It Hurts Tonight

I’m feeling very hurt tonight.  It’s been a long, long time since I’ve felt wanted, loved, even respected in this marriage and tonight, it’s really bothering me.  It wasn’t necessarily a bad day, but he woke up, he went outside to work on the vehicles, went to his buddy’s house and spent a few hours there.  He came home to work on a different vehicle, than had a shower, played solitaire on his phone, then passed out on the couch.  He then got mad at me for asking him to move to the bed.  I have a pet peeve of people sleeping on couches, not sure why.  I guess in a way, he works 8am until 6pm or so Monday to Friday, then he’s usually outside or not home and by the time he comes home, he either has a shower and passes out, or just passes out.  So to see him sleeping on the couch, it pisses me off in a way because I think we should have just a little time to spend together a day.  But it doesn’t matter to him.  I’m invisible to him unless I haven’t done whatever he’s asked me to do, or what he expects me to do.  It hurts.  It hurts a lot, all the time.

What makes it worse is that I try to talk to him.  I try to talk calmly and simply and smile while I’m talking at times, just try to make it as much of a civilized conversation as possible, but he blows it out of proportion.  I always say something that somehow offends him and he gets mad at me.  He did manage to tell me that the words he says (calling me a burden for example) is out of anger.  He said this while getting mad at me for bringing up what he’s said in the past. (like calling me a burden)  The thing with that kind of stuff is that it still hurts me.  I don’t care if he meant it or not, he’s my husband.  I trust the words that come out of his mouth.  Or some of them now, but things like that, they stick.  They open a new wound, plus peel the scabs off old wounds that have yet to heal simply because he has never given me the chance to resolve them.  I think at this point, there’s been too much said in the 14 years to have a conversation and get over everything.  I look at him and I can predict how the conversation will go.  I avoid certain topics because I’m not up for the argument.  Or I try to talk about things but always end up being the bad guy.  I just don’t understand it!

He’s always so distant and cold until I voice that I want to leave.  Then his attitude is different; he loves me, he hugs me, he holds me, he’s nice…  It’s all just a game to him.  It’s the “cycle of abuse” that I’ve been learning about.  Regardless, I like that guy.  That sweet guy who has a heart.  I’m so happy during that time; it’s too bad it only lasts about a week or two.  Actually, after that last big fight, it was great between us.  He was that sweet guy, but since then, it slowly starts to wear off and his true colors come into action.  I again see that man who I despise.  I see the reasons I wanted to leave in the first place and of course, the feelings and words spoken in the past arise in my head.  I wish he would leave me.  Just walk away.  It would make it an easy choice for me to leave simply because I wouldn’t have one!

I hurt tonight because I know what I need to do.  I’ve known for years.  I’m angry at myself for not being strong enough to do it.  I feel like a failure to keep my children in this situation.  I feel like a failure in general.  I don’t know who I am, I don’t have any friends, my family lives 8 hours away, I don’t drive, and I don’t work.  What am I?  Oh that’s right.  Over the years, I’ve turned into a verbal and emotional punching bag for him to use as he pleases.  I have nothing, I own nothing, if it weren’t for my kids, I’d be alone in this world.  Sometimes I wish I were more materialistic like he is, maybe I could see things from his point of view.  It’s too bad he can’t be more, what is the word I’m looking for here…human?  I’m tempted to use human.  I just wish he could have a heart.  Why did he marry me if he honestly doesn’t care about me, the way I feel, or when I’m hurting?  Why doesn’t he care?

Marriage and relationships are about compromise.  I have compromised so much to be with him.  I’ve given up everything to be with him.  I’ve given up my friends, I’ve given up any self-confidence and self-worth I had and I had a lot!  I was the one who always had her head up high.  On that note, I’ve also given up myself as a person.  I’ve been too busy struggle through the hurt and trying to mould myself into who he thinks I should be, which in my opinion is a stepford wife, that it’s been years, many years since I was that girl with the confidence and worth.

It hurts tonight.

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