Catching up on the past month

My last posts were about my grandparents birthdays.  I meant to post about my grandpas passing on November 24th, but the depression kicked into high gear, unfortunately.  I become very anti-social around November and December because of the heartache I continue to feel from losing them.  Christmas was my grandmas favorite holiday, it’s still very hard for me but I do the best I can to make it wonderful for my kids.  They deserve at least an amazing Christmas!   Of course, hubby had to turn it all to crap.  It’s what he does.  I’m not sure what he was so angry about, but he ended up telling my little guy that he didn’t care when Adam was trying to talk to him.  I ended up whispering “some fucking father you are” thinking the kids couldn’t hear me through the music in the car and the muffler noise (wonderful roads here tore it off, along with the bumper of the car!), Adam turned and said “yeah, some fucking dad you are.”  I know it’s terrible of me, but I burst out laughing.  Tom made a threat saying something about tearing a strip off him had he known what he said, the thing is, Adam may have a bad speech problem, but he knows what the words mean.
Before Christmas, Adam accidently knelt on my tablet he was using and cracked the LCD screen inside.  I have no picture on it at all.  I have yet to tell Tom.  I figure when I do, I’ll be blaming it on myself to save Adam from the shit storm.  He doesn’t deserve it, it was an accident, he told me right away and apologized numerous times.  He honestly felt terrible.  Tom won’t see it that way though.  He says he can’t own anything nice because the kids ruin everything.  It’s heartbreaking.  He shouldn’t have been a dad…shouldn’t be a dad.  I don’t regret my kids, but I regret who I had them with.

The kids had a decent Christmas.  Unfortunately, we all had the flu.  It started with Gracie, moved to Adam, then to me, and then to Tom.  Once we were better, Tom ended up getting it again, and then I got it again.  It was just a 24 hour flu, but the second time I got it, it lasted nearly a week.  I was worried though because the Norwalk virus and H1N1 have been spreading like wild fire lately.  H1N1 has over 30 people on ventilators from what I’ve read, and has killed 10 people in this province already.  H1N1 is especially dangerous to those with lung problems such as myself and my asthma.  It’s scary for me to think of getting a flu that could take me away from my kids and leave them with Tom.  It’s not an option for me.  I’ve been sanitizing my house like a mad woman.

December 31st marked 4 years since the passing of my 23 year old cousin Felicia.  Felicia was an amazing person with the most beautiful soul.  She had developed brain cancer in her chest as a teen.  She was in remission twice prior to relapsing the third time which eventually killed her.  Too young.

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Adam is failing grade 1.  For this, I partially blame his teacher.  She can’t understand him with his speech problems.  He had gotten bullied in the bathroom one day; a couple kids told him “no Adams allowed” and that he wasn’t allowed to pee.  He threw his coat at them after they were wiping him with their coats and Adam was the one who got in trouble.  Oh, talk about an angry mama!  His teacher has been telling me he isn’t doing much work at school.  Monday, he brought work home.  As I looked it over, I noticed he was doing the work but in the wrong places, wrong order, etc.  Adam said he did ask her for help, but she couldn’t understand him.  It’s so sad to hear that.  As teachers, they should know better than to just leave a 6 year old to suffer like that not being understood.  The one day, he felt sick.  No one could understand him so they just pushed him throughout the day.  He had tonsillitis.  I’m just not happy with his teacher at all!  Because he’s failing, they’re definitely going to want to hold him back.  They wanted to in kindergarten too, but he started to do better.  If he is held back, he’ll again be in Mrs Bymans class not being understood and obviously continuing to fail.  I’m not about to let that happen.  So, I’m thinking of home schooling him next year.  He does his work perfectly fine at home for me, but then again, I understand his jibberish.  I don’t like the fact that he’ll be away from his friends.  I feel school is where they learn most of their social skills and what not.  However, at this point, I need to work on his education…you know, his future.  I won’t home school him forever, just until he’s ready to be put back in school.  I want to give him a fair shot at this.  I know what I went through in elementary school, not getting the help I need and why I dropped out (after getting expelled) in the middle of grade 8.  That is a future I do not want for my son and I will do anything I have to to make sure it won’t be his future!

Speaking of tonsillitis, Adam had his appointment with the ENT.  He’s going to go ahead and give him a tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy.  He did leave the choice up to me though, I chose yes.  Considering he ended up admitted to pediatrics last time, I want to get rid of the problem.  Also, they tend not to remove tonsils in adults.  My brother is proof of this.  He’s had tonsillitis so often that he’s immune to antibiotics and they won’t remove his tonsils.  That is something else that’s not an option.  I will not leave him to suffer like that.  Take those things out and be done with it.

On another note, I just made a doctors appointment for myself today.  It normally takes about 2 weeks to get in to see him, but she said I need to come in tomorrow only because she had no room to squeeze me in today.  I have silicone breast implants.  I had my breast augmentation in February 2009 after having my kids and going from a D/DD to barely filling an A cup.  I have noticed some shooting pains here and there for the past year or so, but figured since I tend to get breast cysts and also because I lost sensation from nipple down in both breasts, it was normal pain.  Apparently my silicone implant may have ruptured.  Once silicone gets to your lungs or lymph nodes, there’s no removing it from those places.  This could be a very bad thing and of course, I’m a bit nervous now.  I will keep the updates coming on that.  I’m also worried that if that is the case and I have to have that implant removed, I don’t have money to get it replaced.  I’m a 34G/H, can you imagine how that will look?  Health first of course, but I’m worried about a few different things with this.  Positive vibes needed please!

Also would like to ask for prayers, love and light to be sent to a friend of mine who has recently found to have abnormalities in the tissue in her breast, has had a biopsy and is awaiting the results.
Please send her healing thoughts!

Tom has been so confusing these days.  One day he loves me, the next, I’m his worst enemy and can’t do anything right.  This last episode of “I hate you’s” started Monday.  He came home from work talking about Crissy.  Crissy is the ex stripper who works there who’s sleeping with 3 married men who also work there.  She’s trying to sleep with my friends husband as well.  So he comes home telling me about how short her skirt is and what not.  I’m tired of hearing about her, she’s all I hear about.  I try not to be a jealous person, but he has cheated on me in the past, what makes an ex stripper less appealing than an average woman?  Since then, he’s been distant, hasn’t wanted to touch me at all or even have a conversation. 😦

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