Lonely + Drama

First of all, my son is still sick.  I took him for his appointment on Tuesday to get the referral to the ENT for the tonsillectomy.  At that time, he was diagnosed with Croup and given a prescription for more Dexamethasone.  Just doesn’t seem to end for him.  He also lost a tooth on Halloween night while he was asleep and ended up swallowing it.  It was his first tooth!  The second, beside it, will be out any day as well.  He turns 6 on the 16th.  I can’t believe how fast they’ve grown.  Tugs at my heart strings!

On the marriage front, there hasn’t been too much arguing or anything.  But there’s a reason for this.  He seems completely oblivious to us, to his surrounding except work.  He gets home, does his own thing, sometimes that’s out cutting wood and then on to the computer to play Minecraft, or straight to the computer, or sometimes he leaves to go to a buddy’s house.  It’s been hard for me, I feel so lonely.  All I do is sit here in my house, not allowed friends, so that’s out of the question.  Put bars on the windows and I have my own personal prison.  He was threatening to cut off the phone and internet (and TV, same bill) but he hasn’t yet.  I don’t drive, I live out of city limits.  This is a prison to me.  I never thought I’d be spending my married life alone.  I thought I would have this marriage with a loving husband, of course with some problems because in my opinion, a marriage isn’t healthy if there are absolutely no problems at all.  I thought we’d be able to communicate our problems to each other and talk about them to help resolve them.  I thought I’d have a happy marriage, but I don’t.  I don’t have any of that.  I have the marriage certificate and a wedding ring that I don’t even wear.  I’ve worn it a few days out of the past, I’d say a good year and a half.  That doesn’t bother him, he doesn’t even notice.  But it’s not like I go out anywhere alone, except to the doctor or dentist, etc.

Where hubby works, there’s also been a lot of drama going on.  He has always told me when someone gets hired and gives me his opinion on them.  Some good, that they’ll make a great addition, some negative, some that I understand why they’re negative after meeting them. :/  We were talking about work a couple days ago and he mentions this girls name.  I asked who she was and he said a girl that started recently in the office.  I figured maybe a couple weeks since I had never heard of her, but she’s been there a good 2 months!  Not only this, but she used to be a stripper, which I’m not holding against her, but I had stripper friends and well, there was nothing monogamous about them to say the least.  This “new” girl is already sleeping with 2 of the married men there and trying to sleep with a friend of mines husband.  Why must women throw their cat around at married men?  Why give them the option?  They’re married, they’ve made a dedicated commitment.  Hubby keeps saying she’s ugly and he doesn’t talk to her, and I do try hard to believe him, though I know he doesn’t think she’s ugly, at least her body.  I’m not hubby’s type.  I’m not skinny.  I’m not obese, but I’m about 30lbs heavier than I’d like to be for my 4’10” frame.  I’m not fat, I’m fluffy.  She is thin, the type of woman he likes.  In fact, when hubby and I met, he told me if I had been 20lbs heavier, he wouldn’t have went out with me.  I was 118lbs then compared to the 135 – 140lbs I can’t seem to get below and keep bouncing to and from.  Makes me insecure.  He’s not attracted to me and that shows in our non existent sex life…our non existent marriage in general.  The fact that he didn’t tell me she was hired has me curious to know if he’s maybe hiding something.  Especially since his sex drive has dropped the past couple months or so.

His work is having a Christmas party next month and I’m honestly afraid of what could happen.  I’m not a violent person.  I admit I used to fight a lot as a teen, but I’ve grown up, I’m also not addicted to drugs anymore like I was back then.  However, when it comes to women sleeping with married men, I take it personally.  My friends slept with my hubby, though he was my boyfriend at the time.  I have never had a boyfriend who hasn’t cheated on me.  Regardless, it’s personal for me when someone comes in and attempts to ruin a happy home with children!  My poor friend there too, she’s having problems in her marriage like hubby and I do and this stupid girl is trying to sleep with her husband.  That is personal for me because she’s my friend.  She doesn’t deserve that, their son doesn’t deserve that!  So the Christmas party, I’m afraid shes going to hit on my friends hubby, or even my hubby and I won’t be able to control my anger.  I’ve been holding a lot of emotion in lately, I feel like a time bomb at this point.  I’m quiet and reserved, laid back for the most part.  I have no problem going with the flow to see how things turn out.  I’m good with finding positives in negative situations.  That’s me, it’s who I am.  Though the positive in this is knowing that perhaps there are a few husbands who’s wives can be freed of their bullshit and move on with their lives before the men bring home an STD or something.  The positive is knowing what the husband has done and being able to walk away from an unhealthy marriage.  On the other hand, would it happen if this girl didn’t try so hard to get together with these married men?

Like I was saying, I’m not violent, I’m quiet, etc.  However, I will not let people walk all over me or any friends I may have, even if I only get to talk to those friends online or at Christmas parties.  I may let hubby walk all over me, it’s a different situation though.  I’m afraid I will at the very least, make a big scene by telling her exactly what I think of her, what she’s doing, and tell her where to go and how to get there.  I’m more afraid I’ll hit her if she does try anything with my husband or my friends husband.  Don’t get me wrong, if they don’t push her away, she would be the last one I dealt with.  She is, after all, just another girl.  These men are married and should be able to control those urges.  If they can’t, that’s not this girls fault or problem.  I’m just worried this is all going to be a bad situation in general.  You know, thinking about it, if it were my husband and he didn’t push her away or something, I don’t think I’d bother doing anything.  I’m not sure my marriage is worth fighting for.  My friend on the other hand, she’s still fighting for hers.  I’m very protective of my friends and family, I can’t help myself.  I hate seeing people hurt!

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One thought on “Lonely + Drama

  1. You CAN have your friends over. It is you who makes this place a HOME. I doubt very much he has the courage to do anything. You can show him you are making changes here and NOW. It may shake him up a bit if he thinks you have a life besides his neglect. You can do this. As for the bimbo, she has her own issues. ‘out’ her…let people know her game and she may succumb to peer pressure…but you can only control how you feel n think in the end. Keep growing emotionally and good will follow. ♡♥

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