2nd entry of the day – Regarding my husband

Due to my grandparents birthdays, and my grandpas angel date coming up, I’ve been pretty anti-social.  I tend to avoid the phone, and even avoid conversations online with my online friends.  I also get very depressed and emotional.  This is normal for me though.  My husband isn’t helping at all.
He had all last week off work, he took his weeks holiday.  It was a terrible week.  Between yelling at the kids and I, getting drunk, and being out until all hours of the night, the kids didn’t even get to say good night to him.  That is one of my biggest pet peeves, that he doesn’t put the kids first.  I don’t care where I am on that list, but the kids deserve to be first priority, regardless.  Last week, Adam was home from school too with the double pink eye which ended up so bad he was crying blood.  Not once did he even get him a tissue or a warm wet cloth for his eyes.  He didn’t give him his medicine once.  Adam was waking at least 3 times a night asking for a cloth because his eyes were glued shut from the gunk which seemed more like a cement mix.  I have insomnia, and once I wake up, it normally takes at least an hour to fall back to sleep again.  Then I’m up at 6:45am to get the kids ready for school.  Tom was walking Grace to the bus last week, which I did appreciate, but he couldn’t make her lunch and let Adam and I sleep in a bit.  I had to wake him up, and once he was back home, he would go back to sleep.

Tuesday this week, Tom came home from work and immediately started yelling at the kids and I for any reason he could find.  I told him to leave, but he kept yelling.  I don’t think he heard me.  Finally he said “maybe I should just leave!”  And I replied “yes, that would be nice!”  He left but only for an hour and a half.  He didn’t even say bye to the kids.  Poor Adam was crying his little eyes out.  When Tom got home, I tried explaining that the kids and I, we don’t deserve to live this way.  We didn’t do anything wrong.  In fact, he wouldn’t know what had went on that day because he was too angry with one of the guys at work to see anything else.  It’s hard to keep doing this and the kids obviously don’t deserve it!  He did end up saying he knows we don’t deserve it, but that actually frustrated me even more simply because it happens so often.  If he knows, why doesn’t he try to change it?  Does he want to push us out?  Every time I’ve mentioned leaving, he says he will not want to see the kids, would rather go to jail than pay child support, he’ll leave the country, or will commit suicide.  In fact, the week before last, he came home from work talking about shooting himself in the head, loud enough that both kids heard him in the bedroom.  He kept talking about killing himself to get away from the stress.  I handed him a knife and pretty much told him to shut up and do it.  The suicide talk is getting old.  The kids though, they asked me why he wanted to shoot himself in the head.  Very disappointed and angry with Tom for having even said that knowing there are kids in the house!

That entry I had written, I think it’s the third or fourth one back, about the stripper who started working where hubby works and is sleeping with all these married men there, and is trying to sleep with my friends husband.  Chrissy.  If you haven’t read that entry, hubby always tells me who gets hired or fired, who gets in trouble, etc etc.  I’m his work outlet. :/  Anyway, one day, he started talking about a girl named Chrissy at work.  He said she had been there for a couple months when I asked.  A couple months and he had never mentioned her name.  Yesterday he comes home and it’s Chrissy this and Chrissy that.  I said he sure seems to have her on his mind a lot and he just giggled.  Tom has cheated on me before, so I’ll never trust him 100%.  However, he’s never been in a situation where someone’s throwing her cat all over the place.  Another thing is that she was a stripper.  She’s thin, not ugly, but not my type personally.  But the skinniness is definitely hubby’s type and I’m not skinny.  I’m not obese or anything, but skinny I am not.  He has told me I need to lose weight before, a bunch of times, I know his feelings on my weight, and I know his type.  Hasn’t changed since he was a teenager.
I suppose the positive side is that if he were to have an affair, it would give me that push I need to get the hell out of this prison I call home!

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