Breast Cancer?! – (Why I) Relay For Life

Since last year, a lot has happened.  Things I will get into another time.
This time, I’d like to ask you for support.  Not only is finding a cure for cancer something close to my heart, but with current situations here, it’s something I feel I need to support more.

In short, I’m going to a surgeon due to possible breast cancer.
In November last year, I went in to see my family doctor for some problems I was having with my right breast.  He wanted me to try some creams.  When I went back in to tell him they didn’t do anything, he told me it could be Paget’s disease of the nipple.  December 24th I went in to see him again after finding a small lump in my breast.  He confirmed this and sent me for an ultrasound.  I had the ultrasound and went for my follow up appointment in the middle of January.  The ultrasound was clear.  Nothing on it, not even a cyst!  Protocal is to wait to see if it gets worse or goes away, so as I was sitting there in limbo, I went back in to see him last weekend after finding two more lumps.  One is an inch and half and shaped like a tear drop, second is like a long, skinny finger.  The first small lump is a ball shape.  All hard lumps however.
I saw him at the walk-in, he wants me in at the office on the 3rd so he can send a referral to a surgeon for a biopsy.

So, that has been a large part of my recent past/present, something that has me on edge worried literally sick that my kids will be left without a mother.  I’ve seen so many of my friends and family go through cancer and all but one have passed away.  My view on cancer is pretty grim to say the least.
What I’ve done this year, is joined the Relay For Life.  My kids and I are going to go down and walk at least 5km, every step counts!

What I’m looking for here is support.  Support for me…  I’m almost 30 years old, my kids are 7 and 8 this year.  My husband and I celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary this year, and 16 years together.  I was raised by my grandparents, who both passed away in 2006.
For my grandpa…my Daddy, who passed away from lung cancer at 65 years old.
For my cousin Felicia who passed away from brain cancer at just 23 years old, after going into remission 3 times.
For my great grandma who had stomach cancer which quickly spread.
For someone who was like an uncle, and my grandparents best friend, Ralph.
For my uncles girlfriends dad, who was also taken by lung cancer.
And for so many others!

Also for those who are fighting cancer.  They need the love, light, and strength to keep going on.
And for those dealing with the grief of losing someone from cancer.

Please help me by supporting my friends, family, strangers, and of course, by supporting me.
Click the photo below.  Any donation you contribute can be reimbursed when you do your taxes.
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Nervous

I set my alarm this morning.  I wanted to be up early so I had time to wake up.  I’m the kind of person that has an extremely hard time waking up.  It normally takes a couple hours and I have to have a coffee.  So I’ve been up for an hour now, coffee in hand.  Or on desk if you want to get technical.  Both of my kids are passed out on the couch and it’s 9am already.  They must have been pretty tired.  I’m equally tired, but my appointment is in just under 2 hours.  I have to leave half an hour prior to get there from where I live out of town.  I find it terrible living out here sometimes, so far away from everything and not in walking distance.  No buses, and a taxi just to and from town is $50.

Anyway, I woke up this morning and realized I’m actually nervous about this appointment.  I was really looking forward to it, but now all I feel is nervousness.  I even had a dream about it last night.

I see the toll of the abuse

As I lay in bed last night trying to sleep, (and suffering from my only friend Insomnia) I was remembering my past.  This is something that happens every night.  My brain does not turn off no matter what I do.  So I end up laying there for hours before I eventually fall asleep, just to wake often throughout the night.  I don’t choose what I think about, it’s random things that pop into my head.  Many questions of “why” or “what if” etc.  It’s actually quite stressful and even causes nightmares.  Last night, the first thing that came to mind was 2001 when my husband cheated on me with two of my friends.  You’d think because he’s been faithful for the past 12 years, I’ be able to get over it.  I guess not.  I do my best to keep it locked up, and I do pretty good not thinking about it.  Then came the thoughts of what I’ve done for him sexually, more specifically, the threesomes…his “dream.”  It was crushing though when he paid absolutely no attention to me.  Hell, I let him take my best friends virginity.  My mistakes haunt me.

I woke up the other morning, kids were taking pictures with my cell phone.  They took a couple of me and I realized how worn out I look.  The bags under my eyes prior to putting make up, the wrinkles I already have, the amount of grey hair I already have not to mention the actual health problems at only 28 years old.  My life has taken a toll on my body.  The abuse started when I was molested by my great grandfather at 7 years old.  It has yet to stop, though thankfully, there is no more sexual abuse at this point.

My 500 Words – #5

I have missed a lot of days.  There has been so much going on.  My house flooded…twice!  And of course, the main floor that flooded is completely carpeted.  My daughter has also had the flu, so I’ve been running around the house with Lysol disinfecting wipes.  The engine also seized in the car.  It’s been wonderful here!  Oh, apparently the public school my little girl goes to may be going on strike.  Actually, it may be a province wide strike.  If this is the case, I will be starting to homeschool her.  At least that way if they strike, she won’t miss school or speech therapy.

I do however have a photo I’d like to share with you!
My little guy has been asking for a “mohog” for months now.  I finally gave him one.  This photo is almost strange simply because he’s such a calm little boy!

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So, what I wanted to write about today is something I’m watching called the Mom Conference.  There are a bunch of interviews you can watch and so far, it’s wonderful for some helpful tips.  Take a look:
The Mom Conference.

I’m currently listening to Amy McCready’s interview.  My problem, which I already know, is that I’m too protective, or paranoid depending how you look at it.  I’ve been through a lot in my life.  So so much.  I try my best to keep the kids safe.  I don’t want them to play outside alone.  I don’t want them to walk to the bus alone.  I don’t want them to get hurt.  I don’t want them to do so many things or be away from me because it scares me.  I am so afraid that something will happen to them and the need to protect them is so strong.  This world is a hard, painful place.  There is so much negativity that happens.  I don’t watch the news because of this.  This city I live in has been called “Little Detroit” (though I’ve never been to Detroit, is it that bad?) and that there is more crime based on size, compared to Vancouver BC.  That is scary to me.  There is a lot that happens in Vancouver that I do see just on facebook alone!  I try my best to keep them germ free and healthy.  But I know that all the worrying plus what I deal with just in my everyday life, it takes a toll on me.

As for the conference and what Amy is saying here.