Recent Events (A family thing)

Between my husband and I, I don’t have much to report.  It really hasn’t been too terrible at all since I’ve started this blog.  I am however, waiting for the poop to hit the fan.  It’s bound to happen, it always does.
I had started an entry a few days ago, but didn’t get the chance to finish.  My kids brought home a nasty cold from school and for some reason, it kicked my butt.  I’m still fighting it.  It’s mostly in my lungs now, which is hard with Asthma, but I’ll make it.  The entry was going to be about my past and the effects it’s had on me, and still have on me to this day.  I’ll save that for a future entry.  This one is just going to be personal life venting I believe.  I just need a space to get things on paper (so to speak) and out of my head.

My kids go up to my husbands grandparents on the weekends.  It gives me a chance to clean without a Tasmanian devil (or two in my case) going behind me, and also to sleep.  I have insomnia, simply because my brain doesn’t turn off at night.  My whole day and even life flashes through my brain along with many what if’s, hopes, fears, you name it!  On average, it takes me hours to get to sleep.  I’m also a night person, this can be a huge downfall.  Especially when you’re waking up at 6:30am to get your children ready for school.  I literally made a pot of coffee yesterday morning and forgot to put the pot underneath.  So, I had a huge mess all over my counter and my floor…which is carpet.  Wonderful.  Also mixed with the anemia I suffer from which causes fatigue, I’m just exhausted all the time.  Usually nauseated on and off throughout the day as well, more so in the mornings though which I believe is the anemia too.  Nausea is a symptom of low iron.  I’ve tried and tried to avoid the supplements, but it looks like I’m going to have no choice but to start taking them.  In liquid form too because I just can’t swallow pills!

So, the kids walked in the door on Sunday.  My son came over to me, jumped up onto my lap and just held onto me for 20 minutes.  He was sad.  He told me “Nanny smacked me here and here.”  Across both cheeks.  Nanny is my husbands grandma.  Hubby starts telling me that my son had smacked her first, but he was playing when he did it.  Regardless of meaning to smack her or not, you don’t hit kids, especially kids who aren’t yours!  I was furious!  And what made it was is that she is always telling the kids to hit the other one back if one of them hit the other.  Hitting is acceptable in that house, so why start being a hypocrite and smacking my son for doing something she’s been telling him is okay to do!  She was out of line there.  I know the things she lets them do, things I would never let them do and they tell me.  Not only did she smack my son, but she cut 5 inches of hair off my daughters head!  Her hair was almost to her bum!  I was livid!  That’s at least 5 times she’s cut her hair without my consent!  Not once has she even asked for my consent though.  Why would she…I’m just the Mom!

** Girly topics below this point **

I went to see the doctor a couple of weeks ago.  I was given a prescription for pain killers; Naproxen which is apparently very hard on your stomach.  You have to eat with it because it can cause bleeding ulcers and other tummy problems.  I’m afraid to take them.  My stomach feels horrible on a good day, never mind with something that very well may make me sick.  I haven’t come across a pain-killer (prescription, not Advil or Tylenol) that hasn’t made me vomit.  My body is very sensitive to any chemicals.  But I have them in case.   My doctor said it’s safer than taking 6 Advil every hour like I was doing.  Advil thins the blood which is a very bad thing to mix with anemia which also thins the blood.  The Naproxen is for abdominal pain.  I have Endometriosis, multiple ovarian cysts, I’m prone to uterus infections and I have IBS as well.  I have my two children, my girl and my boy.  I don’t plan to have more children, so I’m fighting to have a partial hysterectomy.  My mom had a partial hysterectomy at my current age due to cervical cancer.  They left her ovaries and fallopian tubes so she wouldn’t go through menopause.  I’d like the same procedure done not only to decrease the amount of pain, but also to reduce my chances of cervical cancer.  I have to be honest, it freaks me out a little bit.

I was also given birth control pills.  Not to stop a future pregnancy since hubby had a vasectomy 5 years ago, but to try to get me regular.  This experience was horrible.  If you’ve taken birth control pills, you know you start the day everything stops.  I did, I followed the instructions.  I took this tiny pill for 4 days.  For 4 days, my stomach was in my throat, I was dizzy, tired, my breasts were sore, I had a bad headache; I felt pregnant.  No thank you.  I stopped taking them.  A day later, I started a new cycle.  I will never make this mistake again.  These pills are called Marvelon and where I live, cost $30.  I paid $30 to feel like hell.  Back to the doctor I go.  He had mentioned something called an endometrial ablation.  This is hot water in a balloon which literally burns the inside of the uterus.  This sounds very painful to me.  My mom also had this and it didn’t help her at all, just caused pain.

Okay, tomorrow a post on my past and present and the effects it’s had on me.


My Poor Pup, Rest Peacefully

On Tuesday the 10th, I had to have my puppy Osiris put to sleep.  He wasn’t even a year old yet.  He was eating, but was vomiting everything back up.  He was very lethargic and would just lay there for the most part.  Sunday, he ate and seemed to have more energy.  He was up and running around.  That night, I noticed he had thrown up everything he had eaten.  Monday morning, he was worse.  Very lethargic, drooling excessively, vomiting, wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t drink.  I’m not even sure when he had drank water last or had food actually digest.  He was so skinny.  I thought he was heaving because his neck would get stiff, but his mouth wouldn’t open.  Turns out he was having seizures.  He couldn’t open his mouth due to the clenching.  Anyway, he opted to have him put to sleep.  My poor kids took it very hard the first night.
Short entry, but I wanted to share my pup.

Rest peacefully Osiris.


Psychological Outcomes From Abuse

To start off, I’m going to say it’s 1:30am and here I am awake, as usual.  I have had another bad night with my husband.  We were fighting though he didn’t call me names this time or tell me I’m a useless burden, he still said hurtful words.  It was calm for a bit, no words were spoken.  I broke the silence by asking if he could put the cushions back on the car seats because I was struggling with them.  They have been sitting in the kitchen for weeks now.  He said he was going to give them to a buddy at work.  His reply was that he would get around to it one of these days.  That made me angry, so I was going to put them away.  Somewhere other than in the kitchen at least.  He ended up getting up off the couch (he was laying there while I was cleaning), storming across the floor, taking both car seats and all the cushions and threw it all out the living room window.   Great, now I get to clean them up from my yard too! 😦

Okay, what I wanted to get into though, was emotional/psychological/verbal abuse causing things like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Acute Stress Disorder (or Reaction).
I’ve been reading that it’s not that common, but it does happen.  I was reading what someone who was experiencing PTSD was going through and it started to hit home a bit.  I went to MayoClinic and took a look at the symptom list, which is as follows:

Post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms are generally grouped into three types: intrusive memories, avoidance and numbing, and increased anxiety or emotional arousal (hyperarousal).

Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:

  • Flashbacks, or reliving the traumatic event for minutes or even days at a time
  • Upsetting dreams about the traumatic event

Symptoms of avoidance and emotional numbing may include:

  • Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
  • Feeling emotionally numb
  • Avoiding activities you once enjoyed
  • Hopelessness about the future
  • Memory problems
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Difficulty maintaining close relationships

Symptoms of anxiety and increased emotional arousal may include:

  • Irritability or anger
  • Overwhelming guilt or shame
  • Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Being easily startled or frightened
  • Hearing or seeing things that aren’t there

I have made the symptoms I currently experience are italic.  This is bad.  The flashbacks I get do not last days, but they last long enough to upset me.  It’s not seeing the events in my head, it’s hearing the words spoken to me/screamed at me.  This is one reason I can’t sleep.  I also have nightmares of my children dying…all the time.  I wake up in tears more nights than I don’t.  I think it has something to do with wanting to keep them safe though.  I’ve started sleeping with an Amethyst to ward off the bad dreams, it has been helping, thank Goddess!  The activity thing, well that’s been since the beginning, since he told me I wasn’t allowed friends.  My life was drained I guess.  My memory is shot.  I can barely remember what someone says minutes after they say it.  I mess up making coffee a lot of mornings; no filter, no coffee, no water, etc.  I actually forgot to put the pot back under a few times.  Irritability and anger.  Check!  I’m even irritable with my kids which makes me really upset, and then I feel guilty.  I do my best just to go take a 2 minute breather though.  It helps.  My nerves are also shot.  I am extremely jumpy.  For example, I got scared of a frog yesterday; the tiny little noise beside me.  When hubby comes home from work, when he opens the door, I jump damn near 10 feet.  Even if I know he’s on his way, I still jump.  My heart beats super hard and fast.  It’s terrible.  The hearing things and seeing things has increased.  Please do not think I’m crazy here.  This has been happening since I was a little girl.  Seeing visions and hearing people, having prophetic dreams, etc.  It’s a gift.  (Speaking of which, after dinner the other night, I was thinking to myself that my teeth felt gross and I should brush them.  My son who was still eating at the table turns to me and asks me why I want to brush my teeth!  It runs in the family!)  However, what I’m seeing and hearing is different.  This has been happening since I was young.  I believe since my great grandfather molested me.  More so after a family friend molested me and after my dad tried to kill me. (This is when I ended up in seclusion on the psych ward of the hospital.)  I was tested for Schizophrenia among a number of other things.

I’d also like to add the “When To See A Doctor” bit as well:

It’s normal to have a wide range of feelings and emotions after a traumatic event. You might experience fear and anxiety, a lack of focus, sadness, changes in how well you sleep or how much you eat, or crying spells that catch you off guard. You may have nightmares or be unable to stop thinking about the event. This doesn’t mean you have post-traumatic stress disorder.

But if you have these disturbing thoughts and feelings for more than a month, if they’re severe, or if you feel you’re having trouble getting your life back under control, talk to your health care professional. Getting treatment as soon as possible can help prevent PTSD symptoms from getting worse.

In some cases, post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms may be so severe that you need emergency help, especially if you’re thinking about harming yourself or someone else. If this happens, call 911 or other emergency medical service, or ask a supportive family member or friend for help.



The “Honeymoon” Phase of the Abusive Relationship

Reconciliation Stage

In the reconciliation stage, the abuser apologizes for harming his victim, is overly affectionate and caring, or chooses to ignore the incidents of abuse or blame them on the victim in some way. These events are often classified as the honeymoon phase. In this stage, the abuser will make it seem as though the violence is finished, assuring the victim that such incidents will never occur again or that the abuser will change. The abuser often feels overwhelming emotions of sadness and remorse, or at least he pretends to. Some abusers even threaten suicide to prevent the victim from leaving. Most abusers shower victims with love, purchasing them expensive gifts and treating them with extra kindness.

Calm Stage

The calm stage is thought to be an extension of the reconciliation stage. During the calm stage, the abuser tries really hard to be kind to the victim and does his best to restrain himself from harming this person. The abusive relationship becomes relatively peaceful and calm during this phase, which often convinces the victim that the abuser has indeed changed. Conflicts inevitably arise, however, which lead again into the tension-building stage of the relationship.

Read more:

Yes, I do believe this is where my husband and I have been for the past few weeks.  Or somewhere around this phase of the pattern at least since he has blown up a couple of times since the initial blow up causing the creation of this blog.  However, they weren’t nearly as bad as the initial blow up.  Normally, it doesn’t go this long without more blow ups that this, so this is new for me.  I also feel like it’s a terrible thing.  I’m much more confident to leave when he’s being mean that having him be nice to me.  It’s times like this that I change my mind about leaving.  It’s the false hope I end up with from the “nice guy” phase he’s in right now.  I hate this phase.  I feel so much love and passion for him when he’s like this, and it seems he does too.  He appreciates me and it feels like he cares.  But deep inside, I know the truth and in all honesty, I’ve been waiting for the storm to hit since a few days after the last big one.

I did come across a song that really hit home.  Actually, it hit home so much that it felt like it was my words; my story.  So I’d like to share that.

Home by Sheryl Crow

I woke up this morning and now I understand
What it means to give your life to just one man
Afraid of feeling nothing, no bees or butterflies
My head is full of voices and my house is full of lies

This is home, home
And this is home, home
This is home

I saw him standing there when I was seventeen
Now I’m thirty-two and I can’t remember what I’d seen in you
When I made a promise, said it everyday
Now I’m reading romance novels and I’m dreaming of yesterday

This is home, home
And this is home and this is home
This is home

I’d like to see The Riviera
And slow dance underneath the stars
I’d like to watch the sun come up
In a stranger’s arms

And this is home, home
And this is home, home
Home, home

I’m going crazy a little every day
And everything I wanted is now driving me away
I woke this morning to the sound of breaking hearts
Mine is full of questions and it’s tearing yours apart, tearing yours apart
And it’s tearing yours apart, it’s tearing yours apart
And it’s tearing us apart