I see the toll of the abuse

As I lay in bed last night trying to sleep, (and suffering from my only friend Insomnia) I was remembering my past.  This is something that happens every night.  My brain does not turn off no matter what I do.  So I end up laying there for hours before I eventually fall asleep, just to wake often throughout the night.  I don’t choose what I think about, it’s random things that pop into my head.  Many questions of “why” or “what if” etc.  It’s actually quite stressful and even causes nightmares.  Last night, the first thing that came to mind was 2001 when my husband cheated on me with two of my friends.  You’d think because he’s been faithful for the past 12 years, I’ be able to get over it.  I guess not.  I do my best to keep it locked up, and I do pretty good not thinking about it.  Then came the thoughts of what I’ve done for him sexually, more specifically, the threesomes…his “dream.”  It was crushing though when he paid absolutely no attention to me.  Hell, I let him take my best friends virginity.  My mistakes haunt me.

I woke up the other morning, kids were taking pictures with my cell phone.  They took a couple of me and I realized how worn out I look.  The bags under my eyes prior to putting make up, the wrinkles I already have, the amount of grey hair I already have not to mention the actual health problems at only 28 years old.  My life has taken a toll on my body.  The abuse started when I was molested by my great grandfather at 7 years old.  It has yet to stop, though thankfully, there is no more sexual abuse at this point.

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