Separation & court

its-really-hard-to-decide-when-youre-too-tired-to-hold-on-yet-youre-too-in-love-to-let-go

Well, I’m not too sure where to start.  My life has been extremely stressful and I feel it physically.  Even taking the time to write this, just thinking about everything is giving me a headache.

So here’s what’s been happening here.
I turned 29 on the 29th of May.  Hubby came home and surprised me by taking me out for dinner at our favorite restaurant.  Yes, that was great.  However, the days, weeks, prior to that had been more terrible than wonderful.  He’s been spending a lot of time away from home (I have no idea where he ends up), has no regard for the kids or my feelings, comes home really late and drunk.  I’ve said it before to him, that it’s disrespectful and sure makes us feel like he doesn’t give a damn at all.

Long story short though, on the 30th, I had the support worker from Graces school drop Adam off for a visit at the school (he got to see his girlfriend!) so we could head down to the courthouse.
I filed for sole custody and guardianship, and placed a protection order for my kids simply because he has made the threat in the past that he’d take the kids to Yakima WA where his mom lives.  The protection order says he cannot leave BC without written and verbal consent, cannot pick up the kids at school etc without written and verbal consent, etc.
It was the first time I’ve had to admit out loud and to complete strangers that yes, my marriage is emotionally and verbally abusive.  I swear for cases like that, they should offer an Ativan.  I had to get the support worker (Kathleen) to write some of it, I was just too shaky.  I honestly thought I may have a heart attack, but I’m assuming it was just a big anxiety attack.

Once we left, she bought me a coffee and we went to hubby’s place of employment so Kathleen could serve him the papers.  I was so nervous I thought I might vomit.  It was horrid!  He didn’t come out though, which is what I was afraid of.  We went back to the school to pick up Adam, gave Grace a big hug, all that good stuff, and went home.
A couple of hours later, hubby asked why I still went to the courthouse, that he thought things were getting better and he’s confused.  Two good days in a row does not mean things have gotten better.  At all.

When he got home, he was extremely angry.  We came to the conclusion though that he was angry because he was hurt, and then the anger stopped.  I gave him an option though.  No pressure to him for it, it’s completely his choice.  I know his opinion on counsellors and what not, it hasn’t changed in the 15 years we’ve been together.  They put words in your mouth, they do more harm than good, etc.  Bottom line, that he would never again go see one.  He went through anger management two or three times before we met and I guess had a terrible experience.  I have tried to explain to him counselling isn’t like anger management, especially between youth and adults.  Things are different.  He wouldn’t accept that answer though.  Anyway, he has decided to go to counselling through the John Howard Society, through the S.T.O.P program. (Stop Taking It Out On Your Partner).  I figured if he’s actually willing, I’m going to make sure it counts, that this counsellor is going to understand situations like ours etc.  I’m also going to start seeing Cindy again at the Elizabeth Fry Society for abused women.  If hubby is willing to try, I am too and I know I’m far from perfect, I’ll do my part too.  I need to learn how to place boundaries and see what exactly is abuse compared to just having a bad day and what not.  Plus, I have yet to deal with a lot of things from the past.

Last night, he came home at 11:30pm completely drunk and ended up spending half the night on the bathroom floor.  It’s things like that I just can’t handle.  It’s disrespectful to me and to the kids.  It’s also a lot more than that, such as brushing off anything I see as a problem, or all my feelings in general.  But then again, his grandma (who raised him) told me straight out the other day that she didn’t have time for him when he was growing up so she just gave him money.  At least I know there’s a reason behind his actions and I do have a little hope the counselling will help.  But!  In order to know that he wants to try and he’s not just saying his constant empty words, I’m going to ask him to call and book the appointment.  He can start making an effort and showing me he’s all in by doing that, by going completely out of his comfort zone.  If he won’t, than I at least know where we stand.  That’s actually the advice from Kathleen.

Kathleen is the one who I thought was pressuring me to keep Adam in school in January.  I still feel like she was, but I quite like her now.  I’m very comfortable with her and can talk to her.  She has also offered to take me to the appointments at E. Fry and Adam can spend that hour at the school with his friends.

At this point, I haven’t cancelled the court date yet, which is the 19th.  I’m still on the fence.  I need to see some effort before then.  Actions speak louder than words and his actions just confirm my reasons for wanting to leave.

So there you have it, my current life situation in a few paragraphs.