What I have realized

I have realized this will be a long process for me.  Yes, the emotionally aspects of it all, the healing, etc, but the actual leaving him may take some time for me.  No, I’m not exactly afraid to leave, but I am heartbroken.  After all, who goes into a marriage thinking it will end; especially due to any type of abuse.  I have done quite a bit of thinking over the past couple days.  Yesterday, I found a book called “Healing The Scars Of Emotional Abuse.”  A lot of good information in that book; a lot of “aha” and “oh” moments.  I’m still on the lookout for more books though, and would love to find some sort of work book to work through.  If you have any recommendations, please let me know, I’m open to anything right now and am all about learning about emotional and verbal abuse, why it happens, the forms, ways to cope, what type of programs that will help; I’d even like to find information on Life Coaches for the future.  I think a life coach may be a healthy choice for me.  I have a friend who is a life coach here in town.  Unfortunately, his specialty isn’t in the category we both think would benefit me best; personal self-improvement.  The price of a life coach scared me a bit though.  He said the price ranges between $20 – $80 per session depending on experience and circumstance.  I can’t afford anything at this point.  Plus, I think the counselling is the best start.

My plan is to keep my appointment on Thursday morning, of course.  As much as I would like to back out of everything at this point, I’m not going to.  I need to go there, I need to speak with Cindy.  Cindy is going to show me the cycle of abuse, the common ways they abuse, etc etc.  She also has books and what not to show me, so in some ways, I’m actually very excited about this appointment.  I’m looking forward to getting set up with the counselling they offer.  Cindy will actually be my counsellor, which is nice because I like her.  She seems very personable and has also been where I am now and isn’t afraid to share her story with me.  I appreciate that a lot.  It’s different talking to someone who says they understand though they haven’t personally been through that sort of situation than it is to sit down and talk to someone who has the personal experience.  They can actually understand and relate because they know exactly what I’m going through and how I’m feeling.  She is also just finishing her psychology degree, which is awesome!

So I’m going to get setup with the counselling.  This will be done over the phone since I live out of city limits and don’t drive.  Also because hubby doesn’t know any of this is going on, just that I’m unhappy.  What I’m hoping to gain through the counselling, is self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth.  At this point, I’m afraid I’d leave and end up breaking down.  I need to know deep inside that I am strong enough to do this.  I need to be strong enough for my kids.  They will need me more than ever at that time and I will not let them down.  My plan is to do the counselling, work on myself, and also learn as much as I can about emotional and verbal abuse.  During this time, continue to blog about my situation.  I’m hoping I can reach out to others who may be going through this too.

What I’ve learned about emotional abuse is that in some ways, it can be a physical type of abuse.  Not physical towards the body, but physical in the sense of hitting walls, or breaking things for example.  The partner does not have to be physically abusive to have you fear him or her, these rage fits are enough to keep you on eggshells.  This explains a lot in my case.  The reason my entire body jumps about 10 feet when he comes home from work.  I’m afraid of the argument, the anger, the hurtful words he says, the degrading words he says, the names, all of it.  It’s much more than just calling someone a bitch and having hurt their feelings.  This is part of it, but there is more that can happen in an emotionally abusive relationship.

I’m learning more about my situation, and it feels good.

I also wanted to say that I have added a new link to the navigation bar at the top called “The Girl In The Mirror.”  This is a link to another blog I have which is based on healing myself.
Please feel free to take a look at it.  I’m always open to suggestions, advice, or recommendations on the topic, so please leave me a comment or contact me if you would like to get in touch with me.

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