I apologize for the lack of entries in not only this blog, but all of them! I’ve set a goal to write at least one entry per week, per blog.
I have been struggling again lately. I’m doing my best to homeschool my son, which is proving difficult due to his lack of interest unless the work is done on the computer. It’s stressful for me and I just don’t know how to get him interested. Hubby said he was bringing home a whiteboard from work, so maybe I can get Adam to write on the whiteboard. He isn’t doing terrible with schooling, but is still a bit behind in some things. The speech therapy is going great!
On Friday, my house flooded. Thank you Mother Nature for making it obvious Spring has arrived! Hubby was still at work, so I started to move everything myself. The kids had toys all over the place, a lot of crafting things, PS3 remotes, etc. Everything was under water. It came in so quickly! Hubby came home after half an hour with a gas powered water pump from work, thankfully. He set that up and the water was gone just as fast as it came in. However, my entire main floor is fully carpeted. All I have is a shampooer which really doesn’t suck up that much water as that’s not what it’s for. I spent 5 hours straight cleaning up and moving things. He just stood there saying he didn’t know where to start, and never did do anything at all. I can’t move the 46″ TV, I’m 4’10”, my arm span just isn’t very big. I was afraid I’d drop it in the water. He wouldn’t even do that. He got up Saturday at noon, rearranged the pump, and was sleeping by 5:15 PM. He did get some of the water out of the kitchen and hall, but the worst is the living room, nothing’s been done in there and it’s starting to smell musty. I sent the kids off on Friday, but they’re coming back today. This is no place for the kids to be and I have nowhere to go with them. I have been trying to borrow a shop vac, but the 2 people I know who have one, currently have broken ones.
I feel like hubby’s been hiding something from me lately. He’s constantly on his cell phone texting. He pays absolutely no attention to me when he’s on that thing which is funny because at work, he can be on the phone, computer and speaking to someone in person. He’s been distant and I thought there was no conversation before, now we don’t even talk. I try, but he doesn’t say anything back or gives me a one or two word reply. He’s been coming home just to leave again, half the time, I have to remind him to say bye to the kids. Sometimes he doesn’t. He came home mad at me the other day and left right away, the poor kids actually cried and asked me if he was going to come back!
Last night, I was talking to an online friend who told me she’s sure I have “Battered Woman Syndrome.” I cried. I didn’t know she could see that just in our chats! And we don’t speak very often! Very observant she is. I was stunned though that this woman online could point it out, never being in an abusive relationship herself. I felt ashamed though. This had me awake for hours last night when I should have been sleeping. Which something that comes in small amounts these days. I need to go back to E. Fry and start seeing Cindy again. I need to get to those appointments. She’s a worker at one of the domestic abuse places and though I only had one appointment, she was a huge help with resources, phone numbers, information, etc. I need to go back. So I’m going to work on trying to get a ride once a week. I’ll also need this person to watch Adam while I’m in there though. Might be tough, but I don’t have a choice. Maybe I should get him back into school so I can work on getting us out of here? Ugh, no idea what to do. I’ll figure it out though, I’m determined on this!
After googling a lot of different websites on Battered Woman Syndrome, I’ve come to realize this fits me perfectly, unfortunately. This is me. Though I’m not physically battered, I may as well be, I hurt just the same, except it doesn’t heal and the scabs keep getting torn off. The bruises don’t fade and the breaks don’t heal. Oh course, the words seem to get louder rather than fade away. It’s like a PTSD thing. It feels that way for me personally. I can’t turn it off and even good days can turn into bad days as soon as those unwanted memories come flashing back, unable to shake them from my head.
I need to do something here. I’m trying to do something, even if it’s small steps. I can’t keep saying I will, and don’t. My kids deserve better….I deserve better.