2nd entry of the day – Regarding my husband

Due to my grandparents birthdays, and my grandpas angel date coming up, I’ve been pretty anti-social.  I tend to avoid the phone, and even avoid conversations online with my online friends.  I also get very depressed and emotional.  This is normal for me though.  My husband isn’t helping at all.
He had all last week off work, he took his weeks holiday.  It was a terrible week.  Between yelling at the kids and I, getting drunk, and being out until all hours of the night, the kids didn’t even get to say good night to him.  That is one of my biggest pet peeves, that he doesn’t put the kids first.  I don’t care where I am on that list, but the kids deserve to be first priority, regardless.  Last week, Adam was home from school too with the double pink eye which ended up so bad he was crying blood.  Not once did he even get him a tissue or a warm wet cloth for his eyes.  He didn’t give him his medicine once.  Adam was waking at least 3 times a night asking for a cloth because his eyes were glued shut from the gunk which seemed more like a cement mix.  I have insomnia, and once I wake up, it normally takes at least an hour to fall back to sleep again.  Then I’m up at 6:45am to get the kids ready for school.  Tom was walking Grace to the bus last week, which I did appreciate, but he couldn’t make her lunch and let Adam and I sleep in a bit.  I had to wake him up, and once he was back home, he would go back to sleep.

Tuesday this week, Tom came home from work and immediately started yelling at the kids and I for any reason he could find.  I told him to leave, but he kept yelling.  I don’t think he heard me.  Finally he said “maybe I should just leave!”  And I replied “yes, that would be nice!”  He left but only for an hour and a half.  He didn’t even say bye to the kids.  Poor Adam was crying his little eyes out.  When Tom got home, I tried explaining that the kids and I, we don’t deserve to live this way.  We didn’t do anything wrong.  In fact, he wouldn’t know what had went on that day because he was too angry with one of the guys at work to see anything else.  It’s hard to keep doing this and the kids obviously don’t deserve it!  He did end up saying he knows we don’t deserve it, but that actually frustrated me even more simply because it happens so often.  If he knows, why doesn’t he try to change it?  Does he want to push us out?  Every time I’ve mentioned leaving, he says he will not want to see the kids, would rather go to jail than pay child support, he’ll leave the country, or will commit suicide.  In fact, the week before last, he came home from work talking about shooting himself in the head, loud enough that both kids heard him in the bedroom.  He kept talking about killing himself to get away from the stress.  I handed him a knife and pretty much told him to shut up and do it.  The suicide talk is getting old.  The kids though, they asked me why he wanted to shoot himself in the head.  Very disappointed and angry with Tom for having even said that knowing there are kids in the house!

That entry I had written, I think it’s the third or fourth one back, about the stripper who started working where hubby works and is sleeping with all these married men there, and is trying to sleep with my friends husband.  Chrissy.  If you haven’t read that entry, hubby always tells me who gets hired or fired, who gets in trouble, etc etc.  I’m his work outlet. :/  Anyway, one day, he started talking about a girl named Chrissy at work.  He said she had been there for a couple months when I asked.  A couple months and he had never mentioned her name.  Yesterday he comes home and it’s Chrissy this and Chrissy that.  I said he sure seems to have her on his mind a lot and he just giggled.  Tom has cheated on me before, so I’ll never trust him 100%.  However, he’s never been in a situation where someone’s throwing her cat all over the place.  Another thing is that she was a stripper.  She’s thin, not ugly, but not my type personally.  But the skinniness is definitely hubby’s type and I’m not skinny.  I’m not obese or anything, but skinny I am not.  He has told me I need to lose weight before, a bunch of times, I know his feelings on my weight, and I know his type.  Hasn’t changed since he was a teenager.
I suppose the positive side is that if he were to have an affair, it would give me that push I need to get the hell out of this prison I call home!


I’m late…Happy 70th birthday to Heaven

Nan…  My grandma, my mother.  She was born November 20th, 1943 and passed away in June 2006.  It would’ve been her 70th birthday on the 20th.  My grandpas just passed on the 18th, he passed away November 2006.  My grandma took very good care of me.  My grandpa, or Pop as I used to call him (Nana & Papa), he was the strong one, the disciplinary of the household.  He stood up for what he believed in and though he was tough, because he was such a strong man, he made me feel safe in any situation.  While my grandma, she was soft.  She had a heart of gold.  She was the one who would keep my secrets and give me the emotional support I needed.  Having my grandparents, I suppose was like having parents.  They were my safety net, especially through my pregnancy losses and my marriage.  Since they’ve been gone, it’s been extremely hard for me.  I know I could’ve left this marriage by now had they been here…but, that’s selfish to even think.

My grandma loved Christmas.  It was her favorite holiday.  She would be trying to get the tree up while Pop was telling her to wait until at least December 1st.  She had the most amazing manger and Christmas town all that plugged in.  It was beautiful.  When my grandma passed away, no one even recognized that I too lost my mom.  I didn’t really get to know my mom until I was 13.  I thought she didn’t love me, different story though.  It was tough to see everyone giving their sympathy to my mom, aunt and my uncle.  I just wanted to scream “I lost my parents too!”

I miss her so much.  I miss them both more than words could ever say.  The feeling of loss is still so new, even after 7 years.  What I would give to spend another birthday with them.
This is the last Christmas we spent together, 2005.

Happy 70th birthday Nan.  I love you.


A 72nd birthday wish to Heaven

I’m feeling about a million different things today.  For example, I feel I should have cut my nails prior to starting this post.  They’re so long it’s making typing very hard! lol  In all seriousness though, I’m feeling completely overwhelmed with emotions today.  I can feel it more because both kids are at school today, so I’m home alone.  If you’ve been reading my blog or have read any of the pages at the top, you’ll know that my grandparents raised me from 3 weeks old.  They were my parents up until 2006 when they both passed away.  My grandpa walked me down the aisle and gave me away in 2005.  He passed away November 24th, 2006 from lung cancer and my grandma on June 10th, 2006 after a brain injury.

Today would be my grandpas 72nd birthday.  He was just 65 years old when he passed away.  My grandma was only 62.  I suppose their ages play a roll in why I feel my life is half over at only 28 years old.
I remember sitting with him on his 65th birthday.  He was the kind of man that stayed strong until the end.  He never once wanted to show that he was, in fact, going to die.  He smiled.  He laughed.  He carried on normal conversations.  He also said “I love you” much more often though.  That day, that birthday meant so much to me.  That day was also the last time he ate anything…which was his cake.

Happy 72nd birthday Pop.  I miss you. (This is my mom, grandpa and my nephew Josh, November 18th, 2006, 65th birthday)

While we’re on the topic of dads right now, I’d like to write a little about my actual father.  This summer, my grandparents (my dads parents) have been very ill and have had surgeries.  I had went off on my dad a while back simply because I’m tired of the mind games.  He basically told me he doesn’t have time to deal with me and he hasn’t replied to a single thing I’ve said since.  Including when I text him to ask how Gran and Gramps are doing considering he was there.  He would not answer.  I had to text his wife, who did answer, which is also amazing.  I have tried numerous times to call and text, left messages (Laurie always said to leave a message and she’d call back) and noting, in over a year.  I’m done.  I can’t keep doing this to myself.  So the other day when I say Laurie update her facebook status to something about finally going on their honeymoon to the Riviera, I comment and said “Enjoy” and removed her as a friend.  They can’t even stop by when they’re in town seeing Laurie’s family…so no.  I’m sorry for the language, but I just don’t need that bullshit!  I had my dad.  He’s the one who tucked me in at night, who protected me and fought for my safety.  He’s the one who smacked my butt when I did something wrong, the one who taught me life isn’t about money and material items, it’s about family, love and loyalty.  You can be poor and happy with your family because you have each other, or you can be rich and alone trying to buy friendships and love.  I’d much rather be poor with my family because I won’t lie, I do need someone to lean on at times.  All the times my dad tried to kidnap me when I was little, all the lies, the time he tried to kill me because I didn’t want to live with him, all the heartbreak I felt, the broken promises which lead to empty words, for not even knowing my birthday…or age!  I’ll be honest and say I don’t even wish him the best, I just wish him away.  This will be the first and last time I post a photo of my father and his wife Laurie.  Clearing out the negativity in my life!

dave and laurie
Those are my two big ones currently.  On the 20th, there will be an entry on my grandma as it is her birthday, and another entry on the 24th regarding my grandpa as that will mark 7 years since his passing.  There will be a lot of photos and music.  I’m giving you a heads up so you’re aware of what you’re stepping into.


It never ends!

I’m slacking on my posts.  I’m finding it hard to keep up on my blog with everything, especially dealing with my son!  It was actually his 6th birthday yesterday!  Unfortunately, we were too broke to even get him a birthday present.  That has caused me a lot of guilt inside.  I’m feeling like a horrible parent these days.  Not only because of the lack of birthday presents, but because financially, we’re so far behind, I can’t even afford winter gloves for the kids right now, and we got a good foot of snow the other day; snowing again today as well.  I just feel terrible and very useless as a parent.  I can’t even provide what my children absolutely need.  I’m ashamed.

So my poor little guy was hospitalized not long ago for tonsillitis.  He had a doctor appointment a couple weeks after for a referral to the ENT.  While he was there, the doctor checked his throat and said his tonsils were still swollen and gave him a prescription for another dose of Dexamethasone.  He then proceeded to tell me he also has croup.  So he was again at home from school.  Thursday the 7th, he started complaining his eye was sore.  I figured he had something in it, or it was irritated from the wood stove we have.  Friday, his eye is leaking the puss stuff and dripping clear fluid.  It would roll down his cheek like a tear, drip off and land on his chest.  I went to the pharmacy to get him something for pink eye.  A few days later there was absolutely no improvement, it had spread to both eyes, he was waking up numerous times a night for a warm wet cloth so I could get his eyes unglued together (which would take 1.5 hours per eye sometimes), the eyelids were so swollen they were overlapping the eyelashes!  His eyelids were also very purple.  He looked horrible.  On Monday, I ended up taking him to the ER after that clear fluid that was leaking from his eyes ended up blood leaking from his eyes.  Scariest thing ever to see your child literally crying blood.  The ER doctor gave him an antibiotic ointment which I have to put inside his bottom eyelids, and eye drops to help with the pain and swelling.  Today is day 6 of that and though there’s still some pink, it’s a lot better.

He did miss all last week of school though, plus what he missed when he had croup, plus what he missed with his tonsillitis.  He’s missed nearly a month of school and it’s only the middle of November.  It’s hard to deal with all of this because he’s so far behind with school.  Not necessarily with school, but with learning.  Prior to all this medical stuff, I had a meeting with his teacher who told me at this rate, he will fail.  I am doing everything I can to make sure that doesn’t happen, but it just isn’t enough!  It’s hard trying to teach him without my little girl thinking she knows the answers and what not, they end up trying to play.  Plus all the other stuff, the house, trying to deal with my useless husband, dealing with my own health problems…and dental problems for that matter.  I am just so beyond stressed these days.

Lonely + Drama

First of all, my son is still sick.  I took him for his appointment on Tuesday to get the referral to the ENT for the tonsillectomy.  At that time, he was diagnosed with Croup and given a prescription for more Dexamethasone.  Just doesn’t seem to end for him.  He also lost a tooth on Halloween night while he was asleep and ended up swallowing it.  It was his first tooth!  The second, beside it, will be out any day as well.  He turns 6 on the 16th.  I can’t believe how fast they’ve grown.  Tugs at my heart strings!

On the marriage front, there hasn’t been too much arguing or anything.  But there’s a reason for this.  He seems completely oblivious to us, to his surrounding except work.  He gets home, does his own thing, sometimes that’s out cutting wood and then on to the computer to play Minecraft, or straight to the computer, or sometimes he leaves to go to a buddy’s house.  It’s been hard for me, I feel so lonely.  All I do is sit here in my house, not allowed friends, so that’s out of the question.  Put bars on the windows and I have my own personal prison.  He was threatening to cut off the phone and internet (and TV, same bill) but he hasn’t yet.  I don’t drive, I live out of city limits.  This is a prison to me.  I never thought I’d be spending my married life alone.  I thought I would have this marriage with a loving husband, of course with some problems because in my opinion, a marriage isn’t healthy if there are absolutely no problems at all.  I thought we’d be able to communicate our problems to each other and talk about them to help resolve them.  I thought I’d have a happy marriage, but I don’t.  I don’t have any of that.  I have the marriage certificate and a wedding ring that I don’t even wear.  I’ve worn it a few days out of the past, I’d say a good year and a half.  That doesn’t bother him, he doesn’t even notice.  But it’s not like I go out anywhere alone, except to the doctor or dentist, etc.

Where hubby works, there’s also been a lot of drama going on.  He has always told me when someone gets hired and gives me his opinion on them.  Some good, that they’ll make a great addition, some negative, some that I understand why they’re negative after meeting them. :/  We were talking about work a couple days ago and he mentions this girls name.  I asked who she was and he said a girl that started recently in the office.  I figured maybe a couple weeks since I had never heard of her, but she’s been there a good 2 months!  Not only this, but she used to be a stripper, which I’m not holding against her, but I had stripper friends and well, there was nothing monogamous about them to say the least.  This “new” girl is already sleeping with 2 of the married men there and trying to sleep with a friend of mines husband.  Why must women throw their cat around at married men?  Why give them the option?  They’re married, they’ve made a dedicated commitment.  Hubby keeps saying she’s ugly and he doesn’t talk to her, and I do try hard to believe him, though I know he doesn’t think she’s ugly, at least her body.  I’m not hubby’s type.  I’m not skinny.  I’m not obese, but I’m about 30lbs heavier than I’d like to be for my 4’10” frame.  I’m not fat, I’m fluffy.  She is thin, the type of woman he likes.  In fact, when hubby and I met, he told me if I had been 20lbs heavier, he wouldn’t have went out with me.  I was 118lbs then compared to the 135 – 140lbs I can’t seem to get below and keep bouncing to and from.  Makes me insecure.  He’s not attracted to me and that shows in our non existent sex life…our non existent marriage in general.  The fact that he didn’t tell me she was hired has me curious to know if he’s maybe hiding something.  Especially since his sex drive has dropped the past couple months or so.

His work is having a Christmas party next month and I’m honestly afraid of what could happen.  I’m not a violent person.  I admit I used to fight a lot as a teen, but I’ve grown up, I’m also not addicted to drugs anymore like I was back then.  However, when it comes to women sleeping with married men, I take it personally.  My friends slept with my hubby, though he was my boyfriend at the time.  I have never had a boyfriend who hasn’t cheated on me.  Regardless, it’s personal for me when someone comes in and attempts to ruin a happy home with children!  My poor friend there too, she’s having problems in her marriage like hubby and I do and this stupid girl is trying to sleep with her husband.  That is personal for me because she’s my friend.  She doesn’t deserve that, their son doesn’t deserve that!  So the Christmas party, I’m afraid shes going to hit on my friends hubby, or even my hubby and I won’t be able to control my anger.  I’ve been holding a lot of emotion in lately, I feel like a time bomb at this point.  I’m quiet and reserved, laid back for the most part.  I have no problem going with the flow to see how things turn out.  I’m good with finding positives in negative situations.  That’s me, it’s who I am.  Though the positive in this is knowing that perhaps there are a few husbands who’s wives can be freed of their bullshit and move on with their lives before the men bring home an STD or something.  The positive is knowing what the husband has done and being able to walk away from an unhealthy marriage.  On the other hand, would it happen if this girl didn’t try so hard to get together with these married men?

Like I was saying, I’m not violent, I’m quiet, etc.  However, I will not let people walk all over me or any friends I may have, even if I only get to talk to those friends online or at Christmas parties.  I may let hubby walk all over me, it’s a different situation though.  I’m afraid I will at the very least, make a big scene by telling her exactly what I think of her, what she’s doing, and tell her where to go and how to get there.  I’m more afraid I’ll hit her if she does try anything with my husband or my friends husband.  Don’t get me wrong, if they don’t push her away, she would be the last one I dealt with.  She is, after all, just another girl.  These men are married and should be able to control those urges.  If they can’t, that’s not this girls fault or problem.  I’m just worried this is all going to be a bad situation in general.  You know, thinking about it, if it were my husband and he didn’t push her away or something, I don’t think I’d bother doing anything.  I’m not sure my marriage is worth fighting for.  My friend on the other hand, she’s still fighting for hers.  I’m very protective of my friends and family, I can’t help myself.  I hate seeing people hurt!