Answering A Question Regarding My Abuser…My Husband

I have a couple of things to write about tonight. 🙂

A Group Application

I applied to join a private group on a website today.  This group is based around domestic abuse and offer a lot of support.  However, I hadn’t done anything with my privacy settings, so everything was public. (I did fix this issue)  The Admin sent me a message though asking why I wasn’t afraid of my husband or his family finding my blogs and posts.  Honestly, I just didn’t know to change the settings on that site.  However, my blogs (this one and the one at the top “The Girl In The Mirror”) are public.  I didn’t even think about him or his family finding anything.  It just didn’t even phase me.  Creating these blogs were for me, a coping mechanism and a place to vent.  Writing helps me and is a wonderful release for me.  For once I was only thinking about myself and not him.  I did think about making the blogs private for a few minutes, but my husband is computer illiterate, thankfully, and his family that he does have, they’re amazing people.  I’ve even spoken to a couple of them about my current situation.  Not in as much detail as I do here, but in some detail.  It’s only his aunt who uses the computer, and she only uses facebook, and only through her cell phone.  She’s also one of his family members I have spoken to.  No, I do not fear that he will find out.  Not only this, but everything I write in here, well it’s nothing that he doesn’t already know.  If he had been listening, he would know the exact emotions I’m feeling and have felt for years now.  He does know that I’m not happy here and does know I want to leave.  We have been down this road so many times though (me preparing to leave, but end up staying) that he doesn’t believe me.  It’s not that I just give in and decide I have nowhere to go, it’s the “honeymoon phase” of it that sucks me back in.  I am so deeply in love with that person.

Not only this, but I want to keep my blogs, my twitter, my instagram, and my facebook page for this blog public (for the most part) simply because I know for a fact there are many other women and girls who are going through this thinking they’re absolutely alone.  I know because I was one of them.  If I can help someone, even just one person, escape their abuser, than I would be forever thankful for having the chance to voice my experiences.  I am not ashamed of what’s going on, and my husband is not physically abusive.  I do not fear for my safety…sanity maybe, but not safety.  I’m quite aware this could change at anytime, but for now, no.

Entry For Today

Today was a pretty decent day.  Better than they have been, much better than last night.  I did a good thing today.  There’s a couple my husband and I know.  Older couple in their late 50’s and early 60’s, both who are on disability.  In turn, they get next to nothing for income.  They’re struggling just to buy food, never mind pay bills and what not.  So today, even though we’re financially behind, we’re still better off than they are, so I went through my cupboards and filled 4 grocery bags full of canned foods, mac and cheese, a cake mix, just a bunch of food.  I also decided to send over the turkey I had in the deep freeze.  They need it more than we do.  So that was my good deed for the day.  I also sent someone a message on facebook.  She does a lot of helping people, low-income families, families who are starting over, etc.  I would really like to donate all the baby stuff I have.  I was thinking of having a yard sale, but I would really like to donate it.  I have been getting a lot of help from random people lately, the least I can do is pay it forward.  She actually is going to bring me out a space heater and a fan on Thursday, at the same time, we’re going to pack her car full of baby stuff.  It’s good to be able to help people.  It feels good.

Today, I didn’t do too much.  I listened to music as I always do.  Oh, I did check the mail today and received a cheque for $75 from the college I attended.  I had spoken to a woman online a while ago about the college and the course.  She just wanted to know what my experience was like with the staff, and with the course.  I guess she decided to enroll and when she did so, said I referred her.  I received a cheque for referring her!  I’m hoping to be allowed to keep this money.  I’m not sure what I’d do with it, but it would just be nice to have so if I did see something I liked, for me or for the kids, I could grab it.  Or, I could almost pay off my cell phone bill.  Regardless, it was a nice surprise for me.

Other than that, my feelings today have been relatively happy.  I tried yet again to bring up the topic of emotional abuse with my husband.  He actually listened today.  We didn’t have much of a conversation about it, but I did tell him that I know it’s not him, it’s how he was raised.  I think it might have shocked him.  I always pushed that fact away that he was raised around all of that.  I didn’t take it into consideration that he was watching the emotional abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse and the physical abuse take place.  Also witnessing all the alcoholism taking place within his family, and in his home.  As well as having his mom move away when he was 7 years old.  And not just move away, but move 16 hours away to a different country.  I imagine that would be quite devastating and confusing for a 7 year old, or a child of any age for that matter!  After reading all the information Cindy gave me, as well as this one book I have, I realized it wasn’t just him being, well, rude to put it nicely.  I’m hoping to be able to get him to open his eyes and see that it is a problem and that maybe he could get some help to deal with his past, in turn, help him deal with his current issues.  There’s also a men’s shelter here who offers support and counselling for men who are abusers.  Not only that, but counselling for the couples.  I really feel like he would benefit from this program.  But, if he isn’t willing to do so by the time I’m strong enough to leave, then he isn’t willing and I will know I had tried everything I could to help him better himself.  Can’t help someone if they don’t want the help, right?

So here I am, 8:40PM.  I think tonight I’ll relax and watch a movie.  My kids are in bed already, hubby’s making a late night snack of pancakes for himself.  I have 4 week old kittens running all over the house.  Unfortunately, I have this allergy to animal dander.  My 2 cats are indoor/outdoor cats, I have an outdoor dog, and a small indoor dog.  The added 3 kittens have my allergies going crazy.  Especially my eyes.
A song to finish off today’s post as well.  I love this song and this woman sings it beautifully!  I was nearly in tears.  So powerful!

 

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One thought on “Answering A Question Regarding My Abuser…My Husband

  1. I too, can see that the abuse I am suffering at the hand of my husband stems directly from his upbringing. He has been through devastating traumas in his lifetime and has even admitted that when we first started dating he didn’t know any better. His parents fought and argued, my parents fought and argued. Somewhere in his mind (maybe both of our minds) maybe this was normal behavior. However, he is now 48 years old and after almost 25 years of marriage he is old enough, adult enough and man enough to KNOW what he is STILL doing is WRONG. The excuse is over. So is the honeymoon phase. I am grateful that you are not being physically abused (yet) and I hope that you do not try to fix your husband for the next 20+ years.

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