Okay, only human here. I was posting in my other blog (link at the top called “Girl In The Mirror”) and was linking to one of my favorite songs on YouTube and came across a live video of her singing it. In the middle of a hard day, I definitely know what to throw on for a quick distraction! Anyone like Christina Aguilera? I love her, her voice is amazing and her words have so much power within them. Walk Away has been a favorite of mine for a long time and if you’re a straight woman, or gay/bi man, I think you may like this video! 😉 Take a look: Walk Away – Christina Aguilera, it’ll open in a new window. Excuse me while I purchase my passport, plane ticket and concert ticket! 😉 Thank you Christina for the distraction in my hectic life!
Now on to real life things. I have my appointment tomorrow morning. I have not concealed it like I was sure I would have by now. The kids have kept me strong enough. I know it’s one thing for me to go through this, but them, they don’t need this. I will not have them raised this way. Even if it is a slow process for me to leave, at least I’m making progress. For me, after 14 years together, that’s a big deal. Growing up, I always heard and was taught about physical abuse, and of course sexual abuse and assault because I’ve been through being raped and molested, as well as a physically abusive relationship. Emotional abuse is something that was never mentioned to me. I honestly had no idea. To be with him since I was 14 and have the abuse start at that point, I was blind to it. I had no chance to learn what it was. My friends couldn’t tell me simply because I wasn’t allowed to have friends.
One of the things that has hurt the most in the 14 years together though, is when I was having miscarriage after miscarriage. I remember sitting on the couch in our home, crying my eyes out a week after miscarrying at just over 8 weeks. He came up and actually got mad at me for crying and told me I should be over it by now. I lost my child, I had lost what should have been my future. No, I will not get over it, I will never get over it completely. I will always be wondering what kind of person that child (and the other losses) would be today. It hurt me so deep inside to hear those words come from his mouth; he was the dad after all.
As I’m looking closer at my life, I’ve realized that (TMI) I use sex as a way to escape my reality. I think this may be worth mentioning at my appointment tomorrow since this woman will be my counsellor as well. It seems though that it doesn’t matter if I’m “in the mood” or not, I want it all the time simply because I get to escape reality for a while. I imagine this is not healthy. Possibly more so for me with all my health problems. It’s funny though, a lot of my health problems have started after meeting my husband. The digestive problems, the skin rashes with no causes, the chronic fatigue, the tachycardia. I’ve always had abdominal issues. Endometriosis and multiple ovarian cysts mainly. It can cause quite a bit of pain though, especially during sex. Yet I just don’t care if it hurts. The pain goes away after a little bit. Even then though, I’m concentrating on the pain in my body, the physical pain of what I’m doing at that moment, no thoughts of life flashing through my head. The constant stream of thoughts is also the cause of my insomnia. I find I can never get a decent sleep either, I’m so tired all the time.
Since the initial blow up he had, it’s been great here. This is normally how it goes though. He explodes, he apologizes, things are good for a while, he starts to get angry, and angrier, explodes, and repeats the whole process. I suppose this is the cycle I’ve been hearing about. But it’s been great regardless, which is when I fall back to thinking it’ll be okay. Maybe he means he’s sorry this time. Maybe he’s actually trying this time. Without him getting some much needed help though, I know it’s all this cycle of abuse. It’s all it’s ever been.