My abusive biological father

I was raised by my grandparents and had the best Daddy in the world.  Both my grandparents passed away in 2006 though, something I struggle with on a daily basis.  That will be a different entry.  It’s time to write about my father.  Hubby and I were actually talking about dads in general last night.  His dad, well he doesn’t know his dad.  He’s never met him, but does know he has half brothers and half sisters.  It’s been tough for him, but I feel he’s lucky to have never met him; to avoid the pain of trying too hard to form and keep a relationship with someone who doesn’t really care.  I could never personally deny my children.  I gave them life sure, but in turn, they gave me life!

As a small with a little brother and a little sister, my dad left.  We watched as he drove away in anger.  This was the best thing that could have happened to my mom though, in my opinion.  My father pushed my mom so hard that she nearly went through the glass balcony door of her apartment.  He pushed her into the bathtub at 6 months pregnant with my sister, causing her to go into labor which they couldn’t stop.  He would make promises to us, tell us he would come this day or that day and never show up.  When he left, that day he drove away, I looked at my mom and asked “Is daddy a fucking asshole?”  She decided to answer honestly and told me yes, sometimes he is.  Little did I know, she meant yes, yes he is, all the time.

When I was 10, my dad lived not far from me.  I’d go and see him and spent a lot of time over there.  I loved his girlfriend’s sons, it was great to have step brothers, or older siblings in general.  I spent more days than I didn’t spending time with my step brother Tommy.  It was just wonderful to have my whole family together in this town.  Then, my dad and his girlfriend moved.  It was a few years later when my dad asked if I’d like to move in with him.  I told him maybe.  Eventually, I did say yes.  They made a trip to come see family, and to come and get me.  The problem was, I had changed my mind.  I couldn’t leave my grandparents.  I was a very bad, rebellious pre-teen and teen, but I knew where home was.  When I told him this over the phone, he blew up.  By that, I mean went completely crazy.  He started yelling at me, calling me names and calling me down, and told me he was going to kill me.

It was a while before I started talking to him again, but I did.  I don’t know why.  Blood is thicker than the tears I had cried I suppose.  Throughout the rest of my teen years up until now at 28 years old, all I’ve wanted is a relationship with my father, but it has proven to be impossible.  He has said so many things, made so many promises; broken all the promises and never stuck to his word.  He lives 8 hours away, so I’d call just to say hi and see how he was doing.  But he told me he wasn’t a phone person.  I only spoke to him every few months or half a year.  He was invited to my wedding in 2005, but he said he wasn’t coming because my half-sister (his daughter) and her mom would be there.  The following year, hubby and I attended his wedding.  For me, I was showing him that I was the bigger person.

Since then, I’ve spoken to him maybe 5 times total.  I speak to his wife more often than I do him.  A few years ago, he told me he would prefer to text, so we text back and for often for a couple of months.  Then he just stopped, and stopped replying.  So one day, I sent him a text telling him exactly how I felt about the whole situation, it wasn’t pretty.  He ended up getting mad at me, telling me that he was not having this conversation right now.  He went off on me about being at his parents house.  Gran was in the hospital for knee surgery.  They’re in their 80’s.  He said they’re getting old, etc and that they’re going to die soon.  I told him I understood that because I lost my parents in 2006!  Hell, when my grandpa was dying, he asked “How is your dad doing?”  He knows he’s never been my Dad.  I haven’t spoken to him since that text, he won’t even reply.

Now for me, regardless of all the hurt he’s caused me, I still have this longing to be his daughter.  I still hurt so deeply every time I don’t hear anything back, every time my birthday goes by and I hear nothing (he doesn’t know my birthday), the fact that when he comes to town, he can’t stop by for even two minutes.  It hurts me, a lot.  Why do I keep trying?  Why can’t I just push this man out of my life, out of my heart and far away from my emotions?  He doesn’t want anything to do with me anyway!  Yet I sit here and hurt, and hope that one day he’ll decided he wants to be my dad.  I’ve never been good enough for him…my first wrong in his eyes was being female.  He wanted a son.  It hasn’t stopped since then.  He actually made me give him a car (a ’66 Comet) I got as a wedding present from my grandpa, he made me give it to him.  He went off about how it was technically his and to do the right thing and to not cause drama.  So I said fine, and gave him the car.  Even though my grandpa had already passed away.  I was so beyond hurt he even brought it up!  They live in a huge house and have many old classic muscle cars, and new cars, etc.  I have a house that’s falling apart, and not even one running vehicle right now, no classic cars.  How could he be so selfish?

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Answering A Question Regarding My Abuser…My Husband

I have a couple of things to write about tonight. 🙂

A Group Application

I applied to join a private group on a website today.  This group is based around domestic abuse and offer a lot of support.  However, I hadn’t done anything with my privacy settings, so everything was public. (I did fix this issue)  The Admin sent me a message though asking why I wasn’t afraid of my husband or his family finding my blogs and posts.  Honestly, I just didn’t know to change the settings on that site.  However, my blogs (this one and the one at the top “The Girl In The Mirror”) are public.  I didn’t even think about him or his family finding anything.  It just didn’t even phase me.  Creating these blogs were for me, a coping mechanism and a place to vent.  Writing helps me and is a wonderful release for me.  For once I was only thinking about myself and not him.  I did think about making the blogs private for a few minutes, but my husband is computer illiterate, thankfully, and his family that he does have, they’re amazing people.  I’ve even spoken to a couple of them about my current situation.  Not in as much detail as I do here, but in some detail.  It’s only his aunt who uses the computer, and she only uses facebook, and only through her cell phone.  She’s also one of his family members I have spoken to.  No, I do not fear that he will find out.  Not only this, but everything I write in here, well it’s nothing that he doesn’t already know.  If he had been listening, he would know the exact emotions I’m feeling and have felt for years now.  He does know that I’m not happy here and does know I want to leave.  We have been down this road so many times though (me preparing to leave, but end up staying) that he doesn’t believe me.  It’s not that I just give in and decide I have nowhere to go, it’s the “honeymoon phase” of it that sucks me back in.  I am so deeply in love with that person.

Not only this, but I want to keep my blogs, my twitter, my instagram, and my facebook page for this blog public (for the most part) simply because I know for a fact there are many other women and girls who are going through this thinking they’re absolutely alone.  I know because I was one of them.  If I can help someone, even just one person, escape their abuser, than I would be forever thankful for having the chance to voice my experiences.  I am not ashamed of what’s going on, and my husband is not physically abusive.  I do not fear for my safety…sanity maybe, but not safety.  I’m quite aware this could change at anytime, but for now, no.

Entry For Today

Today was a pretty decent day.  Better than they have been, much better than last night.  I did a good thing today.  There’s a couple my husband and I know.  Older couple in their late 50’s and early 60’s, both who are on disability.  In turn, they get next to nothing for income.  They’re struggling just to buy food, never mind pay bills and what not.  So today, even though we’re financially behind, we’re still better off than they are, so I went through my cupboards and filled 4 grocery bags full of canned foods, mac and cheese, a cake mix, just a bunch of food.  I also decided to send over the turkey I had in the deep freeze.  They need it more than we do.  So that was my good deed for the day.  I also sent someone a message on facebook.  She does a lot of helping people, low-income families, families who are starting over, etc.  I would really like to donate all the baby stuff I have.  I was thinking of having a yard sale, but I would really like to donate it.  I have been getting a lot of help from random people lately, the least I can do is pay it forward.  She actually is going to bring me out a space heater and a fan on Thursday, at the same time, we’re going to pack her car full of baby stuff.  It’s good to be able to help people.  It feels good.

Today, I didn’t do too much.  I listened to music as I always do.  Oh, I did check the mail today and received a cheque for $75 from the college I attended.  I had spoken to a woman online a while ago about the college and the course.  She just wanted to know what my experience was like with the staff, and with the course.  I guess she decided to enroll and when she did so, said I referred her.  I received a cheque for referring her!  I’m hoping to be allowed to keep this money.  I’m not sure what I’d do with it, but it would just be nice to have so if I did see something I liked, for me or for the kids, I could grab it.  Or, I could almost pay off my cell phone bill.  Regardless, it was a nice surprise for me.

Other than that, my feelings today have been relatively happy.  I tried yet again to bring up the topic of emotional abuse with my husband.  He actually listened today.  We didn’t have much of a conversation about it, but I did tell him that I know it’s not him, it’s how he was raised.  I think it might have shocked him.  I always pushed that fact away that he was raised around all of that.  I didn’t take it into consideration that he was watching the emotional abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse and the physical abuse take place.  Also witnessing all the alcoholism taking place within his family, and in his home.  As well as having his mom move away when he was 7 years old.  And not just move away, but move 16 hours away to a different country.  I imagine that would be quite devastating and confusing for a 7 year old, or a child of any age for that matter!  After reading all the information Cindy gave me, as well as this one book I have, I realized it wasn’t just him being, well, rude to put it nicely.  I’m hoping to be able to get him to open his eyes and see that it is a problem and that maybe he could get some help to deal with his past, in turn, help him deal with his current issues.  There’s also a men’s shelter here who offers support and counselling for men who are abusers.  Not only that, but counselling for the couples.  I really feel like he would benefit from this program.  But, if he isn’t willing to do so by the time I’m strong enough to leave, then he isn’t willing and I will know I had tried everything I could to help him better himself.  Can’t help someone if they don’t want the help, right?

So here I am, 8:40PM.  I think tonight I’ll relax and watch a movie.  My kids are in bed already, hubby’s making a late night snack of pancakes for himself.  I have 4 week old kittens running all over the house.  Unfortunately, I have this allergy to animal dander.  My 2 cats are indoor/outdoor cats, I have an outdoor dog, and a small indoor dog.  The added 3 kittens have my allergies going crazy.  Especially my eyes.
A song to finish off today’s post as well.  I love this song and this woman sings it beautifully!  I was nearly in tears.  So powerful!

 

It Hurts Tonight

I’m feeling very hurt tonight.  It’s been a long, long time since I’ve felt wanted, loved, even respected in this marriage and tonight, it’s really bothering me.  It wasn’t necessarily a bad day, but he woke up, he went outside to work on the vehicles, went to his buddy’s house and spent a few hours there.  He came home to work on a different vehicle, than had a shower, played solitaire on his phone, then passed out on the couch.  He then got mad at me for asking him to move to the bed.  I have a pet peeve of people sleeping on couches, not sure why.  I guess in a way, he works 8am until 6pm or so Monday to Friday, then he’s usually outside or not home and by the time he comes home, he either has a shower and passes out, or just passes out.  So to see him sleeping on the couch, it pisses me off in a way because I think we should have just a little time to spend together a day.  But it doesn’t matter to him.  I’m invisible to him unless I haven’t done whatever he’s asked me to do, or what he expects me to do.  It hurts.  It hurts a lot, all the time.

What makes it worse is that I try to talk to him.  I try to talk calmly and simply and smile while I’m talking at times, just try to make it as much of a civilized conversation as possible, but he blows it out of proportion.  I always say something that somehow offends him and he gets mad at me.  He did manage to tell me that the words he says (calling me a burden for example) is out of anger.  He said this while getting mad at me for bringing up what he’s said in the past. (like calling me a burden)  The thing with that kind of stuff is that it still hurts me.  I don’t care if he meant it or not, he’s my husband.  I trust the words that come out of his mouth.  Or some of them now, but things like that, they stick.  They open a new wound, plus peel the scabs off old wounds that have yet to heal simply because he has never given me the chance to resolve them.  I think at this point, there’s been too much said in the 14 years to have a conversation and get over everything.  I look at him and I can predict how the conversation will go.  I avoid certain topics because I’m not up for the argument.  Or I try to talk about things but always end up being the bad guy.  I just don’t understand it!

He’s always so distant and cold until I voice that I want to leave.  Then his attitude is different; he loves me, he hugs me, he holds me, he’s nice…  It’s all just a game to him.  It’s the “cycle of abuse” that I’ve been learning about.  Regardless, I like that guy.  That sweet guy who has a heart.  I’m so happy during that time; it’s too bad it only lasts about a week or two.  Actually, after that last big fight, it was great between us.  He was that sweet guy, but since then, it slowly starts to wear off and his true colors come into action.  I again see that man who I despise.  I see the reasons I wanted to leave in the first place and of course, the feelings and words spoken in the past arise in my head.  I wish he would leave me.  Just walk away.  It would make it an easy choice for me to leave simply because I wouldn’t have one!

I hurt tonight because I know what I need to do.  I’ve known for years.  I’m angry at myself for not being strong enough to do it.  I feel like a failure to keep my children in this situation.  I feel like a failure in general.  I don’t know who I am, I don’t have any friends, my family lives 8 hours away, I don’t drive, and I don’t work.  What am I?  Oh that’s right.  Over the years, I’ve turned into a verbal and emotional punching bag for him to use as he pleases.  I have nothing, I own nothing, if it weren’t for my kids, I’d be alone in this world.  Sometimes I wish I were more materialistic like he is, maybe I could see things from his point of view.  It’s too bad he can’t be more, what is the word I’m looking for here…human?  I’m tempted to use human.  I just wish he could have a heart.  Why did he marry me if he honestly doesn’t care about me, the way I feel, or when I’m hurting?  Why doesn’t he care?

Marriage and relationships are about compromise.  I have compromised so much to be with him.  I’ve given up everything to be with him.  I’ve given up my friends, I’ve given up any self-confidence and self-worth I had and I had a lot!  I was the one who always had her head up high.  On that note, I’ve also given up myself as a person.  I’ve been too busy struggle through the hurt and trying to mould myself into who he thinks I should be, which in my opinion is a stepford wife, that it’s been years, many years since I was that girl with the confidence and worth.

It hurts tonight.

Emotional Abuse – First Appointment

I set my alarm on my cell phone last night for 8 AM,  My husband leaves for work around 7:30 AM or so and for some reason, I’ve been sleeping right through his alarm, him getting ready for work, and the car leaving.  I woke with my alarm going off and realized I didn’t feel the best.  This is a normal part of my morning though.  I feel sick to my stomach more often than I don’t.  My kids were still asleep, so I made my coffee and sat at the computer for a bit.  It takes me hours to wake up in the mornings; just not a morning person.  I started to realize though, that I was actually really nervous about the appointment.  It was the official beginning to leaving.  It’s one thing to make an appointment, nothing to it.  You can still back out, cancel, not show up.  But I did, I went, I took that first tiny baby step.  Of course, I had both kids with me, so they did some coloring while I waited for Cindy, my worker.  I also had to fill out a bit of paperwork while I waited.

Cindy was running a bit late, not a problem at all though.  It gave me some time to relax a little bit.  It wasn’t long until she called me in though.  She said we couldn’t talk about too much because the kids were there.  Very understandable.  So, we didn’t actually talk about much.  She went over what she does and how she can help me, she gave me a book and some handouts regarding abuse, the program called “Children Who Witness Abuse,” an application form for BC Housing, and a bunch of legal aid information.  She wrote down pretty much everything I need to know; when they’re available, the numbers to call, etc.  We went through the cycle of abuse, there are a bunch of different phases in it.  He shows qualities in all but 2 of them, and those 2 are about religion and culture.  We also booked the next appointment, it’s for Wednesday at 3:15 PM.  I’m hoping my uncle will be available to take me and possibly watch the kids while I go in.  If not, I’ll have to reschedule.  She doesn’t want to start with the phone sessions until she knows me better and can understand what I’m feeling through my voice, which if fine with me.

My uncle took the kids and I out for lunch after the appointment.  The kids had a lot of fun, but they always do with their Uncle Vin…or should I say Uncle Bin.  We just chatted, didn’t talk about too much on a personal front.  It was good though just to have the company.  Now that I’m back home, I’m tired, ready to sleep kind of tired.  I wanted to just go through this cycle of abuse though, for myself, and highlight what goes on in this house.  Also putting this out there for anyone else possibly going through the same thing.
Italic are what I experience in this marriage; I have also added the cycle of abuse for anyone who is unaware of what it includes.  From my experience in my marriage, this is true.

Using Intimidation

  • Making her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures
  • Smashing things
  • Destroying her property
  • Abusing pets
  • Displaying weapons
  • Driving too fast when angry

Using Emotional Abuse

  • Putting her down
  • Making her feel bad about herself
  • Calling her names
  • Making her think she’s crazy
  • Playing mind games
  • Humiliating her
  • Making her feel guilty

Using Isolation

  • Controlling what she does, who she sees, who she talks to, what she reads, where she goes
  • Limiting her outside involvement
  • Using jealousy to justify actions

Minimizing, Denying And Blaming

  • Making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously
  • Saying the abuse didn’t happen
  • Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior
  • Saying she caused it

Using Family

  • Making her feel guilty about the children
  • Using the children to relay messages
  • Using visitations to harass her
  • Threatening to take the children away

Spiritual Abuse

  • Putting down her beliefs, her values, her way of being in the world

Cultural Abuse

  • Using culture as an excuse for the abuse, i.e. – “In my culture it is acceptable to beat your wife.”

Using Coercion And Threats

  • Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her
  • Threatening to leave her, to commit suicide
  • Making her drop charges
  • Making her do illegal things

Using Economic Abuse

  • Making her ask for money
  • Giving her an allowance
  • Taking her money
  • Not letting her know about or have access to family income
  • Taking over control of her money

Using Privilege

  • Treating her like a servant
  • Making all the decisions
  • Acting like the “master of the castle”
  • Being the one to define men’s and women’s roles, child and parent roles

The “cycle of abuse” is as follows:

Honeymoon Phase (this also includes when you first start dating, that happy period of time)

  • Apologetic
  • Promises to change
  • Shows affection
  • Wants to have sex
  • Agrees to go for counselling
  • Shows interest in communicating
  • More attentive to family and me
  • Helps around the house
  • Gives gifts and compliments

Tension Phase

  • Insults
  • Threats
  • Sarcasm
  • Jealousy
  • Accusations
  • Fault finding
  • Controls what I do
  • Quick mood changes
  • Emotionally distant

Explosion Phase

  • Intimidating body language
  • Constrains me from leaving
  • Throwing things
  • Slamming doors
  • Silent treatment
  • Physical assault
  • Name calling
  • Swearing
  • Yelling

Another Day, Another….what was I saying?

Okay, only human here.  I was posting in my other blog (link at the top called “Girl In The Mirror”) and was linking to one of my favorite songs on YouTube and came across a live video of her singing it.  In the middle of a hard day, I definitely know what to throw on for a quick distraction!  Anyone like Christina Aguilera?  I love her, her voice is amazing and her words have so much power within them.  Walk Away has been a favorite of mine for a long time and if you’re a straight woman, or gay/bi man, I think you may like this video! 😉  Take a look: Walk Away – Christina Aguilera, it’ll open in a new window.  Excuse me while I purchase my passport, plane ticket and concert ticket! 😉  Thank you Christina for the distraction in my hectic life!

Now on to real life things.  I have my appointment tomorrow morning.  I have not concealed it like I was sure I would have by now.  The kids have kept me strong enough.  I know it’s one thing for me to go through this, but them, they don’t need this.  I will not have them raised this way.  Even if it is a slow process for me to leave, at least I’m making progress.  For me, after 14 years together, that’s a big deal.  Growing up, I always heard and was taught about physical abuse, and of course sexual abuse and assault because I’ve been through being raped and molested, as well as a physically abusive relationship.  Emotional abuse is something that was never mentioned to me.  I honestly had no idea.  To be with him since I was 14 and have the abuse start at that point, I was blind to it.  I had no chance to learn what it was.  My friends couldn’t tell me simply because I wasn’t allowed to have friends.

One of the things that has hurt the most in the 14 years together though, is when I was having miscarriage after miscarriage.  I remember sitting on the couch in our home, crying my eyes out a week after miscarrying at just over 8 weeks.  He came up and actually got mad at me for crying and told me I should be over it by now.  I lost my child, I had lost what should have been my future.  No, I will not get over it, I will never get over it completely.  I will always be wondering what kind of person that child (and the other losses) would be today.  It hurt me so deep inside to hear those words come from his mouth; he was the dad after all.

As I’m looking closer at my life, I’ve realized that (TMI) I use sex as a way to escape my reality.  I think this may be worth mentioning at my appointment tomorrow since this woman will be my counsellor as well.  It seems though that it doesn’t matter if I’m “in the mood” or not, I want it all the time simply because I get to escape reality for a while.  I imagine this is not healthy.  Possibly more so for me with all my health problems.  It’s funny though, a lot of my health problems have started after meeting my husband.  The digestive problems, the skin rashes with no causes, the chronic fatigue, the tachycardia.  I’ve always had abdominal issues.  Endometriosis and multiple ovarian cysts mainly.  It can cause quite a bit of pain though, especially during sex.  Yet I just don’t care if it hurts.  The pain goes away after a little bit.  Even then though, I’m concentrating on the pain in my body, the physical pain of what I’m doing at that moment, no thoughts of life flashing through my head.  The constant stream of thoughts is also the cause of my insomnia.  I find I can never get a decent sleep either, I’m so tired all the time.

Since the initial blow up he had, it’s been great here.  This is normally how it goes though.  He explodes, he apologizes, things are good for a while, he starts to get angry, and angrier, explodes, and repeats the whole process.  I suppose this is the cycle I’ve been hearing about.   But it’s been great regardless, which is when I fall back to thinking it’ll be okay.  Maybe he means he’s sorry this time.  Maybe he’s actually trying this time.  Without him getting some much needed help though, I know it’s all this cycle of abuse.  It’s all it’s ever been.

What I have realized

I have realized this will be a long process for me.  Yes, the emotionally aspects of it all, the healing, etc, but the actual leaving him may take some time for me.  No, I’m not exactly afraid to leave, but I am heartbroken.  After all, who goes into a marriage thinking it will end; especially due to any type of abuse.  I have done quite a bit of thinking over the past couple days.  Yesterday, I found a book called “Healing The Scars Of Emotional Abuse.”  A lot of good information in that book; a lot of “aha” and “oh” moments.  I’m still on the lookout for more books though, and would love to find some sort of work book to work through.  If you have any recommendations, please let me know, I’m open to anything right now and am all about learning about emotional and verbal abuse, why it happens, the forms, ways to cope, what type of programs that will help; I’d even like to find information on Life Coaches for the future.  I think a life coach may be a healthy choice for me.  I have a friend who is a life coach here in town.  Unfortunately, his specialty isn’t in the category we both think would benefit me best; personal self-improvement.  The price of a life coach scared me a bit though.  He said the price ranges between $20 – $80 per session depending on experience and circumstance.  I can’t afford anything at this point.  Plus, I think the counselling is the best start.

My plan is to keep my appointment on Thursday morning, of course.  As much as I would like to back out of everything at this point, I’m not going to.  I need to go there, I need to speak with Cindy.  Cindy is going to show me the cycle of abuse, the common ways they abuse, etc etc.  She also has books and what not to show me, so in some ways, I’m actually very excited about this appointment.  I’m looking forward to getting set up with the counselling they offer.  Cindy will actually be my counsellor, which is nice because I like her.  She seems very personable and has also been where I am now and isn’t afraid to share her story with me.  I appreciate that a lot.  It’s different talking to someone who says they understand though they haven’t personally been through that sort of situation than it is to sit down and talk to someone who has the personal experience.  They can actually understand and relate because they know exactly what I’m going through and how I’m feeling.  She is also just finishing her psychology degree, which is awesome!

So I’m going to get setup with the counselling.  This will be done over the phone since I live out of city limits and don’t drive.  Also because hubby doesn’t know any of this is going on, just that I’m unhappy.  What I’m hoping to gain through the counselling, is self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth.  At this point, I’m afraid I’d leave and end up breaking down.  I need to know deep inside that I am strong enough to do this.  I need to be strong enough for my kids.  They will need me more than ever at that time and I will not let them down.  My plan is to do the counselling, work on myself, and also learn as much as I can about emotional and verbal abuse.  During this time, continue to blog about my situation.  I’m hoping I can reach out to others who may be going through this too.

What I’ve learned about emotional abuse is that in some ways, it can be a physical type of abuse.  Not physical towards the body, but physical in the sense of hitting walls, or breaking things for example.  The partner does not have to be physically abusive to have you fear him or her, these rage fits are enough to keep you on eggshells.  This explains a lot in my case.  The reason my entire body jumps about 10 feet when he comes home from work.  I’m afraid of the argument, the anger, the hurtful words he says, the degrading words he says, the names, all of it.  It’s much more than just calling someone a bitch and having hurt their feelings.  This is part of it, but there is more that can happen in an emotionally abusive relationship.

I’m learning more about my situation, and it feels good.

I also wanted to say that I have added a new link to the navigation bar at the top called “The Girl In The Mirror.”  This is a link to another blog I have which is based on healing myself.
Please feel free to take a look at it.  I’m always open to suggestions, advice, or recommendations on the topic, so please leave me a comment or contact me if you would like to get in touch with me.

First Steps To Leaving An Emotionally Abusive Marriage

I had started this blog to blog about my marriage and parenting.  The good and bad of everything in my life, but it seems it has changed course.  This blog will now consist of my life, starting with my emotionally abusive marriage, and what I’m currently going through to get the help my children and I need.  That being said, welcome to my blog.

I’ll start off by saying my husband has been emotionally abusive for years.  Yes, including before we were married; however it wasn’t as bad as it is now.  We’ve been together since I was 14 years old and at that time, I was blinded by love.  I figured with time, things would change.  We were both teenagers and both had a lot of growing up to do.  I guess in some ways, I did know he was emotionally abusive, though I didn’t understand what it was.  I just knew it wasn’t supposed to be that way.  None of my friends boyfriends told them they were not allowed to have friends, or would leave with his friends with the demands to stay home, clean the house and have dinner ready whenever/if he decided to come home that night.  Actually, it’s still pretty much that case.  He told me last year I was allowed to have friends.  I got a job and went to dinner with a bunch of the ladies from work.  He dropped me off at my friend’s house and left.  We took off to the restaurant right away.  I soon received a text from my husband accusing me of convincing him to drop me off at a guy’s house so I could have an affair.  He said there were no tire tracks in the snow.  I literally had to take a picture of my friends and me under the logo of the restaurant and text it to him.  I quit my job and stayed home with the kids after that.

So, the other night, hubby comes in the house.  My daughter wanted to sleep in my son’s room with him, his bedroom is upstairs.  Okay, no problem as long as they go to sleep at a half decent time.  Hubby comes in and automatically snaps at my daughter, yelling at her to get downstairs into bed.  I told hubby she was sleeping in my son’s room and I went to comfort my kids.  They were both in tears.  When I got them settled and tucked in, I came out to the living room where he snapped on me!  The house is a mess, the kids don’t pick up their toys, we don’t have any money, he works for nothing, the dog made him angry, work is stressing him out, the bronco still won’t start, he’s tired of supporting the kids and I, I’m useless, I’m a burden to everyone…  You name it, he went off about it! He also said he expected to be first in not only my life, but everyone’s lives!  Voices were definitely raised.  At about 11:30pm, I assumed the kids were asleep.  I went into my room in tears and there sat both kids, wide awake.  My daughter came up to me, gave me a big hug and asked if my hubby made me cry again, and that she was going to tell him to stop yelling at me.  It was heart wrenching to know they heard everything.  I felt like such a horrible parent!

The next morning, he left for work at 7:30am and I did some research.  I sent an email to one of the places that help women get out of abusive relationships.  I had my mind made up, enough is enough.  Especially now that I knew my children were being affected.  This morning, I received an email back saying the particular person I emailed was out of the office but she was transferring me to someone in “Victim Services.”  I read that and though “victim?”  I had never once thought of myself as a victim, but I suppose it’s the truth; that alone had me in tears.  I am a victim of my own husband, and the children, victims of their father.  It was quite a shock for me to read that, to think about it that way.  It was something I never considered and to have it said to me, even via email, it made my head spin.  For my kids, she’s suggested a program called “Children Who Witness Abuse.”  This will be good for them.  It will help them a lot.

I spoke to my sister after that who told me to call them instead, but I just couldn’t do it.  I was in tears and couldn’t talk about it because I’d start crying.  So she called down there and got me some information.  They wanted me to either call the women’s shelters they have, or call them.  I waited a couple hours, but I did call them.  She went on to explain what they do, and what abuse is.  She hit everything dead on.  I was shocked again.  I had no idea I was in a “typical” abusive relationship.  I have booked an appointment with my new worker for Thursday morning.  She said she has tons of things to show me and what not, I’m happy to have her even at this point.

I plan to speak to my husband sometime this weekend.  Fingers crossed things stay civil!