It’s been a year since I last wrote

So much has changed.  I have changed.
In fact, I’m unrecognizable these days, especially to myself.

Let’s start with my very last post regarding breast cancer.
I went in to see the specialist who said it was nothing.  Strangest thing.  It didn’t show up on the ultrasound or anything, yet you could feel them with your fingers.  I still can; they’re still there.  I’m keeping an eye on them just in case they start to get bigger.  Cancer scares me a bit given my family history and the people I’ve lost to it.

It was a tough year last year.  Tom and I went through a lot.  Though it was slightly better where we were staying, it was still very tough.  We had our 10th wedding anniversary on August 6th.  We had dinner reservations, a hotel booked and planned to go to a movie.  His cousin was getting married the weekend we had that planned, of course we went.  I brought my camera to get some extra experience.  Unfortunately, Tom ended up drunk.  We had to stay at his other cousins house after he wanted to drive home drunk with the kids in the car.  That was obviously not okay with me!  So that hurt to say the least.

We moved into an apartment the 1st of October.  Shortly after that, I met a lady who lived on the bottom floor with her 3 sons.  We have become very good friends, as are our children.  I started to spend a lot of time with her and then it was like the fog cleared from my brain and I was finally able to see what exactly Tom had been doing to me over the past 16 years.  All the words, the actions, the control, the gas lighting, etc.  It was having a strong, confident friend that made me realize he was treating me like I was worthless.

I got angry.  By angry, I don’t mean yell about it and take some time to breathe.  I mean angry like treating him like complete shit, not staying home and simply not caring at all about his wants and needs.  At this point, he started changing his ways and is who I needed him to be when we started this relationship.  He’s caring, he listens, he’s helpful, thoughtful, etc.  But regardless of all this, I couldn’t help but be that angry with him.  How could he do that to me?  How dare he show our kids that that was a normal, healthy marriage?!

The end of October, I started talking to another man.  We had met by showing him and his girlfriend our house that we’re selling.
Anyway, it was just friends.  We had coffee a couple times.  We spoke all the time though.  All the time as in from about 8am to anywhere between 2-4pm on and off while he was at work, 5 days a week.  We formed quite the friendship and of course, feelings formed there.  More strongly for me than for him.  He says he cares about me more than he should, but I think I might have fallen for him a little bit.  Which was never my intention.

We last spoke at the end of December, and it was heartbreaking.  I can’t believe how sad I was to have lost someone who wasn’t mine to begin with!  We hadn’t spoken since the end of November but closer to Christmas, we spoke for 2 days.  The last day, he had text me and we talked about our feelings and how we needed to stop.
The next day, Tom went into my phone and saw texts between him and I.  I will not get into detail about what things he read, but it was enough to give him the thought that I was sleeping with the other guy.

He kept saying he doesn’t want to lose me and he wants to make it work.  It actually felt good to see him fall apart on the kitchen floor.  I know that sounds completely bitchy, but it showed me that he really did care about me.  Rather than kicking me out, he dropped and cried and even hugged me as he cried hard.  I feel like I at least owe him the chance for us to right our wrongs.

My problem is that I honestly don’t know if I can get over the past.  And now he doesn’t trust me.  He goes through my facebook, my texts, the call display on the phone, etc.  He doesn’t want me going out with anyone which triggers memories of the past.  He’s so clingy now too.  It’s like he needs to have a hand on me at all times; my knee, hand, something.  I’m used to getting the cold shoulder, for years, so now I feel smothered.

I’m just not sure how to deal with all this.  I can tell you one thing, I’m never going to be that weak person I was before.  He may not like me going out but I’m not about to be his prisoner again.  If I didn’t want to try, I wouldn’t have stayed!  I also still care about the other guy and I have no idea how to turn off those emotions.  Don’t really want to say much about him.  He has a girlfriend, we said we wouldn’t leave our spouses for each other, especially considering this was all accidental to begin with.  Besides, if I were to leave, it would be to be on my own, not to jump into another relationship.

I’m trying really hard to figure out who I am, get to know myself because I don’t.  I’ve been too busy trying to be who Tom wants me to be that I’ve completely lost myself.

We’re moving at the end of the month.  This apartment is just too small for the 4 of us.  It’s supposed to be our new start.  We’ll see how this goes I guess.
We’re both going to start individual counselling, and move to marriage counselling after that.
Besides that, I’m going to go back to school!


5 thoughts on “It’s been a year since I last wrote

  1. I have to comment on this. My husband and I have been married for seven years and in the last two months, he started acting completely out of the ordinary with emotions as if he was bipolar but he is not. I am bipolar and know how to recognize things like that. He came out and blew up after I quit a job as to how he was unhappy with many things in the marriage and was unsure of the marriage. So every week he came out with more, said he needed time to think. Then in late Nov. I found he was having an emotional affair with a co worker at work. That changed everything, plus answered why he had been acting so strange. I told him that in order for me to stay, we both needed our our counseling, and marriage counseling and the other woman has to go. He stopped things with the other woman, has gotten into counseling. My therapist says he needs individualized first in order to clear up confusion and anger in his head before marriage so I am trusting her. It took him about a month to get into his first appointment and follow through. Currently he is sleeping in the spare and we agreed in the week of xmas as a starting point, to work on our friendship first. It has been extremely rough for me, but I have been going to therapy weekly, journaling, exercising a lot, spending as much time I can with family and friends, and working. Also, my hobbies keep me feeling good.

    So, my advice now to you. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. Emotions for the other guy and your husband. It is not fair for the marriage or your husband. I suggest individualized to get your emotions out privately and marriage counseling to learn how to communicate with each other positively. An emotional affair is not the cause of the problems , it is a symptom of the root causes of the dysfunction in a marriage. Both parties interactions with each other and the dynamics of that is what plays into dissatisfaction of a marriage.

    I am taking a chance with my husband to try and trust him again but I told him it will take a lot of time and have to be rebuilt by his words and actions being consistent.

    • Thank you so much for your honesty, I actually really appreciate it and am thankful you commented!
      Believe it or not, I am sincerely sorry that you’re going through that with your husband and I really do hope you two can work it out!
      I can somewhat understand the trust being broken, but can you maybe elaborate a bit? I’d like to understand the way my husband is feeling, so I can give things the best shot. He’s the kind of man who doesn’t really know how to verbally express himself, so it’s tough.
      Hubby had cheated on me years ago. It broke my heart regardless, but I never acted like he’s acting now. That broke my trust for him around other women. It was a choice he made after all. Emotions are anything but I choice. Trust is tricky, but if you didn’t mean to do something, could it not be a little easier to forgive?

      The other man and I, we were friends. We had a lot in common and it was easy to talk to one another. When I realized I cared about him more than a friendly way, I did tell my husband. I was completely honest with him. It was anything but intentional to fall for another man.
      As you said though, it’s a symptom of the root. I most definitely agree with you and can even tell you what that root is. The 16 years of abuse is the root. I can tell you in all honesty that the only reason I made it through was because of my kids. The things he had been repeating the whole time, I believed them. I felt trapped because no one wanted me and my family thought I was a burden (according to him), but I couldn’t stand the pain inside. In my head, there was only one way out of that situation, which wasn’t even a possibility because my children needed me, and I’d rather go through abuse for an eternity that to leave my children! Unfortunately, it’s taken quite the toll on my 8 year old son as it’s coming out in his drawing. 😦

      We are starting counseling though, this Thursday. They suggested we start with individual counseling and then move to marriage counseling if we still want it. Unfortunately, we can’t afford the $100 plus taxes a week, so we’re going through the university here which is fine with us. The students need to learn too!

      Thanks again for the comment, you gave me something to think about!

      • The broken trust part. I’ve always been able to forgive a lot easier if things were accidental. Emotions aren’t something we can choose to have or get rid off. A physical affair is definitely a choice. Do you know what I mean? I’m having a hard time understanding where my husband’s coming from with that and like I said, it’s tough for him to verbally express how he feels. I thought because you’re in a very similar situation, you could explain what you’re feeling?

      • I do not feel like any emotional or physical affair is accidentally done. That is a conscious choice made and carried out. The trust issues is that my husband broke our vows and everything that he promised to me that goes with commitment.

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