New blogs are a go!

I have two of my three new blogs up and running!  I also decided to remove one of my original pages from the top there as I don’t post in “The Girl In The Mirror” at all.
In it’s place is a tab called “Other Blogs & Links”, take a look!  I still have my Wiccan blog to set up, but there’s still a lot I want to do to the abuse blog; many more resources I want to find and add especially since I have nothing for anyone outside of Canada.  I need to have information/resources for at least the USA.  So, I’m working on that!

The other is my homeschooling blog.  Lots of resources on there if you’re interested in print outs or anything, even if you don’t homeschool.

In other news, I think this may be the only country (or city?) where you can get a sunburn and frost bite in the same week.  It has been decent here lately, above freezing which is beautiful!  Last night, it dropped to about -25C and has been cold all day today.  I’m not happy with this at all.  The weather network is also calling for snow again.  I’m ready for summer.  I need to get out to a lake, I’m going through withdrawals!  I didn’t make it out at all last summer.  If it were summer, I’d be there right now regardless of this nasty sinus cold the 4 of us have!  The fresh air would be wonderful.

I don’t have much to write today, but then again, it’s not quite 5pm.  The day is far from being over.
Let me know your opinions on the other blogs!

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My bedroom (spider photos)

Just a quick, late entry about my bedroom.
The kids and I all sleep on my king size bed, hubby sleeps in the living room.  I put the kids to bed tonight and they come running out screaming about a spider.  So I muster up some courage (afraid of spiders) and go in there.  He’s just a spider sitting on a web.  Looks like he’s been there for a long time.  He has a pile of black wood type beetles (the big ones), and beside that, a pile of little bugs almost like a dumping ground for his prey.  His web has three dead spiders, longer legs, smaller bodies.  He’s on his abstract web upside down and I noticed something on his belly.  I’m obviously not sticking my face that close to it, so I went and grabbed my camera, got some pictures, and came back to my computer.  While I was out here, the kids came back out screaming about another spider.  I went in, and there was another one coming out of the closet.  (This closet is a tiny cubby under the stairs)  I tried to get him into a cup, but it disappeared…I then proceed to have a fit thinking it was on me somewhere.  Thankfully, it wasn’t.  I managed to have time to upload the couple photos and crop them before I went back in to take a look at the small spiders that are in there, and found either a third one, or the second spider.  I managed to trap it in a wine bottle.  I didn’t have a jar handy and the cup was just not working for me.  I took the picture and did a google image search.  Here’s my picture, and googles results.  I did post it to the spider ID board I always use, just waiting for a reply.

sp1Google gave me this:

“Western Black Widow” (mating)

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This is a pretty good match, as is the male (smaller spider) compared to the dead spiders in the web.  I’ll also add that at the base of the floor in the corner of the web, is a thick, web blob.  Babies?  There’s web all over in there so tomorrow morning, I’m going to vacuum the hell out of that little cubby!  I could do without seeing another spider ever again!

Upcoming and present

I’ve created my blogs, just trying to organize them…still.
I’ve decided this one is still going to be my personal blog about my marriage and life in general.  I did create a blog based on abuse, but for the most part, I’d like to keep it as help for others, resources, books, advice, and of course, information.  I don’t want to stick what I’m currently going through in there.  I’ll throw the odd bit in when I’m writing, but not into much detail.  I need this blog to vent.  The blog isn’t public yet, but it’s called AboutDomesticAbuse.  I wanted to keep it to abuse in general, no certain area of abuse and not based on violence alone.
My homeschooling blog is almost ready.  It’s called TeachingAdam.  I was drawing a blank for a name.  I think it’s fitting.
And my Wiccan blog, which has been the last on my mind, is called TheEclecticWitch.  Yes, I’m Wiccan, however Wicca is my base and I draw from all sorts of different religions and beliefs.  I am an eclectic witch.

Now if I may, I really need to write and just get things off my chest today.  My stress level is high again, I can tell my the abdominal pain, nausea, and headache, as well as the lack of motivation and happiness.  Depressed state today I suppose.

Yesterday was a decent day.  We had to go to town, did some shopping.  Stopped and let the kids spend their $4 on toys at the dollar store.  Got home, had dinner, got the kids to bed…about 10 times…  It was an okay day though in general.  Hubby and I watched a movie together.  This morning, he couldn’t find his pants he took off last night.  They had his change for work, keys, etc in them.  So he started on me because again, the house is a mess and that he just doesn’t bother saying anything anymore because I don’t do anything anyway.  Those words I’m pretty used to hearing, or along those lines, so I’m not sure why it’s all bothering me so much today.  Oh, right.  As he left, he didn’t say bye to me, but worst of all, he didn’t say bye to the kids.  I had to get Gracie to stop crying.  It’s fine if he wants to be mad at me, but don’t punish the kids.

He came to watch what I was doing on the computer last night.  I was on Pinterest pinning posts to my Abuse category. (my Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/wiccanmommy)  I was reading them remembering the things he’s said and what not.  I’ve been trying to remind myself that even in the good days, which are few, the bad days, the scars, the open wounds, it’s all still there.  A little sunlight doesn’t stop the raging seas.  He started to read them so I brought up this one:

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He admitted he does most of it, but then went on to tell me it’s not that bad, he’s not that bad, and it’s most definitely not abuse.  He had told me the day before that things were his way or the highway.  The first on the list, nothing is his fault which I assume is why he can’t admit it actually is abuse.  He says abuse is only physical and sexual.  So I might have went about it wrong, but I asked if he’d say the things he does to me, to the kids, and he said he’d never say things like that to them.  Except he does.  By getting mad in front of them and speaking loudly that he can “never have anything nice because they kids always wreck it” speaks many words, and even more emotions to them.  By telling them that they “don’t know how to clean up after themselves, just like their mother” also speaks loud and clear to them, as it does to me as well.  He then proceeds to make excuses; “well the kids need to pick up their shit!”  “They do break everything!”  He’s never in the wrong.  Even if it’s his things all over the place, I’m still the one who doesn’t do anything because I haven’t cleaned up after him.  I’ll admit, I haven’t been cleaning much and as much as he likes to call me lazy, I don’t feel lazy, I feel broken inside.  I feel like I’m dying.  Just like the last saying on the image above, that’s how I feel.  You can see me in pictures on Instagram, always full of make up.  Without it, I have deep lines, my skin has aged more than my 28.5 years.  My body is a mess and the daily aches and pains make me feel at least 65 years old.  If he could admit to the abuse, maybe we could work on moving forward, but he won’t, he can’t because he honestly doesn’t believe it to be true.
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I know what I need to do.  I’ve known for years.  I do wonder if I’ll make it though.  I wonder about the kids and how they’ll manage, especially if I’m there falling to pieces.  I wonder about Adams tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy.  I wonder about him getting in to see the pediatrician since if I left, I’d be moving 7 hours south to Hope BC.  I wonder about the effects it would have on all 3 of us, especially the first initial effects.  I question my ability to do it; to leave, to be and remain strong, to do what I need to do for my kids, to keep them strong.  I question my coping skills because besides writing and listening to music, I have only one way to escape reality.  No, I’d never go back to the drugs.  I’m strong enough to know that will never again be an option for me.  Sex is my escape.  I have never had an affair either.  I worry about that, not having the escape if I were single because of course, I have no intentions of sleeping around and most definitely will not be inviting random men to my house with my children.  Not going to happen.

Ugh, I need to teach myself that the good days are just an illusion.  It’s just the calm before the storm.

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Changes and marriage

I’ve decided to make some changes to my blog.
I’ve created a few other blogs; one for Wicca which will have books and information, as well as my experiences and teaching my daughter who is very interested. (My son, not so much so I of course, will not push him)  I’ve created one based on homeschooling, my experiences teaching Adam, and will have resources.  The third is based on domestic abuse in general.  Not much in regards to myself, but resources to help those who need it.  For the homeschooling blog, and the abuse blog, I’ll be posting resources for Canada as that’s where I’m located, but I’m also going to do my best to post resources for the US and over seas as well.  No one needs to suffer, and sometimes asking for help is the strongest thing you can do!
I’m just trying to get them all straightened out right now.  I really don’t like the free layouts, but I can’t afford to purchase any so I’m struggling a bit with how I want it.  I suppose in the long run, it’s the information that matters most.
I’m also thinking of transferring my old blog here which is based on making money at home, sites I personally use/used, no scams.
I’ll have links to these blogs at the top once they’re ready for publicity.

On the marriage front, I just need to vent about last night.  Hubby’s been working a lot of overtime putting in 13 hour days sometimes and he’s worked the past 12 days straight putting in between 12 and 13 hours each day.  I do feel for him, he’s tired and exhausted.  I don’t complain about him working or how much he works.  I understand and being a stay at home mom, I can’t say anything.

Yesterday, he called at 7:30 pm saying he was on his way.  He’s about 15 minutes away.  He was complaining about how tired he was and that he just wanted to come home, have a shower, and go to sleep.  I called him at 8:30 pm since he still wasn’t home.  The roads are terrible, the car’s even worse.  No answer though.  I called him again at 9 pm and he was at the neighbors having a few beer.  He ended up getting home around 10 pm.  I was very disappointed in him.  He’s constantly complaining about never seeing the kids and never having time to be at home…or to sleep.
He walks in the door (the neighbor is literally next door) and is drunk.  I was so hurt.  I was angry yes, but I was more hurt.  He never seems to have time for me.  He’s too busy playing Minecraft when he is home, or just goes to bed.  I feel really alone these days.  I tried to talk to him about how I felt without a reply at all, then he started talking about work.  It’s pointless to try to work on something when the other doesn’t care and doesn’t see anything wrong in the marriage.  My words fall on deaf ears and my actions go unnoticed.  My heart aches so much and after reading about the “heart strings” (tendons in the heart), the pain I literally got in my heart when I’m stressed emotionally makes sense.  The migraines are no fun either.

I have my plan to go in and get my L, which here in BC Canada, is the learners license.  I don’t have my license.  This was my plan last month, but financially it wasn’t possible.  I’m hoping this summer I’ll have enough confidence driving to go get my N. (Novice)  I need this to be able to continue homeschooling Adam.  I’m also thinking the kids and I will be heading to my brothers again, for the whole summer this time.  I may not return though.  My brother is about 7 hours south of here.  At least for a couple weeks though, I need a break.

Why do I do this to myself?  I know it’s not going to change.  I know he’s all about materials rather than, well anything else.  I’m an object to him.  He’s the kind of person who thinks he’s superior to everyone else and in order to be in his life, you have to show him what you can do for him.  Narcissist.
I have to have a breaking point don’t I?  Maybe I’m just so far past that point that I’ve given up.  I really need to get my license so I can go back to seeing the worker at the abuse outreach center.  I think that will help!

Oh, I also received a lot of comments regarding hubby finding this blog.  He doesn’t use the internet.  He knows how to check his email on his cell, knows how to play Minecraft, and that’s it.  His family knows what’s going on here for the most part.  His aunt actually told me to call her if I need out and to “leave the asshole” that she knows he’s all about himself.  I’m not worried at all.  I’ve tried explaining to him that what he does is abuse, you should hear that argument! 😦

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New day, same struggles

1551556_10152216857517495_374650644_nFirst of all, thank you readers for all the comments.  I am definitely trying my best!

I’ll start with homeschooling and move to marriage.  It’s going okay this week.  Adam has finished 20 books online that he has had to listen to, do a 5 question quiz for each, and then read each book back to me.  It took him just a couple days to get through all of them!  He has moved up a level and there are only 5 levels I believe!  He’s doing great with that!  His language arts he shows no interest in at all, but will do it with a bit of complaining.  I’m not sure how to make it fun for him.  I do have games and what not he can do online, but that does nothing for his writing skills at all.  I need him to do the print outs.  I did get the packages of Hooked On Phonics for grade 1 and grade 2, so hopefully that will help.  They’re used and the one package is missing a disk.  I’m on a hunt now.  Ebay maybe.  Math is going good as well, though it’s all online and I’m not sure I like that.  He needs to practice his numbers as well.  I’m thinking of getting him the JUMPMath books.  He will also be starting IXL Math as well.

I’ve started  falling off the track of the work the school has given him.  I’ve heard the school is very flexible though; I hope so, otherwise I may look into actually homeschooling him, getting my own curriculum, etc.  I’ve been thinking about a bit and looking at a site called SelfDesign which is based here in BC Canada.  I’ve also been hearing about “unschooling” but I have no idea what that actually is.  I imagine it’s everything that school isn’t?

Yesterday, I received an email from TinyEYE which is the site he’ll be receiving his speech therapy through.  They said they’d call this week to set up his assessment over skype.  Hopefully soon because he hasn’t had anything in a week now, and I don’t like that at all.
I’ve been posting on some freecycling groups on facebook for school/homeschool supplies.  When I took him out, I didn’t consider anything I would need, just how he was feeling and what I felt I needed to do for my son.  That was number one on my list.  The community has really come together for me though, I am so grateful!  Of course, the fact that the car is broke and I live out of city limits is no help.  People have actually delivered the items.  The one today brought me out a chalkboard with a ledge.  Someone was asking $20 for it and decided I could take it for free.  A random lady offered to deliver it to me.  Simply amazing.  You just don’t see people like that very often anymore.  Not here at least. (Prince George is also known as “Little Detroit” with higher crime rates than Vancouver given it’s size)  This is no place to raise children.  There’s also a man/men going around trying to get children from schools.  I haven’t seen it happen so often as it has this school year.  It really has my paranoia going.  Especially now that it’s only Grace in school.  I’m tempted to pack the kids up, move down south to the small town my brother, aunt, and mom live in, and homeschool the kids!  I’m becoming such a hermit.  For that, I blame my marriage.  Speaking of marriage…

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There must be a special secret school that men go to as young boys to learn exactly what to say to emotionally scar a woman for life.
Just the other day my husband told me I haven’t done anything for him in the 15 years (in August) that we’ve been together.  Considering I sit here in this house, out of city limits, not allowed to have friends or go anywhere without him, and especially considering that I don’t know who I am, I would say I’ve given him my life…my very existence as an individual, and a human being.  Perhaps if I knew who I was, I’d be able to stand up for myself and scream “STOP!”  That I need an end to this abuse, to this pain, to the constant storm raging inside.  But I sit here, quietly, or not so quietly, while he takes his frustrations out on me as if I were able to control them; like the weather for example.  Um, I’m sorry I made it rain.  Pardon me while I go call on the Sun Goddess to make YOUR life happier.

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That being said, I’ve come to the point, again, where I’m not even interested in voicing my opinions or expressing how I feel.  I hate being brushed off and I hate having every word I say get turned on me and turn into a screaming match.  I am sure as hell not perfect, but I don’t deserve this.  My kids don’t deserve to feel that tension in the air.  My dog doesn’t deserve the fear she feels during our arguments!  This is also another reason I’d like to homeschool both children; no need to worry about transferring schools if/when I do decide I’ve had enough.
I’m hoping my form will be here soon so we can go do our taxes.  Not that I get anything back and do have to ask for everything; I plan to get get my learner license again and see what I can do to afford driving lessons.  My uncle said he’s set me up with a car.  If that happens, I’d be able to pack up and get out one day while he’s still at work.  Fill the tank and never look back.  Though I guess with kids, it’s never that easy.  But then again, he says he doesn’t want contact with the kids if I leave.  That’s fine.  If he decides that, than obviously he doesn’t deserve the kids time anyway!  I’ve put over half my life in trying to make something toxic work.  I love this guy with all my heart and I know my heart strings will burn with pain, but I’d rather go through the heart break rather than all of this I think.
My problem is sticking to the plan I made.  He says what I want to hear and treats me good, and I change my mind.  I need to work on myself…a lot.  I need to remember those words are empty.

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Homeschool & heart strings

homeschool

 
Wow.  It has been a week to say the least!  The beginning of the week was quite difficult.  My last entry, I mentioned I spoke with the school my little guy will be going through and about the special needs class.  He did start regular grade 1 and is doing good.  On Monday, I received a call around 10am from the principal of the kids school saying the other school had called.  I hadn’t had the chance to call that morning.  She was definitely shocked and tried her hardest to convince me to let him stay.  She then offered to have someone call about in town activities, so of course I agreed.  This lady called later that day saying she’s the support worker for the school and she’d look into the types of activities I mentioned to her, and then spent 15 minutes telling me why I need to keep my son in public school.  Things like “he might think he’s dumb because his sister is going to school and he isn’t” and something along the lines of the lack of socialization will corrupt his adulthood.  I called my sister who then called her ministry support worker.  I was honestly afraid that worker would have called the ministry because I was choosing to homeschool.  My sisters worker told me to call the principal and school board and place a complaint against her.  I didn’t, I couldn’t.  I don’t want the drama or the battle that could cause.  I also feel that everyone is entitled to their opinions.  The ministry worker also said the school would have no grounds to go on as homeschooling is a very acceptable option these days.  I was so stressed out that day trying to figure out what to do.  The schools worker said we could get my son into the split 1/2 class where the EA spends most of her time so he would get the extra help.  If that’s the case, why wasn’t he already in that class?  Her second option for me was half days.  I don’t see a point in that.  He’s able to do the work, but with the trouble people have understanding him, it’s been tough for him trying to get the help he needs.  I felt he needs one on one time with someone who understands his speech.

Tuesday my daughter had her health circuit; she had two needles, her sight checked, hearing checked, and her teeth checked.  She didn’t even flinch getting her needles.  She did amazingly!  After that, we drove up to the school to get my son and his things.  We had planned to take him out on Wednesday, but after the talk with the support worker, and the fact that he was enrolled with a different school, I chose to take him out.  Hubby and I get there, and automatically end up in a “meeting” with the teacher and principal…which is why we showed up early.  My poor little man cried saying bye to his friends, especially his girlfriend.  Of course, I was on the verge of tears.  The teacher and principal were also on the verge of tears.  That was one thing I never took into consideration; the bond between the staff and the students.  Once home, I was in a dark hole.  I was extremely depressed the entire day and was questioning if I did the right thing for Adam.  I’m still wondering to be honest.
On Wednesday Adam and I went to the doctor.  Adam will be going to see a pediatrician for his speech and also possible depression which was another reason I chose to pull him out.  He was coming home so sad and depressed.  It was heartwrenching.

Today, Gracie came home from school with a thick stack of papers.  The kids from Adams class had drawn pictures for him.  On the top was the drawing from his girlfriend.  In the picture, they were holding hands, happy, and hearts all over.  It said “I mes you.”  Yes, I mes you.  As we’re going through them, he starts crying…and so did I.  I know he’s hurting and that hurts me.  I can feel it.  I just hope I’m doing the right thing here for him.  I’m lost right now.

Onto the actual homeschooling topic.  I’m out of ink for my printer now; both color and black.  I’ve printed off a lot of things so far.  I had to print off this test and application to get Adam to see the speech pathologist online, I haven’t heard back yet though.  A lot of printing out school work and what not as well.  I have had to bookmark so many different websites, each have different login information, as does his online classroom.  I’ve spent a while trying to figure out different activities for him to do in school and have found some.  The Art Museum has a homeschooler program, as does The Exploration Place.  I’m looking into an art class, he’s very interested in dance and martial arts, as well as swimming.  Saturdays are going to be our library day.  I plan to take both kids to the observatory, everyone in this house has a love and fascination with the stars and planets.  I’ve also found a bunch of place to take him for field trips such as the train museum, Barkerville, roller skating, art drop in, etc.  Both kids will be able to attend a lot of the classes and field trips, so that will be great.

It’s hard though.  Just being a mom and trying to figure out what’s best for him.

Homeschooling & Speech Pathology

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It’s done, it’s official.  Almost.
Yesterday, I made the first step and called the school that my nephew did his homeschooling through.  This is an amazing school.  I actually finished my grade 12 through them.  It covers all of Canada, so if you’re thinking of homeschooling your child/ren (grades kindergarten to 12) or finishing your education, it’s completely free!  http://Ebus.ca (opens in new window)
I called and spoke with the principal.  I explained the situation Adam is in and asked if they accept children in the middle of the school year.  Yes, they do.  He initially wanted to put him in the special needs class, which is currently full.  I insisted I wanted to start him on homeschooling as soon as possible to avoid failing grade 1.  So we came to an agreement and have placed him in a regular grade 1 class.  I should be hearing from his teacher by Tuesday to create his course plan, etc.  He was very concerned with Adams speech problems though.

That being said, since I’ll be taking him out of school, he’ll stop getting the speech therapy he’s receiving at school currently.  The Child Development Center only helps children up to 5 years old.  I took at look the the Health Unit’s website and again, they only help children up to 5 years old.  I decided to start searching for private speech pathologists and did come across one who works independently.  I sent her an email and am awaiting a reply.  My problem is the financial aspects of a private speech pathologist.  We live paycheck to paycheck as is, we can’t afford much in terms of a pathologist.  Depending what she tells me her price is, I may get in touch with the government and see if there’s any type of coverage he can receive as the pathologist from the Child Development Center did classify his speech problems as severe.  If you take a look at my previous entry, it gets a little more into detail as to what he’s been dealing with at school.  Friday he came home saying he hates school.  This is not acceptable to me.

I’ve started my research on homeschool.  I’m definitely up for homeschooling him…whatever I need to do to help my children have the best future possible!  I did come across a lot of very good educational websites with educational games, printouts, a program that allows you to create flash cards to print, games to print out, etc.  I also looked over the government website and saved a bunch of files regarding homeschooling laws.  I guess what Adam’s going to be doing is classified as distance education as he’ll still have a teacher and what not.  For example, this is the information from the BC government site:

 

Traditional Homeschooling

Public School Distance Learning

Independent School Distance Learning

Must meet the Learning Outcomes of the B.C. curriculum.

No

Yes

Yes

Learning must be supervised by a B.C. teacher.

No

Yes

Yes

Students must use district- or school-approved resources.

No

Yes

Yes

Student progress must be evaluated by a teacher; report cards are to be prepared by a teacher 3 times a year.

No

Yes

Yes

Must participate in Provincial testing (Graduation Exams and Foundation Skills Assessment, grades 4 & 7).

No

Yes

Yes

Religious texts / resources may be used.

Yes

No

Yes

Status of student with school.

Registered

Enrolled

Enrolled

I’m quite aware of what I need to accomplish with him now that I have also downloaded the handbook and what I must do with him, and how to do it.  I’ll admit, I’m nervous.  It’s a big step, but it’s a step that needed to be taken.  I’ll be calling the school on Monday to speak with Joyce (principal) to let her know what my plans are, as well as why and I hope she can understand where I’m coming from.  I don’t want to come off as if I’m putting blame on Adams teacher, but I need her to understand that he comes home sad most days saying he hates school and no one understands him.  He should not have to feel that way!
Thankful Grace is quite enjoying kindergarten.  I’m very happy with that.  Adam enjoyed kindergarten as well.  Lynnette is an amazing teacher though.  I do fear that I’ll be homeschooling both children once Grace starts grade 1 given her speech problems.  I’m going to work with her throughout the summer, see if I can get her better with her speech and pronunciation.  It’s tough, but it’s what’s best and that’s all that matters to me!

If you have any websites or information on speech pathology for homeschoolers, I’d be more than grateful to hear from you!
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