to get a ride once a week.  I’ll also need this person to watch Adam while I’m in there though.  Might be tough, but I don’t have a choice.  Maybe I should get him back into school so I can work on getting us out of here?  Ugh, no idea what to do.  I’ll figure it out though, I’m determined on this!

After googling a lot of different websites on Battered Woman Syndrome, I’ve come to realize this fits me perfectly, unfortunately.  This is me.  Though I’m not physically battered, I may as well be, I hurt just the same, except it doesn’t heal and the scabs keep getting torn off.  The bruises don’t fade and the breaks don’t heal.  Oh course, the words seem to get louder rather than fade away.  It’s like a PTSD thing.  It feels that way for me personally.  I can’t turn it off and even good days can turn into bad days as soon as those unwanted memories come flashing back, unable to shake them from my head.
I need to do something here.  I’m trying to do something, even if it’s small steps.  I can’t keep saying I will, and don’t.  My kids deserve better….I deserve better.